Beverly Hills, 90210, Season 2

David:
I can't believe that we're finally free! An entire summer of nothing but beaches and babes.

Scott:
For you, maybe. I'll be spending the summer at my grandparents' in Oklahoma.

David:
You'll have fun.

Scott:
Name one thing fun about Oklahoma.

David:
I bet you not one girl there has ever met a California stud before.

Kelly:
Besides, what cute guy is gonna take an acting class?

Brenda:
Kelly, can't you ever stop thinking about guys for one second? I mean, there is more to life!

Kelly:
Sounds like it's that time of the month.

Brenda:
Well, it is. And it isn't, if you know what I mean.

Kelly:
What are you talking about?

Brenda:
I'm five days late.

Brenda:
What color is it supposed to be again?

Kelly:
Uh, blue for positive, red for negative.

Brenda:
It's green.

Kelly:
That's impossible.

Donna:
Well, maybe that means twins or something.

Brenda:
Donna, that's not funny.

Kelly:
Let me see.

Donna:
I wanna see.

Kelly:
Mmm, it's kind of a pinkish green.

Brenda:
Donna, what color does it look like to you?

Donna:
Honestly? St. Patrick's Day.

Brenda:
I can't believe this. I wait to have sex with the guy that I love, I act responsibly, I take every precaution, and I'm green.

Brenda:
For a moment there, I thought that maybe I was pregnant. My period was a few days late, so I got worried.

Jim:
Well, did you do something that would...give you reason to believe that if you... were a few days late that...that would indicate that you were pregnant?

Brenda:
You mean like sex?

Jim:
Yes, something like that.

Brenda:
Yes, of course.

Brenda:
You're going to the beach club tonight?

Cindy:
One of your father's clients has invited us to join.

Brenda:
The Beverly Hills beach club?

Cindy:
Mmhmm, they're having a big party to honor prospective members.

Brenda:
[to Grandma on phone] Hold on. [to Cindy] The Beverly Hills beach club where Brandon works?

Cindy:
Mmhmm, isn't that a hoot?!

Brenda:
[to phone] Granny hold on. [to Cindy] Does Brandon know that you're going there tonight?

Cindy:
Yeah. Why don't you join us?

Brenda:
Oh, no, no, I can't, um...I'm talking to Grandma.

Sandy:
You know, the way my head is pounding, I don't think anything could make me happy tonight.

Brandon:
Not even the sight of 10,000 wild and crazy grunion having an orgy on the beach?

Steve:
This is an incredible piece of machinery.

Brandon:
Oh no, this isn't about my mommy and daddy, it's about you and your sugar daddy!

Brenda:
You scared me.

Dylan:
It was awesome.

Brenda:
Yeah, really awesome. Look at you. You're lucky to be alive.

Dylan:
I'm fine. You look like an angel.

Cindy:
Oh, Brenda, would you take this up to Dylan for me, please?

Brenda:
Sorry, Mom, it was your idea, I'm not gonna play Nancy Nurse.

Cindy:
Brenda!

Brenda:
Well, what do you want, Mom? I mean, first you and Dad tell me not to sleep with him and then you tuck him in the next bedroom?

Brandon:
Guess a couple busted ribs are God's way of telling you you're grounded, huh?

Dylan:
Yeah, that's funny. I'd laugh, except it hurts.

Brenda:
To be a bitch, or not to be a bitch. That is the question.

Brandon:
I wouldn't say you've been a bitch. Then again...you haven't said a word to him and he has been here all day.

Brenda:
Nobody's here?

Dylan:
[turning off television] Just me and Oprah.

Brenda:
I got more sun than I expected

Cindy:
Honey, you are burnt to a crisp!

Brenda:
I know. I fell asleep. I mean, it's not fair, just because I take a nap, now I can't go to this party tonight with Donna. She's getting dressed up right now and I'm here fried!

Danny Waterman:
Big Dave, are you gonna light that thing or what?

David:
Are you kidding, it could stunt my growth!

Steve:
Too late.

[During police interrogation]

Donna:
I uh...I had a cigar. I threw up.

Donna:
What's the big deal? I mean, just because David's a geek doesn't mean his dad is.

