Columbo, Season Two

Lt. Columbo:
I can't imagine anyone murdering themselves, especially a young girl like that. Beautiful eyes. But that's me. I'd like to see everyone die of old age.

Lt. Columbo:
Anyway, I happened to be in the neighborhood today. That's not true. I really came out here to see you. I don't want to appear presumptious.

Lt. Columbo:
Anyway, what I was going to ask you is this-how much do you make?

Alex Benedict:
I uh, I think that is very impertinent, how much do I make.

Lt. Columbo:
Tours?

Alex Benedict:
I don't know.

Lt. Columbo:
Concerts?

Alex Benedict:
I don't know.

Lt. Columbo:
Publishing?

Alex Benedict:
I don't know.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, et cetera, et cetera. I make $11,000 a year. So at $11,000 a year, I got $750,000 for the house, $18,000 in taxes, 200 in furniture. How much help do you have?

Alex Benedict:
I have five including the gardener.

Lt. Columbo:
You got that and the money plus, plus, plus. 11,000 times 10 years, 110,000. 110,000 times 100 years is 1.1 million. Well, let's say 900,000. That's 90 years work for me just to live here, without eating.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, listen, just one more thing. Uh. I know you don't agree but at least I've convinced my superiors that Jennifer Welles was murdered. It was not a suicide and they've officially assigned me to the case. That's my specialty, you know. Homicide.

Lt. Columbo:
Listen Paul, do you happen to know the name of the other guy?

Paul Rifkin:
I never asked.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, sure. I mean, why would a guy ask his girl the name of the other man.

Lt. Columbo:
[looking at film, calls to projectionist] Freeze! [points to screen] There's the flower! Now that's plain as day! Where did it come from?

Alex Benedict:
I don't know. What difference does it make?

Lt. Columbo:
Well, on the tape at the concert you weren't wearing a flower. Now on this film coming out of Miss Well's apartment, you have a flower. Where did it come from?

Alex Benedict:
Are you actually trying to pin this murder on me with, with that?

Lt. Columbo:
Yes.

Lt. Columbo:
You see that?

Jarvis Goodland:
What is it?

Lt. Columbo:
Third bullet. Also a 32-caliber and also proven by Ballistics to have been fired by the same weapon that fired the first two bullets. Mr. Goodland, I just don't know how you're gonna explain this.

Gloria:
Look, I mean I said he wasn't a very strong person. But then who is? I mean, look at me. I eat carbohydrates all the time.

Sgt. Wilson:
I asked permission from Captain Richey to work right along side you, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
[dismayed] You're going to work along with me?

Sgt. Wilson:
I do hope that's acceptable to you, sir. Uh, Captain Richey did say you were fast becoming [pause] a legend in the department.

Lt. Columbo:
Captain Richey said that?

Sgt. Wilson:
Oh yes, indeed.

Lt. Columbo:
[pleased] Oh.

Lt. Columbo:
It's a little... steep. But I'll tell ya, it was the quickest way down.

Sgt. Wilson:
Oh, by far, sir.

Sgt. Wilson:
Lieutenant-- Lieutenant? As you probably noticed, there are 3 cups, 3 plates, 3 different brands of cigarettes. That means there were two persons here besides the victim. That's obvious.

Lt. Columbo:
Yeah. Awfully obvious.

Sgt. Wilson:
Did you ever see one of these before, Lieutentant?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, no, not sure I have. Looks kind of familiar, though.

Sgt. Wilson:
It's a camera mounted starlight scope. They use them quite a bit at Burglary for night work.

Lt. Columbo:
You mean that takes pictures in the dark?

Sgt. Wilson:
[nods] I bought this one myself.

Lt. Columbo:
You used your own money?

Sgt. Wilson:
Well, I wanted to have the best equipment for the job, sir.

Lt. Columbo:
You must be a bachelor.

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, sir?

Walter Cunnell:
Yes?

Lt. Columbo:
You don't mind if I ask you a personal question, do you?

Walter Cunnell:
No.

Lt. Columbo:
What'd you pay for those shoes?

Walter Cunnell:
I think about 60 dollars.

Lt. Columbo:
I stepped into some water yesterday and ruined mine. You don't know where I could find a pair that looks like that for around 16 or 17?

