CSI: Miami, Season 3

Horatio:
Fraud, theft, embezzlement...

Yelina:
Look at the victims, rich men in their 50's and 60's.

Horatio:
Broke their hearts... then broke their bank accounts.

Speed:
This car is just a bad investment, I'm just happy I have my bike.

Horatio:
Someday you may need something with doors.

Speed:
Well, I got plenty of time for that.

Calleigh:
Alright which one of you stole my crime light?

Speed:
Stole is...is very negative I...I had borrowed it and uh I re...I placed it I put it back.

Calleigh:
Well it would have been nice if you would have charged it first. I was at the scene and it flat lined.

Delko:
Sounds like she's mad at you.

Speed:
Calleigh I sincerely apologize.

Calleigh:
Apology accepted give me yours.

Speed:
Go ahead its in my kit. [Calleigh Leaves, To Eric] I hope she doesn't need her sodium-resinate.

[Tripp and Eric investigate a speedboat drive-by.]

Tripp:
Someone was getting busy, must be at least 30 cartridges down there.

Eric:
Yeah, all 9-millimeter, the guy thought he was Tony Montana.

Tripp:
You're under arrest, Slick.

Horatio:
Byron, have a nice stay.

Horatio:
[About the speedboat shooting] Drive-by. Miami style.

Calleigh:
You're crazy, you know that?

Ryan:
What? For taking the initiative?

Calleigh:
You could have been gator bait on your first day.

Ryan:
I sacrificed my lunch, please, just...remember that.

[Horatio nails down a suspect.]

Horatio:
Claudia has a defense, Claudia...is insane. You...are a liar and now a killer. For you that adds up to life, times one...two...And three.

Claudia:
I love him, I'd die for him.

Horatio:
Yes, but...would you kill for him?

Calleigh:
My dad's come to turn himself in, I was thinking Detective Tripp would be best.

Kenwall Duquesne:
My car was involved in an incident last night.

Horatio:
Is the Scotch on your breath related to that incident?

Calleigh:
My dad took a drink to calm his nerves before he came in, I witnessed it.

Horatio:
So the blood-alcohol test is not going to help us, then? You do realize you're riding the line on this, right?

Alexx:
We'd have a better chance of finding what isn't broken in this girl. Poor baby, both arms shattered, torso twisted like a corkscrew.

Calleigh:
[After Ryan extracts glass off of her father's jacket.] You didn't tell me there was any broken glass in the car.

Ryan:
What I told you was that I wasn't finished.

Calleigh:
Take another one.

Kenwall Duquesne:
What?! That's what got me here in the first place, Calleigh!

Calleigh:
You came to me for help, I'm offering you help, take another drink!

Alexx:
What are the odds, huh? 100 people throw golf balls at the site of the death.

Horatio:
Those odds are very slim, so the question becomes, was the mob sent to draw us to the crime scene or to destroy it?

Horatio:
You have an ID on him, Alexx?

Alexx:
No, not yet, I know he died with an empty stomach and a full bladder, strong smell of alcohol.

Horatio:
Respiratory failure.

Alexx:
Wouldn't be the first one to drink himself to death.

Yelina:
I ran those credit cards, looks like Madonna Arias charged $500 dollars worth of gas since yesterday.

Horatio:
That's an interesting ability for a dead woman.

Suspect:
"You're a dead man" is just an expression.

Eric:
No, legally, it's a threat.

Calleigh:
Do you think the parents have any idea that they're paying for their kids to have sex with teachers and buy their grades?

Eric:
I don't know, but it makes me realize what an angel I was.

Justin:
Stephanie, if I knew it was you, I would have never...

Stephanie:
Yes, you would, that's why I've always liked you, Justin...you're honest.

[About the peacocks at Donny's place]

Yelina:
These are guard dogs.

Horatio:
Yup, with feathers.

Brooks:
You'd be surprised about how aware these kids are about their rights.

Horatio:
No, I wouldn't.

Calleigh:
Martin Gillespie is one of Miami's best defense attorneys.

Eric:
That would explain why his son's answers were so smooth.

Calleigh:
And why our job just got a lot harder!

[Ryan tries to get a DNA sample from a possible suspect.]

Venus:
So serious. That's hot.

Ryan:
Open your mouth.

Venus:
Guys usually say please.

