Being Human, Series 2

George:
I meant to ask, have you started dunking biscuits into your tea now?

Annie:
It was the logical next step.

George:
Dunking biscuits you can't eat into tea you can't drink is the logical next step?

[George and Mitchell are completely silent]

Annie:
Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job.

George:
As what?

Annie:
Well, it's something that I've always fancied.

George:
Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.

Annie:
They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out.

Mitchell:
The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.

George:
[to Annie] Well your first weeks wages are going on HobNobs.

Mitchell:
[Sarcastically] The disembodied spirit of a dead woman is getting a job in the service industry. What could possibly go wrong?

George:
It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um... deadly furniture.

Mitchell:
Did you just call me deadly furniture?

Nina:
It's a lot to take in. I mean werewolves, ghosts, vampires. I didn't even believe in homeopathy before this.

Mitchell:
Look, are you okay?

Lucy:
I was a house officer at the Whittington in London. I had a boyfriend, a goldfish, a flat with a garden. When it was someone's birthday at work we'd have wine in mugs and eat Twix fingers and, do you know what? It was lovely. But because I am an idiot, and because it was a promotion, I gave it all up and me and my goldfish moved here, where the doctors have an acronym for unattractive female patients; IWEJF - 'I wouldn't even jizz in her face'. And last night, I got home and my goldfish was gone - no body, no note, nothing. So, no, I'm really not okay.

Mitchell:
Do you have a cat? Because, chances are, that's what ate the goldfish.

Lucy:
I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection.

Mitchell:
A cat must have got in somehow.

Lucy:
Yeah, actually, could you just sort of piss off for a bit? [pushes him out through the door. Mitchell pauses for a moment, then goes back in, annoyed]

Mitchell:
As my best friend so 'kindly' pointed out to me this morning, I don't have a girlfriend, all my family are dead, and I mop up puke and pee and shit for five quid an hour. So, much as I sympathise, if we're comparing isolation and disappointment I think I win. [turns to go]

Lucy:
I'm Lucy.

Mitchell:
Mitchell.

Lucy:
I keep screwing up, Mitchell.

Mitchell:
Then you're in good company.

Kemp:
One day you, the Professor and I will sit and take tea together, and gaze up at a full and harmless moon. That will be our reward.

Annie:
Hey, there's a werewolf called Nina in Buffy!

Nina:
I've never seen it.

Annie:
No well, I stopped watching it once, you know, I started living it!

Annie:
Why don't you just use the [phone] at my house? I'm only up the road.

Hugh:
Well I don't think that's such a good idea Annie.

Saul:
[Joking] Yeah he's right, I might murder you.

Annie:
[Laughs] Oh, plenty have tried.

Mitchell:
Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo but today everyone's... being... sick.

Lucy:
So, that was weird.

Mitchell:
I don't know how to talk to you. I know I came on too strong the other day but now... Oh my god, I've become my flatmate.

Lucy:
Okay, look, the replacement goldfish you gave me--

Mitchell:
Trevor.

Lucy:
I love him. We have such a laugh. He was the perfect gesture. And... And that's the speed I'm comfortable with, not forever, but just until I get my head... [Sighs.] Trevor was genius.

Mitchell:
So... what do we do now? Do I buy you another goldfish?

Lucy:
No, no, see you've gone weird again. How about a coffee?

(Veinna 1999, Carl has Mitchell tied to a chair trying to help him get clean)

Mitchell:
Let me go. I've changed my mind.

Carl:
That's tough.

Mitchell:
I'm not ready.

Carl:
I remember saying that when I was tied to the chair.

Mitchell:
Just let me out, let me go out onto the street and we can start tomorrow.

Carl:
We've already started Mitchell.

(another man enters)

Mitchell:
Dan! Let me out! Let me out you queer or I'll rip your throat out! Rargh!

Carl:
Apologise.

Mitchell:
Piss off!!

Carl:
Mitchell, please apologise.

Mitchell:
(hangs his head) I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry.

Dan:
Are you ok?