Kelly:
Donna, the avocado doesn't fall far from the tree.

Donna:
No, you know, David's not that bad. I kinda got to know him when we did our scene.

Kelly:
I don't know, he's always looking at me like I'm naked or something. And now he's fully bragging about this date like it's the two of us going out.

Jackie:
Doesn't that sound fun?

Kelly:
No, that sounds totally excruciating.

Mel Silver:
You're gonna love this place, it's one of my favorite resaurants.

Jackie Taylor:
Oh, It's gorgeous.

Kelly:
Mom, isn't this the place that gave, uh, Lori food poisoning?

Jackie:
I don't think so.

David:
So, Kel, you ever dream this would happen?

Kelly:
Not in my wildest, Freddy Krueger nightmares.

Mel:
Well, Kelly I hope we're not dragging you away from your friends tonight, but Jackie and I thought that having dinner together would be fun.

Kelly:
Why?

Jackie:
So that I could get to know David and so that you could get to know Mel.

Kelly:
Let me tell you something about Kelly, Mel. To know her is not to love her.

Jackie:
Kelly!

Mel:
Well, that's not what I hear. Or rather, see, on video.

David:
Dad, you're embarrassing me.

Kelly:
I hardly think that that's possible.

Jackie:
David, your father tells me that you're West Beverly's video historian.

David:
Yeah. Something like that.

Kelly:
I can hardly turn around anymore without that obnoxious video lens being stuck right in my face.

David:
It's nothing personal.

Kelly:
No, it's just a little perverted. What do you call those guys, uh, voyeurs or something...

Jackie:
Kelly...

Mel:
David, I forbid you to commit one more inch of videotape to that gorgeous face.

Kelly:
Thank you. I thought I was gonna have to get one of those restraining orders to keep him away from me.

Jackie:
Let's order.

Kelly:
Actually, I've lost my appetite.

Mel:
You'll be missing out, Kelly, really. This restaurant has one of the best chefs in town.

Kelly:
Well. I knew there must have been some reason why you dragged us here.

Jackie:
Kelly! That's enough!

Mel:
How 'bout a drink, to start.

Kelly:
A drink? You want my mother to order a drink?

Jackie:
I'll have a mineral water.

Mel:
Whatever.

Kelly:
Because the last thing you do is ask a recovering alcoholic what she wants to drink!

Jackie:
KELLY! Why don't you just shut up?!

Cindy:
Well, Kelly, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I mean, true love is kind of like a locomotive, it tends to flatten anything that gets in its way.

Kelly:
Tell me about it. I feel like Gumby.

[Brenda glares at Kelly.]

Kelly:
Gumby, he's flat.

Kelly:
Truce?

David:
Sweetheart...this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Brenda:
Do you know my brother has the exact same shoe size as Paul Newman ?

Andrea:
Figures he would.

[Acting out a scene in their acting class.]

Andrea:
I'm better for her than you are.

Brenda:
The hell you are!

[Brenda slaps Andrea. Andrea turns her head and looks like she is about to cry. They both walk out into the hallway.]

Andrea:
Brenda...Brenda! That is not how we rehearsed the slap!

Brenda:
Oh no?

Andrea:
You know damn well it wasn't.

Brenda:
Well I guess I just got too involved in my character.

Andrea:
That is so lame. There was something else behind that slap and you know it!

Brenda:
Sense memory work?

Andrea:
Oh. And what is that memory based on?

Brenda:
Oh, quick learner. I think you know, Teacher's Pet!

Andrea:
This is perfect. I confide in you, share my feelings. Something I never do, and you completely turn on me!

Brenda:
Yeah, well who confided in who first?

Andrea:
I said I was sorry, Brenda. I had no idea that he was interested in me as anything more than a pupil with stage fright!

Brenda:
Yeah well now we know differently, don't we?

Andrea:
Look, Brenda. You can't steal something from someone that they don't have in the first place!

Brenda:
You know, all school year I listened to you rattling on and on about your feelings for my brother.

Andrea:
This has nothing to do with Brandon.

Brenda:
You're right. it has to do with you and me.

Andrea:
Not anymore.

Andrea:
Funny me. I thought what we had was personal.

