Chef!, Series Three (1996)

Gareth:
Everybody, this is Reeny.

Renée:
Renée.

Gareth:
I'm sorry?

Renée:
It's not Reeny; is Renée. There's an accent above the second E. Renée.

Gareth:
I see. What a faux-pas.

Renée:
That's alright, it's an easy mistake to have made but it's Renée.

Gareth:
And I expect you really hate being called Reeny.

Renée:
Loath it. My friends at finishing school used to tease me about it all the time.

Gareth:
I see. How awful for you. I do apologise.

Renée:
Apology accepted.

Gareth:
Everybody this is...you sure this is ok?

Renée:
Yes, fine.

Gareth:
This is Reeny. Reeny is going to be helping us out here in the kitchen. En't that right, lass? Reeny will in time, no doubt, become a valued member of the kitchen staff, but seeing as Reeny is not as yet experienced, I want you to make sure Reeny learns the ropes as I'm sure she wants to. Eee, there's nowt so funny as folk, en't that right, Reeny?

Gareth:
Janice, don't hang up. I just want to say I miss you and I love and I want to feel your body next to mine, I want to make love to you, I want to lick chocolate from all over your body I... Is this 712494? No wait, don't hang up. Do you deliver?

Gareth:
Die! Coins of evil! Die!

Cyril:
She's got lots of good qualities.

Gareth:
Like?

Cyril:
Well...She's ever so pretty.

Gareth:
Do you know I was forgetting the prettiness factor? Yes, I remember when Gustav started working here. It wasn't that he was a great chef and he'd worked in some of the finest kitchens in the world. Oh no. We wanted him because he was so bloody pretty!

Cyril:
But he's ugly.

Gareth:
Ahh!

CyrilAlright, keep yer hair on son. [leaves]

Gareth:
I am not your son. I will never ever be your son. Cyril, have you got 50p? Cyril? Dad?

[Gareth starts clicking his fingers at two rude customers]

Gareth:
You know, I can't decide what this is. Either you're being very rude in gaining my attention or you're auditioning for a part in West Side Story or you're being very rude in trying to gain my attention.

[Gareth and Janice have ended up in bed with a little help from a Barry White LP]

Barry White:
[The record is stuck] I love you baby, I love you baby, I love you baby, I love you baby.

[Gareth stops record]

Gareth:
Thanks, Barry.

Gareth:
It's a letter from my father. He's coming to visit.

Everton:
Oh, is he? How is he?

Gareth:
As gittish as ever. In fact, if there was a Hall of Fame for Gits, my father would be revered as the gold-plated, gilt-edged git god of all time. I loathe him more than Gary Rhodes's hair cut.

Everton:
You're not still vexed with him, are you, Chef?

Gareth:
Vexed? Everton, when I was ten years old my father went round the corner to buy a newspaper. He never came back.

Everton:
It's a shame you're gonna have to tell your Dad about you and Janice splitting up.

Gareth:
Nah, not at all. We'll just have one of those intimate father-son moments where I break down and confess all, and he takes me in his broad, fatherly arms and says comforting things like: (Jamaican accent) "Heh heh heh, you finally cocked things up this time, ain't it? I tell you that girl was too hoity-toity for you. But you wouldn't listen. Well, she hoity-toity all the way out the front door now! Heh heh heh!"

Gareth:
She was kissing a man. We're talking first degree snogging here Cyril.

[Cyril enters the kitchen with flowers, which Gareth decapitates]

Gareth:
I'm not a cruel man, Cyril.

Cyril:
Yes, you are.

Gareth:
Sometimes, one needs to get ones point across in a short space of time. Cyril, Savannah does not want to be and never will be your Valentine, your sweetheart or your squidgy love bundle.

Cyril:
But we snogged.