Boston Legal, Season 2

Alan:
[talking about Bernard] He seems to take particular delight in all of this. Does he not, Catherine?

Catherine:
We all do. It's fun to see pretty people fall.

Alan:
Your little boyfriend is twisted. Trust me when I tell you, he's not finished killing.

Judge Harvey Cooper:
Mr. Shore, This, this woman is trying to manipulate this process. I will not be manipulated.

Denny:
(Whispered To Alan) Mad Cow!

Judge Cooper:
Silence! (To Alan) She likely fired her last attorney because she told him she did it, and he couldn't have put her on the stand to lie, so she was forced to retain new counsel, thereby keeping them in the dark. And now we have you, (to Denny) and you.

Denny:
Well, if this woman wishes to manipulate me in the dark, then...

Alan:
Denny...

Judge Cooper (To Denny) Silence!

Denny:
(Whispered To Alan) The eye!

Judge Cooper (Whispered) Quiet!

Shirley:
You know, I hate to break up the tea party but...

Malcolm:
Careful, we're still a bit thin-skinned on that one. Such a waste of proper tea.

Alan:
I can see you're aroused. You might consider the last man to make love to her died while doing so.

[Denny looks over Kelly Nolan's body.]

Denny:
I'll take my chances.

Denny:
Certainly you'd want me by your side at this trial.

Kelly Nolan:
I'm sure you're very sweet, but old men tend to die on me.

Denny:
I'm Denny Crane. No bigger ass--asset! You want me at your table.

Denny:
My God, you're even more striking in person.

Kelly:
Who is this man? And why is his face about to explode?

Alan:
Kelly Nolan, this is Denny Crane. Success has caused his head to swell.

Denny:
Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometimes sex counts, too. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn't get enough of me, the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.

Shirley:
They invented color television.

Denny:
You and me. In my office. Gimme 2 minutes.

Shirley:
If you could last 3 I might consider it.

Kelly:
[to Denny] How 'bout you go back to your office? I'll have a pair of my pants delivered. You can try and get in them on your own time.

Judge Peter Harding:
And how are we supposed to understand what she's saying?

Malcolm:
Well, we have her affidavit. Plus as it happens, I speak cello.

[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony mid episode]

Denny:
Is the show over already? You look beaten.

Alan:
I just caught Tara laughing with another man.

Denny:
Are you sure they weren't just...kissing or something?

Catherine:
[to Bernie] What are ya going to do? Whack me on the head?

Denny:
When a beautiful woman says, 'get me off', you 'get her off', Shirley, it's as simple as that.

Denny:
[to Kelly] I'll visit you in jail. Conjugal.

Denny:
I'm sorry, your honor. I have mad cow disease. I think you do, too.

Alan:
Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It’s a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don’t because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan’s plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She’s cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn’t there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.

[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony mid episode]

Denny:
Is the show over already?

Denny:
This isn't meaningful; practicing law and drinking scotch at 9 o'clock in the morning. Well, ok, maybe the scotch is meaningful.

Shirley:
I make over a million dollars a year, and I'm in a basement looking for a dead midget.

Denny:
You're one of those environmental lawyers?

Peter Barrett:
Is there something wrong with that?

Denny:
They're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something - I came out here to enjoy nature. Don't talk to me about the environment.

Alan:
All reality, none of it scripted.

Denny:
Can I fish yet?

Guide:
You still have a timeout. You just sit there.

Alan:
God likes to fish?

Denny:
We need to go to the woods and touch ourselves...get in touch with ourselves.

Judge Sean O'Byrne:
I find it insulting to be lectured by an American about the environment.

Denny:
Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the Axis.

Environmentalist:
Excuse me. Are you Denny Crane?

Denny:
Yes I am, and I am not your father.

Judge:
Mrs. Piper, you wish to address the court?

Catherine Piper:
Just...is it possible to request the Robert Blake jury?

Alan:
Mindful that abroad, people expect shock and awe when Yankees arrive on the scene, we shall leave you with two small but lasting words...

Denny:
Denny Crane, eh.

Alan:
They call them cling-ons.

Denny:
Did you says Klingons?

[Denny wakes up to find Alan in his bed.]

Denny:
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!

Alan:
I don't know!

Denny:
What do you mean you don't know?!

Alan:
I...got scared! I thought I heard a bear outside!

[Denny and Alan are out on the balcony at the end of the episode looking at a photograph]

Denny:
I shot my first steelhead!

Congressman Raymond Jacobs:
May I ask, Denny, how do you feel about gun control?

Denny:
For Communists.

Congressman Jacobs:
What about banning assault weapons in the private sector?

Denny:
As soon as you say it's OK to ban assault weapons, my friend, even in the private sector, you make it easier to take guns away from hunting, then personal protection. Soon the military and the police are without firearms.

Denny:
When God strips you of your talent, He should at least have the decency to strip away the memory of having had it.

Alan:
My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.

Catherine:
[to Alan] Thank you. Baretta said that to his attorney. It brought him luck.

Prosecutor:
Law and order isn't simply something on television four nights a week.

Denny:
I still am Denny Crane.

Denny:
I wish I was never great...because I remember.