Ryan:
What's the name of the Buckeye State?

Venus:
What's a buckeye?

Ryan:
Say Ohio.

Venus:
Ohi-- [Ryan quickly swabs her cheek]...that's hot.

Ryan:
Oh, you've got an alibi.

Ryan:
[to Calleigh] He's got an alibi.

Calleigh:
We love alibis.

Calleigh:
There's a morals clause in there that says if you stay clean and sober until you're 21, you get this. [She shows the rich, spoiled suspect a picture of a small island] Breakwater Key.

Ryan:
That's a whole island, isn't it? Wow. My parents are leaving me their lawnmower.

Ryan:
I took this criminalist seminar-- Evaluating Evidence-- The visiting lecturer said that the CSI's job is to think outside the box. Sometimes the best tool is the stud attached to your earring, she said... Those are nice earrings, by the way.

Calleigh:
You took my class. [She smiles]

Peters:
...But the drops you saw on her dress: cranberry juice, vodka and some trace of citrus.

Calleigh:
If I'm not mistaken, that's a Cosmopolitan.

Ryan:
Total chick drink.

[Calleigh mock-glares at him]

Calleigh:
There was only one chick on our stall door list.

Ryan:
[Goes glassy-eyed, imitating the airhead] That's hot.

Eric:
There's a lot more than oil on these sheets.

Horatio:
Are you running a prostitution ring here, Tommy?

Horatio:
You know, I'm confused, why did he attack you?

Suspect:
If you find out, let me know.

Horatio:
That'll be easy...Because you're going to be in a holding cell.

Calleigh:
So I hear women and men use the same bathrooms in this place.

Ryan:
Everything but going to the bathrooms; Homicide said there were no less than 8 parties having sex in the stalls.

Calleigh:
What ever happened to "get a room"?

Hungarian Girl:
Good America or bad America?

Horatio:
Good America.

Horatio:
[About the victim, an 18-year-old undercover ABC agent aide.] Aren't there special agents that are designed to supervise these people?

Ms. Eckhart, from ABC:
We are a little understaffed at the moment...budget cuts.

Horatio:
And that's what you want me to tell her parents? Budget cuts?

[Calleigh and Ryan just starting the interrogation of a suspect.]

Venus:
Can we do this later? I have a facial.

Calleigh:
We have a murder.

Ryan:
Knife missing from this block could be our murder weapon.

Alexx:
[Sarcastically] Nice work, Ryan. Think you may have cracked the case.

Ryan:
Thanks. I have a keen grasp of the obvious.

[Ryan lifts a hair from the victim.]

Ryan:
The killer may have been short in stature, well groomed and... possibly Persian... although he may have had a hard time lifting the cleaver with his paws.

Alexx:
Cat hair?

Ryan:
Even killers have pets.

Calleigh:
Find anything?

Horatio:
Actually, it's the absence of something that's interesting.

Rebecca Nevins:
Exonerating evidence? Didn't know you had any...

Horatio:
Stick around. I'm full of surprises.

Tripp:
The jury was in one week of deliberations.

Horatio:
No need now. The verdict is in.

Horatio:
[To Stetler about Yelina]: If you ever touch her again, I'm going to kill you.

Horatio:
Frank, take a look at this bullet, 5.7 28mm, not from this gun.

Tripp:
That's a monster caliber, it could penetrate up to 48 layers of Kevlar. Something tells me this guy was planning something big.

Horatio:
And not alone... Frank, it turns out the wave is not the only thing about to hit Miami.

Eric:
Shooting at his own guy?

Calleigh:
The robbers turned on each other. It's not a team I'd want to be on...

Horatio:
I guess you kill people when they lose their value, hmm?

Riddick:
Law of the jungle, boss!

Horatio:
That's going to come in handy where you're going...

[About the bank vault that was robbed.]

Eric:
Half the millionaires in Latin America probably use this place.

Tripp:
There are a lot fewer millionaires now than there were this morning...

Ryan:
(Walking into the ME exam room as Alexx performs a post) Alexx... He doesn't have a head. Where'd the head go?

Ryan:
I've observed autopsies before, once, as a student through the glass.

Alexx:
Then step right up.

Female Suspect:
[About being scratched.] I have a cat, that's how they show affection.

Tripp:
Pick up any habits from them?

