Batman, Season 3

Penguin:
I don't know whether to call him "daddy" or just Commissioner.

[Batman and Robin arrive]

Batman:
If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now!

Robin:
When we get through with you, Penguin, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "daddy"!

Robin:
Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know.

Batman:
I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.

Batgirl:
What's up your sleeve this time?

Riddler:
Up my sleeve, Batgirl? Riddle me once: what's most alluring when it's highest or lowest; when it's in the air or in a hole; when it's served you, yet you can't touch it? An enchanting ace!

Riddler:
Riddle me this, Batman: what are the chilliest 12 inches in the world?

Batman:
Cold feet!

Riddler:
Excellent! What suite of cards lays eggs?

Batman:
One that's chicken-hearted. Now listen to this, Riddler, sticks and stones may break my bones...

Riddler:
Now you listen to me, Batman! My line is plugged into radio station GTZR! That means that all of Gotham City...[giggles]...has heard you called...[giggles]...a coward! [giggles full time]

Batgirl, Batgirl! Batgirl, Batgirl! Where do you come from? Where do you go? What is your scene? Baby, we just gotta know! Batgirl, Batgirl! Batgirl, Batgirl! Are you a chick who fell in from outer space, Or are you real with a tender warm embrace? Yeah, whose baby are you? Batgirl, Batgirl! Batgirl, Batgirl! Yeah, whose baby are you? Batgirl! ~ The Batgirl theme song

Robin:
Holy mucilage!!

Batman:
Things...are..about...to...get...stickier, Robin.

[Dick is excited about Waynebow, Bruce's prize-winning stallion.]

Dick:
Bruce, let me ride Waynebow. I'm light enough.

Bruce:
No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny.

Batman:
Of course! It's staring us right in our masks, Robin. That quote is on line 769 of Chapter 14, Scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bald, one of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City library.

Robin:
How could I have missed that one?

King Tut:
Let's make tracks!

Batgirl:
[suddenly appearing] The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!

King Tut:
Batgirl!?

Batgirl:
In the flesh.

King Tut:
You know, it is against my principles to beat up on a lady, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

...

King Tut:
Goodbye, Batgirl.

Batgirl:
You're not going anywhere, Tut!

King Tut:
[smiling] No, but you are...

[Shirley conks Batgirl on the head with the vase]

King Tut:
...off to dreamland! For the 2nd time, let's make tracks!

[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]

Batman:
The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!

King Tut:
Some sort of delayed echo in here?

Bonnie:
Commissioner, there are a bunch of flower children out here to see you.

Gordon:
Flower children? Alright, send them...wait a minute, Bonnie, hold on, hold on a second.

Batman:
We'll go down the window and go down the Batropes. Otherwise, we'll be mobbed.

O'Hara:
Mobbed? In police headquarters?

Robin:
The flower children think we're cool, man, like we turn 'em on, you know.

Batman:
Yes, please be gentle with your visitors, Commissioner. Although it may not be understood by more literal minds, in their own way, they're doing what they can to correct the world's woes with love and flowers.

Batman:
Go back outside and calm the flower children.

Robin:
They'll mob me!

Batman:
Groovy.

Egghead:
Never mind the pastrami. Chief O'Hara would like to have half a dozen eggs.

Chief O'Hara:
Why you. . .

Egghead:
Now! One hand on me and you'll never see your dear commissioner again, Chief.

Chief O'Hara:
You win Egghead.

Egghead:
Now how did you say you liked your eggs?

Batman:
Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them may have been injured.

Robin:
[about Batgirl] She's gone again! For once, Batman, let's follow her.

Batman:
No, Robin. With my head sticking out of this neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary, run of the mill crime fighter.

Joker:
Then, after I've gotten rid of Batman and Robin for good, I will rule the waves. Me, the Joker, king of the surf and all the surfers. Then, Gotham City! Later, the world!

Bruce:
Just because we're traveling, I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies, so we brought along one thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens, and also his own desk.

Dick:
Yes, I expect to study hard.

Robin:
Let's go!

Batman:
Not you, Robin. They have strict licensing laws in this country. A boy of your age is not allowed in a drinking tavern.

Batman:
You're far from mod, Robin. And many hippies are older than you are.

Superintendent Watson:
Well, I think this calls for a cup of char at venerable Ireland Yard.

Robin:
Char?

Batman:
Yes, Robin, a colloquialism for tea.

Batgirl:
And you, Catwoman are an even bigger fool than even I thought you were. We, who enforce the law, would gladly give our lives for it

Catwoman:
Gag her. Heroines are to be seen, not heard.

Catwoman:
Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.

Batman:
There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.

Robin:
And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?

Batman:
Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years.

Robin:
If we close our eyes, we can't see anything.

