Camp Lazlo, Season 3

Slinkman:
How do you feel now, sir?

Lumpus:
How do I feel? [jumps onto the table and dances] More importantly, how do I look?

Chef McMuseli:
Why, you look thinner already.

Lumpus:
Yeah, heh, heh-- what?

Chef McMuseli:
The McMuseli low-cal fat-free food-free weight-loss meal plan never fails to shed…

Lumpus:
[grabs him by the shoulders; savagely] YOU PSYCHOTIC SALAD SPINNER!

Chef McMuseli:
Pounds.

Lumpus:
I'm trying to gain weight!

Chef McMuseli:
Gain weight?! I can't handle such insanity! He is not of this world!

Lumpus:
[frantically] I got to get some real food! I got to get out of here!

Nina:
[squeals] The new issue of "Dreamboat" magazine! [gasps] With Hanly Manster on the cover! He's so gorgeous.

Pasty:
And generous! He adopts underprivileged baby ponies.

Gretchen:
[dreamily] I'd like to put him in a cage and keep him on my nightstand… forever.

Pasty:
[sighs dreamily] I wish he were here with us right now.

Samson:
Well, if you gals are all set, I'm gonna get a move on.

Nina:
Thanks for the magazine. [gasps]

Pasty:
What's the matter, Ni- [gasps]

Gretchen:
You girls sound like a couple of… [gasps]

Nina:
He looks just like Hanly Manster! [compares the magazine with Samson, seeing that they're alike]

[The Squirrel Scouts imagine Samson as Hanly Manster and all sigh of swooning]

Samson:
Well, [chuckles] I'm off. The road's a harsh mistress, and she waits for no one. [starts to pedal away back to Camp Kidney, but the girls block his way]

Pasty:
What's your hurry, Manly… I mean, Samson?

Samson:
[nervously] What? Well, uh…

Nina:
Why don't you stick around a while?

Samson:
[returns to camp and to his cabin after getting battered by the Squirrel Scouts] That was really strange. [hears voices and peeks inside his cabin, seeing the Squirrel Scouts already in there and looking around]

Amber:
Look! His pillow!

Nina:
That's where he lays his sweet, sweet head.

Gretchen:
I found his socks!

Almondine:
I found his tissues!

Patsy:
I found his dandruff!

Gretchen:
Let me have some!

Patsy:
Get your own!

Gretchen:
I said, give me some of that Samson dander!

Nina:
[points to Samson at the cabin door] Look!

Gretchen:
It's him!

Girls:
[dreamily] Hi, Samson.

Samson:
Hello.

Pasty:
Can we do anything for you?

Samson:
Can you put my dandruff back where you found it?

[The Jelly Cabin trio find Samson hiding in a tray of potato salad]

Lazlo:
Samson, what are you doing in there?

Samson:
Hiding from the Squirrel Scouts! Please let me stay! I beg you!

Lazlo:
Why are you hiding from the Squirrel Scouts?

Samson:
[holds up the "Dreamboat" magazine with Hanly Manster on the cover] They think I look like some hunky heartthrob named Hanly Manster.

Lazlo:
[looking at the magazine, closely] Hanly Manster?

[The sound of Squirrel Scouts screaming excitedly is heard]

Samson:
Oh, now you've done it!

Lazlo:
Samson, you can't hide in there forever. What will you eat?

Samson:
Potato salad?

Lazlo:
[pulls Samson out of the tray] Come on, you. We'll help you figure a way out of this mess.

[Later that evening, the Jellies and Samson are all hiding in the Jelly Bean cabin]

Raj:
No matter where we hide, the Squirrel Scouts always find us!

Lazlo:
They won't find us in here, Raj.

Raj:
[gasps fearfully when he hears a squealing sound, believing it's them] (Oh, no!) Here they come!

Samson:
That's just my deviated septum. It's not so loud if I breathe through my mouth.

Squirrel Scouts:
Hi, Samson!

[Lazlo, Raj, Clam, and Samson all scream in terror and back away as the girls get closer to them]

Raj:
I'm sorry, Samson! I didn't sign up for this! [uses Clam as a drill and they both fall in a hole, escaping the cabin]

Clam:
Run away!

Lazlo:
[as Raj and Clam crawl out from under the cabin] Raj? Clam? You slipped the magazine under the door.