Denny:
I can't be sure, but in the middle I think I actually felt smoke coming out my ass.

Alan:
Catherine, may I ask why would you seek to befriend this man?

Catherine:
Well, I felt at his core he wasn't evil. I also thought I could help him by introducing him to Jesus Christ, our Savior.

Alan:
Was he open to that?

Catherine:
Not terribly. He thought it would make him look like a bad Jew.

Denny:
I heard about Tara. I feel you're hurt.

Alan:
What's most upsetting, Denny, is I don't hurt.

Denny:
So I don't have to hug you and tell you I'm there for you and all that crap.

Alan:
We can skip it.

Congressman Jacobs:
Raymond Jacobs, you handled my first divorce 15 years ago. My wife's name was Lois.

Denny:
I remember.

Congressman Jacobs:
Why wouldn't you. You slept with her.

Denny:
Only after the divorce was final.

Denny:
I've often found that it's the chubby girls who offend most easily.

Denny:
She's always ogling me.

Shirley:
Yes, putting reality aside...

Denny:
I have nothing against marriage. I've done it five times.

Denny:
I actually begin my dates by putting cash right on the table.

Alan:
And that works?

Denny:
With the hookers.

Denny:
I'll take a friend over a wife every time.

Shirley:
[to Denny] Did you tell Lori you liked chubby sex?

Denny:
I meant it as a compliment!

Denny:
Don't talk about the environment. It's too political and half the people are against you.

Alan:
Half the people are against the environment?

Cassie:
[to Garrett] I screw. I just don't date.

Alan:
Why is that so important to everyone, maintaining integrity?

Denny:
First of all, I haven't had sex with a camel since I was in the Army. And the camel never complained.

Catherine:
Alan, I've been Schmidt-canned!

Judge Resnick:
Halloween is a secular holiday. More importantly, it's a silly holiday...I advise both parties to lighten up.

Alan:
We have no strategy for getting out. We, as a nation, are in denial. [Cassie] is in this courtroom, honoring one dead soldier. That's a start.

Shirley:
Who decides when it's OK to make fun of a religion?

Army recruiter:
[on the witness stand] We're at war. We need soldiers.

Denny:
[to Alan] I don't want to look at you right now.

Cassie:
I don't want to have sex with you anymore. [pauses] So there we are.

Garrett:
There we are.

Denny:
Drop the case, do it now... I'm directing you. Drop it.

Alan:
No.

Denny:
Most of the Cranes in my family were flamingos.

Alan:
What are you thinking about? It's not a trick question.

Denny:
Can't I have a solitary, pensive moment? Keep a thought to myself?

Alan:
Ha, ha... You forgot what you were thinking.

Sam Sawtell:
We don't do hexes! [punches Bob Matthias in the mouth] We do throw punches, occasionally.

Denny:
I prefer to be alone. Please leave.

Alan:
Why?

Denny:
No reason.

Alan:
If you were to guess at a reason?

Denny:
If I were to guess, I'd say maybe I don't want to socialize with a pinko liberal Democrat commie.

Alan:
Ahh.

Denny:
Alan, I've loved you like a...

Alan:
Sister?

Denny:
We're Americans. And to be critical in a time of war...even the Democrats are smart enough to keep their mouths shut on this.

Brad:
Don't you two have anything else to do?

Garrett:
We're discussing a case, sir.

Brad:
It's not a case. It's an abuse of the judicial process.

Garrett:
Yes, we're discussing that.

Brad:
Do you know your briefcase is smoking?

Alan:
This is the season, Brad. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble and so forth.

Brad:
This is a law firm.

Alan:
Thank you for that.

Paul:
You shot out your client's kneecap!

Alan:
I squeezed a clown's nose today.

Denny:
Good for you!

Denny:
Hope you die. Denny Crane.

Denny:
Hey kid, front and center. I bet you'd lick my shoes for a murder case, wouldn't you?

Garrett:
Oh, I would, sir.

Denny:
Because I like you, you don't have to lick them. Just dust them with your sleeve.

Denny:
Indigent are poor. Hate the poor. Can't pay.

Denny:
It's fun being me. Is it fun being you?

Alan:
Most of the time actually.

Denny:
Then what else is there?

Alan:
Indeed.

Alan:
What would you do as mayor of Boston?

Denny:
Oh, I don't know, attack Rhode Island. Small.

Brad:
You need to stand up and deliver this closing.

Alan:
Will the clown be there?

Denny:
[to Judge Harvey Cooper[ You're a douchebag. I don't do well with douchebags.

Melissa:
[to Alan] I will not be objectified...

Brad:
[to Alan] I told you to interview.

Dwight Biddle:
It's Bumpy, isn't it? I had such a crush on that cow. It doesn't mean I'm gay.

Dwight Biddle:
We became very close.

Shirley:
You strayed with livestock?

Dwight Biddle:
It's not what you think. It was all very loving.

Melissa:
You're a really weird man, aren't you?

Alan:
Seems so.

Dr. Glouberman:
I would never do anything to harm a patient. My fat, Denise, it's the good stuff.

Melissa:
I will make sure you don't wig out and that's it.

Alan:
I'm not sure the term 'wig out' has legal teeth.

