Being Human, Series 1

Annie:
Everyone dies. Actually, can I start that again? Everyone deserves a death. I was going to die of old age. That was the plan. Mitchell was going to go down in a blaze of gunfire and glory.... Not cold and alone and shit scared. He didn't think death would smile at him first. Death was always a certainty. The punch line we could all see coming. But not for Mitchell. For a vampire, death isn't the end. But the beginning.

So here we are. Overlooked and forgotten. Unnatural and... supernatural. Watching the dance from the sidelines. At least I was surrounded by friends and family. At least I got that bit right.

You know the worst thing about being a ghost? It's lonely. You'll give anything for that crumb of comfort. That feel of skin against skin that says, "It's okay. I'm here." It's a hunger. The most basic instinct. You might even drag others into this world of the dead. Even if it means turning them into monsters too.

Then there are the ones like George. The ones that should have died. But shattered and bloody, they walk away from the train wreck. But what's the cost? They're scarred. Transformed. They're monsters now too. Aberrations. The stuff of nightmares. The big bad wolf.

So. What have we got left to look forward to? Us refugees? The flotsam and jetsam of death. Maybe, if we still deserve such a thing as mercy, we find each other...

Annie:
So who wants tea?

George:
Ugh.

Annie:
What?

George:
You keep making tea! Every surface is covered with cups of tea and coffee. I go to make myself some tea and I can't! There's no mugs, there's no tea! It's all been made! And you can't even drink it! You can't drink it, but you keep making it! Oh, oh, oh my god, it's driving me INSANE!

Annie:
Oh, well, I like my routine, it makes me feel normal.

George:
Wh- b- wh- You're a ghost!

Annie:
Yeah, OK...

Mitchell:
We've got work and then it's his time of the month.

Annie:
Oh god, I used to hate that. Curl up on the sofa, Pride and Prejudice, if anyone said anything I'd bite their head off. Oh, God... that is actually a real possibility for you, isn't it... The, the biting...

[George gives Annie a withering look, Mitchell grins]

Seth:
What blood type is he - A positive? Bit Jacob's Creek-y for my taste, but there you go...

Mitchell:
I'm sensing a trip to IKEA. [Glares at George] And you know my feelings on that.

Annie:
Owen, your landlord, my fiancé. Ex-fiancé. He's coming round!

Mitchell:
In about... now.

George:
He's coming here? Why?

Mitchell:
He's back from Saudi for a few months and wants to meet us.

Annie:
Well you guys are his longest staying tenants. All the others have er... found it strangely unwelcoming.

George:
[To Mitchell] Why didn't you put him off?!?

Mitchell:
I tried! But she kicked me in the shin. The shin, George!

Annie:
Okay, I've written a list of questions for you to ask him.

Mitchell:
[Reading the list] 'Are you screwing Janey Harris?'

Annie:
She always fancied him and believe me, if she knew when I died she'd have been here before the ambulance crew.

Mitchell:
[Reading the list] 'Has my sister had a baby?' Awww...

Annie:
They've been trying for ages. I blame her husband, his name's Robin and he works in a Post Office.

Herrick:
[To Mitchell] How noble of you to take on the curse of immortality so that your friends could wither and decay in hospitals and old people's homes.

Lauren:
Before I died I had this one odd last thought, and now I'm going to make it yours. You know all the things you were scared of as a kid, all the monsters under the bed? They're all real. [She blackens her eyes, George doesn't react] Okay, I'm new to this but aren't you supposed to weep or scream or wee yourself?

[To George, after seeing her ex-fiancé with another woman]

Annie:
I just wanted a chance to explain. You don't know him, you don't know how he'd reacted but I knew. I just I knew that if he saw me again he'd - but he couldn't see me. And now he's got someone else, and now she gets to kiss him and watch him shave and laugh and - I'm still in the clothes that I died in! I get nothing! She gets him and I get... [calms down] I get you.

Annie:
So what did you think of her then? Janey?

George:
She's... orange.

Annie:
She works in a tanning salon. She thinks that looks classy! [sulking] I think she looks like Kilroy.

Nurse:
[showing a form to George] Does that look like a 3 or a 5 to you?

George:
A 3...

Nurse:
That's Becca's handwriting for you. So if she give him 'is meds at 3, he's gonna need 'em again... now. But if she give him 'is meds at 5, he ain't gonna need 'em 'til 10...

George:
Why don't you ask her?

Nurse:
She ain't answerin' 'er mobile. She's gone out for a drink with your mate.

George:
Which mate...?

Nurse:
Oh you know... 'im with the face.

George:
Where did they go?!?

Nurse:
Christ knows. I would've asked but then that might have seemed like I gives a shit.