Horatio:
Hang on, there's a problem. Take a look at that address.

Calleigh:
1126 Charthouse Drive, it's in the Grove.

Horatio:
Miami Beach Cafe, which is right on the water, is at 1020 Charthouse, right? So 1126 would probably make his front door out in the Atlantic, wouldn't it?

Tripp:
[sees spider crawl out of dead man's mouth] Bluh. I'm never eating shellfish again.

Horatio:
Maybe dead men do tell tales.

[Calleigh has a warrant to pump Brian's stomach for human flesh]

Brian:
You're crazy! you think this is going to bring Chip back?

Calleigh:
Maybe a part of him?

Alexx:
So, this is what a pirate looks like?

Horatio:
You were expecting an eye patch?

Alexx:
Maybe a shoulder parrot.

[Horatio and Tripp find a boat smugling RPG launchers.]

Tripp:
That's great, we've got one empty case here and 10 full ones out there.

Horatio:
The streets of Miami just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Darryl:
I've got nothing to say.

Yelina:
Thats very interesting since we haven't asked you any questions yet.

Horatio:
(To Darryl) O.K, let's start with what happened to your eye partner.

Darryl:
I tripped and fell

Horatio:
Onto a rocket launcher?

Yelina:
How 'bout you answer our questions?

Darryl:
[mocking her accent] How 'bout yoo learn to speak eenglish?

Horatio:
Darryl...

Darryl:
I'm not answering questions for some Puerto Rico cop.

Horatio:
Darryl- that is Det. Salas, and she is attempting to give you a chance, but you are too stupid to use it.

Eric:
We'll start by confiscating your computers: hunting down your E-mail contacts. And then track your credit card purchases, club memberships, magazine subscriptions... Everything we need to do until all of you are rooted out. Because we never close!

Horatio:
Ever!

Horatio:
You, my friend, just went from selling cars...to making license plates.

Horatio:
You were waiting by the phone, Rick?

Stetler:
Delko's our only witness, I got questions.

Horatio:
Fair enough, but make it quick, Eric has a real job.

Calleigh:
Hey, Alexx, I need an unbiased opinion.

Alexx:
Ha! Ha! People only say that when they already know the answer and they're shopping for someone to agree with them.

Calleigh:
You are very smart.

Alexx:
That much I know, honey.

Alexx:
This man didn't fall, someone fell on him.

Yelina:
All right, so where's the guy who crushed him?

Alexx:
You don't fall three stories to get up and run away.

Horatio:
You do if you've got something to hide.

[Horatio believes Stetler hit Yelina.]

Stetler:
Escalating force with an unarmed subject is always questionable...

Horatio:
Yes, especially with a woman. Right, Rick?

Stetler:
There is no woman in this case.

Horatio:
There is always a woman in the case, and you know what I'm talking about!

Ryan:
You know, Mathis may have made our jobs easier, he's OCD.

Eric:
[Grins.] Sounds like someone I know. So where would you keep a nitrous oxide canister?

Ryan:
[Thinks for a moment, looks in a shoe box, where he finds it.] Bingo!

Eric:
Twisted minds think alike.

Calleigh:
You know, the truth was there the whole time, if you had bothered to investigate...

Stetler:
You don't know my job.

Calleigh:
Lucky for you, I know mine.

Horatio:
Yes, well, rule number one: never mess with Calleigh Duquesne, Rick!

[Talking to an AA group visiting the morgue, showing them a car crash victim, Glen Monroe.]

Alexx:
He chose to drink and drive, so you remember Glen Monroe, and deal with your problem before you make it mine.

[Horatio and Ryan go through some evidence.]

Horatio:
What about Sal's tie?

Ryan:
Nope, nothing.

Horatio:
What about inside Sal's tie?

[Horatio grabs a scalpel and cuts the tie open. There's blood inside.]

Ryan:
Horatio, I, mmm... didn't know... I don't know what to say.

Horatio:
Not to worry, that's Sal's job now.

Suspect:
I didn't kill my brother's wife.

Horatio:
Then why do you look so guilty?

Calleigh:
Guy forces a couple on a ride, crashes the car, kills the woman, leaves the money. That doesn't sound like any car-jacking I've ever heard of.

Horatio:
Join the club.

Horatio:
You know, even the best of families have bad apples.

Morgan Coleman:
And the rest of us pay...

