Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 4

Buffy:
[about college] It's nice that you're excited.

Willow:
It's just that in High School, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon, you really had to work to learn anything. But here... the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force. This penetrating force.. and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know, and letting this place just thrust into and spurt knowledge into... [considers what she's saying] That sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.

Willow:
[spots Oz] Ooh, boyfriend! It's my on campus boyfriend!

Buffy:
Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up, the line's probably really long now too.

Eddie:
Of Human Bondage, have you ever read it?

Buffy:
Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back.

Buffy:
You saw the Grand Canyon?

Xander:
Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon, on cable. Really lame.

Buffy:
Huh?

Xander:
Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car, and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous "Ladies Night" club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. Nobody really bothered me, or even spoke to me, until one night, when one of the male strippers called in sick, and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say, I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything is exactly as it was, except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?

Buffy:
Male strippers?

Xander:
No power on this earth!

Xander:
Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable, but you can't let it control you. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger. - No, wait, hold on. - Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. - Hold on, no. Ahm... First you get the women, then you get the money, then you... - OK, can we forget that?

Buffy:
Thanks for Dadaist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.

Xander:
The point is, you're Buffy.

Buffy:
Yeah. Maybe in high school I was Buffy.

Xander:
And now in college you're Betty Louise?

Buffy:
Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. I might as well be.

Xander:
[...] Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone, and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think "What would Buffy do?" You're my hero. OK, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think "What is Buffy wearing?"

Willow:
And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over.

Buffy:
No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like 'mini-mom of Momdonia.'

Buffy:
You guys can do the brain thing, I'm gonna go to class.

Oz:
Which could also be construed as the 'brain thing'.

Buffy:
Not when you're minoring in Nap 101.

Buffy:
... so then Kathy's like, "It's share time." And I'm like, "Oh yeah? Share this!"

[She punches the air.]

Oz:
So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.

Buffy:
Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?

Oz:
Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.

Buffy:
[about Kathy] You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer!

[She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.]

Buffy:
She's... other really bad things.

Oz:
On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.

Willow:
[on the phone with Rupert Giles] Giles, I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. [pause] No, not bitchy crazy, more like... homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, OK?

Anya:
I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.

Xander:
Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at the Wal-Mart, I've had that same one.

Buffy:
What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?

Spike:
Maybe I dumped her!

Harmony:
She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about most days.

Spike:
Harm!

Anya:
I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.

Xander:
And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.

Oz:
[Looking through Giles's albums] Ok, either I'm borrowing all your albums or I'm moving in.

Giles:
Oz, there are more important things than records right now.

Oz:
[Holds up Loaded by The Velvet Underground] More important than this one?

Giles:
Well, I suppose an argument could be made for--

Xander:
Whoa! Giles has a TV! Everybody... Giles has a TV, he's shallow like us!

Harmony:
Is Antonio Banderas a vampire?

Spike:
No.

Harmony:
Can I make him a vampire?

Spike:
No. [Beat] Wait, on second thought, yeah. Go do that. Take your time. Do Melanie and the kids as well.

Anya:
You haven't called. Not once!

Xander:
You said you were over me.

Anya:
And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.

Xander:
Well, that's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.

Anya:
That's stupid.

Xander:
I accept that.

Willow:
[about her costume] I'm Joan of Arc. I figured we had a lot in common, seeing as how I was almost burned at the stake, plus she has that close relationship with God.

Xander:
[to Oz] And you are?

[Oz opens his jacket and reveals a name tag that says "God."]

Xander:
Of course. I wish I'd thought of that before I put down my deposit. I could've been God.

Oz:
Blasphemer.

Giles:
[reading from the book] "The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar..."

[Buffy promptly stamps into the floor, destroying the Mark on the floor and tearing up the boards; she looks very self-satisfied]

Giles:
[greatly irritated] "...is not one of them, and will, in fact, immediately bring forth the fear demon itself!"

[The demon Gachnar slowly emerges from the pentacle in the floor... and is revealed to be just six inches tall.]

Buffy:
This is Gachnar?

Xander:
[looks down mockingly at Gachnar] Big overture, little show.

Gachnar:
[in a squeaky voice]: I am the Dark Lord of Nightmares! The Bringer of Terror! Tremble before me! Fear me!

Willow:
He... he's so cute!

Gachnar:
Tremble!

[Xander pokes a finger at the tiny demon, speaking to it as if to a puppy.]

Xander:
Who's a little fear demon? Come on! Who's a little fear demon?

Giles:
Don't taunt the fear demon.

Xander:
Why, can he hurt me?

Giles:
No, it's just... tacky.