Mitchell:
We can't just dip our toe! We have to dive into the churn of humanity. Laugh with them, listen to their stories.

George:
About Vin Diesel?

Mitchell:
A... remarkable man, I'm starting to realise...

Annie:
Maybe he's had a blow to the head.

George:
I'm sorry?

Annie:
Happened to my Nan. She got hit in the head by a radio controlled plane at a county fair. From that moment - obsessed with pygmy goats.

George:
There wasn't a single bit of that sentence I understood.

George:
We have to put a stop to this. Doesn't he understand, these people are British? You're not allowed to talk to your neighbours until you've nodded at them for fifteen years.

George:
How did you find me?

Tully:
You're a werewolf living in Bristol. It kinda narrows the field.

Tully:
The Earth my pillow, my canopy the stars.

Annie:
Oh, I'd like to see George living like that. He had a panic attack in the Eden Project.

Lauren:
And the blood, Mitchell. Can you remember the taste? So rich and warm. You can have it again. As much as you want.

Mitchell:
I can't, the cost is too high.

Lauren:
Please! Who are you saving, really? Have you seen Britain's Got Talent?

Lauren:
It's like Hotel California! You can check out, but you can never leave!

George:
This has to stop. I cannot do another conversation about Vin Diesel.

Mitchell:
You just need to get him onto another subject.

George:
I've tried! Leonard Cohen, Darcy Bussell - it's like he isn't interested.

Mitchell:
Carol from number twelve is gonna lend us Casablanca.

George:
Why?

Mitchell:
I'm only in it!

Annie:
Get out!

Mitchell:
Yeah, I'm just an extra... in the bar... and you can't actually see me, obviously. But I do knock over a chair at one point and you can see that.

Annie:
You were in Casablanca?! How did you swing that?

Mitchell:
Well, I know people. I move and shake.

George:
Look, don't try to understand George.

Annie:
George? George who?

George:
...Me!

Annie:
[To George] Oh my God. You're Tully's Mini-Me!

Mitchell:
Yes!

George:
Do you know the difference between you and Tully?

Mitchell:
Mmm, I don't know, I don't have to shave my palms?

George:
I, I think that's actually racist.

Mitchell:
He's a twat!

George:
Well he's my twat!

Mitchell:
You know, I'm sure that sounded much better in your head.

Annie:
[to George about Mitchell] Don't go in for a hug, he might kiss you.

Mitchell:
What, I--

George:
Aw, I leave you two alone for five minutes...

George:
My name is George... and I am a werewolf.

Mitchell:
Hello, George.

Mitchell:
Owen's moved on with his life. You need to do the same.

Annie:
I'm dead, in case you hadn't noticed!

George:
I'm not eating raw meat like an animal because a ghost is ovulating!

Mitchell:
I never know with you whether it's Jewish guilt or werewolf guilt.

George:
They're pretty much the same thing.

Gilbert:
So, what's it like living with Mitchell and his mate?

Annie:
Yeah, it's great...

Gilbert:
Don't you find it a bit... violent?

Annie:
Violent...?

Gilbert:
You know... when they... kill people?

Annie:
Oh! No no no, they don't do that. Mitchell's on the wagon; and George, you know, he restricts himself to the odd rat or squirrel in the woods and he never brings it home.

Gilbert:
That's still death for no reason. And death for no reason's murder. I'm a vegetarian. [Note: ghosts like Gilbert cannot eat.]"

Gilbert:
HANG the DJ!!! That record came out in 1990!

Annie:
Who are you, the 80s police?

Gilbert:
No, just someone with taste.

George:
And where have you been young lady?.

Annie:
I met up with Gilbert. We went to the cemetery.

Mitchell:
He knows how to show a girl a good time(!).

Annie:
I'd like to be like his guardian angel and stop anything bad from happening to him.

Gilbert:
Can you stop him from listening to Michael Bublé?

Annie:
Oh okay, so I'm contemplating resolving my death so that I can move on to the next dimension and you're worrying about getting your leg over?

George:
Oh Annie, I really like this woman and it would be so nice to spend an evening with her without worrying about her discovering the existence of the spirit world as well as what I am.

Annie:
Loads of people have had an experience with a ghost, and if they haven't they know someone who has. It is a lot more socially acceptable than you may think. They talk about it on Loose Women all the time.

George:
[shouts] I had sex with Nina last night and it was bloody marvellous! [laughs with glee]

Mitchell:
[Takes George to one side] Annie was killed by Owen.

George:
[Sighs] Five minutes. Could I not have had five minutes with The Biggest News?

