Camp Lazlo, Season 1

Lazlo:
I'm sorry we sunk your fancy boat, and mistook you for a lake monster, but you gotta understand. We were just trying to help you catch a fish.

Lumpus:
Help me? Help me?! You really want to help me?!

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam:
Yes.

Lumpus:
Help me catch a fish?

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam:
Yes.

Lumpus:
The only way you three bozos can help me catch a fish is to get as far away from me as possible and not help me at all!

Lazlo:
Scoutmaster Lumpus, [opens the monster's mouth] do you need our help? Because you asked us not to help.

Lumpus:
[sarcastically] Oh, no. I'm just getting eaten by a ferocious lake monster. Don't worry about me. What makes you think I need your...

Lazlo:
Okay! [closes the monster's mouth]

Lumpus:
Lazlo!

Lazlo:
[opens the monster's mouth again] Yes?

Lumpus:
Eh, I do need your help. And look, I caught a fish!

Lazlo:
Wow! Hey! Look you guys, a fish! We caught a fish!

Patsy:
[crying] I never thought my Lazlo could be...an alien!

[The masked Squirrel scouts have just kidnapped the Jelly cabin trio and tied them up]

Raj:
Who-Who are you?

Clam:
Wh-What d'ya want?

Lazlo:
[sniffs] And why do you smell so nice?

[Patsy giggles]

Gretchen:
Shut your traps!

Raj:
How-how can they smell so nice and be so mean?

Gretchen:
[turns on a flashlight to them] Tell us your plans, you disgusting aliens.

Lazlo:
[confused] Aliens? We don't know what you're talking about.

Patsy:
You think we're gonna fall for that?

Gretchen:
We're too smart.

Nina:
You said it, Gretchen. Uh, ahem. I mean, number 3.

[Last lines]

Lazlo:
It's so cold, I can see my breath! [breathing out snowflakes] Hey, what's wrong with Clam?

[Clam is getting a brain freeze]

Raj:
[laughs] He has what we call the "brain freeze." [gets a brain freeze with His face except for his nose imploding inside his head]

Lazlo:
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Brain freeze! [gets a brain freeze and making funny faces, as the Squirrel Scouts laughed at them outside the cabin]

Gretchen:
Be careful!

Nina:
Your faces could stick that way.

Patsy:
Especially since you just ate 16 gallons of frozen glue.

Nina:
And, uh, [her glasses slip] everyone knows that aliens don't eat ice cream. [re-adjusts her glasses]

Lazlo:
Oh, yeah? Let's recharge!

[The shock glows as the girls scream offscreen]

Patsy:
But I knew kung-fu! [jumps around making karate noises] And ninjitsu! [jumps around making more karate noises] And bok choy! [stands triumphantly]

Lazlo, Raj and Clam:
Ooh! Bok choy!

Raj:
She's quite the charmer. She has got ferocious nostrils.

Patsy:
I happened to be an expert on snakes. I am a mongoose!

Raj:
Wow, that's one angry caribou!

Edward:
If you two are finished yapping, I'd like to have my sandwich now.

Ping-Pong:
Sure thing. Edward ordered the salami sandwich; [hands a salami sandwich to Edward] hold the mayo. Dave ordered the ham and pea soup; [hands a bowl of ham and pea soup to Dave] hold the ham and peas. And I ordered the snake. [eyes widen] I ordered the snake?!

Edward, Dave and Ping-Pong:
[look inside the basket] THE SNAKE! [scream]

Lazlo:
[hearing their screaming from the distance] What was that?

Raj:
I don't even know, but it reminded me of a movie about a melon that ate farmers.

Lazlo:
Uh, I thought we were supposed to be looking for Snakey.

Patsy:
Uh...Oh, yeah, we are.

Lazlo:
But how come we see Snakey in the dark?

Patsy:
[talking about Skip] That's funny. Where did he go?

Raj:
Great holly! They're dropping like flies!

Lazlo:
[running away from the snake with Patsy] But you said you're the greatest snake hunter in the world!

Patsy:
I lied!

Lazlo:
But what about ninjutsu?! Kung fu?! Bok choy?!

Patsy:
Lied, lied, lied!

Lazlo:
What about the time you beat up a snake with its own brass knuckles?!

Patsy:
What part of "I lied" do you NOT understand?!

Campers:
♪ Go-cart races sing this song, do-da, do-da. ♪

♪ Go-cart races sing this song, oh-doo-da-day. ♪

Raj:
♪ Oh-a-do-da-day. ♪

Lazlo:
♪ Oh-a-do-da-day. ♪

Clam:
♪ Da-day. ♪

Campers:
♪ Go-cart races sing this song, oh-do-da... ♪

Lumpus:
Will you can it with the singing?!