Alexx:
Drunk drivers bend. They don't break...

Ryan:
Y'know back in Patrol we would call something like that 'hinky'

Calleigh:
You know what, Ryan? CSI still does.

Calleigh:
Why would Ana Garcia willingly give us the murder weapon?.

Eric:
Either she doesn't know or she's a great actress. She claimed she was just making the bed.

Calleigh:
Well, I guess now she's going to have to lay in it.

Horatio:
So you're admitting you killed Calvin?

Gang Member:
You know my homeboy, Hector, he wanted a chance, just got jumped in... he wanted his first. I said go ahead, unfortunately homeboy was a bad shot. I took a murderer off the streets, man, just like you. Case closed, Ese.

Horatio:
How civic-minded of you.

Horatio:
[To a gang member.] ...two dead, four injured, a phone call you made produced quite a hefty body count and, in my world, that's called accessory to felony murder.

Yelina:
...collateral damage, gang shoot-outs usually go down in the streets in their own territories. This time, it was in a public place.

Horatio:
So they brought the war to us... now we're going to take it to them.

Horatio:
Frank, I understand that you and Ramon have some history.

Tripp:
Yeah, I've been arresting this guy since he was about yea-high! You're getting' up there, Ramon. Are you out of your teens yet?

Ramon Morales:
Twenty-one.

Tripp:
Wow! We're talking adult diapers with your crowd. Congrats on still breathing!

Parts Dealer:
A sick dub-deuce like that gets me like ten grand! I'd rather not mess with my client base, if you know what I mean...

Eric:
I imagine most in your "client base" aren't Boy Scouts...

Yelina:
This is my case. I don't need you to tell me how to run it.

Rebecca:
Yours for now, but it's gonna be mine later. Seems like there's a lot of that going around these days.

Calleigh:
So how does a junior homecoming queen end up robbing mini-marts with a guy like Jojo?

Ryan:
Well, some women are just attracted to bad boys.

Calleigh:
[Smiling] Oh, really? Do tell.

Ryan:
Oh, come on, like you've never been tempted... They're dangerous and unpredictable...

Ryan:
Kill a cop in cold blood, steal his gun, that takes some stones.

Horatio:
Mitsubishi, with stolen tags.

Calleigh:
I'm going to put out a broadcast, armed and dangerous.

Horatio:
Yes, and low-profile please.

Calleigh:
How low?

Horatio:
Ground-level.

Calleigh:
Spike-strips!

Ryan:
So what are we going to do with our high-school girl?

Calleigh:
Give her detention.

Ryan:
I think one dead cop is enough anyway.

Jojo:
The day's still young, anything's possible.

Ryan:
Lingerie... makeup... looks like our Catholic schoolgirl had a dark side!

Horatio:
Yes, and getting darker by the moment...

[Alexx finds a piece of penile skin in a victim's mouth]

Eric:
So there was a fight or just bad oral hygiene?

Alexx:
Or just bad oral.

Eric:
No comments.

Tripp:
Tell me again where you mislaid your wife?

Elliott:
Are you trying to bar us?

Horatio:
Put it this way, I can make things very difficult for you.

Elliott:
I won't forget this.

Horatio:
I'm counting on it.

Eric:
They were counterfeiting their way into the American dream.

Calleigh:
I guess they picked the wrong city, didn't they?

Horatio:
Know the bomb, know the bomber.

Calleigh:
Miss Lockhart, this is going to sound strange, but most people have somewhat matching wedding bands. You're wearing an heirloom, his is gold.

Lockhart:
We're married... just not to each other.

Eric:
Could death have been accidental?

Alexx:
Maybe, but to leave a woman the way we found her, you've got to be guilty of something.

Calleigh:
Two bodies, one hotel...any connection?

Tripp:
Saturday during cruise season.

Calleigh:
Say no more.

Tripp:
This time of the year, half the hotels on columns are booked through a cruise line, population of Miami goes up up 30,000 a night.

Horatio:
Just like...our list of suspects.

[Alexx and Eric discover the snake they caught was packed with drugs inside.]

Eric:
So our snake was a mule.

[Horatio and Eric question Clavo Cruz.]

Eric:
A quarantine exception makes it easy to pass anything past customs.

Horatio:
And by anything, Mr. Delko means drugs.