Raj:
Guilty. It's amazing what you can do with tape, scissors, and a picture of Edward. [holds up the new issue of "Dreamboat" with a picture of Edward tapped on it]

Edward:
[off-screen, while the Squirrel Scouts chase him down] NO!!!!

Lazlo:
Whoa! Poor Edward.

Samson:
I'd hate to be that guy.

Slinkman:
[on the intercom] Attention, campers. The department of forestry has reminded us once again to stop hitting our heads against boulders.

Chip:
[to Skip] There's that voice again.

Slinkman:
[on the intercom] On a similar note, the fish and game department has informed us that it's not wise to play This Little Piggy with the sleeping bears.

Bear:
[appears out of nowhere, squashing Slinkman] GAH!!! NO MORE LITTLE PIGGY! NO MORE LITTLE PIGGY, PLEASE! [runs off screaming]

Chip:
That is one smart bear.

[The next morning, all the campers are in their jammies]

Raj:
[to Lazlo] Why would Slinkman want to call us this very morning? [sees Slinkman in his full body cast in the wheelchair, looking very annoyed] Uh-oh.

Slinkman:
Listen up, campers. Due to our mishap yesterday involving...Well, I won't mention any names, but their initials are...CHIP AND SKIP!!!

Chip and Skip:
Hooray!

Chip:
He said our initials!

Slinkman:
We are reinstating the rule that all cabin leaders are responsible for their bunk mates. That means keep them from hurting themselves or others.

Edward:
Wait a minute. What does that mean, babysitting?

Slinkman:
In your case, Edward, it means dung-sitting, 24/7.

Edward:
WHAT?!?!

Chip:
Edward's gonna dung-sit?

Skip:
Does that mean he can sit on us?

Edward:
[desperately] No! [grabbing Slikman, causing him to fall down] I don't want to be a dung-sitter! I beg you! You can't do that to me!

Slinkman:
I'm sorry, Edward, it's new...camp...policy! [shoves Edward off him with his feet and onto Chip and Skip]

Chip:
Hey, Edward, are you gonna sit on us for a while?

Skip:
I don't know if you wanna do that. We just had beans.

Edward:
[sulking grumpily to himself] I hate my life.

Norman:
A question; What's 20 billion times katillion?

Skip:
480 lumpillion.

Bean Scouts:
Wow!

Ping-Pong:
Tell me, how many tubes of toothpaste will I use in a lifetime?

Chip:
You haven't finished your first one.

Ping-Pong:
They're totally right! [his tooth falls out]

Lazlo:
Professors, in your educated opinion, do you believe our sun will be a future habitat for Lava People

Skip:
Well, actually Lazlo, in five billion years, our sun will be a Red Giant, engulfing three planets in our solar system, after which it will go supernova.

Edward:
[looking at a brown, muddy blob] What is it?

Chip:
A computer.

Skip:
We made it out of twigs and mud.

Computer:
The current operator is not smart enough to run this computer.

Raj:
Eeh! This wood is hurting me. Eeh! I think i'm getting a callus! EEEH!

Clam:
Yoga.

Raj:
What yoga is, Clam?

Lazlo:
Well I guess that leaves more for us then

Raj:
Um.. I think I'm late for my yoga lesson, Lazlo

Clam:
Yoga

Lazlo:
Oh well, I will save them some.

Samson:
Why, Edward? Why?

Edward:
I don't know, Samson. All I know is that "girls" shouldn't be allowed on our bus.

Samson:
[weakly] Hold me.

Patsy:
Oh Lazlo! [giggles]

Raj:
[annoyed] What is it, Patsy, for the 20th time?

Patsy:
Never mind. [she, Nina, and Gretchen giggle]

Raj:
Tsk, Tsk, Tsk. Those girls are nothing well.

Clam:
Ding-dongs.

Samson:
A girl on our side of the bus. As the sun slowly sets on my childhood, the dark suffocates me into adolescence.

Samson:
[thinking to himself; worried] Oh, this is terrible! What should I do?

Samson's Shoulder Angel:
Tell the truth, Samson. You'll feel better.

Samson's Shoulder Devil:
No, don't! They'll all hate you. I…I…

Samson's Shoulder Angel:
What's wrong?

Samson's Shoulder Devil:
The shoulder's so filthy.

Patsy:
You're not getting your dirt back!

Samson:
Well, we don't want it back. Now that's been stuck to your ugly faces!

[The girls gasp in shock]

Patsy:
[infuriated] What did you say?!