George:
we meet people, and fall in love. but when we part, they leave marks for us to remember them by. our lovers sculpt us, they define us for better or worse. like a pin ball we slam into them and rebound in a different direction. repealed by the contact, and after the parting we might be scared, but stronger. Or, more fragile or needie or angry or guilty, but its never unchanged. our lovers linger beside us like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering sometimes screaming invisible but always there.

Mitchell:
Where do I belong? Where do I fit? Who are my people? Where do my loyalties lie? We all choose our tribe. It's that need to belong, to live within boundaries, cause it's scary on the outside, on the fringes. Some labels are forced on us. They mock us, set us apart 'til we're like ghosts, drifting through other people's lives. But only if we let the labels hold. You can piss your whole life away trying out who you might be. It's when you've worked out who you are that you can really start to live.

Annie:
You look like bar staff.

George:
Fair enough, the last time I wore it someone did ask me if the jalfrezi was off.

[George enters wearing an orange flowered shirt]:

Mitchell:
So, this "not-a-date"... tonight's the night you're gonna tell her you cross-dress?

George:
[to Annie] Er... you agree with him?

Annie:
It's hideous.

George:
Oh, well... I kept the receipt...

Annie:
For all I know this could be perfectly normal. You find out your fiancé killed you, you become a... "throwing-things-about" ghost.

Mitchell:
Poltergeist.

Annie:
See, you know the terms, you know how this works. I mean, do you know if I can channel it because I have been dying to pull that fridge out and clean behind it.

George:
I had the wolf in me...

Mitchel:
So did Nina!

George:
What if she's only interested in the wolf?

Annie:
[Agreeing] Mmm.

George:
Oh thanks for "Oh no George, how could that be possible?"!

[Looking at a figurine of Laurel and Hardy]

Bernie:
Who are they?

Mitchell:
Are you serious? They're Laurel and Hardy!

Bernie:
Was the fat one Prime Minister?

George:
You might be thinking of Churchill.

Annie:
Or Hitler - same 'tache.

Mitchell:
I can't believe he's never heard of Laurel and Hardy! Immortality makes me feel so old.

George:
What else have you got up there, some German scat inside Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?

Annie:
How many times have you watched it?

Mitchell:
I've never even seen any scat. Oh well, just that first time, to see what it was...

George:
I'm not the pervert, that's my housemate. And actually, he's not a pervert either.

George:
Who keeps their rotten tomatoes? Who looks in their salad cooler, sees their tomatoes are on the turn and thinks 'oh no, no I'll hang on to those in case some paedos move in opposite'?

Nina:
Saying 'it's not you, it's me' is a stabbable offence in my book and I can easily get my hands on scalpels.

George:
We meet people, and fall in love, and when we part they leave marks for us to remember them by. Our lovers sculpt us, they define us, for better or worse. Like a pinball, we slam into them and rebound in our different directions, propelled by the contact, and after the parting we might be scared, stronger or more fragile, or needy, or angry, or guilty, but never unchanged. Our lovers linger inside us, like ghosts, haunting the corridors and deserted rooms, sometimes whispering, sometimes screaming, but always there, waiting...

[On being given another jar of home-made jam as an apology]

George:
More jam?

Annie:
How many is that now?

George:
That's eleven jars. I wonder what it is about us that says we need jam.

Annie:
It's a gesture. They feel guilty.

George:
Yeah. So is writing "pedo" on the front door.

Owen:
I should have known not even death could be a match for one of your sulks. I mean, that's what this is, isn't it? It's the Isle of Wight all over again!

Josie:
Being human means being mortal. It means dying. You can't rob people of that.

Josie:
The vampires are mobilising. Oh, they're making it sound all New Labour, but this is an invasion! It's a coup!

George:
My thing is a part time thing.

Josie:
Oh right, I thought perhaps you were a wizard or something.

George:
A wizard? [Laughs] That's ridiculous.

Josie:
Trust me, once you've dated a vampire you tend to have a different criteria for what's ridiculous.

George:
I'm looking for something to defend myself with. So far I have a whisk and I have... my mobile phone recharger. [Mimes hitting with each in turn, then throws them down and runs back into the kitchen] What do we take, I mean do... do we take crosses and, and, and, and garlic? I know, we should have watched more films!

Annie:
I'm a ghost actually.

Seth:
Get out! Can you, like, move things about and... walk from one room to another?

George:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure everyone can do that.

Seth:
Shut it, Digby! The only reason why I haven't torn your bastard face off yet... is because I've just done the hoovering in here.

[After Annie has hit him over the back with a chair]

Seth:
Did you just hit me with a chair?!

Annie:
Yes! Sorry!

Seth:
What is wrong with you people? That totally, f***ing hurt!

George:
We were like the world's gayest ninjas!

