Cheers, Season 3

Coach:
What will it be, Normy?

Norm:
A transfusion with a head on it.

Sam:
I didn't start drinking when she left, I was celebrating. [to Diane] Celebrating the day I got rid of you. You hear that everybody?

Everyone:
Celebrating.

Diane:
Well let me tell you something, Sam. I have two birthdays now. One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth when I walked out of here.

Sam:
Just one more time: you did not walk out of here. I kicked you out and I would do it again except that no man deserves that much pleasure in one's life.

Frasier:
Carla, why do you keep building walls between you and everyone else?

Carla:
Have you taken a good look at everyone else [in the bar]?

Frasier:
Touché.

Diane:
Oh Frasier, I think I'm going to come back to work here.

Frasier:
What?! No no no no no no. Listen as Frasier Crane M.D. I don't think that's a good idea for the two of you. And as Frasier Crane Man I don't think it's a good idea for the three of us.

Sam:
I could get out of prison after twelve years, serve on an all male ship for another four and be dropped on a desert island for another three eating nothing but raw oysters day after day and if one day Diane walked out of the surf naked, all I'd want from her is the hockey scores.

Diane:
And you wouldn't even get that!

Sam:
Is there anything I can do?

Diane:
No. This problem is strictly between myself and Frasier Crane. Suffice to say, he insists on making mountains out of molehills.

Carla:
He wants you to wear a padded bra?

Carla:
Eddie's got an extra ticket to the RV show for tonight, Coach. How's that sound?

Coach:
Terrific.

Carla:
Well go ahead. I'll cover for ya.

Coach:
Hot dog!

Carla:
Some luck, huh Eddie?

Eddie:
Well, I guess I'm not going to get a good night kiss.

Carla:
You might if you're nice to him.

Diane:
I haven't had such a good time since uh....

Sam:
That's okay. I know when you stopped having a good time, Diane.

Diane:
It goes without saying I would have had a better time if I had gone with Frasier.

Sam:
Me too.

Coach:
Boy Doc, you tell great stories.

Frasier:
That was Poe.

Coach:
Don't be modest, it was great.

Carla:
What a night. Two hundred bucks in tips.

Coach:
What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?

Carla:
I am going to spend it all on my kids.

Coach:
Good girl.

Carla:
How many gunny sacks and one way tickets do you think it will buy?

Diane:
It's nice to know you draw the line somewhere.

Sam:
There are three types of women I don't get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.

Norm:
[to Cliff] He's added one.

Carla:
You know I don't ask for much in this life; fresh fish, ten cents off on laundry detergent, volcanic boils all over my ex-husband, and the Sox in the Series again before I die.

Sam:
Coach, I'm gonna be blunt with you. Her friend's cute and all that, but she doesn't have what I'm lookin' for in a woman.

Diane:
What's that? Break-away clothes?

Sam:
You heard from Irene?

Coach:
Well not for awhile but you're not supposed to see the bride before the ceremony anyway. Are you?

Sam:
No, but you're supposed to know whether or not she's in the country at least.

Cliff:
[about women] They're only good for one thing.

Carla:
And for you, not even that.

Hester Crane:
[referring to Diane] I understand you used to date that woman.

Sam:
That's right.

Hester:
How much would it take to start things up again?

Sam:
You don't have enough money.

Hester:
How do you know?

Sam:
There isn't enough money.

Coach:
What would you say to a nice beer, Normy?

Norm:
Going down?

Carla:
Nick, what the hell do you want?

Nick:
Hey, is that the kind of hello I deserve?

Carla:
No, bend over and I'll give it to you.

Nick:
I need a simple favor.

Carla:
Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, forget it.

Sam:
I just wonder if this whole so-called allergy thing might not be psychosomatic.

Diane:
Sam, I'm very impressed. That's a complex psychological concept coming from a man who who has to write "L" and "R" on the bottom of his shoes.

Sam:
Isn't it interesting that I automatically spring to mind?

Diane:
No. You automatically spring to mind whenever I hear something stupid.

Norm:
Hey, hey, hey... stop laughing at my pal here, huh? This guy had the only dream more ridiculous than mine.