[After defeating Gachnar, Giles looks back at the small image of him in the book]

Giles:
Bloody hell, the inscription!

Buffy:
What?

Giles:
I should've translated the Gaelic inscription beneath the picture.

Buffy:
What does it say?

Giles:
... Actual size.

Willow:
Aren't you too young to be a bartender?

Xander:
Au contraire, mon frere.

Buffy:
Mon frere means brother.

Xander:
Mon girl-frere. Behold! [holds up a fake ID]

Willow:
I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.

Xander:
What gives it away?

Willow:
Looking at it.

Willow:
Buffy that is my best friend you need to think about not Parker. He's no good. There are men, better men, wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.

Xander:
Nothing can defeat the penis! [looks around] Too loud, very unseemly.

Oz:
Hey, you got a table.

Willow:
I had to kill a man.

Oz:
Well it's a really good table.

Giles:
I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.

Xander:
I didn't know it was evil.

Giles:
You knew it was beer!

Xander:
Well, excuse me, Mr. I-spent-the-sixties-in-an-electric-Kool-Aid-funky-Satan-groove!

Giles:
It was the early seventies, and you should know better.

Xander:
And was there a lesson in all this? huh? What did we learn about beer?

Buffy:
Foamy.

Xander:
Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyways I think the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This'll give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!

Willow:
The Bronze is more fun this year, isn't it?

Buffy:
'Cause of the gloating factor alone, you know? We're all about college, now. We've got heady discourse.

Oz:
Yeah, curfew-free nights of mom and pop-less hootenanny.

Xander:
Co-ed dating prospects who find townies sexy and dangerous. What? I can dream.

Buffy:
Right. So if college is so great, what are we doing here and why is it more fun?

Willow:
Because the Bronze is nice and familiar. It's like a big comfy blankie.

Oz:
Will, I was under the impression that I was your big comfy blankie.

Willow:
Aw, you're my person blankie. This is my place blankie.

Willow:
How come you didn't tell me I look like a crazy birthday cake in this shirt?

Buffy:
I thought that was the point.

Oz:
You don't wanna find out what I am.

Veruca:
You're an animal... Animals kill.

Oz:
You're right. We kill.

Willow:
Oz, don't you love me?

Oz:
My whole life, I've never loved anything else.

Oz:
Veruca was right about something. The wolf is inside me all the time, and I don't know where that line is anymore between me and it. And until I figure out what that means, I shouldn't be around you... Or anybody.

Willow:
Well, that could be a problem 'cause people... Kind of a planetary epidemic.

Buffy:
You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some.

Professor Walsh:
It's not my job to coddle my students.

Buffy:
You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [exits]

Professor Walsh:
I like her.

Willow:
OK, say that I help and you start a conversation. It goes great. You like Buffy, she likes you. You spend time together, feelings grow deeper and one day, without even realizing it, you find you're in love. Time stops and it feels like the whole world's made for you two and you two alone, until the day one of you leaves and rips the still-beating heart from the other, who's now a broken, hollow mockery of the human condition.

Riley:
[taken aback] Yep, that's the plan.

Willow:
I figured it was.

[Willow is trying to help Riley get together with Buffy]

Willow:
Talk, funny is good but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!

[Spike, having tricked Willow into inviting him into her dorm room, prepares to attack her.]

Spike:
I'll give you a choice. Now I'm going to kill you - no choice in that. But I can let you stay dead... or bring you back, to be like me.

Willow [frightened]:
I'll scream!

Spike:
Bonus. [moves toward Willow's neck]

...

[A short time later, Spike sits on Willow's bed, confused and disconsolate. Willow still cowers from him.]

Spike:
I don't understand. This sort of thing's never happened to me b-before.

Willow:
Maybe you were nervous.

Spike:
I felt all right when I started. Let's try again. [he leaps on her and draws back in pain] Ow! Oh! {he tries again] Ow! Damn it!

Willow:
Maybe you're trying too hard. Doesn't this happen to every vampire?

Spike:
Not to me it doesn't.

Willow:
It's me, isn't it?

Spike:
What are you talking about?

Willow:
Well, you came looking for Buffy, then settled. You didn't wanna bite me. I just happened to be around.

Spike:
Piffle.

Willow:
I know I'm not the kind of girl vamps like to sink their teeth into. It's always like, "Oooh, you're like a sister to me," or, "Oh, you're such a good friend."

Spike:
Don't be ridiculous. I'd bite you in a heartbeat.

Willow:
Really?

Spike:
Thought about it.

Willow:
When?

Spike:
Remember last year, you had on that, uh, fuzzy pink number with the lilac underneath?