George:
[holding a chair aloft as Annie and he confront the vampires] Who wants some of my chair?!?

[After killing Seth]

Lauren:
Well he won't be staring at my tits when he speaks to me anymore.

Mitchell:
But you saved us!

Lauren:
[Pleading] So save me.

Annie:
Oh, this is ridiculous!

Mitchell:
You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye.

Annie:
I know, but... f***ing hell!

George:
You might want to have different last words.

Annie:
[Saying her farewells to Mitchell] Don't kill anyone!

Mitchell:
Good tip.

Annie:
Write that down.

Annie:
There's a question you haven't asked yourself yet. If I exist, what else does? You think you're the big bad wolf? You should see George on a full moon. You think you're a cold-blooded murderer? Mitchell was killing 80 years before you were even born. Don't you get it yet? I'm just the tip of the iceberg; I'm good cop. Look at you, so pleased with your grubby little murder, fact is when it comes to pure naked evil, you're an amateur. I want you to know you wandered off the path. This is where the wild things are, and we have got your scent now. We can find you at the edge of the earth, and create unimaginable tortures... and now I'm gonna tell you the very worst thing in the world, something only the dead know... [Whispers in Owen's ear]

Owen:
[scared, crying] That's not true!

Annie:
I saw it. My advice to you: find a safe place, with locks, and bad dogs... and never ever turn out the light.

Police Officer:
How can I help you, sir?

Owen:
I need you to keep me safe!

Police Office:
All right. (takes out a form and a pen) Have you been threatened by someone?

Owen:
I killed my girlfriend. And now she lives with with what I think is... is a werewolf... and a vampire and they're gonna torture me so I need to find somewhere safe!

[beat]

Police officer:
I see. Well, in that case... we're going to need a different form.

Annie:
It was nothing really, just a small good deed in the darkness. But fate is always playing the long-game... They were just two souls united by fear and solitude. Lost in the dark. Fate pushed them together and now they were going to find out why.

Mark:
If you're non-believers that's fine, we can just sit together for a few moments of quiet contemplation.

George:
Contemplation about what?

Mark:
The fiery oblivion that awaits all atheists?

George:
Oh, it's not that. I'm Jewish and... [gestures to Mitchel] he's complicated.

Mark:
Jewish people pray, I've seen Yentl.

George:
You're very sarcastic for a vicar.

Mark:
Yeah, so people tell me, and I feel very bad about it, then I forgive myself.

Mark:
Let me talk to them.

George:
Yes, good idea.

Mark:
Oh! I was kinda hoping you'd say 'no'.

George:
Say something religious.

Mark:
Christ!

[George encounters Herrick in the hospital canteen shortly after Mitchell has been staked]

Herrick:
George, George, it's fine. I'm not here to do anything to Mitchell. I mean, we'll get him but there's no hurry

Herrick:
Avoid the hot chocolate.

[George enters the undertakers and sees an old lady reading]

George:
[To Herrick] I thought the whole undertaker thing was just a front?

Herrick:
Oh it is. That's Nanna, she's one of us. She sits there, reads the brochures. Good for appearances. [To the old lady] You alright Nanna?

Nanna:
Oh, yes!

Herrick:
Had an affair with Hitler didn't you dear?

Nanna:
Oh, yes!

George:
Someone actually recruited an old woman?

Herrick:
Well, you know how it is. You're out and about, you get the munchies, you'll eat anything.

Cara:
Herrick came for me and now I have the blood of the ancestors. Ten thousand years of majesty and glory.

Annie:
Well, congratulations on mastering the whole speaking like a twat thing.

Herrick:
So, a werewolf, a ghost and a vampire decide to live like humans do. They gets jobs, a house and a TV license. They make friends they will lie to, take lovers they will infect; In fact, the only part of humanity they successfully adopt is its ability to deceive and destroy. All in all I'd say your little scheme has been something of a failure.

George:
[To Herrick] Haven't you worked it out yet? Humanity is about love, and sacrifice. This doesn't rob me of my humanity... [Stands upright, to illustrate his point] It proves it.

Annie:
What happens next, Mitchell?

George:
Yeah, is it over? Are we safe now?

Mitchell:
Maybe Herrick was right, maybe some else will pick-up where he left off.

Kemp:
Professor Jaggat... we've found them.

George:
Last night, I had the wolf in me...

Mitchell:
(whispering to Annie) So did Nina.

[She guffaws.]

George:
Stop snickering, this is not a joke! I really, really like Nina, and I thought - well, ha-ha, I hoped! - that she liked me. But what if she's only interested in the wolf?

Annie:
(considering) Hmm...

George:
Oh! Oh thank you for "Oh no George, how could that be possible?"!