Carl:
Yes, just leave us.

Mitchell:
How long is this gonna take?

Carl:
Depends, maybe six months.

Mitchell:
Why are you doing this?

Carl:
Because it's what you'd do for me.

Nina:
I'm pretty sure 'werewolf' didn't come up when I spoke to my careers teacher, but life is full of disappointments.

Mitchell:
One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now--

George:
You... um, sorry. You lived with someone... before me?

Mitchell:
...What? Yeah, lots of people.

George:
But-- Who?!

Mitchell:
...Vampires? People-people, I don't know!

George:
Peo-- oh, well, that's it.

Mitchell:
Oh, god. Don't get all--

George:
What? What?

Mitchell:
'You!' Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your... three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!

George:
You are being careful aren't you?

Annie:
Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.

Annie:
Hugh is like a brother to me.

George:
Oh, promise me you'll never tell him that.

Annie:
I think he's really sweet.

George:
Really sweet? Oh my God! What not just stab him in the face? A brother? Annie, trust me, the only man who'd ever want to hear that is your actual brother.

Ivan:
Okay, two rules for Ivan's car: no food or drink and I get to choose the music, and tonight we shall be listening to Miss Kate Bush.

George:
[to Mitchell] He's your murdering fugitive, if you want to keep him, then you have to look after him.

Annie:
What is it with me and volatile, unsuitable men? Be honest, am I Ulrika Jonsson?

Mitchell:
Fifty years and still the same car?

Ivan:
Been keeping her in storage, you know what it's like. If it goes, has a good body and you like being inside it, why get rid of it? It's a recipe for a happy marriage, too.

Ivan:
You think this ends tonight? [laughs] This is just the beginning. Today it's Carl, tomorrow it's someone else. It's like I said, you're sliding into chaos and there's no safety net now. They've been in hiding since Herrick died but they're gonna get hungry soon, then you're going to be waking up to headlines about vampires.

Mitchell:
If we did declare ourselves, but not the way Herrick wanted, but if we could just stop hiding.

Ivan:
What, are you imagining some kind of peaceful co-existence? It'd be chaos! Worldwide panic. Good news for religion, mind, especially Christianity. There'd be standing room only in the churches all of a sudden. And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now, then the homosexuals, the disabled... Do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship in churches a mile high, and every country surrounded by a coral reef of bones. But f*** it, maybe it should happen - there's nothing on TV at the moment.

[A 17th century priest reads a death warrant to a group of vampires]

Priest:
Your teeth will be smashed from your skull as a warning to other devils, then your head will be removed from your body and... [turns to the back of the warrant] no, that's it actually.

Annie:
Strangely, being invisible makes purchasing pyramid teabags a touch awkward.

[Annie reads George's poem about Nina]

Annie:
"My heart yearns for your fragrant hair"?

George:
That's private!

Annie:
Does she have fragrant hair?

George:
Yes. I'm a terrible poet and a terrible boyfriend.

Annie:
What's the last line? "Because you're worth it"?

Annie:
It's not interfering, it's more like regime change.

George:
Oh, because that's never gone wrong.

Mitchell:
Do you people have any FUCKING idea who I am!? My name is John Mitchell, and I've killed more people than you've met!

Annie:
We're like detectives - Crockett and Tubbs.

George:
Or Randall and Hopkirk deceased.

George:
You don't buy any food, you never hoover. I don't think you even know what a pair of Marigolds is!

Mitchell:
I don't do Marigolds.

Annie:
We need to talk. So, George, you start.

George:
[to Mitchell] Are you Okay?

Mitchell:
I've been better. You?

George:
Likewise.

Mitchell:
We should just go out one night and just get hammered.

George:
Yeah, that's a good idea.

Annie:
That's it? That's how you share?

George:
What more is there to say?

Mitchell:
Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable, and I'm kind of stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.

George:
Exactly! File it under 'have discussed'.

Mitchell:
George do you wanna watch The Real Hustle?

George:
Oh I would really like that Mitchell. [to Annie] Women - think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotion is the only way.