Slinkman:
Sir, they're just excited about building their own go-carts for the big annual race.

Slinkman:
[as shadow puppet Lumpus] Grumble, grumble, I'm very annoyed. Slinkman! Slinkman!

Lazlo:
[laughs] I love this part!

Slinkman:
[as shadow puppet Slinkman] Reporting for duty, sir. [as shadow puppet Lumpus] I thought I told you to order the Jelly Beans lights out! [as shadow puppet Slinkman] I did sir, but they were scheduled for a shadow puppet show tonight. [as shadow puppet Lumpus, who clears throat]

Lumpus:
[walks into Jelly Bean Cabin] Slinkman! Slinkman!

[Awkward pause]

Slinkman:
Reporting for duty, sir.

Lumpus:
I thought I told you to order the Jelly Beans lights out!

Slinkman:
I did sir, but they were scheduled for a shadow puppet show tonight.

[Lumpus clears his throat]

Lazlo, Raj, and Clam:
Yay!

Lazlo:
Now then, repeat after me: You are one with the lake!

Raj:
I am one with the lake! I am stuck, like a salamander.

Almondine:
I haven't taken my log for a walk in a long time.

Raj:
[staring down the pool] It looks like a peanut!

Lazlo:
Now, just take this wet sponge... [Raj gasps, then screams] Thimble of water... [Raj screams] Drop? [Raj screams] Molecule?

Raj:
[screams, then stops] Wait! Which type of molecule?

Lazlo:
Uh, water. [shows Raj a molecule]

[Raj then screams]

Lumpus:
Attention, campers! Attention, campers! Five minutes until the start of the big...Buddy Day...swim finale. So, grab your...buddy and have a...good race! Yeah.

Lazlo:
[delirious due to large amounts of blood being sucked from him by the leech] Oygawoygasoyoocha...gotta get to the lake...big RACE!

Lumpus:
Slinkman, who is that scout?

Slinkman:
Uh...Lazlo, Sir.

Lumpus:
No, no, no...the fat one!

Slinkman:
Uh...that's a leech, Sir. A sea lamprey, actually.

Lumpus:
Oh...a sea lamprey? Well, see that Mr. Lamprey gets a uniform, will you?

Slinkman:
Yes, Sir.

Skip:
I can't see a gosh darn thing out of these goggles, can you see anything, Chip?

Edward:
Do you imbeciles really need to be wearing your goggles before you get in the water?

Chip:
I don't know, but I have my floaties!

Lazlo:
Lamar wasn't a Lamar, he was a Lauren!

Lazlo:
Okay guys! Time for dinner! [the baby leeches start sucking on Clam] Wow! What an appetite! You'll be on solid food in no time.

[The Jelly-Beans splashed into the mud puddle, only to find Nina and Gretchen]

Raj:
[as his head is on top of Gretchen's head] We're not alone.

Gretchen:
What are you doing here? [Raj slides off of her] Well?

Raj:
Well what?

Raj:
Look! Lazlo's still sitting!

Dave:
Just like Napoleon!

Patsy:
Did you do something to your hair, Lazlo?

Raj:
What are we going to do? I inflamed the map... [sobs hysterically] We will never find the rock! Never find water!...I'm already dizzy from dehydration.

Samson:
That way!

Edward:
That way!

[The night falls as Samson and Edward continue arguing about which way back to camp]

Samson:
That way!

Edward:
That way!

Samson:
That way.

Edward:
That way. [looks at his finger] You're probably right. It was that way.

Raj:
Oh this is nice you guys are very civilized.

Clam:
Like hot tub, like hot tub.

Big Hairy Mountain Man:
Do you like Big Hairy Mountain Man massage?

Ping Pong:
Who knew that bear would be attracted to the meat flavored lip balm in my pocket?

Dave:
I wish we had that lip balm for breakfast.

Lumpus:
[nervously to Commander Hoo-Hah] But my campers are right here... [points to a bunch of rag dolls with hats sitting on a log]

Timmy and Tommy:
My treasure! What, my treasure? [strangles each other]

[Lumpus and Slinkman are searching for the Migrating Mulberry Tree in the forest]

Lumpus:
[sing song voice] Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[The Bean Scouts sneak up behind them]

Lazlo:
Scoutmas-

[Both Lumpus and Slinkman screamed, even from the distance]

Lumpus:
[angry] Lazlo, look what you've done. You scared it away!

Lazlo:
Actually, we scared you which caused you to scare it away.