Melissa:
Mmm, but it is extremely xeroxable for all the partners' windshields.

Dr. Glouberman:
She's a vicious, spiteful, treacherous pig. That's what she is.

Denise:
I'm not going to lead with that.

Denny:
Because we're friends, I'm gonna tell you something nobody else knows. I'm homophobic.

Alan:
[deadpan] I'm stunned.

Denny:
Thank you, Alan, for coming with me.

Alan:
I think friends should always encourage friends to get their heads examined.

Gracie Jane:
Gracie Jane.

Denny:
Denny Crane.

Gracie Jane:
Gracie Jane.

Denny:
Are you making fun of me?

Denny:
Here's a little secret. I know things. Don't tell.

Alan:
That secret seems unbelievably safe.

Gracie Jane:
[referring to the poor in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina] Maybe they couldn't get out. Maybe they thought the federal government might rescue them or, failing that, give a damn.

Denny:
How stupid is that?

Alan:
You and Jane Fonda?

Denny:
Lest we forget Barbarella. Then she turned on me. Went red. They caught her in one of those communist bitch hunts.

Alan:
I think you mean witch hunts.

Denny:
No, I'm right on this one.

Alan:
Denny, I could be wrong, but you might want to think about settling this.

Denny:
You're absolutely right. You could be wrong.

Shirley:
I always say two things. One is, everything you do reflects of Crane, Poole, and Schmidt. What is the other?

Denise Bauer:
You're Schmidt.

Denny:
[to Alan] We're friends -- and we're sleeping together!

Denise:
[to Garrett] I could kiss you -- but I won't.

Shirley:
[to Denise and Brad] We are lawyers. We sue people. We do not abduct.

Brad:
Shock and awe, boys, shock and awe.

Denise:
[eyes locked with Garrett] Garrett, I need you...to do some research.

Denny:
Here's what you need to know about the practice of law. It all comes down to money.

Denny:
You, kid.

Garrett:
Yes. sir.

Denny:
Fix my tie. [to Sara] You, you know my name?

Sara:
Yes, sir.

Denny:
Good. Maybe someday I'll learn yours.

Denny:
Seriously, do I act like I'm the only one in the room?

Alan:
Denny, one of the things I love about you is when we talk, often it's as if you're not even in the room.

Alan:
You know, we have a saying in Massachusetts. "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." Until then.

Denny:
What are you doing in my office?

Paul:
This is my office, Denny.

Denny:
Oh, that must mean I've come to see you...why?

Denny:
Denny Crane. My poop doesn't smell. Comes out in pretty colors, pastels. Denny Crane.

Frank:
You attacked a man, cutting off his fingers. As someone who took an oath to uphold the law, yes, I take that personally.

Brad:
Good sound bite, Frank. Might want to save it for the cameras.

Denny:
[to Shirley] It's not nice to talk about crazy people behind their backs.

Denny:
[to Judge Brown] Judge, you're old. I'm old. Lock and load before we're dead.

Melissa:
That was the single sexiest thing I've ever seen a man do.

Alan:
You should see me do it naked.

Alan:
The credit card industry is a pack of hyenas crunching on the bones of the poor.

Denny:
With juries, it always comes down to simple. There's nobody simpler than me.

Melissa:
How's my hair? Does my hair work?

Alan:
It does appear to grow each month.

Shirley:
[to Father Ryan] Do I dare ask where those three fingers have been prior to my client chopping them off?

Father Ryan:
That's a cheap shot.

Shirley:
I've been known to take them.

Denny:
I have an erection... Let the trial begin. I'm ready.

Denny:
Denny Crane.

Shirley:
That is not a legal defense.

Denny:
With all that's going on in the world these days, who among us hasn't wanted to take an axe to a priest?

Denny:
Think we’ll ever see the day when the defense lawyer will be legally permitted to shoot the defendant?

Alan:
We seem to be making progress.

Denny:
Denny Crane. I’ll be your attorney.[imitating to shoot somebody]

Alan:
Jerry, you know I have a tremendous affection for my own intelligence, and even I think you are smarter than me.

Jerry Espenson:
Oh, I am.

Beverly:
Nice night.

[Denny turns and looks at her]

Denny:
Suddenly it is.

Denise:
The rich are different from you and me.

Paul:
Certainly from you.

Denny:
What the hell kinda charity is 'Children's Group'?

Shirley:
We're teaching children to read.

Denise:
No, we're buying them food.

Alan:
I thought we were providing them with old people to play with.

[After Denny has sex on the desk in his office without dropping all the blinds on the storefront windows]

Shirley:
This is unprofessional, Denny. You are setting a very bad example for the rest of the firm.

Denny:
Understood. And, from now on, in this office, those blinds go down before anybody else does.

Denny:
Mmmm! Everyone, this is the cake I want for my birthday.

Bev:
And why did you screw him?

Shirley:
I lost a bet.

Shirley:
But understand that everyone at this firm is considered a witness. Don't expect anyone at this firm to help you -- OR speak to you.

Alan:
And won't that make for a refreshing change.

Denny:
So, do you like her yet? You promised.

Alan:
I did. And I do.

