Bogan Hunters

Pauly:
You got any tatts?

Andrew:
Oh, I've got five dogs, or six dogs, but not here yet.

Pauly:
No, no, no, tattoos, you got any tattoos?

Andrew:
Tattoos, oh, only these ones.

Pauly:
Andrew has all his girls' names tattooed on one arm. That's the girl's side, with the kid's names. And on the other arm, he's got all the boys.

Andrew:
So the other side are all me kids.

Pauly:
That's all the boys... But there's a reason.

Andrew:
Because I can't remember the dates of birth, 'cause I'm always too smashed.

Pauly:
So you just put them on your arm, makes it easier?

Andrew:
Yeah if I have to go to Centrelink and they ask me, I go 'well, here we go, here's their date of birth'.

Pauly:
And while we're on the topic of the bigger girls in Tassie, what do you call the larger girls in Tassie?

Darren:
Obeasties.

Pauly:
Obeasties?

Darren:
Yes. You can't call them fat, 'cause its just discrimination, so we call them obeasties.

Pauly:
Obeasties, oh I get it because beastie and obese and you put them together and you got an obeastie.

Darren:
That's it!

Pauly:
I'm glad I'm not fat, 'cause I'd be f%#@&!^ insulted badly.

Pauly:
Where are you from, man?

German Tourist:
Germany, yeah.

Pauly:
He's from Germany and you've come all the way to visit Bon Scott's grave?

German Tourist:
Yes.

Pauly:
You like Bon Scott?

German Tourist:
Bon Scott.

Pauly:
He's good?

German Tourist:
Zuper.

Pauly:
Zuper?

German Tourist:
Zuper, Zuper, Bon Scott, here.

Pauly:
Bon Scott's in his heart mate. He's come all the way from the other side of the planet. That's the influence the bogans have had on the world.

Pauly:
If you don't know what a game of thongs is, basically; two contestants, one thong a piece, the hardest hit in the head is the winner.

Nanna Shazza:
I'm a Holden girl. I've loved working on the Holdens. You bring a Ford in my driveway, prepare to have it lit on fire.

Pauly:
Before we could investigate, Kev demanded a rematch. New Zealand might be good at rugby, but they can't beat the Darwinians when it comes to sculling drinks. Shane smashed him again. The Kiwi has gone down harder than a sack of potatoes mate.

Kev the Kiwi:
Nah, nah, they're really cold eh, I like my beers warmer.

Pauly:
Look, look mate, you didn't even, look how much is left on it!

Gazza:
Me step dad always said, you know, if you drive a Holden, you're a real man and he said if you drive a Ford, you're a bloody idiot.

Pauly:
So if you're driving like a Ferrari?

Gazza:
They're compensating for what they don't really have downstairs for the ladies.

Pauly:
What about a Lamborghini?

Gazza:
Only pussies drive them.

Pauly:
I asked the receptionist about any unusual tatts she'd seen.

Tattoo Parlor Receptionist:
A turd on a girl's back.

Pauly:
A toad?

Tattoo Parlor Receptionist:
A turd.

Pauly:
A turd ?!?

Tattoo Parlor Receptionist:
A turd.

Pauly:
A s#!% ?!?

Tattoo Parlor Receptionist:
Yes!!

Pauly:
Now, that thermal camera is looking straight through the blinds, and you're getting a great example of the mating of the bogan, or 'rooting' as it is most commonly known.

Shazza:
Mate, this bloke's a stayer. He's gone longer than a minute!

Pauly:
Look at the way a bogan will move so quick to a beer, the same way a crocodile will snap up for its food. And that's how quick a bogan would be for their Centrelink cheque on a Thursday.

Pauly:
This bloke told us he's the 'Snoop Dogg of Ravenswood'.

The Snoop Dogg of Ravenswood:
In Ravenswood, skids are good. Bogans on the street with their... uggies.

Pauly:
He's busted a few rhymes for us.

The Snoop Dogg of Ravenswood:
We've got Pitbulls, not... other.. little dogs. Chihuahuas.

Pauly:
Is it just me, or is it not rhyming? I thought I'd battle him, look at this. I'm in Ravenswood, I'm down in the hood, and it's very good.

The Snoop Dogg of Ravenswood:
We stab people, shoot people and it's very good.

Pauly:
He should just stick to unwrappin'... his lunch.

Pauly:
Marijuana psychosis will make you do things like forget to put the chair in the car, and other weird things....

Mr. Manson:
And these are old pets we like to keep around.

Pauly:
We found out that these things here were actually from his pet! And that's when Shazza spotted the arse in the cage.

Shazza:
What the f#%@ is that? You've got a women's pair of legs in a f%#@&!^ cage behind a child's swing ?!?

Mr. Manson:
Don't judge me it's art! Don't judge me it's art!

Shazza:
Alright Mr. Manson, I've gotta get the f#%@ outta here.

Fordy:
Let's go!! What are you gonna do? F#%@ you!

Pauly:
When dealing with wild bogans, sometimes a temporary sedation is required.

[Pauly thongs the absolute f#%@ out of Fordy, knocking him flat on his back.]

Pauly:
He's not hurt, but he knows his boundaries. I'm a Boganologist, I love the species. That hurt me more than it hurt him.

Pauly:
The team noticed an intoxicated bogan attempting to drive home.

Kev the Kiwi:
Yeah! We've got him bro.

Shazza:
Hey Kev!

Pauly:
Honestly come up there, get up to him! Get up along side him!

Shazza:
Go get him Pauly, get him!

Pauly:
The bogan was pursued in the bogan hunting vehicle.

Shazza:
Get him! Go, get him Pauly, get him!

Pauly:
For his own good, Shazza pulled out the taser.

Bogan:
EEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Kev the Kiwi:
That fella was trying to drink and drive! That's a no-no bro!

Pauly:
So now we've let him off. It's time for him to go back to his habitation and sleep it off. We've got his keys.

Chris:
I've had women say in clubs 'can I touch it?', and unfortunately they're referring to the mullet.

Tahir:
People think, like, bogans, like, are s#!% drivers. I don't agree, if you don't like the way bogans drive, get off the footpath!

Rob:
There should be a bogan proof fence around Tasmania, and there should be snipers on the bottom there of Victoria and South Australia, just keeping an eye out for any bogans coming through.

Pauly:
On our bogan hunt around the country, we discovered a new trend, the new test of bogan manhood. Harden up, and take a 'thonging'. To gain points in this competition, you have to be hit by the thong and show little or no reaction.

Henry:
So do you let life happen to you, or do you make life happen?

Justin:
I've made life happen twice.

Henry:
Tell me how?

Justin:
F%#@&!^ rooted me ex missus.

Henry:
You what ?!?

Justin:
I made two lives.

Henry:
Aaahh OK.

Pauly:
We'd traveled from Tassie to the Top End, and we'd seen a culture and a species rarely documented. What great examples of bogans in all extremity we had experienced. And in the face of political correctness, this iconic Aussie thrives and strives. We have so much more work to be done. To truly understand this iconic Aussie, the bogan hunt must continue. We're gonna see you next time, when the Bogan Hunters are in your bougainvillea!