Slinkman:
Uh, Sir, since it's the final one of its kind maybe you might not wanna chop the ...

Lumpus:
Slinkman, if you don't help me with this, I'll take away Mr. Squishy again.

[Slinkman's eyes retract]

Lumpus:
[while posing as the tree, getting sleepy and crazy] All around the Mulberry tree, the moose chases the monkey.

Lazlo:
Now repeat after me. I am a tree.

Lumpus:
I am a tree.

Lazlo:
Tree, tree, tree!

Lumpus:
Tree, tree, tree.

Lazlo:
Goodie for me!

Lumpus:
Goodie for me.

Lazlo:
Wait here.

Lumpus:
Wait here.

Lazlo:
[to Raj, who keeps eating some leftover marshmallows from his hat] Didn't you read the sign? There's a shortage. I thought we made a jelly cabin pact?

Clam:
Jelly!

Lazlo:
How can you keep eating marshmallows when you gave your word?

Raj:
I thought we were marshmallow buddies!

Lazlo:
[takes the marshmallows away from Raj] What about the Jelly Cabin pact?

Raj:
[takes them back] Marshmallow Buddies!

Lazlo:
[grabs it again] Jelly Cabin pact! [Raj eats a few marshmallows] Raj!

Raj:
[points with his finger] Hey, what's that?

[Lazlo looks around as Raj grabs his hat back and continues eating marshmallows]

Raj:
[to Lazlo while eating marshmallows] You failed to get your knot-tying badge 17 times, and you will most certainly not get one today.

[Raj eats Lazlo's marshmallow]

Lazlo:
Did you steal my marshmallow?

Raj:
[gasps] I am offended. I thought we were all marshmallow buddies. Well, I guess that I was wrong! [getting kicked out of the cabin] Fine I do not need you!

Lazlo:
[solemnly] We don't like doing this Raj. It's for your own good.

Raj:
I do not need my own good! [Lazlo closes the door] Some marshmallow buddies you turned out to be!

[Both Lazlo and Clam are sad at this]

Raj:
[finding the marshmallow machine at the cafeteria in Acorn Flats] It's a marshmallow machine! There must be ninety of the gooey little nuggets in there!

Nina:
Patsy, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't want to hear any more stories. I'm scared.

Almondine:
Yeah. Can we just eat our marshmallows and turn in?

[Last lines; after Raj is freed from the sticky marshmallow by crying tears of joy]

Nina:
Hey, look!

Gretchen:
It's a couple of Bean Scouts crying.

Patsy:
They probably saw the yeti and couldn't handle it.

Lazlo:
For your info, yetis don't exist. And the only thing that makes a Bean scout cry is a chopped onion. If you see your yeti, tell him if you see any unicorns. [leaves with Raj and Clam]

Patsy:
[annoyed, decides to return to their cabin] Come on, let's go. [But their feet are stuck on sticky marshmallow ground from Raj's tears] Oh, no! We're stuck!

[They scream from the distance as we see two yetis who are roasting marshmallows up on a hill]

Yeti 1:
[hearing the girls screaming] Did you hear that, Carl? It sounds like campers! Oh, I'm scared!

Yeti 2:
Campers are a myth, you yeti knucklehead! [Yeti 1's marshmallow drops to the ground] Uh, are you gonna eat that?

Raj:
What do you know about love, Lazlo?

Lazlo:
Nothing.

Lumpus:
[not knowing he was talking to Lazlo who enters] Oh, Slinkman, you're back. I'm sorry for kicking you out the window.

[As the bean and squirrel scouts all slow dance awkwardly…]

Jane:
So romantic.

Nina:
[slow dancing with Raj; coldly] I know judo.

Amber:
[slow dancing with Chip as he farts; disgusted] Eww!

Gretchen:
[slow dancing with Clam as he gazes dreamily at her; annoyed] Wipe that grin off your face, creep, before I take it off myself.

Patsy:
[having enough] All right, Lazlo, this dance is over! GET 'EM, SQUIRRELS!

Edward:
Come on, Bean Scouts, we're not going to let a bunch of squirrels push us around. [gets grabbed by an angry Honey, who's preparing to attack him]

Raj:
[to Nina] Do not listen to him! He does not speak for the rest of us! [Nina savagely grabs him by the neckerchief and starts strangling him] LAZLO!

Lazlo:
What's goin' on, ladies?

Patsy:
I'll tell you what's going on! This shindig…

Raj:
Hoedown?

Clam:
Hallabaloo?

Pasty:
This whatever it is!

Lazlo:
Are you talkin' about the dance?

