Corner Gas, Season 5

Emma:
So whaddya think?

Oscar:
I dunno. Where's the gotcha? Where's the water cooler? Maybe if you had an ostrich. You don't talk about it, it's just there. Ostrich. Think about it.

Hank:
Yeah-ah, I got this friend, who egged a cable van.

Peggy:
We only take questions about pets.

Hank:
[Pause] I have this pet, who egged a cable van...

Davis:
Do you have to have your top button done up when you talk to him?

Karen:
What are you saying?

Davis:
I'm just sayin' would it kill ya to flirt with him?

Karen:
Um, yeah!

Lacey:
So...you know the log? Was that fire real or was it added digitally?

Cable guy:
Oh, it's real. But here's the crazy thing about that log...it was shot...in July.

Brent:
Are there birds in here?

Wanda:
It's the phone.

Brent:
Are there birds in the phone?

Wanda:
Hey Olivia, the new comics are in.

Hank:
Oh thanks. Olivia?

Wanda:
Newton-John? Let's get physical?

Hank:
Oh no, not right now, I'm about to work out.

Karen:
Hey, how did you know I forgot my wallet?

Wanda:
I...saw it in your eyes...you look wallet-less.

Oscar:
The world's a dirty place Lacey. Things happen. Things you don't want to know about. Money changes hands; people look the other way; cats go missing.

Oscar:
Hey, let's have eggs in bed. And don't bother scrambling them; we'll get the bed to do it.

Oscar:
(Writing a letter) Dear Slumbermatic Bed People. I have been having the best sleeps because of your bed. I'm sure I'm not alone in saying this, but setting nine is my favourite. (Knocking at the door) Come in! Oh, I guess I should say that out loud... Gotta go, my soup is here. PS: It's tomato.

Wanda:
Hey Brent, you hear your parents are splitsville?

Brent:
I got real problems. Check this out, they made my shirt the wrong colour.

Wanda:
(In Emma's garden after drinking Haywire, an energy drink she considers a scam, but tasty) I like working outside Brent! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the sky is bleeding and the grass is screaming!

Emma:
There are people starving in Afri...China.

Oscar:
Did you see that? A mouse just ran across here it was as big as a gopher.

Hank:
If it was as big as a gopher you know what it might've been.

Oscar:
It wasn't a gopher.

Hank:
I was gonna say squirrel.

Emma:
First you take three dollops of goop and spread it evenly.

Wanda:
It's burning!

Emma:
The warmth means it's working.

Wanda:
I didn't say warmth. It feels like you're welding my spine.

Emma:
That also means it's working.

Karen:
What do the red blotches mean?

Emma:
It means it's time to shut up.

Wanda:
There's blotches?

Karen:
No, now your whole back is red.

Wanda:
(turns around with her face completely red)Ow. Now it's really burning. My skin is on fire.

Emma:
I'm glad that's not me.

Wanda:
Do me a favor put your neck between my hands.

Oscar:
It's not a sex bench! It's a make-out bench. And it's not a make-out bench!

Brent:
Whatever you say, Hef.

Oscar:
I was walking downtown, and what should I see? But Brent Leroy's Corner Gas tree!

Brent:
So you wrote a poem about it?

Lacey:
Wow. That is a great-looking cake.

Emma:
Chocolate double chocolate with chocolate icing. I've been serving it to Brent for 39 years.

Lacey:
You fed Brent cake when he was one?

Emma:
Well, that's how we got him to walk.

Davis:
No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great.

Davis:
Wanda is a scared! Wanda is a scared!

Oscar:
Walter has a beard! Walter Has a beard!

Oscar:
Hi, I'm Oscar Leroy and my show is called 'Not Peggy's Stupid Pets!'

Brent:
So, what's your show about?

Oscar:
Well, I'll tell you what it's not about. It's not about Peggy. It's not about pets, and it's not stupid! Got that jackass?

Hank:
Hey my knitters!