Batman:
A sound observation, Robin.

Dick:
[reading in the library] Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quite a guy.

Olga:
[to Egghead] You are a heartless, hairless man. I am liking you more and more.

Gordon:
I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.

Batman:
Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.

Joker:
Let bygones be bygones. I'd like to shake hands with both of you. Can't we be friends?

Robin:
I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra!

Batman:
You're being cynical, Robin. To err is human, to forgive...divine.

...

Batman:
[After being buzzed by Joker while shaking hands] Another...practical joke, Joker.

Joker:
Not exactly Batman, it's my deadly joker buzzer, one by one your five senses will leave you. Then your lungs will collapse, and certainly you'll be KAPUT, FINI, DEFUNCT!

Batman:
What took you so long, Batgirl?

Batgirl:
Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn't want me to speed, would you?

Robin:
Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!

Batman:
Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point.

Batman:
Cattail Lane and Nine Lives Alley. The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner.

Robin:
Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?

Batman:
An obscure but nevertheless acceptable synonym for cat, Robin.

Robin:
How about rushing the place, Batman?

Batman:
Shh. I think not, Robin. All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me, and Batgirl. No, I think they plan something really big.

Nora:
[regarding Batgirl] Oh yes! I forgot about her. With a woman helping them, the Dynamic Duo could give us some trouble...

Nora:
[holding a sharp pin to Batgirl's neck] Alright girls, let's tie the Terrific Trio - into Terrific Siamese Human Knots.

Penguin:
You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies!

Batman:
You murdered them, Penguin...when you let them out!

[Penguin snatches Chief O'Hara's pocket watch, but then O'Hara and everyone else gets up after pretending to be asleep]

Chief O'Hara:
You won't be needin' a watch where you're going!

Penguin:
Wha???

Chief O'Hara:
You'll need a calendar - a 20-year calendar!

Penguin:
This is impossible! You're all infected with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness!

Miss Clean:
Oh, you see that's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you're sending off *flies* to do a *man's* job!

Robin:
That's right, Pengy-poo! We're just sleepwalking!

Batgirl:
What do you say to a little sleep-fighting, Robin?

Robin:
Huh! Good idea, Batgirl!

Calamity Jan:
[After Chief Standing Pat takes a puff from his cigar] That's how he talks. He said "It's a honor to meet you and I look forward to working with you."

Shame:
You got all that with one puff?

Calamity Jan:
He talks in shorthand.

Fred:
Your lack of coherence is exceeded only by your penchant for gibberish.

Shame:
Why thank you kindly, Fred. That's awful nice of you to say.

[Shame pulls a gun out of his hat and points it at Batman, but Batman kicks it out of his hand.]

Shame:
No, Batman! I'm sorry! I'd never...never think to...

Batman:
Boo!

Shame:
[hysterical, grabs Batman by the leg] No, Batman! No!

Batman:
Oh, for shame, Shame! You're not worthy of the name 'Shame'! You're a SHAM, Shame! Don't you EVER grab my tights or pull on my leg again!

Shame:
When the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11, that would be...

Calamity Jan:
Eleven o'clock, Shame honey.

Shame:
Eleven o'clock, Shame honey...doggone it, I know!

Batman:
...it shouldn't take us more than three minutes to run the mile.

Robin:
Gosh, Batman, that's a new world's record.

Batman:
Breaking world's records is just part of crime fighting, Robin.

King Tut:
You could jail me for a million years and I wouldn't flinch an inch. Oh, at last, Nirvana is within my grasp.

Commissioner Gordon:
You appear to be quite breezy for a man about to be tucked away.

King Tut:
I know, and so would you if you knew what I know; and if I know you, no doubt you know what I now know. Why waste my time with someone who knows, I have to find someone who doesn't know. [to Chief O'Hara] Do you know?

Batgirl:
Sounds like The Riddle of the Sphinx.

Batman:
It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park.

Joker:
I wanted to rule the world from Mars! I like the looks of that place!

[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]

Batman:
Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker.

Dr. Cassandra:
You'd better watch out. I've got your number, Batman.

[Batgirl appears]

Batgirl:
What about me? Do you have my number too?

Dr. Cassandra:
Other women's numbers don't interest me, Batgirl.

Batman:
Glad to have you flanking us, Batgirl.

Batgirl:
I wouldn't miss it for anything!

Cabala:
Looks like it's pill time...

Dr. Cassandra:
Keep your cool, love. The Tiresome Trio is about to really rock!

[Dr. Cassandra pulls out the Alvino Ray Gun]

Batman:
A gun?

[Dr. Cassandra nods, smiling]

Batman:
Aren't you above that sort of thing, Dr Cassandra? Nooooo style...