Willow:
I never would've guessed. You played the blood-lust kinda cool.

Spike:
Mmm. I hate being obvious. All fangy and "rrr!" Takes the mystery out.

Willow:
But if you could...

Spike:
If I could, yeah.

[beat]

Willow:
You know, this doesn't make you any less terrifying.

Spike:
Don't patronize me. [desperate and embarrassed]: I'm only 126!

Willow:
You're being too hard on yourself. Why don't we wait a half an hour and try again? Or...

[Willow grabs a lamp, smashes it over Spike's head and tries to flee the room.]

Xander:
Well, how about this: we whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem; we show up and and kick its ass.

Giles [pauses to contemplate]:
A wee bit unethical.

Willow:
Thanksgiving isn't a-about blending of two cultures. It's about one culture wiping out another! A-and then they make animated specials about the part where... w-with the maize and th-the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where... where all the bison die, a-and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!

Buffy:
Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?

Buffy:
With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.

Anya:
Well, I think that's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.

Buffy:
It's not really a one of those.

Anya:
To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice... with pie.

Anya:
I inflicted a lot of putrefying diseases on men when I was an avenging demon, you look like you're getting all of them.

Xander:
Okay, I'll stay. But you should go, you could catch it.

Anya:
We'll die together. It's romantic... Help me get your trousers off.

Xander:
You're a strange girlfriend.

Anya:
I'm a girlfriend?

Xander:
Oh, there's a chance I'm delirious.

Anya:
Ah, yes. Well, whatever it is that's making you sick, so far I like it.

Spike:
Oh, someone put a stake in me!

Xander:
You gotta lot of volunteers in here.

Spike:
I just can't take all this namby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody Indians.

Willow:
Uh, the preferred term is-

Spike:
You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. That's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world is not people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story.

Buffy:
Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of-- Not that I don't like Spaniards.

Spike:
Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude?

Willow:
We don't wanna fight anyone.

Buffy:
I just wanna have Thanksgiving.

Spike:
Heh. Yeah...Good luck.

Willow:
If we could talk to him--

Spike:
You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick.

Xander:
Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... some of that made sense.

Giles:
I made a lot of these points earlier, but fine, no one listens to me.

Willow:
I'll never get used to this. One day, she's at the friendship ceremony. The next day, she's on the news. The coroner's office said she was missing an ear. So I'm thinking, maybe we're looking for a witch. There's some great spells that work much better with an ear in the mix.

Buffy:
That's one fun little hobby you've got there, Will.

Willow:
Or... or maybe an ear-harvesting demon that--it's, like, building another demon completely out of ears. Or... ooh! Thought. We're just assuming someone else cut off the ear. What if it was self-inflicted, like Van Gogh?

Buffy:
So... she brutally stabs herself, dumped the body, then cut off her own ear?

Willow:
No. She cut off her ear, then killed herself, then dumped the body--I'm really off my game, aren't I?

Buffy:
Seeing Angel in LA, even for five minutes… hello to the pain.

Willow:
The pain is not a friend.

Buffy:
But I can't help thinking, isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting. (Stakes a vampire) I wonder where I get that from?

Giles:
Look, Spike - we have no intention of killing a harmless... uh, creature... we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure that you're... impotent...

Spike:
Hey!

Giles:
Sorry, poor choice of words. Until we're sure you're, you're...

Buffy:
Flaccid?

Spike:
You are one step away, missy -

Buffy:
[sarcastically] Giles, help! He's going to scold me.

...

Buffy:
Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away.

Giles:
Oh, please.

Spike:
Giles, make her stop.

Giles:
[walks away] If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand.

Spike:
Passions is on! Timmy's down a bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll -

Giles:
Do what? Lick me to death?

Buffy:
Spike and I are getting married!

Xander:
How? What? How?

Giles:
Three excellent questions.

Spike:
[to Buffy] What are you looking at?

Buffy:
The man I love.

[She and Spike kiss, long and salaciously. Xander and Anya avert their eyes.]

Xander:
Can I be blind too?

Spike:
Don't I get a cookie?

Buffy:
No.

Spike:
Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.

Buffy:
You're a pig, Spike.

Spike:
Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted Wind Beneath My Wings for the first dance.

[Xander, Anya and Giles turn and stare incredulously at Buffy.]

Buffy:
[embarrassed] ... That was the spell!

Willow:
Man, that was an exciting class, huh?

Buffy:
Oh, yeah - wow.

Willow:
And the last twenty minutes - it was a revelation. Just laid out everything we need to know for the final. I'd hate to have missed that.

Buffy:
Just tell me I didn't snore.