Chris Suiter:
Look, Andrea, If you were just five years older...

Andrea:
If I were just five years older you would still be cheating on your girlfriend!

Brenda:
What is that?

Brandon:
It's my lucky hat!

Brenda:
I'm sorry Brandon, but that is one nerdy-looking thing.

Brandon:
Come on, I think it's cool.

Brenda:
Well, maybe to a beaver!

Cindy:
And be extra careful on those deep hiking trails.

Brenda:
We will.

Cindy:
And be sure to head back to the camp well before dark!

Brenda:
We will.

Cindy:
And make sure those boys stay on top of you...when you're hiking, that is.

Donna:
I'll go too.

Brenda:
Donna!

Donna:
For, uh, the ride.

Kelly:
Don't encourage them, alright?

Donna:
There's, uh, something I need to get while we're out.

Brandon:
Like what?

Steve:
Yeah, like what?

Donna:
Uh, uh, a feminine product, okay? Is everyone happy now?

Neil:
What did I say, and why are you making me do this in front of a bunch of strangers?

Allison:
Why not? You're as much a stranger to me as they are!

David:
[holding video camera] I'm sorry, could you guys get a little bit closer together? I can't seem to get you both in the shot.

Neil:
Do you mind?!

Neil:
[to Andrea] Excuse me. [to Allison] Ally, honey, at the risk of sounding like a sexist pig, I have to ask, is it that time of the month?

Donna:
So! Anybody know any good divorce songs?

Dylan:
You got a nice home. A secure family. My mom is a looney tune and my dad is in jail for god's sake!!

Brenda:
I know. I can't imagine how that must feel.

Dylan:
You're right. You can't. You can't even imagine it. So who are you to come down on me about my negative attitude?

Brenda:
Dylan I know you got a bum deal. But can't you look at what you have that is good?

Dylan:
Like what?

Brenda:
Like your friends. Brandon loves you, all the guys think that you're totally cool. I mean every girl I know would love to go out with you

Dylan:
Every girl. But one

Donna:
Oh, wait, I've got it, uh...you know that Robert Palmer song that David was playing today, Addicted to Love ? We could do Addicted to Sex.

Brenda:
Donna, Hello Day is supposed to be a G-rated event.

Kelly:
Brenda, she said he had a cute scar, what do you think is gonna happen?

Brenda:
Kelly, are you gonna do any homework this year?

Dylan:
You can't have it both ways, Bren. The fact of the matter is you gave up any right to ask me questions about my sex life when you decided you didn't want to be a part of it.

Brandon:
Actually, I'd say you're doing just fine.

Emily Valentine:
I was, 'til I broke the 11th Commandment, "Thou shalt not go out with Brenda Walsh's boyfriend."

Brandon:
That's my fault, I was the one who told her.

Emily:
It's not your fault, Brandon, and it's not Dylan's. It's not mine, either. If Brenda had a problem, she should have said something to me.

Brandon:
She didn't really have a chance, things happened kinda fast.

Emily:
So I like guys, so guys like me, what's wrong with that?

Dylan:
Hey, did you bring your guitar?

Emily:
Yeah, I did, it's in the living room.

Brandon:
Oh, well go get it, we could use some music around here.

Emily:
K.

Brenda:
Oh great, a hootenanny.

Brandon:
Brenda!

Brenda:
Oh, excuse me. I didn't mean to be rude.

Emily:
Yes, you did. In fact, it seems like you're going out of your way to be rude to me, Brenda.

Brenda:
Well Em, why don't you just go get your guitar, and bring it back in here, and we'll all gather 'round and swoon.

Emily:
Hey! You're the one that invited me to this party, remember? If you want me to leave, just ask, I'll be happy to oblige.

Brenda:
Oh and disappoint your fans? I wouldn't dream of it.

Dylan:
Brenda!

Brenda:
Dylan, stay out of it. This is between me and Emily.

Emily:
Geez! This isn't Beverly Hills, it's Knot's Landing! When I got to school they should have given me a score card instead of a class schedule, so I could keep track of everyone's boyfriends.

Brenda:
Oh yeah, like that would have made any difference.