Mitchell:
It's not on!

George:
Er, Yeah it is, it's on at 10:30.

Mitchell:
No they moved it.

George:
They-what?! No, you're kidding me?!

Mitchell:
Oh I don't believe it!

George:
No I was looking forward to that.

Mitchell:
10:30 Thursdays; that's 'Real Hustle time'. A f***ing child knows that!

George:
Could I just not have one good thing in my life...?

Mitchell:
...it just drives me insane when they move things around...

George:
...don't I deserve it, don't I deserve one bloody crumb of happiness?

Mitchell:
...this is so... what, so we're supposed to check every week! Like we don't have anything else to do! Is it our responsibility? Why's it down to us?!

George:
I saw a preview, they were going to do a con about cashpoints.

Mitchell:
Really? [George nods] I would have loved that. You bastards! Argh!! [Mitchell flings the TV schedule at the television and walks into the kitchen as George sobs, Mitchell walks back wearing Marigolds] There, I'll do the washing-up! Is everyone happy now?

Annie:
I'll haunt you!

Sykes:
You can't haunt another ghost.

Annie:
I'll give it a damn good go!

George:
There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs.

Mitchell:
She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs.

George:
Ah, so she's on drugs. That makes perfect sense.

Mitchell:
You see, it's pep talks like this I'm really going to miss.

[George talks about his sudden onset of Tourette's]

George:
This can't be happening to me! This can't, I teach language!

Mitchell:
[Fighting a sn*gger] You could teach... bad language!

[George reads vandalism on a mirror]

George:
"Mr. Sands Suck Cocks"? For God's sake! It's "Mr. Sands Sucks Cocks" - singular, not plural. Have I taught you nothing?

Annie:
[after George has stormed out] WOW! Clearly someone's been watching a little too much Gordon Ramsay!

Mitchell:
What? There's no vampires in London?

Herrick:
Yeah, but their head guy and I don't, erm... I sort of killed his Mum.

[Police storm into Mitchell's bedroom]

Police Officer:
[To Mitchell] You! Get up!!

Mitchell:
It's the library books, isn't it?

[Annie and George watch as Mitchell is driven away by the police]

Annie:
[To George] What's he done?

George:
How far back do you want to go?

George:
What's your cat's name, Molly?

Molly:
Molly.

George:
Your cat's called Molly and you're called Molly?

Molly:
My Dad really liked the name. Do you like cats?

George:
Yeah, I couldn't eat a whole one though. [To himself] Who am I kidding, of course I could.

Josie:
I'm not scared of you... at least not as scared as I probably should be.

Mitchell:
Yeah. You should be terrified. You should be begging for f***ing mercy.

Josie:
I should be married to David Bowie.

[George enters the house to see Annie holding a baby]

George:
What is that?

Annie:
A baby; it's one of mine.

George:
How long have I been gone?!

Kemp:
[To Professor Jaggat] You know one of the few things I like about you is that you don't call supper 'tea'. There are many things I hate in this modern world: secularism, showbiz news, but tea is barbaric.

George:
My mother's maiden name is Herod, my internet password is 'password1', I'm indifferent about all competitive sports, and I prefer lager to beer. I don't understand fishing, what is fishing? I'm scared of cancer, I voice hypocritical objections to drive-through takeaways, and I lost my virginity on a canal boat in Tring.

Sam:
Favourite colour?

George:
That would be gamboges - it's a kind of orangey brown.

Mitchell:
You're not scared of me?

Jaggat:
No, at least probably not as much as I should be.

Mitchell:
What did you say?

Annie:
George, I didn't think you would seriously go through with it. I thought the moment would just pass. You know, like when you decided you were gonna wear skinny jeans.

Mitchell:
Skinny jeans?

George:
That was a private conversation.

Mitchell:
Skinny jeans, George? Seriously?

George:
It... it was a moment of madness.

Annie:
No, this is a moment of madness! You cannot move in with someone you've just started dating! Tell him, Mitchell!