Willow:
Very discreet. Minimal drool.

[At Giles's apartment, Xander and Anya are arguing about their relationship.]

Xander:
If you don't know how I feel about -

Anya:
I don't. This isn't a relationship! You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.

[The others are silent with disbelief.]

Xander:
OK... remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private when they're in front of my friends?

Spike:
Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.

Giles:
Please don't.

[Xander ties Spike to a chair before getting into bed.]

Spike:
Don't see why I have to be tied up.

Xander:
It's just while I'm sleeping.

Spike:
Like I'd bite you, anyway.

Xander:
Oh, you would.

Spike:
Not bloody likely.

Xander:
I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.

Spike:
Alright, yeah, fine. You're a nummy treat.

Xander:
And don't you forget it.

[Discussing Willow's wicca group]

Buffy:
So not stellar, huh?

Willow:
Talk. All talk. Blah blah Gaia, blah blah moon, menstrual life-force power thingy. You know after a couple of sessions I was hoping we would get into something real but...

Buffy:
No actual witches in your witch group.

Willow:
No, bunch of wanna-blessed-bes. Nowadays every girl with a henna tattoo and a spice rack thinks she's a sister to the dark ones.

Giles:
I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.

Spike:
Yeah, well sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.

Giles:
Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.

Spike:
Sissy.

Xander:
I have to get to work

Spike:
Yeah, delivering melted cheese on bread. Doing your part to keep America constipated.

[The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]

Willow:
Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.

Xander:
It's kind of like the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?

Buffy:
I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like...

Giles:
It's the end of the world.

Buffy, Willow, Xander:
Again?

Giles:
It's, ah, the earthquake... that symbol... yes.

Buffy:
I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!

Giles:
I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.

Xander:
Besides, look on the bright side. If we don't come up with a solution, we might face an apocalypse.

Spike:
[extremely happy] Really? You're not just saying that?

Spike:
[To Xander] Kids your age are heading off to University. You've made it as far as the basement. And Red here couldn't even keep Dog Boy happy. You can take the loser out of high school, but...

Willow:
I see what you're doing. You're trying to get us to dust you.

Spike:
I'm not. I just don't want pity from geeks more useless than I am.

Buffy:
"I wonder where I've seen this before" - Where else? The place I spend most of my waking hours memorizing stuff off the sides of mausoleums. Big freaky cereal boxes of death.

Maggie Walsh:
So, the Slayer!

Buffy:
Yeah. That's me.

Maggie Walsh:
We thought you were a myth.

Buffy:
Well, you were myth-taken

Maggie Walsh:
It's only our methods that differ; we use the latest in scientific technology and state of the art weaponry and you, if I understand correctly, poke them with a sharp stick.

Buffy:
Er, its more effective then it sounds-

Maggie Walsh:
Oh, I'm - quite sure of that. As I'm just as sure that we can learn much from each other. I'm working on getting you clearance into the Initiative, I think you'll find the results of our operation most impressive. Agent Finn here alone has killed and captured... How many is it?

Riley:
Seventeen: eleven vampires, six demons.

Buffy:
Oh... wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.

Maggie Walsh:
What about you?

Buffy:
Me?

Maggie Walsh:
How many Hostiles would you say you've slain?

[Buffy uncomfortably searches for the right words]

Riley:
But you killed the- You did that thing with that- Uh, you drowned. And the snake! Not to mention... daily... slayage of... Wow.

Buffy:
It's no big, really. Hey, who wants ice cream?

Riley:
Buffy. When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. Turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of "apocalypse".

Buffy:
[Light-heartedly] Look, if you were fighting since you were fifteen, you'd have a hefty resume too!

Riley:
Fifteen?!

[Spike is in the process of moving out of Xander's basement.]

Xander:
You own nothing. This shouldn't be taking so long.

Spike:
Hang on. Let a fella get organized. [picks up radio.]

Xander:
That's my radio!

Spike:
And you're what? Shocked and disappointed? I'm evil!

Giles:
Spike. Wonderful. A perfect end to a perfect day.

Spike:
Giles?

Giles:
Go on, then. Let's get on with the fighting -- You understand me?

Spike:
Of course I understand you.

Giles:
I'm speaking English?

Spike:
No, you're speaking Fyarl. I happen to speak Fyarl. And... by the way, why the hell are you suddenly a Fyarl demon? You just come over all demony this morning?

Willow:
Guess she's out with Riley. You know how it is with a spanking new boyfriend.

Anya:
[offhandedly while stacking her chips] Yes, we've enjoyed spanking.

[Xander loses control of the deck he was shuffling.]

