BoJack Horseman, Season 5

BoJack:
Sartre was wrong. Physical pain is so much worse than prolonged emotional distress. What a hack!

BoJack:
My Dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, "Wait, did you say he died in a duel?" and "Who dies in a duel?". The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn't get any stores to carry it, or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So, my father, ever the Proud Mary, decides he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn't understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn't like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He'd even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was a batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he's actually read the book and what he thought, but not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

----

BoJack:
The weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're next. I mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a wait list for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty. I actually had a near-death experience, recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I'm an actor. I do my own stunts. I'm on this new show, "Philbert". I'm Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn't come out yet, but it's already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz [inhales, takes out a container of pills] I've to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up 'cause of the shooting schedule, I don't even know what morning means anymore. There's a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who's been to so many funerals, he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps down the pills] Anyway, you know what I thought when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? "Won't they be sorry." Cool thought, brain.

----BoJack:
You know what it's like? It's like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just-- it couldn't put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like Becker. Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across the room and says, "BoJack Horseman, I see you." But I guess to good to know. It's good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it's good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it's good. It's good that I know that. So... it's good that my mother is dead. [gulps and then sighs] Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea... what she wanted. [beat] Unless she just wanted what we all want... to be seen. [He walks over to the casket, opens it, and gets a shocked look on his face. He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and looks at it and then his audience, a group of geckos.] Is this Funeral Parlor B? ----

Stefani:
Diane! What have you been up to? Tell me everything.

Diane:
Actually, I've been working on a book of essays...

Stefani:
Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite, and it's very rude of you to assume that I care. I have news that's actually interesting...

Stefani:
You know what your problem is? You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself. It's super helpful for writing hot-take shakedowns, and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.

Diane:
But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves - and of the people in our lives?

Stefani:
Of course. But we all fail, Diane. The world is unforgiving enough as it is. The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

Diane:
Well, then maybe we should be more forgiving in our content, and maybe not publish so many take-downs?

Stefani:
[looks at her with condescending amusement] Oh, Diane.

Gina:
[after a drug-addled BoJack strangles and almost kills her] What the fuck is wrong with you!?