Samson:
You heard me! Ugly!

Edward:
[back to being angry; to Gretchen] You stole my happy...YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT, SISTER!

Mayor Pothole McPhucker:
Well done! First place! First place! Brilliant! Just look at that face! [the photo of Lumpus] Just look at that thing protruding... [the meaning statue of Piercely R. Prickly]

Raj:
Are you sure it's okay to steal all this stuff?

Lazlo:
It's not stealing, Raj, it's borrowing and besides we'll leave an I.O.U for them in case they're wondering where it is.

Samson:
Merciful merp! [begins having a meltdown; agitated] How am I supposed to get to the store?! [crawls on his bed sadly] Merp. If I get beaten by one more ball I'll go insane! [starts crying]

Harold:
[showing a photo to Dave] There she is.

Dave:
Wow. She's beautiful.

Samson:
Let me see that. [takes the photo out of Harold's hand] I've seen better. [stuffs the photo in his pocket] I'll keep it anyway.

Harold:
But that was a picture of my mom.

[As Samson takes his pillows and heads back to his cabin, he ends up finding himself trapped in a circle of the other angry campers, all holding their pillows preparing to get their revenge on him for bullying them]

Edward:
You're not going anywhere, pillow boy! Not until we all give you, a little taste, of some pillows!

Milt:
Watch those tusks!

Harold:
Sorry.

Milt:
You're hanging out with Raj, now.

Larrison:
You just jumped a whole level!

Lumpus:
It's not fair but I don't care.

Slinkman:
[saw Lumpus reflection at the rock] Oh my gosh. I've...I've become Lumpus.

[First lines]

Lazlo:
Hey Raj?

Raj:
Yes lazlo?

Lazlo:
How many times can you hop up and down?

Raj:
Well, my legs ARE tremendously strong so I will have to say...eleven thousand times.

Lazlo:
Yeah that sounds about right. How 'bout you Clam?

Clam:
Four.

Lazlo:
Four?

Raj:
No way!

Clam:
Four.

[Nurse Leslie couldn't stand hearing that waiting room music]

Nurse Leslie:
[crying] Don't judge me for crying fellas. DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME!!! Wahhahah!

Lazlo:
I think someone needs a vacation.

Nurse Leslie:
Vacation? What's a...vacation?

Lazlo:
You don't even know what a vacation is? [drops mouth open in surprise]

Raj:
Come on, Lazlo. Maybe Nurse Leslie comes from Europe where vacations are known as holidays.

Nurse Leslie:
Look, you idiots, I know what a vacation is. I just never had one.

Nurse Leslie:
I thought I told you to build a stretcher.

Edward:
Noise pollution is not cool.

Freddie:
Now, I'm going to open up the request lines. [phone rings] Hello? And what would you like to hear tonight?

Lumpus:
Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

Freddie:
You got it, baby. Here it is. "Turn Off That Racket, You're Driving Me Crazy." [puts on the song]

[The 1950's rock n roll music plays]

Singer:
[singing]

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

You're yap-yap-yapping, but you're not saying much

You're flip-flappy-flapping, think I'm losing touch

Like a train in my brain, that's the nation of pain

Like a henhouse squawking or the clyde horse talking?

Turn off that racket! You're driving me crazy!

You're yap-yap-yapping, but you're not saying much

You're flip-flappy-flapping, think I'm losing touch

Camper:
Edward? Will you sign my omelet?

Samson:
Is there gonna be another yeti attack tonight? Cause, I got to get to sleep soon.

Edward:
Well, let's just say, [shoves his beak into the tin can phone, creating an ominous echoed sound effect] stay tuned! [takes his beak out of the tin can and snickers]

Edward:
Oops! Another concerned camper? [answers the tin can phone] Yes, hello, don't worry about- [a yeti roars down the phone at him, sending his fur flying. He notices his sound effects record isn't playing] Wha...? [starts stammering and trembling] Scoutmaster Lumpus? Was that you...? [hears growling and snarling at the door and all his fur stands on end] I th-thought I told you guys...n-not to come up here! [the frightened platypus now sees hairy hands at the window] MOTHER OF MERCY!!! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY YETIS!!!

Edward:
[over the radio] They're getting closer! This isn't a stunt! Call the coast guard!

[Chip and Skip begin crying]

Samson:
[enters their cabin] Hey, guys! Chip! Skip! Come on, you two! We're gonna go watch Edward getting eaten by yetis!