Buffy:
Will, I think you better get used to- a Twinkie!? That's his lunch? Oh, he is so gonna be punished.

Willow:
[pouty] Everyone's getting spanked but me.

Maggie Walsh:
It took the patrol team 42 minutes to track you and you neutralized them in 28 seconds.

Buffy:
I was just lucky.

Maggie Walsh:
I see. Well...still. Very impressive.

Buffy:
I was just being modest with the whole 'lucky' thing. You got that, right?

Riley:
Regret to report Hostile 17 still at large. I left Beta Team to comb the area but the tracer's...

Maggie Walsh:
[interrupting, with faked sorrow] Riley, something's happened. I-I-I don't know what to say.

Maggie Walsh:
It's-it's-it's about Buffy.

Riley:
Buffy?

Maggie Walsh:
Two of our hostiles broke free and escaped into the tunnels. She went after them on her own. She's dead, Riley.

Riley:
[utterly shocked] What?

Maggie Walsh:
I did everything I could to stop her. I told her to wait for a back-up team. She kept insisting she didn't need any team, she could handle it by herself. I-I'm so, so sorry.

Riley:
[now into shellshock] I don't understand.

Maggie Walsh:
I know what she meant to you.

Riley:
How could this happen?

Maggie Walsh:
She was a very, very special girl.

[Behind Walsh, the com-cam image on the monitors starts to move. Buffy appears in its picture]

Maggie Walsh:
I didn't understand at first. But she had something. I don't know... maybe I could have stopped her.

[Not realizing that Riley is suddenly seeing Buffy on the monitors]

Maggie Walsh:
It's hard not to blame myself.

Buffy:
[speaking through the monitor] Professor Walsh. That simple little recon you sent me on wasn't a raccoon.

[Walsh slowly faces the monitors]

Buffy:
Turns out it was me trapped in the sewers with a faulty weapon and two of your pet demons. If you think that's enough to kill me, you really don't know what a Slayer is. Trust me when I say you're gonna find out.

Buffy:
Sorry, I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.

Xander:
The... ew! I don't wanna see that.

Buffy:
Retinal scan, Xander.

Xander:
Make out with me.

Buffy:
What?

Xander:
As a way to hide. They always do that in movies.

Buffy:
This is the Initiative, Xander. Military people don't make out with science people.

Xander:
Maybe that's what's wrong with the world. You ever think about that?

[Buffy, Willow, and Anya are watching Road Runner in bed in Xander's Basement]

Buffy:
That would never happen.

Willow:
Well no, Buff. That's why they're called cartoons not documentaries.

Buffy:
I'm going to the crime scene to see what I can find out. You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.

[uncomfortable pause]

Buffy:
That probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.

Buffy:
[about Adam] I could barely fight him. It was like Maggie designed him to be the ultimate warrior. He's smart and fast; he gave the commando guys the slip with no problem.

Willow:
There's gotta be a flaw.

Buffy:
I think the part where he's pure evil and kills randomly was an oversight.

Spike:
What do you need?

Xander:
Her. Dark hair, yea tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.

Giles:
Have you seen her?

Spike:
Is this bird after you?

Xander:
In a bad way, yeah.

Spike:
Tell you what I'll do, then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where all of you are, and then watch as she kills you. [sees the surprised looks on Giles and Xanders faces and sighs] Can any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I HATE you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.

Xander:
Go ahead! You wouldn't even recognize her!

Spike:
Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith. Criminally insane. I like this girl already.

Xander:
[to Giles] We're dumb.

Buffy:
I've been looking for you.

Faith:
Been standin' still for eight months, B, how hard you look?

Buffy:
Faith, these are innocent people.

Faith:
No such animal.

Faith:
I kept having this dream; I'm not sure what it means. But in the dream, this self-righteous blonde chick stabs me, and you want to know why?

Buffy:
You had it coming.

Faith:
That's one interpretation, but in my dream she does it for a guy. [Willow starts to sneak up behind Faith and is about to hit her with her backpack] Try it, Red, and you lose an arm. [Willow backs off] I wake up to find that this blonde chick isn't even dating the guy she was so nuts about. I mean, she's moved on to the first college beef stick she meets. And not only has she forgotten about the love of her life, she's forgot about the chick she nearly killed for him. So that's my dream... that and some stuff about cigars and tunnel. But, uh, tell me college girl, what does it mean?

Buffy:
To me? Mostly that you still mouth off about things you don't understand. [Police sirens are heard] Uh oh, I guess somebody knows you're here [Faith hits Buffy]

Joyce:
You don't know the first thing about Buffy. Or me.