Walter Cunnell:
16 or 17? Sorry, I don't really, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you.

Paul Hanlon:
Columbo, I'm trying to watch this game! What is it?

Lt. Columbo:
You know, you did the same thing the first time I came in here last Sunday. I guess that's what started me wondering.

Paul Hanlon:
I did what?

Lt. Columbo:
You turned the radio down but not quite off. When I told you that Eric Wagner was dead. It's alright. I do the same thing. You know, when I'm listening to the game and my wife interrupts, I can't help myself. I want to hear that game and I don't care how the important the interruption.

Paul Hanlon:
[annoyed] Your wife has my sympathy.

Paul Hanlon:
[yelling] Columbo, I'm going to throw you out of here on your ear!

Lt. Columbo:
I wouldn't do that, sir. I mean, you'll miss the best part. You see, I'm not finished.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, I listened to this thing I can't tell ya how many times, over and over again, figuring maybe I'd hear something that shouldn't be there, some sound that shouldn't be there, an ambulance, a fire truck, like you were in a phone booth, something...

Paul Hanlon:
[impatiently] But you didn't because it isn't there. I made the call from this booth, from that phone.

Lt. Columbo:
Then it suddenly occurred to me. I had it backwards. Maybe there was a sound that should be there and wasn't.

Lt. Columbo:
Is that Big Ben?

Superintendent Durke:
Yes, it is.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, look at that, a big clock like that and it´s only a minute slow.

Lt. Columbo:
I just never have seen anything like you. Like that performance you both just gave...

Nicholas Frame:
Thank you. I didn't mean to be nasty, old boy. No hard feelings?

Lt. Columbo:
And you both must be exhausted. I don't know how you do it.

Lilian Stanhope:
With innocent, loving hearts. Good night, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, whatever it is, it sure must be most unusual. Uh, the reason I say that is because, you know, when my wife and I try to remember what happened yesterday or the day before, well, we don't agree on anything. And you two, you not only agree, you use almost the exact same words to tell about it. [pauses to let his words sink in] Good night.

Lt. Columbo:
Marvelous. Let me tell ya, I don't want to repeat myself but the other night when I saw that performance that you two--

Nicholas Frame:
Durk, would you please explain what we're doing here.

Superintendent Durk:
[indicating Columbo] Why don't you ask the tour guide?

Lt. Columbo:
[Nora has exchanged Columbo's tie with an attractive gold one] Yeah, I was thinking. Uh, I've got an anniversary coming up next week. I wonder if I could have that back and save this for a special occasion.

Nora Chandler:
Sure, here. Why don't you get your wife to take you on a shopping tour for your anniversary, huh? Take a look at [looking down his body] some suits, some shirts, slacks, socks, shoes...

Mr. Fallen:
Actors, Lieutenant. Take my advice. Avoid actors. They'll kill ya.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, thanks Mr. Fallen. I'll be sure to tell your boss I appreciate your hospitality.

Mr. Fallen:
I AM the boss.

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, gee. You know it never occurred to me. I mean anybody so young--

Mr. Fallen:
It's alright. I would never typecast you as a detective either.

Lt. Columbo:
September 16, 1960. That was the day you ordered the fountain.

Nora Chandler:
Well, I don't remember the exact day.

Lt. Columbo:
September 15, the day before. That was the day your husband disappeared. Now it starts to make some sense. I have a possible explanation for why the fountain doesn't run. In order to lay water pipe somebody would have to dig up the lawn, wouldn't they?

Lt. Columbo:
You were both nurses, is that right?

Marsha Talbot:
Yes, but Sharon always was devoted to healing. She always worked in hospitals. Myself, I work in Beverly Hills for a plastic surgeon because I selfishly enjoy being with middle to upper middle class people. However, I don't meet any single men unless they're ready for face lifts.

Lt. Columbo:
You know, in a way I have to congratulate you. Up until now, you really had me going. I mean, here you are, you're a surgeon, a man that's gotta be cool. Even when you're angry you're controlled. You never lose yourself. That's why it struck me funny when you blew up in the operating room and you grabbed me and pushed me. I mean, you know, there was only one thing we didn't search. You know what it was? It was me.