Denny:
I thought you would. She has many fine qualities.

Alan:
She makes my friend smile. That's the only quality that matters.

Denny:
Alan, Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen.

Alan:
I think it's the other way around.

Denny:
Not last night.

Denny:
[to Paul] I left Bev on simmer. She should be coming to a boil rather nicely now.

Denise:
Have you ever actually tried a case?

Daniel Post:
No, but I've always wanted to. Think of it as the Make-A-Wish foundation granting a dying kid his fantasies...if that kid were a rich guy in his forties.

Alan:
And good for you, you've enlisted the one prosecutor who's running for D.A. next year. Tell me, how big was your campaign contribution? And is there a matching fund here at the firm we can all go in on?

Shirley:
It was sizeable, and speak to Kim in accounting.

Store Owner:
Do you know how many times I have been held up this year?

Alan:
Far too many to appreciate her little prank, I'm sure... May I ask if that's your car out front, the Datsun with the dents in the side?

Store Owner:
Yeah...

Alan:
I have a friend who... has a friend, he's a magician with body work. He'll make those dents disappear, change the color, he'll make that Datsun look exactly like a late model BMW.

Store Owner:
Can he...make the seats look like...leather?

Alan:
The man's a miracle worker!

Alan:
So how are you doing?

Denise:
Fine.

Alan:
I have a rabbi friend with a small gambling problem who, when he hears someone say they're fine, he always asks again until they say something--other than 'fine.' So, how are you doing?

Alan:
I always feel slightly sick to my stomach when I work alone in the office late at night.

Denise:
I thought you liked being alone.

Alan:
Oh, I love being alone. I just prefer to be alone when there's other people around.

Alan:
[to Denny] Ah, there you are. I've hardly seen you this episode.

Garrett:
I want you out of my office! I'm an attorney, I graduated top of my class at Suffolk University Law School, I passed the Bar Exam the very first try, AND I was recruited by the best firms.

Catherine:
I killed a man.

Alan:
I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.

Denny:
Bev and I had something to do...then we did it again.

Shirley:
[looking around the courtroom] The District Attorney's here.

Alan:
Scott Bodner. Politicians are drawn to cameras like flies are drawn to...

Shirley:
Politicians.

Shirley:
If I agree to help you, one condition. I assume during the course of this case 'breasts' will be referred to in many colorful ways.

Alan:
One would hope.

Shirley:
Personally, however, I don't ever want to hear them referred to as 'hooters'. I hate that word. Oh, and this is a little off-topic, but I hate the word 'underpants', too.

Alan:
If I can have your breasts, I promise not to say 'hooters'.

Shirley:
Thank you, Alan.

Alan:
Now, as for underpants, if you promise not to wear an...

Shirley:
[interrupting] Goodbye, Alan.

Denny:
Daniel!

Daniel:
Denny!

Denny:
Lookin' good.

Daniel:
Thank you. You wanna come to my funeral?

Denny:
Oh, funerals are sad.

Daniel:
Well, this one'll be fun.

Denny:
Count me in!

Daniel:
Tomorrow night.

Denny:
No can do, busy... Rain check?

Daniel:
[pauses] ...Absolutely.

Denny:
[nods to Denise] He's a keeper! [walks off]

Daniel:
Denny's great.

Denise:
Yep.

Daniel:
He doesn't hear a thing anyone says, does he?

Denise:
Nope.

Garrett:
This is my office.

Catherine:
Oh, I needed a base of operations for my sandwich cart business.

Garrett:
But... I...

Catherine:
You're a first year, right? [Garrett nods yes] Well, it goes like this: named partner, senior partner, junior partner, senior associates, sandwich lady, xerox guy, janitor, first years.

Denny:
I heard there were two hundred women, that's four hundred breasts, and you kept them all to yourself!

Alan:
Oh, look, it's me!

Denny:
I can see that. You were there, in a sea of breasts, and you didn't invite me!

[at a public bare-breasted protest]

Alan:
Oddly, this was one of my fantasies... And the chilly weather is certainly an added bonus.

Alan:
I need your boobs.

Shirley:
OK...but have them home by 11.

Alan:
I suppose coming to a lawyer's office can't be much fun.

Marissa:
Actually, everyone seems friendly here.

Alan:
Well, they're given an unlimited supply of donuts.

Phyliss:
I had a hard time trying to find you. I called Cruthers, Abbott…

Alan:
Oh, I was fired. Embezzlement.

Phyliss:
Then I tried Young, Frutt and Berultti.

Alan:
Oh, yes. That ended badly.

Phyliss:
And here you are at Crane, Poole and Schmidt.

Alan:
For now.

Phyliss:
I need your help. You always said I could come to you for anything.

Alan:
I meant sexually.

Denny Crane:
Brad's the best. I just made him partner.

Bev:
Denny, I want reassurance.

Denny Crane:
The man served in the Gulf War. The one that turned out okay. He was top of his class at West Point and Harvard Law School. I'd put my own life in his hands.

Shirley:
Denise, I understand you're going through some difficulties in your personal life.

Denise:
It's hard, but I'll get through it.

Shirley:
From what I know about you, when things get tough you prefer to bury yourself in your work. Allow me to provide you with a shovel.