[All the squirrel scouts growl angrily at him]

[After learning that one in 14 scouts is a genius and that there are 14 scouts in the camp]

Lumpus:
That's it!

Slinkman:
What's it?

Lumpus:
This is my ticket outta here! I can finally say good bye to Camp Kidney... [changes the map of Camp Kidney to a world map] And hello to the world! All I have to do is find that one genius. I wonder who it is?

[Lumpus watches Clam outside from a window]

Clam:
Apples!

[Clam bangs his head against the tree]

Lumpus:
Well, we know who it's not.

[Clam puts puzzle pieces into his mouth, chews it, and spits it out]

Clam:
Puzzle done! Back in box.

Clam:
Painting done! [shows it to scoutmaster Lumpus]

Lumpus:
Oh, yes. Very nice. [mumbles] Worst thing I've ever seen. [gives painting back to Clam as Lumpus walks away] When am I going to find my genius, Slinkman?

Clam:
[turns over painting to reveal the Mona Lisa] Uhhh...painting done?

Lazlo:
Ohh, Raj. I'm glad Clam is getting some recognition...

Raj:
I recognize him. He is the short one with the big nose.

Edward:
Welcome to the Anti-Lazlo Club!

Lazlo:
[singing] Oh...Roses are blue, and violets are to. Candy is so sweet but not as sweet as, well, actually it's also sticky just like your hair right after you comb it with your mom's comb that has sticky globs of hair spray and your cow lick gets all sticky and it won't go down and you look like a Sasquatch all day...I got the no-good lousy blues...Oh, the birds, they gotta swim, and fish, they gotta fly, Sometimes I feel like living, some times I wanna forget... All about having to leave camp and go back to school and have the teacher call on me when I don't know the answer 'cause she has some kind of radar that tells her when I don't have a clue and I'm gonna look like a dummy in front of the whole class until recess when I can scream and have fun again...And forget about the no-good lousy BLUES!

Edward:
Boy I'd give the shirt off my back to see those losers in harms way. [Chip rips off Edward's shirt] Hey! What's the idea?!

Chip:
See? [points the trio hanging over the waterfall]

Edward:
[excitedly rips his pants off] Here, take my pants, too!

Edward:
[after seeing Lazlo, Raj and Clam falling down the waterfall] Hooray! [seeing the trio coming out of the water] Whatever.

Chip and Skip:
Hooray!

Edward:
[grabs his shirt] Gimme my shirt back. [walks off]

Chip:
[to Skip] Is he gonna take his pants back too?

Campers:
[chanting] We want a prediction! We want a prediction! We want a prediction!

Lazlo:
[snapping with agitation] ALL RIGHT!

Edward:
Here comes the prediction, campers! [looks inside the wig with words that say…; thinking] "Edward will smile for Lazlo?" Will smile… for Lazlo?

Skip:
What does it say?

Samson:
Yeah. [gets knocked over on his side by a throwing volleyball] Tell us what the prediction is.

Edward:
[as his grin turns to a frown] Um… Nothing. Madame Lazlo is a fraud, a fake. You should all forget the whole thing ever happened. My face hurts.

Lazlo:
Did you hear that? The soap dispensers makes a silly sound. It's a good thing we're behaving, or I'd be tempted to make it again!

Clam:
Press it again.

Slinkman:
Is everything okay, sir?

Lumpus:
Yeah, we're good. [pushes the scouts to the exit] Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Slinkman:
But, sir, you're forgetting...

Tarson:
[to the customer] You call that a tip?! [saws the table in half with the chainsaw]

Turkey Maître D:
[shocked and angry after seeing Lumpus, Slinkman and the scouts leaving the restaurant without paying] Well, my goodness! Have a nice [gobbles] day!

Samson:
Merp. I miss Camp Kidney. Merp. I miss the other scouts. Why? Why? Why are my EYES burning up?! [sniffs and see the patch of stinkweeds] STINKWEEDS!

Lazlo:
Well, how did it go?

Edward:
Did you chicken out?

Slinkman:
I can't go to Slugfest. I'm just too busy.

Edward:
He chickened out.

Slinkman:
Lazlo, I am not going anywhere.

[While Clam serves the campers mustard]

Edward:
You'd expect me to eat a plate of plain mustard?

Clam:
It has zing.

Edward:
Here's your zing.

[The campers throw their plates of mustard at Clam]

Lazlo:
[to the campers who want hot dogs] Well, we really appreciate it. But we have something more important to deal with right now: friendship.

Campers:
Aw!

Edward:
Yeah, but we can't eat friendship.

Raj:
Who would of thought that my buns could cause such excitement.

