Cheers, Season 2

Cliff:
The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.

Coach:
Like Colorado?

Cliff:
No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.

Norm:
[chuckling] Last time around, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

Diane:
You've been with a lot of women.

Sam:
No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many.

Diane:
How many have there been?

Sam:
Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun- [Diane gasps] Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.

Cliff:
I have impossibly high standards for a woman.

Norm:
She has to like you, right?

Cliff:
If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.

Norm:
If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

Sam:
First of all nobody resigns from a bar and second of all nobody resigns in Latin.

Cliff:
It's French, Sammy.

Coach:
Would you like a beer, Norm?

Norm:
I'd like to see something in a size 54 sudzy.

Diane:
[about Andy Andy] We, mostly I, can save this man's life.

[Andy is strangling Diane, dressed as characters from "Othello".]

Diane:
Help, this psycho is trying to kill me!

Coach:
That's the only line from Shakespeare I ever understood!

Coach:
[about War and Peace] Forget it Sam, no one can read four ounces a day.

Diane:
You didn't shave.

Sam:
Oh no no. I needed a new place to scratch.

Cliff:
I'll go with you I know CPR.

Norm:
I'll go, I'm a CPA.

Sam:
[Calling Carla in a hotel room, worried Hank may die if he's allowed to have sex with her] What should I say?

Norm:
Ask her to look next to her and count the dead people.

Diane:
Sam, if brains were money you'd have to take out a loan for a cup of coffee.

Sam:
Coach, I'm having blackouts!

Coach:
Kinda nice break in the day, isn't it, Sam?

Coach:
What's the point of winning if you can't humiliate the other team?

Diane:
Coach has lost his sweet disposition. he's turned into a tyrant.

Sam:
Yeah, but he's winning Diane and winning is the most important thing here.

Diane:
Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.

Sam:
Well good then, you won't mind losing this argument.

Diane:
Over my dead body.

Sam:
Hey, don't bring last night into this.

Sam:
Coach, we don't want to be bothered.

Coach:
Who does?

Sam:
Somebody wants you at another table.

Diane:
Who?

Sam:
Everybody at this one.

Cliff:
[trying to scratch a bikini off a card] There's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.

Norm:
Story of your life, big guy.

Diane:
[to Sam] When I and everyone else in the world say I love you, we are opening up the very core of our being. When you say it, you're just clearing your throat.

Sam:
I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience: saying 'No' to women. The closest I've come is 'Not now, we're landing.'

[Diane enters Cheers with a friend.]

Diane:
This is Heather Landon, my oldest friend.

Carla:
Meet her this morning?

Sam:
I'll tell you something else I haven't had much experience saying no to women. The closest I've come is "Not now, we're landing."

Sam:
This isn't an IOU. It's a bunch of writing I don't understand. That's what this is.

Diane:
Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam?

Sam:
No, it's English.

Diane:
In your case that qualifies.

Guy:
You must have a high threshold for pain.

Coach:
I don't know the meaning of the word.

Guy:
Pretty tough guy there, huh?

Norm:
No, no he doesn't know what threshold means.

Carla:
I know everything about you, Malone.

Sam:
Yeah, right.

Carla:
Your favorite color is blue. Your favorite hobby is sailing. And your taste in women is not what it used to be.

Sam:
Right across the board. You do know me.

Carla:
A lot better than you know me.

Sam:
Yeah?

Carla:
Yeah.

Sam:
Your favorite meal is Chicken McNuggets. Your favorite hobby is drawing underarm hair on all the models in Vogue magazine. And your favorite movie is Lady and the Tramp and you always cry when they come to the part about the spaghetti.

Carla:
I didn't think anybody knew that.

Sam:
I'll tell you something else I know about you that you didn't think I knew.

Carla:
What?

Sam:
You go to Mass every Sunday.

Carla:
Who squealed on me?!

Diane:
I thought you were seeing someone.

Carla:
His fingerprints grew back. He had to leave the country.

Diane:
You know Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous, you are a walking time bomb.

Coach:
How about a beer, Norm?

Norm:
Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.

Coach:
How about tellers? You take tellers. They never tell you anything. They always ask questions. And interest, there's nothing interesting about it at all. It's boring. Oh and then the trust department, they got all the pens chained down to the tables. What kind of trust is that?

Carla:
When I'm in charge of the bar I know what God feels like.

Norm:
How's that?

Carla:
It's like I'm in complete control of people's destinies. Yeah, I can make their drinks too strong so they get sick. Or I can water them down so they're payin' for nothin'. Or if I don't like their attitude I can spit in it.

Sam:
[on the phone] Can you tell me which is the more dominant flower: the Mountain Lilly or the Black-Eyed Susan?

Cliff:
It doesn't seem fair, does it Norm?

Norm:
What?

Cliff:
Well that I should have so much knowledge when there are people in the world that have to go to bed stupid every night.

Sam:
It's a sad world we live in when Sam Malone becomes the voice of reason.

Coach:
What's your most troublesome problem, Norm?

Norm:
Well that's tough to say, Coach. Let's see I'm overweight, unemployed, separated, depressed, starting to drink too much. My problem is I've never been happier.

Coach:
Beer, Normy?

Norm:
Coach, I don't know. I'll have one next week... what the heck I'm young.

Coach:
What's shaking, Norm?

Norm:
All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.

Diane:
Coach, come on. You have to find a way to put this behind you. Angela and T-Bone are both in heaven now.

Norm:
Let's hope he's not hitting on her up there.

Carla:
I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff:
Maybe you'd like to take a crack at Norm here.

Carla:
Just so we can follow the fun, what's this fight about?

Diane:
We're not fighting, Carla. We're merely discussing a little difference of opinion. Vodka rocks, two. I think Sam is a heartless mindless slack-jawed cretin and he disagrees.

Cliff:
Sometimes I'm ashamed God made me a man.

Carla:
I don't think God's doing a whole lot of bragging about it either.

Phillip:
That's the face I've been looking for.

Diane:
Sorry, I'm still using it. I could let you visit it on weekends.

Norm:
I know what you mean, Sam. Once the trust goes out of a relationship, it's really no fun lying to them anymore.

Diane:
Oh my God Sam, I've made you a babbling idiot.

Sam:
Who are you calling a babbling idiot?

Diane:
You don't have to get upset. I'm actually criticizing myself.

Sam:
You just called me a babbling idiot and you're criticizing yourself? Do me a favor let me criticize me for awhile. You're sickening.

Diane:
Do you know the difference between you and a fat, braying ass?

Sam:
Nope.

Diane:
The fat, braying ass would.

Sam:
Speaking of fat, braying asses, you're about to get dumped on yours.

[Diane slaps Sam, he slaps her back]

Diane:
How dare you slap me!

[Diane slaps Sam again, he slaps her back again]

Diane:
Don't you ever hit me again!

Sam:
Like hell.

[They carry on slapping each other]

Sam:
Boy I'd love to Mort but I don't have any time around here. I spend half my life trying to keep this bar on its feet and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers.

Norm:
How do you keep so trim, Carla?

Carla:
Sex.

Coach:
You mean sex is the greatest exercise.

Carla:
Nah, I miss it so much I can't eat.

Sam:
[about being named one of the sexiest bachelors] Besides it gave me a chance to air some of my political issues.

Diane:
What political issues did you air your views on?

Sam:
I told them I thought nuclear war would be bad news.

Diane:
Oh Sam, you stirred up a hornet's nest there.

Sam:
Really? Well I can always say I was misquoted.

Diane:
Oh, I see when they say eligible bachelors they mean eligible for a brain transplant.