Emily:
Oh, grow up, Brenda! You, of all people, should know what it's like to be the new kid in school! All I was trying to do was make friends. I shouldn't have bothered.

Brenda:
So I'm thinking of going blonde again. Or maybe bald, you know, go for that Sinéad look.

Dylan:
What?

Brenda:
You haven't heard a word I've said.

Iris:
[talking about Hawaii] It's a great place to drop your inhibitions, Jim, you know? Grow a beard, swim naked.

Jim:
How...alternative.

Brandon:
Oh, come on, Dad, let's do it, let's just drop out for a while.

Cindy:
Couple of weeks in Hawaii doesn't sound bad to me right now.

Iris:
It is a magical place, you should have seen Dylan when he was there, it even mellowed him out.

Dylan:
It didn't mellow me out, I was bored out of my gourd.

Iris:
You are a magical young lady.

Bartender:
Hey man...you don't have to flash that fake I.D. every time you come in here.

Brandon:
I just don't wanna scrape you off a telephone pole today, it's this thing I got against it.

Brenda:
I mean, didn't you guys used to have nightmares about taking your driver's test?

Kelly:
God, no. I passed with flying colors. I think some people are just born to drive. I mean, I think it's in my genes.

Donna:
Oh, please! You should have seen Kelly when she first got her license. For the first month, I felt like a crash test dummy.

Kelly:
So, I had a few fender benders. That's how you learn.

Bobby:
So, it doesn't seem like your brain's been totally fried by the sun out here.

Brandon:
Well, what'd you expect?

Bobby:
Well, I thought that every other word would be like, "hey dude, like let's so catch some totally fun, gnarly, radical waves."

[The gang is playing charades.]

Brenda:
Oh I cannot believe this, who picked this? Who--who wrote this?

Steve:
Well is it a t.v. show, movie or book?

Brenda:
Steve, you better pray it's not a book.

Surfer Dude:
Oh, what happened to you man?

Bobby:
Nothing. I'm just real lazy.

Kelly:
I guess I was just being led by the heart.

Andrea:
Brandon, why is everybody staring at me, I mean, what's--what's wrong?

Brandon:
Didn't you forget something?

Andrea:
No, I-- [whispers] Oh my God! I forgot my clothes!

Steve:
Oh, I can't make it, I'm going to see R.E.M. that night.

Dylan:
Oooh with, uh, Christine? Sounds a little continuous.

Kelly:
Sounds kind of nauseating if you ask me.

Brandon:
Oh, wait, this Saturday I've gotta go dune bugging with Dylan. I can come home early though, if you want.

Andrea:
Maybe I should go with you. I might break my neck and then I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

Brenda:
He changes his address like a model changes her clothes.

Christine:
You know who Steve reminds me of? Richard Gere in the movie Pretty Woman.

Brenda:
And you're Julia Roberts, right?

Christine:
Why not?

Brenda:
Because she was a prostitute.

Steve:
Don't be a squeef.

David:
Do you wanna dance?

Cleopatra:
No. [walks away.]

David:
So I guess a night of hot monkey love is out of the question.

Brandon:
Well, well, welly-well, well.

Dylan:
Can I say something? I mean, I know the last thing you need right now is another guy telling you what to do or what to think.

Kelly:
Go ahead, please.

Dylan:
You're blaming yourself for leading that guy on, but I want you to know as a guy it doesn't matter how much of a magnet a girl turns on. A guy always has a choice of not making her do something she doesn't want to do.

Kelly:
I didn't make that choice very easy, now did I?

Dylan:
Yeah, you did. You said no.

Emily:
We'll just say we're another couple going as Brandon and Emily. Hey, just think how impressed they'll be with our masks.

Brandon:
Well, I'm pretty impressed with your mask already.

Steve:
Hi. I'd like to exchange an egg.

Cashier:
You want to exchange an egg. Do you have a receipt?

Steve:
No. Do I need a receipt? I mean, is that part of the thing?

Cashier:
It's customary to have a receipt when you want to exchange something.

Andrea:
I think we're in the wrong place.

Steve:
[To Andrea] No, no, this is all part of the deal, watch. [To cashier] I want to exchange an egg.

Andrea:
Look, Steve, let's go.

Cashier:
What's wrong with the egg?