Mitchell:
Skinny jeans, George?!?

George:
Yes, yes, alright... look, where the hell were you last night?

Mitchell:
I was with Lucy. We, er... we finally, um... You know. Decided to, em...

Annie:
Oh, this is like the problem pages of Just 17. You had sex, Mitchell. Sex.

Mitchell:
Yeah.

Robin:
Christmas 1998. Faulty panto pyrotechnic. One minute I'm standing in the wings watching Widow Twankey belt out a chorus of "La Vida Loca" the next? Bang! Flat out on my back with every hair on my body standing to attention.

Annie:
Gosh, that's awful.

Robin:
It was a terrible shock.

Annie:
Yeah, I bet it was.

Robin:
No I mean literally, it was a terrible shock. That's what killed me.

Annie:
You can say it, George. I'm not gonna cry or anything.

George:
We've found a new house and we're gonna stay there tonight.

Annie:
[Annie starts to sob] Oh, God!

Ivan:
I'm just one step away from wiping out an entire branch of Argos.

Mitchell:
Look. You just spread the word, OK. I want everyone there.

Ivan:
Just leave it to me. I've got most of them on my Twitter feed, so...

Mitchell:
Ivan, I've met someone. I can't be with her and be part of this. I know it's a big ask. I know it's a huge favor, but I can't. She's my way out of this chaos. This could be my last chance and if I get... Oh, forget it! It doesn't matter.

Ivan:
You should have said it was about love. I get it now. We all lead long and appalling lives. But I have my Daisy. Everyone deserves a Daisy.

Sam:
[To George] You know, it's like you're still there. Sat in that house with Mitchell, watching The Real Hustle, surrounded by cups of cold tea.

Nina:
They might have a cure.

George:
For what?

Nina:
Cystitis. What do you think?!

George:
Right, so we have a defrocked priest and a mad scientist. No, no alarm bells ringing so far.

Mitchell:
Daisy needs closure. And she's decided that the best way of getting that is by cutting your throat.

Daisy:
It's healthy to turn anger outward, you see.

Mitchell:
Ah no, not him again. I thought he moved out! He's always f***ing here.

George:
Oh god. Are you drunk? I hate it when you're drunk. Listen, I need to tell you something important and you'll probably want to have a wrestle, but, uh, listen. I'm going to that place with Nina and the priest and Professor Jaggat.

Annie:
And I'm going to go with him.

George:
Yeah. So, ah-

Mitchell:
Good. Piss off. 'Cause I'm getting really sick of your dog hairs on my clothes.

Mark:
I could save you.

Mitchell:
Excuse me?

Mark:
I saw you in the hospital. The way George looked at you when you were dying. This isn't that man.

Mitchell:
I don't get saved.

Message from Tully -

GEORGE, ALL THE WEREWOLVES DIE. TULLY.

Lucy Jaggat:
I saw Amy McBride this morning.

Kemp:
Amy McBride is dead.

Lucy Jaggat:
She spoke to me. She said, "It's coming."

Kemp:
What is?

Lucy Jaggat:
Retribution, my stuff from Amazon... she didn't go into detail.

[Talking about Mitchell]

Nina:
He's a 116-year-old mass murderer, not a f***ing gerbil!

Nina:
We could play I Spy.

George:
Oh, no.

Nina:
I spy, with my little eye...

George:
Please. Please don't do this!

Nina:
Live with it. It's happening.

Mitchell:
[To Lucy] You have such a reductive view on the world. You say God made man in His own image. But what if that included His rage, and His spite, and His indifference, and His cruelty? God created all of us, we are all God's children... but God's a bit of a bastard. [Smiles] Look at us both. Covered in other people's blood and talking about morality... but there's one difference between you and me: You had a choice.

Nina:
I've got one of your books. 600 pages of utter bullshit!

Lucy Jaggat:
Did you keep the receipt?

Mitchell:
It was Inch High Private Eye that led her here.

George:
What happens now, Mitchell? What do we do?

Mitchell:
We're going to get her back.