Faith:
Don't I? I know what it's like. You think you matter. You think you're a part of something and you get dumped. It's like the whole world is moving but you're stuck. Like those animals in the tar pits. It's like you just keep sinking a little deeper everyday and nobody even sees.

Joyce:
[sounding bored] Were you planning to slit my throat anytime soon?

Faith:
Don't tell me you don't see it, Joyce. You served your purpose. You squirted out the kid, raised her up, and now you might as well be dead! I mean, nobody cares! Nobody remembers! Especially not Buffy-fabulous-super-hero! Sooner or later you're gonna have to face it. She was over us a long time ago, Joyce. [voice rising to a shout] Too busy climbing onto her new boy toy to give a single thought to the people that matter! I mean, you're her mother and she just leaves you here to die!

Buffy:
[Dives in through the window, punches Faith] Hi, Mom!

Joyce:
Hi, honey.

Faith [in Buffy's body, about Faith]:
Well, could be things are looking up. I mean, a little stint in the pokey. Show her the error of her ways. I'm sure there's some big ol' Bertha just waiting to shower her ripe little self with affection.

Joyce:
Buffy.

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] I'm sorry, Mom. It's just, when I think about how she might have hurt you, I just... I can't stand it.

Spike:
You know why I really hate you, Summers?

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I'm a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?

Spike:
Well, yeah. That covers a lot of it.

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] 'Cause I could do anything I want and instead I choose to pout and whine and feel the burden of Slayerness. I mean, I could be rich, I could be famous. I could have anything. Anyone. Even you, Spike. I could ride you at a gallop until your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up. I've got muscles you've never even dreamed of. I could squeeze you until you pop like warm champagne and you'd beg me to hurt you just a little bit more. And you know why I don't? [mockingly] Because it's wrong.

Spike:
I get this chip out, you and me are going to have a confrontation.

[Buffy tries to convince Giles she truly is Buffy, despite being trapped in Faith's body.]

Buffy [in Faith's body]:
Giles, you turned into a demon and I knew it was you. I mean, can't you just look into my eyes and be all intuitive?

Giles:
How did I turn into a demon?

Buffy [in Faith's body]:
Oh! 'cause, uh... Ethan Rayne! And you have a girlfriend named Olivia, and you haven't had a job since we blew up the school - which is valid, lifestyle-wise. I mean, it's not like you're a slacker type, but... Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh-Do you want me to continue?

Giles:
Actually, I beg you to stop.

Buffy [in Faith's body]:
What's a stevedore?

[Faith, in Buffy's body, enters the church where three vampires are holding the parishioners hostage.]

Vampire:
I told the cops, they send anyone in, I start the whole massacre thing.

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] Well, I'm not the cops. I just came to pray.

Vampire:
Now's a good time to start.

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] You're not going to kill these people.

Vampire:
Why not?

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] [earnestly this time] Because it's wrong.

Vampire:
You're the Slayer.

Faith:
[in Buffy's body] The one and only.

Adam:
You fear death. Being immortal, you fear it more than those to whom it comes naturally. Vampires are a paradox.

Boone:
Okay, we're a paradox. That's cool.

Adam:
Demon in a human body. You walk in both worlds and belong to neither. I can relate.

Buffy:
But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's... possible?

Anya:
Sure. Alternate realities. You could, uh, could have, like, a world without shrimp, or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make, like, a freaky world where Jonathan's like some kind of not-perfect mouth-breather, if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there.

Buffy:
I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.

Anya:
Oh, okay. Say you really like shrimp a lot or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp" you'd say to yourself-

Buffy:
Stop! You're saying it wrong. I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.

Anya:
Or prawns.

Buffy:
Stop with the shrimp! I'm trying to do something here.

Buffy:
Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?

Giles:
No... Yes... it was a gift.

Spike:
I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his fluffy battle kitten.

[At Giles' place. Riley pages through a spellbook.]

Riley:
These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins.

Anya:
That one's not so much fun.

Willow:
They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.

Xander:
Right, you can't just go librum incendere and expect --

[The book catches on fire; Xander closes it rapidly.]

Giles:
Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.

[When Buffy and Riley are attacked by a vampire-demon tag-team.]

Buffy:
Okay, you get Fangs, I'll get Horny. I mean...

Xander:
Buffy and Riley are trapped.

Anya:
So? She's a Slayer, he's a big soldier boy. What do they need you for?

Xander:
Anya, look around: there's ghosts and shaking and people are going all Felicity with their hair. We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now, who's with me?

Spike:
I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but... Actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. [walks off.] I wonder if Asian House is open.