Chip and Skip:
Cool!

Lazlo:
Come on! Hurry!

Clam:
[while carrying Raj] Save Edward! Save Edward!

Dave:
Where you going?

Raj:
Radio station.

Clam:
Save Edward.

Dave:
[to Ping Pong] Want to watch Edward get eaten by yetis?

Ping Pong:
It beats sitting here.

Edward:
[still freaking out] Help! I lied about last night! This is real now! [voice cowering] This has been...Edward...After Dark. [screams as the yetis enter]

[The campers arrived too late as the lights of the radio station went out]

Raj:
Are we too late?

Lazlo:
[solemnly] Yes, Raj.

Raj:
[to Clam] Can you put me down now?

[Clam puts Raj down]

Chip:
[holding a radio] Goodbye, Edward.

Yeti 2:
And this one goes out to that little platypus chap cowering in the corner.

Commander Hoo-Ha:
Now, I know what you're all asking yourselves why did Hoo-Ha bring his daughter here, hmm? The answer is simple: I have decided that she is at proper age to know what a boy is.

Patsy:
Daddy, I know what a boy is...

Commander Hoo-Ha:
Dup-dup-dup-dup! [picks Lazlo up] This, pumpkin, is a boy.

Patsy:
Hi, Lazlo!

Lazlo:
Ahem. Hoo-Ha's your dad?

Patsy:
Duh!

Commander Hoo-Ha:
No fraternizing with my pumpkin! Fraternizing leads to liking. And if a boy wants to like my Pumpkin [puts his hands next to both sides of Patsy's eyes], not just like, I mean like like, WHO COULD SAY WHAT I'D DO?! [blows his top in anger, which flies in front of the Beans and catches fire and disappears] Well I don't have to worry about that, do I? Isn't that right?!

[Slinkman, Edward, Raj and Clam shake in fear]

Samson:
You really have to beat me up?

Lumpus:
My old cabin could sure use an upgrade. Dum-dum, dum-dum, DUUMM. [destroys the old cabin model to show the upgrade model] Oh, the official scoutmaster upgrade? Well yes of course I know I deserve it for keeping my temper and Roman quota for three years and running. [Slinkman knocks the door as he hide models] What?! [Chip and Skip are crying] Slinkman. Why are they weeping?

Slinkman:
Because Skip and Chip’s camp dues haven't been paid up in months. I have no choice but to send them home to their three nannies [throws backwards the notebook] it’s scout regulations.

Chip:
We love camp. [crying]

Skip:
We don't want to go home. [crying]

Lumpus:
[worried] Home? Slinkman. We can't send them home. [angry] If we do it will ruin my hill Roman streak. [getting worried] And I won't get my cabin upgrade.

Slinkman:
Officially, the only way they can stay is if they have jobs, here in camp to pay off what they owe.

Lumpus:
[being happy] YES JOBS! Problem solved.

Slinkman:
Chef Mcmuesli, I'm assigning Chip and Skip here to work for the mess hall.

Chef Mcmuesli:
Oh alrighty then boys let's get to work you'll put these hair nets. So what I'd like for you guys to do is... [notices that their hair nets are mainly wrong]

Skip:
I saw a firetruck.

Skip:
What do you recommend? [Chip fills all the tray from rice] It needs something. [thinks what needs, meanwhile a fly dies by the insects killer and falls into the tray. he soon speaks to Chip] You’re a genius [although the dead fly do this]

Lazlo:
Ugh... [walks backwards disgustedly]

Raj:
I'm not hungry anymore.

Clam:
We might throw up.

[The Jelly beans run away from the mess hall]

Lumpus:
[annoyed] OH, I'LL TAKE THAT! [chews the tray and throws up off-screen]

Nurse Leslie:
[Lumpus gets in crying] Are you hurt, Scoutmaster?

Lumpus:
[sadly] Paper cut!

Nurse Leslie:
Where? [the phone rings] Huh, there goes the phone. You boys can bandage him up, right? [Lumpus sounds like a hurted puppy dog] You'll be fine. [speaking to the phone] Look how many times do I have to tell you mechanics what to do with my car? I'm going to take you through it step by step for the last time so listen up.

Chip:
Hey Nurse Leslie, we bandaged him. What else should we do?

Nurse Leslie:
Step one: open the hood.

Chip:
Open the hood. [Chip and Skip hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Nurse Leslie:
Then lift the engine.