Cliff:
Oh, yeah?

Norm:
A lot more, I might add.

Cliff:
Is that right, Marco Rollo?

Norm:
Hey, I've gotta buy a drink for The Great Cliffini.

Cliff:
Oh, next round is on me for Ferdinand Ma-jelly-belly!

Norm:
Listen to The Flying Rear-end-a!

Cliff:
Oh, is that right, Christopher Colum-butt?

Diane:
[about Carla] She should be over this by now. It's been weeks. I've robbed her of her zest for life.

Sam:
You do have that effect on people.

Diane:
[about Amanda] Maybe I'm being an alarmist. She wouldn't be out if she still had problems.

Carla:
You're out.

Diane:
You can't give her some standard pre-arranged speech you have for dumping women.

Sam:
I do not have a standard pre-arranged speech for dumping women. Come on, every situation is different. For example now the speech I dumped you with will be totally inappropriate.

Diane:
I don't think you dumped me.

Sam:
Well you see that was the beauty of it. Come on give me credit will you, for knowing I couldn't possibly have one speech for every situation.

Cliff:
Yeah, he's got six.

Diane:
Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.

Carla:
There's some things he doesn't know about me.

Diane:
Well a little mystery is good for a marriage. What haven't you told him?

Carla:
Well I haven't been completely honest about my kids.

Diane:
What haven't you told him about your kids?

Carla:
That they live.

Sam:
There are two mysteries going on here. First, Carla's been seeing this very classy guy. Second, your pal has been avoiding you two like the plague. Of course that's the lesser of the two mysteries.

Frasier:
Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished and accomplished men of letters I know dating a common barmaid.

Sam:
You're dating a barmaid.

Frasier:
Well she wasn't a barmaid when I met her.

Sam:
Oh that's right. She was a lunatic.

Carla:
How come you're not going on that fishing trip, Coach?

Coach:
I don't like the smell of them.

Carla:
Yeah, fish stink.

Coach:
No, the guys. Out in that sun all day, stuck in the muck. Who needs it?

[the gang took Frasier on a snipe hunt; he returns and wants them to go out again; Diane takes him into the office]

Diane:
There's no such thing as a snipe hunt. They played a childish prank on you.

Frasier:
I know that.

Diane:
What?

Frasier:
Good Lord, Diane. A man does not crouch in the woods for two hours without having a revelation or two.

Diane:
So this is part of a plan and I unwittingly helped you.

Frasier:
Yes.

Diane:
Frasier, how devious. But, why didn't you tell me?

Frasier:
Well, I couldn't trust you; you'd have thought it was too cruel.

Diane:
Oh, are you kidding? I would've helped. Frasier, this is so unlike you.

Frasier:
No, but it's what guys do, darling… we screw each other to the wall. Boy, it's great to be one of the gang, I'll tell you.

Diane:
Carla, I don't think you should be engaging in strenuous activity when you're with child.

Carla:
If I didn't do things with child, I'd never leave the house. The only thing I ever did without child resulted in one.

[The guys in the bar are ogling the Playboy models]

Diane:
Oh, this is disgusting. What kind of culture do I live in where they are the ideal woman?

Coach:
Well, gee, Diane. You've gotta admit: they are beautiful.

Diane:
Coach, take away all their make-up, all their expensive haircuts and those bodies... and what have you got?

Carla:
You.

Coach:
[about Sam] I never realized what a brain he is. I study all the time - he sleeps in the classroom. He never takes a note and still he gets the great grades. No wonder he's Miss Purdy's favorite.

Diane:
Miss Purdy?

Coach:
Yeah, our beautiful school-teacher.

Diane:
And Sam is her favorite?

Coach:
Well, uh, I can't say that; but, uh, Sam's the only one I ever saw her kiss.

Diane:
They kiss?

Coach:
Yeah. I saw them smoochin' in the parking lot. I was putting up a notice there on the bulletin board.

Diane:
With probing tongues?

Coach:
No, Diane. With a thumbtack and my thumb.

Diane:
Oh, my God. The thing I feared most has happened.

