Becker, Season 3

Linda:
You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.

Dr. John Becker:
If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?

[Becker walks into the back]

Linda:
[to Margaret] He didn't do it.

Becker:
What's the matter with you people? I didn't kill that guy!

Bob:
[coming out of phone booth] Hey, Becker, you know that guy you killed? I just got his job.

Becker:
I didn't kill anybody, Bob! What'd you just say?

Bob:
I'm your new super!

Becker:
But Alexei just died this morning. How could you even know about the job?

Bob:
I owe it all to Linda.

Becker:
Linda helped you? My Linda?

Bob:
If, by "help", you mean left your office as soon as she heard the old super croaked, ran to your building, gave them my resume—which, by the way, she wrote—acted as a reference, and wouldn't leave until they agreed to hire me, then, yeah, she helped!

Becker:
But you don't know anything about being a super!

Bob:
What's to know? Jake can do it, for crying out loud!

Jake:
Hey!

Bob:
Not to mention it's the deal of a lifetime—good salary, free apartment, and I get to sit on my ass all day and pretend I don't speak English. It's what I was born to do!

Becker:
This can't be happening.

Bob:
Don't worry. Whatever you need, day or night, my door is always open, and thanks to my new passkey, so is yours.

Reggie:
Jake, do you realize what this means?

Jake:
Yeah, Bob has someplace else to go!

Reggie:
Hey, this could be great for business! I could make a working man's special!

Becker:
Why don't you make a John Becker special?

Reggie:
Oh, I would, except for who'd buy a sandwich made of crap, bologna and bullsh--

Becker:
Hey!

[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor:
Borneo]

Dr. John Becker:
[checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker.

[he and Richard shake hands]

Richard Hatch:
Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.

Dr. John Becker:
Uh, why don't we just talk first.

Richard Hatch:
Okay.

Dr. John Becker:
[checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?

Richard Hatch:
No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?

Richard Hatch:
No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...

Dr. John Becker:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?

Richard Hatch:
Hey, some of the other people there ate rats.

Dr. John Becker:
Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?

Richard Hatch:
It was for "Survivor."

Dr. John Becker:
"Survivor?"

Richard Hatch:
You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.

Dr. John Becker:
Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?

Richard Hatch:
Well, I won.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?

Richard Hatch:
A million dollars?

Dr. John Becker:
Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...

[the scene fades out]

Bob:
(about Linda's clothes) Wow, is that a handkerchief? Because Bob feels a sneeze coming on.

Dr. John Becker:
I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, it's insane for me to go on smoking.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
They raise the price of cigarettes again?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah. $4.50 a pack!

Jake:
Don't try sneaking a smoke, 'cause I already talked to Margaret and Linda. I have eyes everywhere.

Becker:
You don't have eyes anywhere.

[Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]

Kid:
Are you Mr. Angry Head?

Dr. John Becker:
That's Doctor Angry Head.

[Bob is furious about not getting any appreciation for being the apartment building's superintendent]

Bob:
I'm telling you, if I don't get a tip from one of those lousy tenants soon, I'm shutting off their heat!

Jake:
That oughta make you real popular!

Bob:
Yeah? Screw 'em! I can't guarantee a white Christmas, but for some of those old farts, it's gonna be a blue one!

Jake:
I didn't know Margaret drank. Then again, she does work for Becker!

Bob:
She's on her way to the bottom. And Bob is the Mayor of the bottom!

[After Reggie reveals her plan to have lunch with Sarah's husband]

Jake Malinak:
Reg, you know that after eating, you'll want to stretch your legs, which leads to taking a walk, which leads to your apartment, which leads to sex!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Fine, maybe I'll just meet him for dessert.

Jake Malinak:
Bad idea; you'll eat too much, which leads to feeling fat, which leads to changing clothes, which leads to sex!

Reggie "Reggie" Kostas:
Coffee?

