Becker, Season 4

Dr. John Becker:
Well, it's official. The nuts are out in full force today. You're not gonna believe this. Six o'clock in the morning, somebody knocks on my door.

Linda:
That's incredible!

Dr. John Becker:
There's more, Linda.

Linda:
Oh, good, because that part was really boring.

Dr. John Becker:
Anyway, I open the door. There's a guy asking to borrow some underwear.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Now, Linda.

Linda:
That's incredible!

Bob:
Giving a blind man a Scrabble set it cruel. It would be like buying you a fish tank. It's a total waste.

Jake Malinak:
I have a fish tank and I'll tell you why: I find the sounds of the bubbles to be very relaxing.

Bob:
Look, Jake--

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Bob.

Bob:
No, I'm telling him: You do NOT have a fish tank. What you have is a toilet that needs to be jiggled!

Jake Malinak:
Reggie?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Once you started naming the fish, we just didn't have the heart to tell you.

Dr. John Becker:
(to two patients who tried to get drugs) Instead of getting high on drugs, why don't try getting high on life?! Oh, my god. I am officially a hundred years old.

Margaret:
(on the phone) Can you come here right away?

Dr. John Becker:
Who are you talking to?

Margaret:
(on phone) No, I don't care how much it costs.

Dr. John Becker:
Now I don't care who you're talking to. (hangs up)

Margaret:
John, that was the exterminator! I want that thing out of here!

Dr. John Becker:
Margaret, it's just a rat! Why do you hate it so much, anyway?

Margaret:
Because, when I was a child, my father bought me a little dog--

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, please, please. Is this going to be that urban legend story where the dog turns out to be a rat?

Margaret:
No. This is my sixth birthday party where my dog was EATEN by a rat!

Dr. John Becker:
... Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess...

Mr. Garland:
I can't believe it.

Dr. John Becker:
I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.

Mr. Garland:
The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
There. Cat. I'm using the C at the end of your word, Jake.

Jake Malinak:
Which one?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Xebec.

Bob:
I still say that's not a word.

Jake Malinak:
Bob, I told you. It's a antiquated tri-masted Mediterranean sailing vessel.

Bob:
NONE OF THOSE ARE WORDS!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
All right, smartass. It's your turn.

Bob:
Read 'em and weep. J-U-G-G-S. Juggs!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Not a word.

Bob:
Yes, it is! Jake's news stand! Magazines, top shelf!

Jake Malinak:
Forget about it, Bob. It's a proper noun. Besides, we already let you have mellons, boobs, and Hooters.

Dr. John Becker:
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.

Margaret:
Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.

Devilish-Looking Man:
Excuse me.

Margaret:
(takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?

Devilish-Looking Man:
Yes, I am.

Margaret:
And your name is...?

Devilish-Looking Man:
I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.

Margaret:
(to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.

[After Chris turns down Bob's offer of a date]

Bob:
Wow, she's so nice!

Jake Malinak:
Bob, she blew you off.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Yeah, she was just letting you down easy.

Bob:
That's what I mean! Usually, I just get a kick in the groin and a face-full of pepper spray!

Dr. John Becker:
[about the music one of his neighbours plays] That's not music, that's a goat sexually molesting some kind of banjo!

[After hearing Becker is living in Bob's apartment]

Jake Malinak:
You're staying with Bob!? Is there anything you wanna talk to me about?

Dr. John Becker:
I told you, my apartment is filled with 'roaches! [shudders] Urgh, 'roaches!

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[shudders] Urgh, Bob!

[Becker storms into the diner]

Dr. John Becker:
You know what I hate!?

Jake Malinak:
Who's got the list?

[Becker receives an unusual package]

Dr. John Becker:
What the hell is this!? It's cold, it's packed in dry ice...

Chris Connor:
Maybe it's the heart you always wanted.