Denny Crane:
Bev will be happy which makes me happy, which makes you happy. So really, Brad, you're doing this to make you happy.

Alan Shore:
Let me tell you two things about myself. I too am a lawyer, I can be painfully vindictive, and I do not play fair.

Lester Tremont:
That's three things.

Alan Shore:
See? Not playing fair already. And I'm just getting started.

Dr James Tusten:
Catholic hospitals are free to interpret sections of the Ethical and Religious Directive liberally or conservatively. St Mary's takes a very strict application of Catholic teachings. That's why I chose to work there.

Shirley:
I see. Tell me, Dr Tusten, do you have a set schedule at the ER?

Dr James Tusten:
Of course.

Shirley:
But that puts you squarely on the job during the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 states that those who work on the Sabbath should be put to death.

Atty Morrison:
Nevertheless, the court awarded Mr Bridge joint custody of Barry.

Judge Willard Reese:
The cat's name is Barry Manilow?

Alan:
Denny, I refuse to shoot you.

Denny Crane:
You... Democrat! Protesting war and banning guns. If you Nancys had your way, nobody would ever shoot anybody! And then where would we be?

Alan:
Where would we be...

Denny:
I wonder if sometimes I get married just to have someone listen to my stories again.

Alan:
Not a terrible reason.

Denny:
You never talk about your wife. What was she like?

Alan:
She had all the most delectable qualities one could hope for. Creativity, desire, zealotry, a gorgeous clavicle, healthy lack of inhibition.

Denny:
Sounds spectacular. What happened?

Alan:
She began...to know me too well and I began to hate her for it. Even when I was unpredictable, she'd predict it. For those of us who aspire to be original, it's the worst sort of banality. She died. I've missed that banality ever since.

Bev:
Denny? I love you. But, I love Hawaii more.

Denny:
Well, you'll be the one that got away from Denny Crane. That makes you a large fish in a very small pond.

Denny:
While everyone was whining about Bev, you were actually trying to take her out. I admire that. You have very large testicles, my friend.

Brad:
Well. Thank you Denny, I'm flattered you have that opinion of me.

Denny:
It's not my opinion. I saw you in the shower at the gym. Good God!

Alan:
Congratulations. I saw you were the lucky one who caught Bev's garter.

Paul:
Yes. I'm going for a full battery of tests first thing in the morning.

Paul:
You had sex with another woman and your wife in the three hours you were married?

Denny:
It was my special day. I had taken my little blue pill.

Shirley:
There is no cure for cancer, but we've got three pills for that.

Shirley:
White roses, gold leaf cake, Bev's boobs swimming out of her wedding dress.

Brad:
Who said money can't buy tastelessness?

Alan:
I think Bev and Denny did a lovely job.

Paul:
11 marriages between the two of them. They've had plenty of practice.

Alan:
…You're not losing an Alan, you're gaining a Bev, the girl of your recent dreams.

Denny:
Alan, you're my best friend. If you want, you can dream about her, too.

Alan:
Denny, you're generous to a fault.

Denny Crane:
Ahhh. I wish you and I were getting married. That's you and I. Both of us. To others. I'm not gay.

Alan:
I heard you the first Freudian slip.

Alan:
Why'd he fire you?

Joan Zeder:
Well, one day, six weeks ago, he brings us all in for a staff meeting. And he says, “Due to the spiraling costs of health care insurance, all smokers have exactly six weeks to quit. At which point I'll test their system for nicotine and if you fail the urine test, then you'll be terminated.” Fired! Friggin' health Nazi. You know, I got rent to pay. And of course, I tried to quit. You know, I wanted to! I did the patch and I did that little nicotine sucky thing, you know, but the more I imagined losing my job the more I panicked. And the more I panicked, the more I smoked. Now I'm up to three packs a day. And today was the day, he made me pee in a cup and then he fired me!

Alan:
Well, unless that's some kind of sex game with your lover, I find it appalling and we won't let him do it.

Denny Crane:
Brad. Mr Granger chuckles. There'll be no divorce.

Eli Granger:
I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane:
Bev and I had an agreement. When we first got together she told me that I could sleep with whomever I wanted. Delmonico's Restaurant. January 14th. Happiest night of my life. So I had sex with another woman. Or a Navy Burberry. Not sure which. But the point is, she granted me the right to tomcat and I exercised that right. No divorce.

Alan:
I have a similar bit of wisdom I like to share. We can do this my way or another way that will have you writing a very large check and crying like a baby.

Paul:
Doing nothing is what I'll regret most. I have devoted my life to keeping this firm an outstanding institution. Now, in the twilight of my career, this, this mess could destroy my reputation. All because Denny cannot control his aged groin.

Denny Crane:
Thank you, Brad, for telling me that. It couldn't have been easy. You're fired.

Brad Chase:
What?

Denny Crane:
Name on the door. See ya.

[Brad walks out and runs into Shirley]

Brad Chase:
He fired me. I'm a partner! He fired me.

Shirley:
Brad. The review committee will take care of this. He can't just fire you without consulting the partners!

Brad Chase:
Of course he can. He's Denny Crane. His name's on the door. If he wants me gone, I'm gone.