Lt. Columbo:
It certainly looks like it's one on me, doesn't it? You know, I really believed it all fit together. All the pieces, everything. The killing of the nurse, everything. Well, it goes to show you, Doc, maybe I've been at this job too long. Okay. You win. You're finally rid of me.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
You'll be alright, Lieutenant. I'm sure you'll find others to harass.

Lt. Columbo:
Because that would explain why Miss Martin was so bothered after the operation and it would explain why she wanted to see the chemist at the company that made the suture. That's murder. That certainly is. No question about it.

[Dr. Mayfield starts laughing]

Lt. Columbo:
What's so funny?

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Excuse me, Lieutenant. I had to play it as though you were serious. You don't really believe all those foolish things you say, do you?

Lt. Columbo:
[angrily slams carafe down on desk] I believe you killed Sharon Martin and I believe you're trying to kill Dr. Hidemann.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Lt. Columbo, you're remarkable. You have intelligence. You have perception. You have great tenacity. You've got everything except proof.

Lt. Columbo:
I want you to take good care of Dr. Hidemann because if he dies we're going to have to have an autopsy, aren't we? I mean, we're going to have to know whether a heart attack killed him or rather it was just a dissolving suture.

Dr. Barry Mayfield:
Maybe Marcia knows more than she's telling

Lt. Columbo:
Oh, actually I think she knows less than she's telling.

Mazoor Berozski:
[after discovering that the toothbrush in Dudek's suitcase is not his but his roommate's] Lieutenant, then Tomlin Dudek could not have packed his own suitcase.

Lt. Columbo:
That's what I was trying to get around to, sir, yes. And if somebody else packed it who didn't know that he wore dentures then--

Mazoor Berozski:
Then his accident was not an accident!

Lt. Columbo:
I, uh, thought you'd like to know, sir, that, uh, I think that is a possibility, yes sir.

Emmett Clayton:
Well, chess is the ultimate test of the human mind, isn't it?

Tomlin Dudek:
You think so? I always thought it was women.

Lt. Columbo:
The murderer just had to be a deaf man.

Lt. Columbo:
[walking through a casino] How long has this been going on?

Dexter Paris:
First time in Vegas, huh?

Lt. Columbo:
Uh, we were supposed to come down two years ago but my wife switched sides and voted with my in-laws. We ended up in Animal Land. It was nothing like this.

Dexter Paris:
When I talked to my brother Norman, I did tell him that Hathaway and Lisa Chambers were going to meet at 5:00.

Lt. Columbo:
You did?

Dexter Paris:
Yeah. Well, well, good ol' Norman, my banker brother. I'm sure he won't admit that I told him.

Lt. Columbo:
I would tend to agree with that, yes.

Lt. Columbo:
It's a shame that two brothers don't get along like that.

Michael Hathaway:
Which one of them do you suspect?

Lt. Columbo:
I beg your pardon?

Michael Hathaway:
[laughs] Come now, Lieutenant.

Lt. Columbo:
Well, sir, the trouble there is it seems to me they both have pretty good motives. I'm very big on motive.

Lt. Columbo:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Peck, but I think this time they needed each other so much that they both did something very bad.

Mrs. Peck:
Bum! You are a bum! Putting your stinking cigar butt in this silver antique dish! [showing dish to lawyer] You see this!

Lt. Columbo:
I thought it was an ashtray. I have one at home that looks exactly like that.

Lt. Columbo:
Mrs. Peck? Mrs. Peck, I made a very poor introduction of myself to you. I know that. I'm a stranger in your house that you love and I'm here to do something that's not very pleasant so I don't expect you to like me. But I have feelings too, Mrs. Peck. Now I'm sorry about being untidy. That's something that I can't control. That's a fault of mine that I, I, I don't know, I just can't correct that. I've tried many years. I'm just very untidy, that's my nature. But I've never been un-, I've never been rude to you, Mrs. Peck. And, and if you keep on treating me like an enemy just because I'm here trying to find who killed the man you worked for for 33 years, well, then, well then I think you're a very unfair person. [leaves]

Mrs. Peck:
Lt. Columbo! [Columbo returns] I know that you're a very hard-working officer and I would like to offer you a plate of Mr. Paris's favorite health cookies and a glass of milk.

Lt. Columbo:
Thank you. I'm extremely fond of health cookies.