Being Human, Season 1

Mitchell:
I've got this friend. He says the human condition, human nature, being human, is to be cold and alone. Like someone lost in the woods. It's safe to say he's a 'glass-is-half-empty' kind of guy.

Mitchell:
When in Rome, stop killing the other Romans.

[Mitchell haggles with an estate agent who's showing them around the house]

Mitchell:
I don't know, you see my friend, he's very picky. He took a lot of convincing to agree to this.

George:
[Excited] You can actually see the top of the hospital from the window and it's a dinky little kitchen you could fit a table in there… maybe. Otherwise, if we have people over we can just sit in here. And the little garden is just... gorgeous. We can grow vegetables!

Mitchell:
Like I said, he's a very difficult customer.

Estate Agent:
The back of the house doesn't get much sunlight.

Mitchell:
I'm not mad about sunlight...

George:
This is ridiculous! What could be scarier than one of us?

Mitchell:
A bigger one of us?

Annie:
Shit, can you see me?

George:
Of course! Who are you?

Annie:
You can see me? [She waves her arms] Can you see me do that?

George:
What's she talking about?

Annie:
Oh my God you can hear me too. I don't believe this!

George:
You don't believe it? Mitchell, call the police.

Mitchell:
George, it's okay.

George:
It is most certainly not okay, we paid a deposit!

Mitchell:
George, shut up! She's a ghost.

Annie:
[Slightly offended] Your point being?

George:
Okay, well this has been great, my first ghost - knockout! But it's getting late, so...

Annie:
Uh, you don't have to keep going on about it, me being a ghost, it's a bit rude. If someone's fat and you're like 'you're fat'.

George:
Oh, I'm sorry maybe I'm just a bit tetchy, because you just tried to scare me out of my house.

Annie:
It was my house before it was your house!

George:
That's not an argument! It's not like bagsying the front seat of a car!

[George has followed a noise outside the hospital to find his ex, Julia, being threatened by her new boyfriend, Peter]

George:
Julia...!

Julia:
[Urgently] Please, go back inside.

Peter:
You heard her, walk away little man!

Julia:
[To Peter] He's- he's just someone who works at the hospital.

Peter:
[To George] She been giving you the eye too? What's she been telling you?!

Julia Peter, please don't do this-!

Peter [Ignores her] Aw take a ticket and sit down! Don't think you're anything special mate, she'll give it to anyone, she's like seven eleven! [To Julia] The doctor! The cab driver! [To George] She thinks I don't notice!

George:
I think you should calm down...

Peter:
Yeah and I think you should piss off! You've been told twice, now!

George:
I'm afraid I can't do that.

Julia:
[Sobbing] George, please!

Peter:
[Realises] ...George. Did you say "George"? [Tosses her aside, turns to George] I've seen photos of you. You're the one that disappeared. [Shakes his head in amusement] Did you follow her? You think you can take her back now? What's she been telling you?!

Julia:
Stop-

George:
She didn't know I was here, I didn't know she was coming in.

Peter:
Yeah? Well you're wasting your time; she doesn't even talk about you anymore.

George:
[Smiles angrily] Yeah, I'm sure you saw to that.

Peter:
I'm glad she's gonna see this...

George:
[Looks up at the nght sky] You're lucky this isn't tomorrow.

Peter:
Yeah? What happens then?

George:
Monsters come out.

[Peter throws a punch, George catches his arm, lifts him off the ground and pins him to the hood of his car by the throat]

Julia:
[Startled, confused] George, stop it! What are you doing?!

George:
[To Peter] The worst thing...

Julia:
George, leave us alone!

George:
[Ignoring her] The very worst thing... is that it feels so good. A week before, I need glasses to watch the news; Mitchell has to open jars for me... and suddenly everything starts to work, all my senses expand, and there's a part of me that can't wait, that's turned on, and hungry.

Julia:
Get off him, get off him!

George:
[Ignoring her] The neck's amazing, isn't it? This tang of arteries and muscle and sinew; d'you know there are two jugular veins, an internal one, and an external one? [Leaning in close, whispering] I've met people who have tasted them! And they said, the wind pipe, came away with a sigh of air from the lungs that was still warm, and as they described it they had this... look, like everything they do in-between is just sleep-walking; it's only for those few moments that they are totally, and truly, alive. And there's part of me that would give anything, to feel what they do. To taste... what they taste. And that's... the worst thing.

[George drops Peter, allowing him to slide off his car onto the floor, coughing and spluttering]

George:
Touch her again... I will kill you.

Julia:
[Horrified] Wh...? [George looks at her] What's happened to you?!

George:
[Smiles bleakly] Stay away from me. [Turns and walks away]

Julia:
[Tearfully] George... [He doesn't stop] George...!

[Mitchell wakes up in bed]

Annie:
Hiya.

Mitchell:
Have you been sitting there long?

Annie:
Define long.

Mitchell:
An hour?

Annie:
Then yeah.

Mitchell:
So, you've just arrived at Hogwarts, which house do they put you in?

George:
I'd like to say Gryffindor, but they're supposed to be brave. What's the other one? Ravenclaw, does that have a characteristic?

Mitchell:
I think they're brainy. You could be in Ravenclaw.

Annie:
I quite fancy Hufflepuff actually. I've always thought in Hufflepuff they just spend the day making stuff with safety scissors and glitter.

George:
What about you?

Mitchell:
I think that they'd say, 'it's probably best if you just stay in the canteen for the next five years'.

Annie:
Does anyone ever choose Slytherin?

George:
No, because that would be like saying 'I'm a sociopath.'

Annie:
Ah well, you shouldn't be eating bacon anyway, should you - you're Jewish.

George:
Yeah, I gave up on the whole orthodoxy thing when I started turning into a wolf.

Annie:
Do they have rules about being a werewolf as well?

George:
I think you'd be hard pressed to find a religion that doesn't frown on it.

Mitchell:
What about the Moonies?

George:
Okay, you win ten million pounds; what do you do?

Annie:
Buy Colin Firth.