Denny Crane:
That may be, but still...

Shirley:
So help me, if you say “It's still your name on the door”, I will shoot you with one of your own guns.

Denny Crane:
Won't change the door...

Shirley:
Denny. You cheated on your wife at your own wedding reception in what has become some sort of cloakroom fetish-that is a new low, even for you.

Denny Crane:
Yeah. It is, isn't it?

Alan Shore:
Mr Lumis, how do you feel about fat people? Because according to the Surgeon General three hundred thousand Americans die every year from obesity-related illnesses.

Kurt Lumis:
Other businesses are firing people for that. I haven't done it yet.

Alan Shore:
So you're thinking about it?

Kurt Lumis:
I'm always thinking.

Alan Shore:
Anyone can see that. How about alcohol consumption? People who have more than fifteen drinks a week are at risk of becoming alcoholics and alcoholism can cause cirrhosis of the liver, pancreatitis, increased incidents of cancer. Wouldn't it be a good idea to monitor your employee's alcohol intake?

Kurt Lumis:
Maybe I should.

Alan Shore:
What about coffee? Caffeine temporarily raises your blood pressure. Trans-fatty acids! And stress! Both of these things could cause heart attacks. That would certainly raise your premiums sky high. It's been proven arguing thirty minutes a day lowers your immune system. As does loneliness, there go your married employees and your single ones! You're going to have to watch these people all the time, Mr Lumis. I hope you're multitasked.

Kurt Lumis:
Mr Shore, I think you're exaggerating.

Alan Shore:
No. I'm just welcoming us all to 1984-the bus arrived a little late, and our tour guide George Orwell is good and dead. But nonetheless, we made it. And big brother Lumis is watching us.

Denny Crane:
Well. Are the rumors true? You have naked photos of Shirley? Awww, come on! What's the big deal? I've had naked photos of Shirley for years. [pulls out a stack of pictures to show Alan]

Alan:
Denny? She's asleep in all of these.

Denny Crane:
[Denny hands him another photo] Here's one where she woke up. Have you ever seen a beautiful naked woman look that angry?

Denny Crane:
It's no use, Alan. Nothing interests me anymore.

Reporter on TV:
Construction worker Russell Blayney arrested for attempted murder for setting a bobby trap in his home to catch burglars. Miguel Quinones allegedly broke into Blayney's house and received a reported fifty thousand volts of electricity through his body, paralyzing him from the waist down. And leaving us all with the question: Russell Blayney: Victim or Vigilante?

Denny Crane:
That case! I want that case.

Denny Crane:
So? Who would you rather have as your attorney? Me? Or Hacky McGuilty Verdict here?

Warren Peter:
I've faced him before. You'd rather have him.

Denny Crane:
Don't feel bad, son. It takes a big man to recognize a bigger man.

Denny Crane:
Don't like that kind of thinking. Defense of self. You gotta strike first. Pre-empt 'em. What they say in the news? Victim or vigilante? It's neither. This is Russell Blayney, hero!

'Denise:
You wanna try this case in the press?

Denny Crane:
Exactly. I wanna grab the public's attention. The story. Character. Narrative. We have to create our own reality. You! Young punk. You must know computers. Set up a website, one of those blobs. Justice for Russell Blayney! And you, Denise, you'll be my second. You look good on camera.

Denny Crane:
Ah, Denise. Rodney King?

Denise:
Rodney King. Uh, severely beaten by the police over ten years ago.

Denny Crane:
See? You remember. Why? Branding! They didn't call him Rodney King: wifebeater, alcohol abuser, who swung a tire iron at a convenience store clerk. They called him Rodney King: a motorist, a motorist: Rodney King. Brings to mind images of a jaunty man riding hat in cap in a Model-T. That's what we want. Russell Blayney: American Homeowner. Not Russell Blayney: eats them broiled, baked or fried.

Agent Joseph Reynolds:
This woman is under arrest for evasion of Federal income taxes.

[Alan stares at Melissa]

Melissa:
Ooopsie.

Judge Sanders:
Ten A.M. tomorrow. And I would ask Counsel to check his sense of humor at the door. My courtroom is a temple of decorum. And I do not tolerate jibber-jabber.

Shirley:
You slept with him!

Denise:
Did not!

Shirley:
You slept with him!

Denise:
Did not!

Shirley:
You slept with him!

Denise:
Well, maybe a little bit.

Alan:
You know what I miss most about our country, Denny? Not the loss of our civil rights so much as our compassion, our soul, our humanity.

Denny Crane:
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Soul, that's a religious thing. State... church... it's unconstitutional for the United States to have a soul.

Alan:
Apparently. We seem to be becoming a mean people. Learned Hand once said, "Liberty lies in our hearts, and once it dies there, no constitution can save it."

Denny Crane:
Just once, I wish you'd quote a Republican.

Alan Shore:
"I want a kinder and gentler nation."

Denny:
So whose ass did you have kicked?

Alan:
Someone whose ass thoroughly deserved it.

Denny:
Good! I can never understand why people don't use violence more often to solve their problems. Works every time.

Denny:
I'm going to take you to my spa. I'm going to empty your bucket.

