Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 5

[after Ted Danson and Larry decide to switch their sandwiches]

Ted:
Just if anyone asks me, what's in my new sandwich?

Larry:
Oh, ok, it's um, you got white fish. You know, white fish?

Ted:
White fish?

Larry:
White fish and sable. Uhm..

Ted:
What is sable?

Larry:
It's a fish.

Jeff:
It's a fish like a white fish. Smoked fish.

Ted:
You have two fishes in the sandwich?

Larry:
But they blend very well together. They're like Siamese twins, white fish and sable.

Ted:
What else is in it? No condiments?

Jeff:
Cream cheese.

Larry:
There's some cream cheese..it's..

Jeff:
Capers.

[Larry gives Jeff a look]

Larry:
There may be some capers but I'm not sure. You can always brush them off, it's not a big deal.

Jeff:
Onions.

[Larry gives Jeff another look]

Ted:
That sounds awful.

Larry:
What are you talking about?

Ted:
My sandwich is turkey, cole slaw, russian dressing. It's a classic. People come in and they order a "Ted Danson".

Larry:
Yeah but you're not there. You don't go in there.

Ted:
Yeah but people are used to my sandwich. All of a sudden they show up there and they're eating the "Ted Danson" sandwich, you know, all of a sudden has herring and lox..

Jeff:
Capers..and onions.

Larry:
Hey, shut the f*** up!

Wanda:
You know what's going on.

Larry:
Huh?

Wanda:
You have a racist dog. The dog hates black people!

Cheryl:
Wanda...

Wanda:
Larry, you train the dog to hate black people?

Larry:
No, I didn't train it to hate black people.

Wanda:
Has it barked at any white people?

Cheryl:
...No, he's...he's...

Larry:
So he hasn't barked at any white people.

Wanda:
Exactly. Your dog is racist.

Larry:
Sheriff's racist?

Wanda:
"Sheriff"? That's a perfect name for a racist dog. Where'd you get this dog: the Klan meeting or something?

Cheryl:
Larry picked him out at the pound.

Larry:
The pound.

Wanda:
Sheriff, the f***in' dog that eats black people. What the f***, man? I'll tell you what, y'all stay here, pet your crazy-ass racist dog, but I am not bringing my black ass back up into this f***ing "hotel" until y'all get rid of that f***ing Klan dog. Gotta Klan dog! Lookin' at me like I'm a damn T-bone!

[to the handyman]

Larry:
See this thing? It's a mezuzah. Got that? And I need you to put it over the door here. This is like a Jewish thing, you know, we put it over the door so every anti-Semite in the neighborhood will know that we live here in case they want to burn down the house.

[to Larry everytime he walks in to Hana Sushi]

Chefs:
Chicken Teriyaki Boy! Chicken Teriyaki Boy!

Nurse:
I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr Lewis for his kidney transplant.

Jeff:
Good night nurse.

Nurse:
Good night.

Jeff:
It's just a saying.

Nurse:
I've never heard of it.

Jeff:
It's an old one.

Nurse:
That's nice.

Jeff:
It is.

Nurse:
I know it is.

Jeff:
Do you?

Nurse:
Do you?

Jeff:
I do.

Nurse:
Good for you.

Jeff:
It is good for me.

Nurse:
Oh, you think so?

Jeff:
I know so.

Nurse:
I'm glad.

Jeff:
So am I.

Nurse:
That makes two of us.

Jeff:
So you say.

Nurse:
So I did.

Larry:
I kinda invited [Rick] over to the seder, if you don't mind.

Cheryl:
You did?

Larry:
Yeah.

Cheryl:
Aww.

Larry:
I'm sorry.

Cheryl:
No, that's okay.

Larry:
Oh really?

Cheryl:
Well, he's alone.

Larry:
Oh, aren't you a doll.

Cheryl:
That's cute. I'm glad you made a new friend. That's nice. I don't hear that very often from you.

Larry:
Oh, and I forgot to mention, he's a sex offender.

[Larry and Ben's daughter are stuck on a ski lift right before sunset]

Ben's daughter:
Somebody's gonna have to jump.

Larry:
Oh, stop.

Ben's daughter:
Stop what? I can't be with you here after sundown! There's no other way! Somebody's gonna have to jump! You're gonna have to jump!

[Larry looks down]

Ben's daughter:
Are you gonna jump?!

Larry:
What are you, f***in' nuts?

Larry:
You got the huge vagina and you're blaming it on the small penis. You know, it's not really necessary.

Larry:
Oh hey, there was a Mickey Mantle ball, his 500th home run, right over there, and it's missing. Have you seen it?

Nurse:
No, I have not.

Larry:
Hm. It's kinda curious given that nobody has been in the house, save for a few friends. Can a ball worth an excess of $20,000 just disappear into thin air?

Nurse:
You want to tell me what you're driving at?

Larry:
I'll tell you what I'm driving at! I submit that you took that baseball, stashed it in your unusually large vagina, and walked right on out of here!

[Larry pretending to be Orthodox Jew to suck up to the guy in charge of organ donation]

Larry:
I was in the band, ok. The girls were pretty interested, you know, with the guitar. They liked that.

Ben's daughter:
Like a rock band?

Larry:
Jewish folk music, Jewish folk songs.

Ben's daughter:
Oh, like what songs?

Larry:
Um.."Gefilte Fish Blues".."My Freakin' Back is Killin' Me and It's Making It Hard to Kvell".

Cheryl:
What was the name of your band?

Larry:
The Hipsters..Larry David and The Hipsters. And then, I left The Hipsters and I just became Larry David.

Larry:
You know what? Nevermind, alright? I-I'll take my liver out! I'll walk around with a dialysis machine hanging out of me for the rest of my life, no problem!

Larry:
I owe you money, okay?

Song:
Yes. Here we go.

Larry:
[checking his wallet] Okay...unbelievable...I'm out, I don't have any cash.

Song:
How come you never have cash, Larry?

Larry:
I'm sorry, Song, I'm sorry.

Song:
No, I see you on the-

Larry:
But listen! You know what I got? I got a check from Marla made out to me for $150, I'll sign it right over to you.

Song:
Okay, last time.

Larry:
Last time, Song.

Song:
Okay? 'Cuz I like you.

Larry:
Ok, I'm sorry, Song. Sorry.

Song:
I know where you live.

[Larry is wearing a huge sun hat]

Jeff:
What's with the hat?

Larry:
What? I'm married. I can wear whatever I want.

Jeff:
It does look ridiculous. You look like you should be pulling a rickshaw of some sort.

Larry:
This is unbelievable!

Jeff:
I've never tasted anything like this.

Larry:
What is this dish?

Caterer:
Are you talking about this? It's pulgoki. The Korean florist brought it, it's delicious.

[Larry's face turns to disgust]

Larry:
OHHH! OSCAR! THAT PULGOKI'S OSCAR!! YOU'RE EATING A DOG, YOU'RE EATING A DOG!!

Nurse:
You're giving away a kidney. The recipient is going to love you, man.

Larry:
Really?

Nurse:
You gonna have your own personal slave, is what it is. You could be in China and sneeze and he'll bring you a tissue.

Larry:
Wow, that may be true with others, I don't think with him though. He wouldn't even loan me a putter, actually.

Nurse:
You're giving him a kidney, he wouldn't loan you his putter?

Larry:
Well, people get very attached to their golf clubs. It's understandable.

Nurse:
You're not attached to your kidney? That's f***ed up, man.

Larry:
I have a system..I..I have a..