Carla:
Your Living Bra died of boredom?

Cliff:
As long as I'm carrying this bag there's one thing that will never touch these lips.

Carla:
You mean there's something that wants to?

[To help a sick Cliff, Norm offers to deliver the rest of the mail on Cliff's route]

Cliff:
Ah, Norm, you're not trained. You're not qualified.

Norm:
What qualified? You drop 'em in a slot. A chimp could do it.

Cliff:
You're kiddin', no way. They did a study at the University of Michigan - chimps were 32% slower. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything...

[A "Jacqueline Bisset" is coming to Boston; Sam needs her to marry him to win the bet]

Sam:
I guess I ought to wear something kinda nice - my best outfit. Say, Diane, when you dream about me what am I wearing?

Diane:
An anthill.

Carla:
Hey, wait. I got an idea.

Diane:
You mean you actually conceived something besides a child.

Carla:
Whoa... a bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.

Norm:
Yeah, Cliffy had himself the "Ton O' T-Bone". For less than four bucks you get 24 ounces of USDA Choice "bef".

Cliff:
Bef? No, you mean beef.

Norm:
Beef? Don't be ridiculous, Cliffy. That stuff is "bef". You see it's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic - what - meat-like substance.

Cliff:
Ah, no.

Norm:
What do you expect for four bucks? You see me complainin' about the "loobster"?

Diane:
Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.

Frasier:
Hmm.

Diane:
Hmm, what?

Frasier:
Hmm, this is suspicious. I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.

Diane:
Oh, not this again. It's starting to sound like a broken record.

Frasier:
Oh, now you're saying that I'm redundant, that I repeat myself, that I say things over and over!

Diane:
Nick Tortelli, this is someone with whom you have absolutely nothing in common, my paramour Dr. Frasier Crane.

Nick:
Doctor of what. Can you get any pills?

Frasier:
I'm a psychiatrist. Have we met? You wouldn't, by any chance, be the bogus missing link exhibited at the Amsterdam World's Fair?

Nick:
No, but you're not the first person to ask me.

Nick:
[about Carla being pregnant] Hey you got a guy, Carla?

Carla:
No, I swallowed a beach ball. For your information I am not seeing anybody. But the guy who knocked me up and ran this time is ten times classier than you.

Sam:
What will you have, Norm?

Norm:
Well I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.

Sam:
It looks like beer, Norm.

Norm:
Call me Mr. Lucky.

Norm:
[Commenting on Sam and Diane's former relationship] Hey would you two mind if we move on to something a little more interesting than your star-crossed romance?

Carla:
Come on, Norm. What could be more interesting than another gripping episode of "Young and the Chestless"?

Frasier:
Sam, Diane and I are going to Europe.

Sam:
Europe? Overseas?

Diane:
Well we were going to go to the local one but it's all booked up.

Sam:
Listen to me. I'm sincere about this, I like you two and I want to see you both happy.

Diane:
Thank you, Sam.

Sam:
After all just because the two of us didn't travel well-

Diane:
When did we ever travel?

Sam:
Are you kidding me? We went through hell together.

Diane:
Well it helps that you knew the language.

Sam:
Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalogue day?

Cliff:
And that's not all, Spiegel's catalogue came out the same day. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.

Diane:
Oh, Frasier, a letter from Cheers. No, wait... it's a Lillian Huxley's resume and a note: "Ha, ha! You're out of here forever!" Always nice to hear from Carla.

Cliff:
There's a lovely young thing. Perhaps I should just go and make my move.

Carla:
Yeah go ahead and faint.

Diane:
I'm sorry, Sam. What was I saying?

Sam:
You don't know either? We gotta have a rule around here-when you speak at least one of us has gotta be listening.

Cliff:
I hate answering machines. I never know what to say to them.

Carla:
Gee and you're such a whiz with people.

Sam:
Well do you think I should go through with this?

Norm:
I think that you and Diane are lovely special people, Sam. Alone. Separately. You know individual. Together frankly, you stink. To the casual observer you're running off to Italy would have to seem stupid beyond reason.

Sam:
I'm goin'.

Norm:
That's what I'd do.