Brad:
Okay. We're required to turn this over to Ms. Beller and, per the rules of discovery, we'll provide it with the other one hundred thousand pages of documents that pertain to their production request.

Chris Mott:
So you're going to bury it.

Brad:
No, that would be unethical. We'll simply comply… fully.

Alan:
Your Honor, I refer you to plaintiff's exhibit number apple.

Eric:
I beg your pardon?

Alan:
Apple trash can is picked from God.

Eric:
Huh?

Judge Willard:
Mr Shore!

Alan:
Not the years sixty when classic electrons are free.

Eric:
Objection! I think.

Judge Willard:
Mr Shore, you have a notorious history of courtroom theatrics. If your aim is to force a mistrial, you will be disappointed.

Alan:
[emphatically] Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't sailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then looks up at everyone and feigns nonchalance] What?

Alan:
There's a reason Shakespeare and many after him said 'First kill all the lawyers.' They're talking about people like me, Jerry, not you.

Denny:
Alan you know the one thing we sometimes forget is no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices were, how complex your ethical decisions...you always get to choose what you want for lunch.

Alan:
Daily I am amazed at your inexhaustable ability to just live.

Denny:
It's either that or die.

Denny:
I hear you misplaced a client.

Alan:
Not really. Like car keys and sunglasses, he'll show up somewhere.

Denny:
I misplaced a client once.

Alan:
Did they ever find him?

Denny:
No, I made sure to ship him off to some country with no extradition. Practically a deserted island off the coast of South America. He sends me Feliz Cumpleanos cards every year.

Alan:
That's thoughtful. Sounds like paradise actually. Living on an island. A much simpler life.

Denny:
Especially if it's an island where the natives run around the beach with their boobies hanging out.

Denny:
Does that mean you're back on the market?

Shirley:
Denny, as far you're concerned I'm always on the market.

Denny:
We know we don't deserve Shirley Schmidt. Just the possibility is enough to sustain us.

Shirley:
You are a dear, sweet man. And I have something else that might sustain you. [whispers into his ear] Denny Crane.

Alan:
There's no doubt in my mind that you could develop into a first rate criminal defender, Jerry. But my hope is that you don't. Even at your relatively mature age you're still innocent.

Jerry:
Except when I held a knife to Shirley's throat.

Ivan:
So basically if I screw around she gets my life.

Shirley:
Not your whole life, just the parts you love.

Brad:
[to Denise] So let me ask you this: in Italian does the word 'vagina' mean something else?

Ivan:
I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.

Shirley:
Missy came to my office today.

Ivan:
Aw. So just the wine and cheese.

ADA Kupfer:
You know if the US really wanted to torture detainees, they'd sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.

Alan:
You have no idea.

Dr. Field:
I didn't shoot before Denny, but I will this time. I really will.

Denny:
Sydney, I took you out once. Don't make me do it again.

Dr. Field:
With what?

Denny:
This! [takes out his gun and fires]

Alan:
You said you'd never so much as look at a gun again.

Denny:
I never said I wouldn't shoot one.

Judge Sanders:
I've had enough of all this! Mr. Crane, you had no excuse to be carrying a gun.

Denny:
(To Judge Sanders) Second Amendment! Founding Fathers! You probably knew them.

Judge Sanders:
Jibber Jabber!

Judge Sanders:
What is this jibber jabber?

Alan:
That wouldn't be jibber jabber, Your Honor, that's a gun.

Denny:
Canada, Japan, England. Any number of those pinko countries, I'd be in jail for shooting somebody.

Alan:
God bless America.

Brad:
I was wondering if I could join you and Denny on the balcony sometime. Just trying to diversify my life with some male bonding and I was wondering...you know.

Alan:
Brad, any gathering of three or more men always seems like a team to me, and I've never been much of a team player, so if you're going to show count me out. [pauses] Was there something specific you'd like to talk about?

Brad:
Are you a good kisser?

Judge Robert Sanders:
I've had enough of all this. Mr. Crane, you've had no excuse to be carrying a gun.

Denny:
2nd Amendment. Founding Fathers. You probably knew them.

Melissa:
Don't fall for her, Alan. She's just a guest star.

Chelina:
God, the last time I saw you...

Alan:
I believe it was a Sunday. Then I was taken off the air, you went off to do movies, I got switched to Tuesdays and...

Chelina:
Here we are...with old footage.

Judge Sanders:
(to Alan) I think I have enough probable cause, Mr. Shoup. The victim is in the hospital.

Alan:
Actually, your honor, since our last get together, I've changed my name from Shoup to Shore. I figured since it's on my birth certificate and driver's license, not to mention the pleadings before you, though I never expect you to read the pleadings because of their (with Judge Sanders) Jibber Jabber.

Vivian:
Did you see the calorie count? Were you able to perform basic math?

Phil:
I was addicted, Thin Mint!

Shirley:
All right...

Vivian:
Let the record reflect that he called me FOOD - a cookie, no less.

Judge Sanders:
Mr. Shore! The court instructed you not to poop!

A.D.A. Kupfer:
Mr. Shore, I hope one day to speak at your funeral.

Denny:
Are we setting a bad example? I shoot people.