Steve:
Nothing!

Cashier:
But you want another.

Steve:
No, I don't want another egg, I want information!

Cashier:
Look, I don't know what you kids are on, but I'm calling the police.

Steve:
You know, I think we're in the wrong place.

Steve:
I was actually thinking of breaking down and asking Kelly to the dance. I think she deserves another chance.

Brandon:
You're giving her another chance. Isn't she the one who broke up with you?

Steve:
Yeah. But, I forgive her.

Steve:
Eat it.

Steve:
I punched out Chuckie Wilson today.

Samantha Sanders:
Oh my God, well no wonder he's stalling on this deal, how could you do this to me?

Cindy:
I don't look too much like Madonna?

Brenda:
Well, I don't know, it depends on what Madonna looks like this week.

Brenda:
The power to persuade someone to buy something they didn't even know they wanted in the first place, there's nothing like it in the world.

Brenda:
I'm sorry that everybody is put off by the idea of an independent woman trying to take an aggressive posture in pursuit of a specific goal.

Brandon:
Donna, gum is not food.

Cindy:
Time to face the day!

Brenda:
Why?

Cindy:
Don't you have work today?

Brenda:
No comment.

[After Brenda gets into a fender bender]

Brenda:
Oh my God. Oh my God, tell me this isn't happening.

David:
This isn't happening.

Donna:
Bren, don't be like that, you're a good driver!

[Brenda scoffs]

Donna:
Well, you're improving.

Brandon:
I even called Ripley's, and they don't believe it either!

Steve:
Where you going?

Kelly:
To bed.

Steve:
Ok, if you insist, I'll join you.

[Phone rings]

Brenda:
Oh, if that's Kiefer Sutherland, tell him that I'm a little busy.

Brandon:
[answering phone] Hello, Kiefer?

Donna:
Well, if you guys are married then that means you two are brother and sister.

Kelly:
...Oh. My. God.

Ben:
(to Brenda) Your secrets are safe with me and a room full of alcoholics.

Kelly:
You know you can be such a jerk sometimes!

Steve:
You wouldn't be laughing if you were failing English.

Brandon:
Where is my Mr. Pony?

Brenda:
You didn't have a Mr. Pony; you had a Mr. Lion and you lost him and cried for three days straight.

Brandon:
You do have a good memory and if you ever tell anyone that I will kill you!

Donna:
[while watching the video for I Adore Mi Amor] It's the greatest video in the history of videos.

[The guys are waiting for a stripper to show up; the doorbell rings.]

Steve:
She's here, she's here!

Brandon:
What do I do?

Dylan:
Answer the door.

Brandon:
What do I say?

Dylan:
I hear "hello" is really popular.

[Brandon answers the door and sees Andrea.]

Brandon:
Hel--lo.

Andrea:
Brandon, hi! [laughs]

Brandon:
Andrea, what are you doing here?

Steve:
[to Dylan] Zuckerman, moonlighting?

Dylan:
Nah...

[Discussing what they will say to Color Me Badd.]

Donna:
Well, I'm gonna ask them what their favorite color is.

Kelly:
Their favorite color is badd, of course!

Bryan Abrams:
I was thinking you might like a pass, you can come check out the show later on.

Kelly:
Oh. No, I couldn't, really.

Bryan Abrams:
Aww, come on

Kelly:
Well, I have 3 friends. Could I get 4?

Bryan Abrams:
Ok, you talked me into it. Come on. I'll get you as many as you need. I got 3 friends too.

[While the guys are watching the stripper]

Steve:
Hey, guys, you think a burger comes with that shake?

Brenda:
Dylan invited me to go to Baja with him.

Kelly:
And Cindy and Jim are letting you go?

Dylan:
She hasn't asked them yet.

Kelly:
Oh, well in that case, what videos should we rent?

Brenda:
Kelly, they might say yes.

Kelly:
Yeah, right.

Brenda:
Anyway, if they do, is it okay? I mean, do you mind?

Kelly:
Yeah, I mind. I don't see why you'd want to go and spend an incredibly cool and romantic weekend with your boyfriend, when you could stay here in town and be miserable with me.

Brenda:
Thanks Kel, I knew you'd understand.