Tripp:
[Talking about the killer snake.] So we know how it found her. How do we find it?

Eric:
Well, unlike humans, snakes don't go far from the scene of a crime.

Tripp:
Delko, what the hell are you doing?

Eric:
[Catching a giant Boa hidden under a sun bed.] Apprehending the suspect.

[Frank questions an inmate about his missing identification wristband.]

Tripp:
Where's your wristband?

Cyrus Everton:
I lost it.

Tripp:
Do I have "stupid" written all over my bald head?

Calleigh:
Excuse me, Calleigh Duquesne with the Crime Lab. What's in the bags, Mr. Walsh?

Sean:
What else, checks.

Calleigh:
No bodies this time?

Ryan:
Mrs. Townsend, your daughter's charity was for runaway girls... your models are wearing bikinis.

Alexx:
A Virt-topsy?

Horatio:
Yes, a virtual autopsy is not covered in the injunction.

Alexx:
Ha! Any excuse to try something new.

[Ryan notices a vibe when Calleigh and Det. Hagen were talking.]

Ryan:
What was that about?

Calleigh:
Complicated, he's been I.O.D.

Ryan:
I.O.D. What was the problem?

Calleigh:
I don't know, something about a bad back.

Ryan:
[Cynical.] Hmm, yeah, I've heard that one before.

Calleigh:
What's that supposed to mean?

Ryan:
Nothing.

Calleigh:
You can tell me.

Ryan:
[Reluctant.] A couple of guys I knew on patrol, "bad back" meant they couldn't get cleared by the Department shrink.

[Horatio finds Nick Marshall just before he boards a plane.]

Horatio:
You going somewhere, Nick?

Nick:
I'm taking a couple of days off, I thought I'd head out to the Keys.

Horatio:
I think you mean a hop to a Caribbean country with no extradition laws.

Nick:
You just don't quit, do you?

Horatio:
Not in my vocabulary!

[Police cars arrive with sirens, Horatio puts his sunglasses on.]

Horatio:
Hey, Nick, you know that vacation you never got...

Nick:
I created Caitlin Townsend.

Horatio:
Didn't give you the right to destroy her.

[Ryan and Calleigh interrogate a suspect.]

Game Tester:
This job gives me a lot of tension, sometimes I, mmm... self-medicate. Ron's got the best weed, I snagged a blunt while he was in the men's room.

Ryan:
That's an interesting defense.

Alexx:
Lots of old injuries, scarring, queloids...

Eric:
Childhood abuse?

Alexx:
Could be, or could just be part of the "Jackass Generation."

[The victim's missing a foot.]

Eric:
Did you get a T.O.D., or do we need the foot for that too?

Alexx:
Liver temp at the scene puts the boy's death at about 1 am...and if you don't get out of here, you're going to be next...and find me that foot!

Horatio:
Eric, how fast was the vehicle going when it hit the boat?

Yelina:
The guy towing the boat said it was going at least 40.

Eric:
Well, I don't see anything jammed against the accelerator.

Yelina:
Then how did the dead man hit the gas?

Horatio:
With help from the living.

Alexx:
Hello, Maxine. Maxine?

Valera:
Oh, Dr. Woods!

Alexx:
Hi.

Valera:
Hi. Uh, sorry. No one here ever calls me by my first name. Almost forgot I had one.

Horatio:
Mrs. Boone, does your supervisor know that the check you shredded caused a young man to kill somebody?

IRS Agent Boone:
Mmm... No.

[Horatio pulls his cell phone out.]

Horatio:
Surprising... I have your supervisor on speed dial. Do you want to call him... or should I?

[Calleigh and Ryan process a car.]

Ryan:
Ok, I've got semen on the back seat.

Calleigh:
Along with the heels on the ceiling, it stands to reason.

CSI Accounting Tech:
You aware that Al Capone was brought down by an accountant.

Calleigh:
You bragging or d'you have something for me?

Calleigh:
Can you think of anyone who might have especially hated Simon?

IRS Agent Boone:
We're tax collectors, everyone hates us.

Ryan:
There's a lot of blood.

Calleigh:
Two holes in the chest will do that to you.

Father:
[About the Authorities.] You think they even care about "the people" anymore?

Horatio:
Some of us do.

Russell Edge:
She's a liar!

Tripp:
Yeah, well, they all are after we divorce 'em.