Alan:
I bribe them.

Denny:
We drink.

Alan:
We smoke.

Denny:
I'm unfaithful.

Alan:
Not to me.

Denny:
Never to you.

Alan:
We're not setting examples. We're just being true to who we are.

Denny:
Who are we?

Alan:
Denny Crane.

Denny:
Alan Shore.

Alan:
Leaders of men.

Denny:
With bull's eyes on our asses.

[Talking about Alan at the hearing]

Denny:
Yes your honor, he gets me off, I get him off.

Alan:
We're flamingos.

Denny:
Don't ask, don't tell.

Denny:
(To Alan) I don't think I've ever seen you this nervous, except for night terrors, clowns and word salad.

Denny:
(Closing Argument) Who the hell are we kidding? Defense Attorneys make their living helping their clients get away with murder. We put rapists back on the streets knowing they're gonna rape again. Let's not pretend that we don't aid and abet crime. But the key is: Make sure we cover our asses. Defense attorneys do that better than anybody. Now, Alan Shore covered his. He knew he couldn't legally advise Mr. Mkeba to run, and he expressly told him he couldn't give him such advice. Did Mr. Mkeba get the message anyway? Sure, but technically, Alan Shore didn't break the law. Ass covered, over and out. Not guilty, simple as that. Oh, and here's another thing about asses: (Turns to District Attorney Kupfer) Not you, we'll get to you in a second. If you have a lot of success against the D.A.'s office, and Alan Shore's had a lot. Especially against this putz, beats him every time.

Kupfer:
Objection.

Judge Sanders:
Sustained. Mr. Crane.

Denny:
I'm sorry, Your Honor. Too much success, and eventually, you get a giant bullseye painted on your bottom. (Pulls down pants, revealing bullseye painted on his boxers)

Kupfer:
Objection!

Judge Sanders:
Sustained! Mr. Crane!

Denny:
I'm just trying to make a point, your honor. (To jury) Alan Shore, was the target. He has a bigger bullseye on his ass than I have on mine. And this man, Douglas Kupfer, is aiming for it! He said he wanted to stab him. That's subtle. There's a vendetta. He wants my client, anyway he can get him, and that's the only reason we're here. Reasonable doubt? You all know that. Last name Crane. First name Denny. Not Guilty! Over and out.

Judge Sanders:
Silence! Mr. Shore, you are the defendent! I don't want to hear another poop out of you! How do you plea?

Alan:
Not guilty by reason of the District Attorney's insanity.

Judge Sanders:
Alright, we'll set-That's not a real plea!

Alan:
Not guilty then.

Dr Harati Waibi:
Even though it's legal in Nepal, our clinic made the decision not to in order to receive US funding. However, we hung up a poster that said, “We Believe That A Woman Has A Right To Control Her Own Body.”

Denny Crane:
Objection - misleading. Women can't control their bodies. They're either menstruating or lactating.

Denny Crane:
This is completely disrespectful. You don't come home to papa by suing his government.

Donny Crane:
Someone has to, Dad. Our policy is denying thousands of people life-saving medical care, based on the personal religious views of our leader. Nothing says democracy like imperialism.

Denny Crane:
Why can't you for once come to town and we just toss the pigskin? That's American.

Derek Roth:
Now, anytime someone tries to Google my name or my company, Roth's Plumbing Supplies, instead of finding my website, yours is the first site that comes up. My sales have dropped forty percent since that posting!

Denny Crane:
Alright. What are we doing in Mexico?

Paul Schwimmer:
That's where President Reagan first enacted the policy in 1984. He enacted it as a reaction to forced abortions in China as a means of population control.

Denny Crane:
Chinese, Mexican… [to jury] Who's getting hungry?

Donny Crane:
So don't you find it curious that in our Administration's quest to stop abortion, we're actually restricting free speech which is a hallmark of democracy?

Denny Crane:
Objection. Irrelevant and unpatriotic.

Derek Roth:
And she said I have no sense of humor. I make jokes all the time.

Atty John Lenox:
Those aren't jokes. They're puns and puns aren't funny.

Derek Roth:
Well, that's just your o-opunion.

Denise Bauer:
Oh, good Lord.

Alan:
It's spring...I'm in heat.

Denny:
Shirley, this is a sweeps episode.

Shirley:
I'm not kissing you.

Alan:
To next season, my friend.

Denny:
Same night?

Alan:
God, I hope.

Daniel:
[Discussing his cancer treatment with Denise] You wouldn't have wanted to see me. I was at least 7% less cute.

Alan:
There used to be a day when the pandering in our society was reserved for…

Denny:
Politicians?

Alan:
[laughs] Maybe that's what bothers me. Hollywood has sunk to the level of Congress.

Alan:
To more travels, Denny.

Denny:
To the mountains…

Alan:
Prairies…

Denny:
Whores…

Alan:
America the beautiful.

Courtney:
Mr Crane? I need you to stop staring at me like that.

Denny Crane:
Of course. Marry me.

Courtney:
I beg your pardon?

Denny Crane:
Your fifteen minutes are almost up. Mine has lasted a lifetime. [to Barry] Tell her.

Barry:
Marry him.