Jake Malinak:
Coffee! Coffee breath, mints, drug store, aisle 12, sex!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Can we meet for water?

Jake Malinak:
WATER!? Why don't you just do it in the street!?

Linda:
Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.

Dr. John Becker:
Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.

Megan:
John, guess what? I left my husband. After all this time, we can finally be together!

Becker:
I hate this dream! [slams the door in her face]

Bob:
Becker having sex? Nah, I don't see it [slyly] but if I get that new drill, I will!

[After learning he has been taped for Reggie's psychology class]

Dr John Becker:
You know what kind of person tapes another person!? NIXON!

[After learning that Reggie accepted a date with a nerd because she thought Becker was testing if she treats people differently if they are attractive]

Reggie:
You mean you really had nothing to do with this? Oh, my God.

Dr John Becker:
That's great. You know, I think she thinks that I...Oh, how about that? Hehehe...Yeah, sometimes God just hands you one.

[Anita knocks at Becker's door]

Anita:
John, I'm sorry. Can I use your bathroom to put my makeup on?

Becker:
Yeah, I guess. Why?

Anita:
The lights in my apartment shorted out again, and speaking of short, have you seen Bob anywhere? I've been after him for days to fix them, and I'm ready to kill him.

Becker:
Yeah, well just don't kill him before he fixes my refrigerator.

[Anita walks out of Becker's bathroom]

Bob:
Wait a minute, you're with him!? If your self-esteem is that low, maybe you and I should talk!

Anita:
Bob, I had to come here to put on my makeup because you never fixed my lights.

Bob:
I'll get to it.

Anita:
Right now. You're coming with me.

Becker:
Whoa, whoa, what about my refrigerator?

Bob:
Bob's policy is to handle jobs on a priority basis.

Becker:
And how do her lights have priority over my refrigerator?

Bob:
You saw that dress and you really had to ask?

Becker:
I watched the moon landing on that TV, the 1969 Mets winning the World Series, Nixon's resignation...lots of good times.

Dr. John Becker:
He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?

Linda:
Who?

Dr. John Becker:
Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.

Linda:
Oh, when you said young it threw me off.

Dr. John Becker:
...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes

Bob:
Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?

Dr. John Becker:
I can't believe you don't remember me!

Prof. Fowler:
I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!

Dr. John Becker:
What's new, Linda?

Linda:
A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.

Dr. John Becker:
The flower dress?

Linda:
No, worse.

Dr. John Becker:
The pants with the gold circles?

Linda:
No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.

Dr. John Becker:
Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.

[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']

Ruth:
We need a new strategy.

Dr. John Becker:
Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here?

Ruth:
No, that's plan B.

Judge Reinhold:
Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counselor, call your next witness.

Ruth:
[pointing to Becker] It's him.

Melvin:
And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?

Vinny Deluca:
[points to Becker] That man there.

[courtroom gasps]

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?

[Melvin, Vinny's Lawyer asked Margaret a question after she had sworn the truth on the bible]

Margaret:
Was that a real bible?

[talking to Becker]

Margaret:
I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth.

Dr. John Becker:
[pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?

Melvin Goaler:
So you would consider yourself to be a good friend of his?

Anita:
I would say so, yes.

Goaler:
Uh, one more question, Miss Gilbert: is it true you're a prostitute?

Anita:
I don't see what that has to do with this case.

Goaler:
What's the matter? You're ashamed to admit you're a prostitute?

Anita:
No more ashamed than you should be to admit you're a lawyer!

Goaler:
[somewhat chastened] No further questions.

Dr. John Becker:
[after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] Whether or not I'm a nice guy is not on trial here! Whether or not I'm a good doctor is, and if this court can't tell the difference, then to hell with this court!

Judge Reinhold:
Doctor Becker, you are out of order!

Dr. John Becker:
[turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!

Judge Reinhold:
[bangs gavel] OK, Pacino! That's it! You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!