Lazlo:
You have very nice buns, Raj.

Raj:
What are we made out of?

Clam:
Stuff.

Raj:
Stuff? What kind of stuff?

Clam:
Stuff stuff.

Raj:
Hot dogs do not even need mustard! It is disgusting!

Clam:
Buns are disgusting! And boring!

Raj:
You think buns are BORING!?! I will show you boring!

Raj:
Does anyone even know what hot dogs are made of anyway?!

Chip:
I'm suddenly feeling like pizza, what about you?

Lazlo:
Hey, Clam. Are you hiding out here, too?

Clam:
No, I was eating garbage.

Lumpus:
I was once a bean scout too, you know.

Lazlo:
Really?! [imagines a young Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Young Lumpus:
That's "Loompus!" [kicks his scoutmaster in the shin]

Lazlo:
Cute!

Raj:
[using a happy buzzer on himself instead on someone else] This is marvelous! I'm like a hiccupping jumping bean!

Slinkman:
Sir, we have a little problem.

Lumpus:
Yeah, I know! Who let a monkey in the projector room?

Commander Hoo-Ha:
Lumpus, for not following the rules, no more milky wilky for you...ever!

Lumpus:
Pass the marshmallows please, Alvin.

Edward:
Edward.

Lazlo:
Hey, Edward! How was your movie night?

Edward:
[mimicking Lazlo] "How was your movie night?" How was my movie night?! I'll tell you how it was! Can I tell you how I loathed it?! How I would have preferred sitting in a cow's stomach, watching grass being digested?!

Lazlo:
Okay, maybe later!

[Lumpus is asking Slinkman what each of the campers were sent]

Lumpus:
What about the Dung Beetles? What did they get?

[We see Chip and Skip eyeing something on the ground]

Slinkman:
Ugh, [quivers] ...you don't want to know, sir.

Lazlo:
But Scout Master Lumpus, we're supposed to have fun!

[Lumpus screams; Edward stares at him and says nothing]

Lazlo:
[as Lumpus, posing as Larry, pushing him on the swing] Isn't this fun, Scoutmaster L-L-L-Larry?!

Clam:
Larry!

Raj:
L-L-L-L-Larry canary!

Lazlo:
L-L-L-Larry underweary!

Clam:
Larry!

Raj:
Scout Master Lumpus, have you seen... [screams] MY CHEESE WHEEL!

Raj:
So, you can just eat those spiny things and nothing will happen to you?

Lumpus:
Well, I'll bloat a little... [bloats up like a balloon] ...after that you don't want to know what happens.

Lazlo:
Don't forget to excuse me from pantsing.

Nurse Leslie:
What? You can't get excuse from that. It's a camp thing.

Raj:
[surprised when seeing Chip and Skip pantsed] Goodness gracious ...

Edward:
[surprises Raj in order to get him pantsed] Whoops! Ok, [gets a checklist of his victims who are pantsed] let's see now. Raj, Chuck, Samson, Mort, Clam, Bill, Chip, Skip, Dave and Ping-Pong, Gordon, Fred, Norman, Milt. That leaves...Lazlo. [to the scouts] Alright, Beans, listen up, tell Lazlo his pants are as good as mine.

Bill:
I lost everything! Nickels, dimes, and quarters! [weeping] The horror!

Edward:
Hello, Lazlo.

Lazlo:
Oh, hi, Edward.

Edward:
You hiding from me?

Lazlo:
Yeah, I just thought I could lay low here for a while until it flew ooo...Edward! [looks at map] Edward, what are you doing here?

Edward:
I live here, you idiot. You know, [uses shrub buddy voice] shrub buddy.

Edward:
[after stopping Lazlo from running and uses a shrub as a disguise] Hey, Lazlo.

Lazlo:
What? Who's there?

Edward:
It's me, the shrub, your buddy.

Lazlo:
My shrub buddy?

Edward:
Yeah, that's it, shrub buddy. I hear you have some worries about getting pantsed.

Lazlo:
Uh, yeah?

Edward:
Yeah, well, I thought so. I'm willing to help you out.

Lazlo:
You're a shrub.

Edward:
Yeah, I know. Your shrub buddy. [reveals a map] Here, check this out. This is a map to a secret hideaway where you can lay low for a couple of days. But I'm not even sure I'm gonna give it to you.

Lazlo:
Oh, please, can I have it? Oh, please! Oh, please!

Edward:
Well, okay, but don't tell anybody.

Lazlo:
Shrub buddy, you're the best buddy in the whole world.

Edward:
Yeah, yeah, sure, Lazlo.