Chip:
Lift the engine. [staying hurting Scoutmaster Lumpus]

Nurse Leslie:
Now remove and reattach the hose. [Lumpus screams and runs away in panic, because Chip and Skip did too bad] Get out.

Lumpus:
FLIP AND DIP!

Chip and Skip:
Yeah?

Lumpus:
MOVE THAT MOUNTAIN!

Chip and Skip:
Yes, Sir.

Slinkman:
[pointing Lumpus] Really, all this for a cabin upgrade.

[Lumpus laughs evilly, meanwhile Chip and Skip move and knock down to the mountains like a line of dominoes' tokens]

Lumpus:
[screams and tries to leave but the last mountain squashes Lumpus] Ow!

Lazlo:
[wearing Lumpus's scoutmaster hat] I've always wanted to wear this!

Lumpus:
I don't look like that.

[Last lines]

Raj:
[to Lazlo] Scoutmaster Lazlo?

Lazlo:
Yes, Raj?

Raj:
Um, my cabin's on fire.

Lazlo:
Oh, I'm not the scoutmaster anymore, Scoutmaster Lumpus is now. He's not leaving.

Raj:
Ohhh... [moves over to Lumpus] "Scoutmaster Lumpus, my cabin's on fire. [the camera zooms out to show camp on fire] Scoutmaster Lumpus, there's fire on your shoe.

[As the bean scouts and squirrel scouts get ice cream from the ice cream truck, Edward and Gretchen start getting into a heated argument]

Gretchen:
Mine is the best!

Edward:
No, mine is the best!

Gretchen:
Oh, yeah?!

Edward:
Yeah!

Gretchen:
Listen, platypus. Frostbite Pops are the best and you know it!

Edward:
If you brought your head out of the swamp, you would know that Sputnik Cosmopops are 33 and a third times better your garbage on a stick!

Lazlo:
Isn't great how Gretchen and Edward debate every time we get a visit from the ice cream truck?

Raj:
Really… great.

Clam:
Dumb argument.

Edward:
[firmly] She starts at every time!

Gretchen:
[enraged with her face all red] Lazlo! [grabs him by the shirt with both hands and pulls him into her face; vengefully] I'm gonna get you, if it's the last thing I do.

Lazlo:
You're gonna get me? What does that mean?

Gretchen:
Oh, I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise.

[Lazlo seeing Edward taking out the bazooka and aims at Gretchen]

Lazlo:
Gretchen, look out! [bursts into the restaurant] GRETCHEN!!! [Edward opens fire] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! [gets hit, and reveals that he's wearing the "I'm a Jerk" t-shirt]

[Last lines]

Lazlo:
I'm just glad that no one got hurt.

Edward:
[walks, slams into a pole, and falls onto the ground] I'm hurt!

Dave:
Yes?

Lumpus:
Hello, there. I need some newspaper for the bottom of my birdcage. The latest issue of The Bean!, perhaps.

Dave:
Your bird isn't even alive!

[Last lines]

Lumpus:
I'm going to brush my teeth. [walks towards his cabin]

Edward:
[to the campers] Do you think we should tell him who's toothbrush he used to clean the latrine?

[Dave and Ping-Pong hold up newspaper gear and smile]

Edward:
[to the Jelly Beans] It was you! You were the one that messed up Camp Kidney with your sunflowers! You've changed the shower heads! The flagpole! And, I don't want to say what you did with Slinkman!

[Cut to Slinkman wearing sunflower petals around his eyes]

Edward:
[packing his suitcases] I had enough Lazlo, I had enough Camp Kidney! [bucking his seatbelt] I just want to see it in a view mirror, that's all. [drives the cabin into the gate]

Slinkman:
[blocks the gate] Hold it! Edward, you know you're not supposed to drive the cabins out of camp.

Edward:
Fine! [leaves the cabin] You park it.

Edward:
[to Samson] AUGH!!! FOR THE LOVE OF LUMPUS! PRESS THE BELL ALREADY!!!

Edward:
Fine, I'll get some more stamps.

Samson:
[covers his eyes] He's still got that rash...

Edward:
I'm so excited to be leaving this place that I don't care that I'm surrounded by all you losers!

Edward:
[anxiously opens the box he wants to see where he and the Bean Scouts are in] We're in...We're in... [looking at the sign] Oh no, "Acorn Flats Sunflower Field"?!