[Giles is singing and playing "Behind Blue Eyes" by The Who at an espresso bar. Anya, Willow, Xander and Tara watch from the door, amazed. All three girls are riveted; Willow's and Anya's mouths are hanging open.]

Anya:
Oh.

Willow:
Wow.

Xander:
Um, could we go back to the haunted house? Cause, this is creeping me out.

Tara:
Does he do this a lot?

Xander:
[sarcastic.] Sure. Every day the earth rotates backward and the skies turn orange.

Willow:
Now I remember why I used to have such a crush on him.

Tara:
Well, he is pretty good.

Anya:
His voice is... pleasant.

Xander:
[incredulous.] What?!

Willow:
Oh, come on, he is kinda sexy.

Xander:
I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fueling the fire, please.

Xander:
So with Buffy and Riley having... you know, acts of nakedness 'round the clock lately maybe they set something free, like a big, bursting poltergasm.

Giles:
When you called to Buffy and Riley didn't cry out or respond in any way.

Anya:
No, they're probably dead.

Xander:
Unless they're too busy doing it to answer.

Giles:
Doing what?

Xander:
You know, for a god of acoustic rock you're... kind of naive.

Giles:
I didn't think you meant... In the midst of all that? Do you really think they were keeping it up?

[long awkward pause]

Giles:
Oh, for different phrasing.

Buffy:
Zippo. Patrol has been totally uneventful. My kill count's way down.

Willow:
[to Tara] She means that there's been less bad guy activity.

Giles:
And we know what that often indicates.

Xander:
Buffy doesn't make her quota. Bad Slayer!

Buffy:
Oz isn't a Demon. Something happened to him that wasn't his fault. I never knew you were such a bigot!

Riley:
I'm not. I'm just saying it's a little strange to date someone who tries to eat you once a month!

Willow:
[Speaking of Oz's return] It's complicated...because of Tara.

Buffy:
You mean Tara has a crush on Oz? No... [suddenly realizes Willow is in love with Tara] Oh!!

...

Buffy:
[almost babbling with the shock of Willow's revelation] Well, there you go! I mean, you know, you have to... follow your heart, Will. And that's what's important, Will.

Willow:
Why do you keep saying my name like that?

Buffy:
Like what, Will?

Willow:
Are you freaked?

Buffy:
[overly insistent] What? No, Will! [pauses, then gathers her emotions] No. No, absolutely no to that question. I'm glad you told me.

...

Willow:
I don't want to hurt anyone, Buffy.

Buffy:
No matter what, somebody's going to get hurt. And the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's going to be a lot worse.

Spike:
The thing about the Slayer is she is a whiny little thing, but when it comes to fighting she does have a slight tendency to win.

Willow:
No candles? I brought one. It's... extra flamey. [beat] Tara, I have to tell you...

Tara:
No, I-I understand. You have to be with the person you l-love. [beat]

Willow:
[looks a bit hurt, then smiles] I am.

Tara:
You mean...

Willow:
I mean. [pause] Okay?

Tara:
Oh, yes.

Willow:
I feel horrible about everything I put you through. A-and I'm gonna make it up to you. [smiles] Starting right now.

Tara:
[smiles] Right now?

[Willow nods and smiles]

[Tara blows the candle out]

Giles:
[singing and playing "Free Bird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd] If I leave here tomorrow Would you still remember me? Well I must be traveling on now There's too many places I've got to see And if I stay here with you, girl Things just couldn't be the same 'Cause I'm as free as bird now--

[Giles suddenly shrieks as he realizes Spike is standing in the room.]

Spike:
You know, for someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume', you might want to cast an eye to the front door every now and again.

Willow:
Crack a government encrypted code on my laptop? Easy as really difficult pie.

Spike:
You're not exactly the wiz these days either. God, I'm never going to get paid.

Willow:
I am a wiz.

Tara:
She is a wiz.

Willow:
If ever a wiz there was.

Spike:
[happily] Now that was fun!

Adam:
You were successful?

Spike:
[scoffs] Easier than I'd thought it'd be, too.

Adam:
You're sure?

Spike:
[scoffs] Feel it in my bones. I call it...the Yoko Factor. [off Adam's look] Don't tell me you've never heard of The Beatles?

Adam:
I have. [stands] I like Helter Skelter

Spike:
What a surprise. The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. You know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.

Xander:
You and Willow go do the superpower thing. I'll stay behind and putter around the batcave with crusty old Alfred here.

Giles:
Ah, no. I am no Alfred, sir. No, you forget. Alfred had a job.

[amidst an argument between Buffy, Xander, and Willow]

Xander:
Maybe that all changes when I'm off doin' sit-ups in Fort Dix!