Dr. Cassandra:
This is the kickiest weapon I've ever done, Batman! My own unpatented Alvino Ray Gun! And it's the last thing you're about to see!

[Laughing evilly, she pulls the Ray Gun's trigger]

Batman:
What . . . are you doing . . . t-t-t-t-to our b-bodies?

Robin:
Holy Helplessness!

Batgirl:
I feel like I'm. . . getting . . . flat!

Cabala:
What a pity...

[Robin looks at Batgirl.]

Robin:
You know something, Batman?

Batman:
What's that, Robin?

Robin:
She looks very pretty when she's asleep.

Batman:
I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

Gordon:
Batman, you unscrambled that safe's combination in three seconds flat! How did you do it?

Batman:
With my Three-Seconds-Flat-Bat-Combination-Unscrambler, Commissioner.

Robin:
What happened to Batgirl?!

Batman:
Who knows, Robin? Who ever knows?

[The last original scene of the series]

[The Dynamic Duo re-enter the Batmobile and discover that they have been glued to the seats, thanks to Penguin]

Robin:
Holy mucilage!!

Batman:
Things... are... about... to... get... stickier, Robin.

Robin:
[noticing Batgirl has gone] Oh no, Batgirl's not gone again?!

Barbra Gordon:
I just passed her in the ladies' locker room. Are you alright Skip?

Skip Parker:
I will be... as soon they put me and Joker on that reversearometer and reverse it!

Lady Prudence [as she is being led away in handcuffs]:
Perhaps I should have explained myself to you, Robin. I've been very naughty. I thought that if I could play both sides against one another, I could become ladyship of Ffogg Manor all by myself. But it didn't work.

Robin:
No, Lady Prudence, it didn't. But cheerio.

Catwoman:
Angora, gag her! Crimefighters should be seen and not heard.

Catwoman:
You better pray that Batman is a man-man more than he is a police-man.

Catwoman:
How can Batgirl be the best anything when Catwoman is around?

Catwoman:
No Best Dressed list is complete without the addition of the Queen of Criminals, the Princess of Plunder, yours untruly.

Queen Bess:
Who are you?

Queen Bess:
Is she on my list for today's audience?

Queen Bess':
No, Your Royal Goodness.

Queen Bess:
Call my social secretary for an appointment...

Catwoman:
[Catwoman sprays the Queen and her attendants with knockout spray] Sorry, Queenie, but I'm anti-social.

Catwoman:
Yes, my dear, you will make a purrrfect pinafore - the type of garment no one will recognize you in, or as... if you'll pardon a final cutting remark.

[Batman an Robin, hoping to rescue a captured Batgirl from Shame, find an unconscious Frontier Fanny instead.]

Robin:
They've got Batgirl and we've got Fanny.

Batman:
That hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin?

Calamity Jan:
Shame, honey, you seen my maw?

Shame:
Yeah, I seen too much'a her lately.

Calamity Jan:
I think we musta left her at the stable with the horses.

Shame:
Well, don't worry, nobody'll notice.

Calamity Jan:
Well, we gotta go back and get her.

Shame:
No can do, lover. By now, she's probably a prisoner of the police. Might as well give her up for gone.

Calamity Jan:
Honey, she's my mother, the only one I got!

Shame:
Yeah, I know.

Calamity Jan:
Aw, don't be like that. I know she's a battleax and an old owl, but she is my flesh and blood.

Shame:
Yeah, I was wondering about that here-didity. What'd your father look like?

Calamity Jan:
Oh, he was prettier than my maw.

Shame:
Nobody could be uglier.

Dr. Cassandra:
I intend to succeed where my foremothers failed.

Cabala:
Four mothers?

Dr. Cassandra:
The ancient alchemy bit has been handed down for generations through the females of my family. All abject failures. Nowheres-ville!

Cabala:
Yeah, just like my family. They couldn't wait for the Depression, they went broke during the boom.

Dr. Cassandra:
My great-grandmother discovered how to transmute base metals into gold. But she cut out when she added CH3, CH2, H2, and NO2.

Cabala:
Put them all together, they spell T-N-T.

Dr. Cassandra:
They found pieces of her as far away as Londinium.

Cabala:
Man, that was a trip.

Dr. Cassandra:
Now Grandma perfected a universal solvent, fell in the stuff and was universally dissolved.

Cabala:
Wow.

Dr. Cassandra:
We buried her in a thimble.

Cabala:
Well, how about dear ol' Mommy-O?

Dr. Cassandra:
Ah, dear ol' Mommy-O cashed in when she perfected a perpetual motion machine, tripped... and was ground to bits by it.

Cabala:
Man, you sure come from a long line of winnners, baby.

Batman:
That's life, Robin, full of ups and downs. It ill befits any of us to become too confident.