Cupid

[Love and relationship therapist Dr. Claire finds the book subject of a lifetime when a man who claims he is Cupid lands on her doorstep.]

Doctor:
They found him brawling with a pimp. It seems the fellow was standing on the corner, offering to find people dates.

Claire:
The pimp?

Doctor:
No, the patient. The pimp took umbrage.

Claire:
Well, naturally you thought of me.

Claire:
I hate to admit this, but love and romance from a scientific standpoint might be a dry well.

Trevor:
It's a Valentine's Day conspiracy. I don't blow my own horn, so, I end up on my wrapping paper, looking like a fat-winged baby.

Trevor:
Never worn a diaper in my life.

Claire:
[Points at self.] Doctor. [Points at Trevor.] Patient. Are we clear?

Trevor:
Yes indeed. It's one of my favorite games ever.

Trevor:
There is a gentleman out there who is hiding ping-pong balls in a place where ... let's just say that I won't be signing up for the tournament.

Trevor:
It's not a job, it's a punishment. It's a hundred couples matched up before I'm allowed back.

Claire:
Back where?

Trevor:
Mount Olympus.

Claire:
Of course.

Trevor:
Hey, you asked.

Claire:
Did you do something wrong?

Trevor:
At the expulsion hearing they yammered on about me relearning my craft, the screwed up state of love and romance, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

Trevor:
A hundred couples, I used to knock that out before lunch.

Claire:
Really.

Trevor:
Yeah.

Claire:
How'd you pull that off?

Trevor:
My bow. My arrow? They're MA-GIC.

Claire:
Do you have those with you now?

Trevor:
At this moment?

Claire:
Yeah. Maybe you can shoot me and I could more fully understand this magic.

Trevor:
Do you see a bow?

Claire:
Olympus. Tell me about it.

Trevor:
Nonstop clothing-optional party, everyone's beautiful, drinking wine, chasing nymphs, an amazing place. You have no idea.

Claire:
I saw Boogie Nights, okay? Neptune. Details.

Trevor:
Gives me a team of oxen and handful of sheep every year for my birthday.

Claire:
Sheep! That's interesting. Not what I meant, though. Hm.

Trevor:
It's not compatibility. It's the chemistry, and the heat!

Claire:
For six months if you're lucky. then it's negotiation, compromise, and friendship.

Trevor:
Then you die.

Trevor 'Cupid' Hale:
Make a move! Get in the game! You gonna get hurt? Have a beautiful train wreck.

Claire:
15 years of training has prepared me to help these people.

Trevor:
And being the Roman god of love for 3000 years had prepared me for what. Desk job at Hallmark?

Claire:
Take a good look around you, Eros. The divorce rate, the personals -- your methodology did not work.

[At a crowded neighborhood bar, a large bully pushes his way between a weedy member of Claire's relationship group and Claire at the bar.]

Bully:
[Cowing the weedy man] Got a problem, buddy? A little something you need to get off your chest? Didn't think so.

Claire:
Small penis. Acting out in public often stems from feelings of sexual inadequacy.

[Bully grabs Claire's face.]

Bully:
You think. Maybe we should test your little theory. See how inadequate I am.

Trevor:
[Approaching] Bad move, brother.

Bully:
Later, pal. We got a budding romance here.

[From behind, Trevor shoves the sharp end of a metal pen up the Bully's nostril and starts to pull.]

Trevor:
You ever watch Fame? You know what I have in common with Bruno, Leroy and Coco? I'm going to live forever. What about you? You going to live forever? See, it would saturate my pleasure gland to rip your skin off and make ponchos for the kids. So keep your paws off my shrink here, because I'm a frustrated taxidermist and I'd love to go deep on you. We on the same team, butter bean?

[Trevor releases the bully, who runs away.]

Claire:
"Fame." You get cable on Mount Olympus?

Trevor:
Omniscience, baby. Look it up.

Woman:
He's kind of sexy.

Claire:
Sexy how?

Woman:
Sexy in that, "I'd like to have sex with him," kind of way.

Claire:
No he's not.

Trevor:
Do you people know nothing about romance?