Dylan:
We better go before the porsche turns into a pumpkin.

Brenda:
Do we have to?

Dylan:
Yeah, it's either that or you call Jimbo and ask if we can stay down here another week.

Brenda:
Ooh, adios Mexico.

Border Patrol Officer:
Hey, I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to get a legal guardian down here with your birth certificate; or failing that, they'll have to sign a sworn affidavit verifying you a citizen. Unless, maybe you're not an American citizen.

Brenda:
Of course I am. It's just that if you call my parents, I'm a dead American citizen.

Kelly:
Dylan McKay, that's all we ever talk about! Did it ever occur to you that other people have relationships that they take seriously!?

Brenda:
How can you even compare your problems with Jake who you barely even know to my problems with Dylan? I mean, you're not even up there with Donna and David!

Donna:
What's that supposed to mean?

Kelly:
That means that Brenda's being a self-centered little bitch!

Donna:
You guys, come quick!

Jackie:
What?

Donna:
It's raining in the living room!

Brenda:
Donna, what kind of wedding are you gonna have?

Donna:
I don't know. Maybe something traditional, in a church. Or maybe I'll do something really wild, like that couple who got married bungee jumping.

Kelly:
Bungee jumping?

Donna:
Yeah, it's totally perfect. You know, you jump off the cliff with the long, rubber cord attached to you. It's totally death-defying, just like marriage.

Brenda:
Oh, and that's when you say, "I dooooooooo!"

Andrea:
If 4 out of 10 marriages end in divorce, and Kelly's mom's been divorced 3 times and David's dad's been divorced once, then they've already beat the odds; between them both they've been divorced 4 times, this marriage is gonna last forever.

Dylan:
Got Kelly fooled. Be careful, Jake. She's a young girl. Emotional. If she feels something, it's permanent record. Trust me, it doesn't feel good to have that messed with.

Jake:
Kelly knows what's up.

Dylan:
Oh, you told her your life history.

Jake:
Hey, don't worry about Kelly. Okay, Dylan?

Brandon:
This is David, Donna, and Dylan.

David:
You can just call us the three D's!

Brandon:
Look, David, we're putting out this issue with a tribute to Scott.

David:
Why? So people can glance at it and then throw it in the garbage?

Brandon:
No, so people can get some idea about who he was.

David:
Look, he was a jerk, okay? He was a jerk who blew himself away, that's who he was. You don't know. You left early. You missed out on the fun part when he picked up a loaded gun and twirled it around like he was Wyatt Earp. You weren't there to see him goof up and bleed all over his mom's Persian rug.

Brandon:
David, the microphone is on.

David:
I don't care. No-one gave a rat's ass about Scott until he died and I was the worst one of all! He was my best friend and I dropped him! Because he wasn't cool like you or Kelly or Steve.

Brandon:
David...

David:
So they're looking at me. So what? They've been looking at me for days, Brandon! "Oh, poor David, is he going to be okay? I hope he hasn't cracked up yet." I can't even walk through the halls without someone in my face trying to cheer me up like they're my new best friend! Well, what about my old best friend? It doesn't matter what you write about him in that paper, Brandon. It doesn't matter what you say about someone once they're gone. What matters is how you treat them when they're still here. (pause) I guess you can quote me on that.

Donna:
He's taking you where?

Brenda:
To Paganini.

Donna:
Oh, their spaghetti is great!

Brenda:
Donna, Paganini is a composer.

Steve:
Brandon Walsh really knows how to dump a girl. I've never seen someone so smart!

Brenda:
Was that Ebenezer Scrooge or Cindy Walsh?

Donna:
(about Felice's pro-abstinence speech) If you say kids don't need condoms because they shouldn't be having sex, you're overlooking two important things. One is that a lot of kids are having sex, and the other is that they are kids. It's like, if you have a swimming pool in your backyard, you can tell your children not to go in, you can even put a fence up around it; but if you know they're going to find a way into that water, don't you think you aught to teach those kids how to swim?

Brandon:
Who would of thought Andrea Zuckerman would be leading the sexual revolution?

Brenda:
Who would of thought Donna Martin would be leading the next sexual revolution?!