Horatio:
That's two in one day.

Tripp:
IRS agents.

Horatio:
That's correct.

Tripp:
Think there's any connection?

Horatio:
It's tax season.

Alexx:
All these sheers and no one saw the murder?

Horatio:
In a place like this, sex and murder might be indistinguishable.

[About reporting Eric's lost badge to IAB.]

Horatio:
Ok, but you've done nothing wrong.

Eric:
Then how come I feel like I'm going to slit my own throat?

Eric [to IAB Rick Stetler] That's a bunch of psychobabble...crap.

Kayle:
Look, I heard about your badge, but I'm not jeopardizing my job helping you find some girl, Delko.

Eric:
Listen, we think the badge could've been used in a murder today.

Kayle:
Like I said, I'll get right on it...so these were at the "scene of the crime"?

Eric:
You could say that.

[The first set of prints matches a man. Joseph gives Eric a look.]

Eric:
Try again.

[Calleigh and Ryan process a bed-murder-scene, they find a white substance on the sheets.]

Ryan:
Biological?

Calleigh:
[Rubbing the substance.] Salty.

Ryan:
I'm not going to say anything.

Calleigh:
Margarita salty.

Calleigh:
Actually, we want you to do it.

Tripp:
You got a broken arm again?

Ryan:
It's, uh, a sticky situation and we need to be above reproach.

Tripp:
All right, but I'm gonna warn you, I hunt and I peck, I don't want anyone breathing down my neck.

Calleigh:
[Smiling.] All right, we won't even exhale until you're done.

[Frank interrogates a suspect who's car crashed with him in it. The man was holding an umbrella.]

Tripp:
I ran into you this morning, literally... then you show up at our little shootout with this.

Suspect:
I have a skin condition, sun's harmful.

Tripp:
So is video surveillance when you're trying to kill someone.

[Frank gets into a car accident and gets a cut on his head.]

Tripp:
Dispatch, we have a code 18, hit and run.

Dispatcher:
Code 18, any victims?

Tripp:
Yeah, there's a victim, me!

Eric:
This guy, he took the expressway--16 stories down.

Horatio:
[assessing a crime scene at a high-school reunion] We have someone who arrived as "Big Man on Campus," and ended up "Dead on Arrival."

[Horatio interrogates a suspect.]

Horatio:
Why, Luis, are you alive and Julio's dead?

Luis:
Hey, I'm cagey, man.

Horatio:
Not cagey, meaningless.

Dan:
People don't plan to fail, but they do fail to plan.

[Eric and Patrol pick up a suspect.]

Eric:
Luis, you've got to change your routine, man.

Luis:
I've done nothing wrong.

Eric:
Yeah, you wake up and you're already wrong. Take him away.

Horatio:
Is my brother, Raymond, still alive?

Agent:
If you keep digging, he won't be.

Yelena:
What are we going to do, Horatio?

Horatio:
Everything we can.

Horatio:
Just because he had help that doesn't mean he's innocent.

Kramer's Lawyer:
Could be enough to move him off Death Row.

Horatio:
Yes...and it could also mean he's about to get company.

Larry Hargrove:
My cousin's not the only tough guy.

Tripp:
There's nothing tough about murder.

Larry Hargrove:
You done it?

Tripp:
Shut up!

[Horatio arrives at Yelina's house as Stetler is leaving]

Stetler [with black eye]:
Horatio! Pleasant surprise!

Horatio:
You'd better not have hurt her!

Stetler:
It'd take a magician! Seems she can take care of herself!

Horatio:
Walk, Rick, and don't come back!

[Horatio and Yelina after Stetler leaves]

Horatio:
So, it looks like you didn't need me after all!

Yelina:
Horatio, you know that's not true!

Raymond Caine Jr. (about Rick Stetler):
I didn't really like him that much.

Horatio:
Well Ray, you've got good judgement.

[Horatio confronts Raymond about his disappearance.]

Horatio:
How does a man allow his wife and son to believe he's dead, Raymond?

Horatio:
This is going to get messy, you deserve to walk away clean... so walk away.

Hagen:
Brother, I'll never be clean.

Calleigh:
I would really love to be friends with you, John.

Hagen:
[Sighs.] The harshest thing a woman can say to a man.

Hagen:
I always wanted to be someone's hero.