Claire:
Ah. The chair recognizes Trevor's id.

Claire:
Why don't you meet me at the Clark Street El stop?

Trevor:
Uh huh. Good. Listen, after that, I want you to take a look at the stain on my ceiling.

Claire:
Trevor.

Trevor:
Don't get all sweaty-palmed on me, snack time. Professional curiosity. The shape. I think it's an abstract representation of innocence lost.

Claire:
Or?

Trevor:
A duckie.

[Claire recruits the assistance of a socially-inept linguist to try to identify Trevor's origins, only to discover her ally is in need of a little help in love.]

Trevor:
I've been thinking.

Claire:
I thought I heard something.

Trevor:
I'm matching up a hundred couples, one at a time. It's taking way too long.

Claire:
Trevor, that is great. Reality poking its head out for the first time. Good for you.

Trevor:
You know what? I've got to think grander. I'm going to start a new religion.

Claire:
Oh, reality just saw its shadow. 6 more weeks of dementia.

Trevor:
Think about it. Sun Myung Moon. marries a hundred couples, right? Considers it an off day.

Claire:
You're forgetting that it took him a lifetime to establish himself as a religious leader.

Trevor:
But I'm a god. I already have a head start!

Claire:
Okay. Poverty, humility, celibacy -- as your psychologist, I have to say it's not your strong suit.

Trevor:
My religion's going to be fun. Cupidians will cruise through the airport with a small cup that says 'keg fund.'

Claire:
"Cupidians?"

Trevor:
Hey, I'll need a high priestess, a woman who embodies the unattainable carnal archetype, a glimpse of heaven for the pilgrims, a nude for stained glass.

Claire:
Oh, rats, here I've got this hoity-toity dinner party tonight, so.

Trevor:
Yeah, well, who was asking. I was only wondering if you could get me in touch with Courtney Love.

Trevor:
I thought your name was Champ.

Champ:
It's a stage name.

Trevor:
You chose that name?

Champ:
Look, stage names if you can't think of one they say you should take the name of your first pet.

Trevor:
There's nothing wrong with Albert.

Champ:
Well, you obviously never grew up black and overweight in America, then.

Trevor:
You don't know that.

Claire:
Well, generally speaking, Lawrence, when a woman leaves something behind, an earring or a purse, let's say, it's not the nesting sign that most men assume it to be. It could mean nothing more than she's forgetful.

Lawrence:
It was her grandmother's china.

Claire:
Oh. You may have a problem.

Trevor:
Coffee without caffeine. Can someone explain that to me? That's like sex without the spanking.

Trevor:
In this corner we have the women. They claim to be looking for love, yet they have a recurring speech impediment every time a man comes into the picture ... you can't say 'yes'. In the other corner we have the men. Might as well file their tax returns under professional doormats. They really feel they can handle themselves in bed, yet they can't figure out why they end up doing just that.

[Trever and Claire fight over who helps a young couple]

Trever:
I just wanna help!

Claire:
Okay. shoves dummy in his face Help the dummy.

Trevor:
People wonder if movies reflect real life. Hell yes, they do. I'll tell you how. Both make it difficult for two people to find each other and fall in love. Think about it. All the barriers that get put in the way of romance which in movies is exactly the point. That's what holds our interest for two hours. But in real life, love would hold our interest. Movies end when two people finally embrace, but that is exactly when life begins. Everyone is aching for magic. Everyone wants that moment in the third act when their eyes meet and the music swells, and they fall into their lover's arms. But no one talks! No one connects anymore. Life is a very long movie, and everyone is stuck in the second act. This is what I wanna know.... why can't we cut to the climax?! Why can't we move right pass all the barriers and go straight to the part that everyone's waiting for --- the part where the guy gets the girl.

Dr. Wyatt:
What is going on?

Trevor:
Love reborn, sugarplum. It's like a bad rash, you know? Can't be stopped. Goes away, comes back...

Dr. Wyatt:
Itches.

Trevor:
But it's damn gratifying to scratch.

Trevor:
Beautiful people end up together. Show me the exception, and I will show you a relationship based on something even more shallow. Wealth, power, rock stardom and a .315 batting average.