Giles:
Fort Dix? [begins to giggle hysterically]

Buffy:
Are you drunk?

Giles:
[finishes laughing] Yes, quite a bit, actually.

Buffy:
Well, stop it!!

...

Buffy:
You guys, stop this! What happened to you today?!

Willow:
It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while, don't you see that?

Buffy:
[perturbed] What do you mean 'wrong?'

Willow:
Well, things certainly haven't been right since Tara. We have to face it, you can't handle Tara being my girlfriend...

Xander:
No, it was back before that, since you two went off to college and forgot about me. Just left me in the basement to- Tara's your girlfriend?!

Giles:
[from upstairs, still drunk] Bloody hell!

Spike:
[On getting Buffy to go where Adam wants her to] Right. The Initiative. But getting her there, that's what the bleeding discs are for, innit? I mean, the little witch gives her the info, and pop! All sends her back down the rabbit hole.

Adam:
The witch?

Spike:
Ah, Willow. So high, perky, good with maths. Natural choice.

Adam:
Her friend.

Spike:
Right.

Adam:
One of the friends from which you so efficiently separated her.

Spike:
Damn right I did! You should have seen 'em, they won't be talking to each other for a long, long- [pointed stare from Adam] -hang on, I think I might have detected a small flaw.

Adam:
So you failed.

Spike:
Well, hey, you're supposed to be so smart, but you let me plan this thing! [Adam glares] Well, let's not quibble about who failed who, the important thing is making sure the Slayer is where we want-

Adam:
Go.

Spike:
Gone. [Walks to the door] So, um, we'll do this chip thing when I get back?

[Buffy explains Adam's evil plan]

Xander:
Does anyone else miss the Mayor? "I just wanna be a big snake"?

Col. McNamara:
We hit him with continuous taser blasts.

Xander:
Great plan. That's right up there with duck and cover.

Giles:
I do speak Sumerian, it's not that. Only an experienced witch can incant it, and you have to be within striking distance of the subject.

Xander:
See what you get for taking French instead of Sumerian?

Buffy:
What was I thinking?

Xander:
So, no problem, all we need is combo-Buffy. Her with Slayer strength, Giles' multi-lingual know-how and Willow's witchy power. Yeah, don't tell me, I'm just full of helpful suggestions!

Giles:
As a matter of fact you are.

Government Consel:
[about the Initiative] It was an experiment. The Initiative represented the Government's interests in not only controlling the otherworldly menace, but harnessing its power for our own military purposes. The considered opinion of this counsel is that this experiment has failed. Once the prototype took control of the complex, our soldiers suffered a 40% casualty rate. Only through the actions of the deserter and a group of civilian insurrectionists that our losses were not total. I trust the irony of that is not lost on any of us. Maggie Walsh's vision was brilliant, but ultimately unsupportable. The demons cannot be harnessed. The end result cannot be controlled. It is therefore our recommendation that this project be terminated and all records concerning it expunged. Our soldiers'll be debriefed. Standard confidentiality clause. We will monitor the civilians and usual measures prepared should they try to go public. I don't think they will. The Initiative itself will be filled in with concrete. Burn it down, gentlemen. Burn it down, and salt the Earth.

Xander:
Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell, and...then I do a spell by myself.

Xander:
I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after a-

Joyce:
Conquest?

Xander:
I'm a conquistador.

Joyce:
Are you sure it isn't comfort?

Xander:
I'm a comfortador also.

[During Xander's dream, he and Principal Snyder parody "Apocalypse Now."]

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
Where are you from, Harris?

Xander as Captain Willard:
Well, the basement, mostly.

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
Were you born there?

Xander as Captain Willard:
Possibly.

...

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there ... waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers. Like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.

Xander as Captain Willard:
You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.

...

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
Where are you heading?

Xander as Captain Willard:
Well, I'm supposed to meet Tara and Willow. [beat] And possibly Buffy's mom.

...

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
Are you a soldier?

Xander as Captain Willard:
[shakes head] I'm a comfortador.

Principal Snyder as Colonel Kurtz:
[contemptuous] You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.

Xander as Captain Willard:
[nods] I'm getting a cramp.

Buffy:
But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex. Throw 'em in the sea for all I care. Throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles. Men, with your groping and spitting. All groin, no brain. Three billion of ya' passin' around the same worn out urge. Men... with your sales.

Computer:
The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives.

Adam:
This could be trouble.

Riley:
We'd better make a fort.

Adam:
I'll get some pillows.

Tara:
[speaking for The First Slayer] I have no speech, no name. I live in the action of death. The blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction, absolute, alone.