DangerMouse

Narrator:
London, one of the nerve centers of world government. And in the midst of a complex web of streets and buildings, in a quiet corner of Mayfair, lives the greatest guardian of peace and justice in the civilized world. A secret agent so secret that even his codename has a codename. Yes, Danger Mouse! To the down-trodden, a hero! To the evil, a ruthless enemy!

Narrator:
Danger Mouse's trusted assistant, Ernest Penfold. Codename: The Jigsaw, because when he's faced with a problem, he goes to pieces.

[As Penfold falls through the air at the end of the episode]

Narrator:
Will it be Isaac Newton 1: Penfold nil? Tune in next time to find out!

Narrator:
London. And in mild Mayfair, within a peculiar perpendicular pillar box, disguised dome of the death-defying duo, Danger Mouse the Daring and Penfold the Pathetic!

Narrator:
And so we come to the confusion of another classically confusing conflict. Can the wretched robot be reconstructed or will he end up as rabbit rubbish? And what of Quark? Quark! Oh, gosh. To find out, join the tune, and see the next adventure of Danger Moose, I mean, Mouse. Sorry about that, J.J., or Jimmy, or...[fade out]

Narrator:
London: Home of the elastic ruler, the clockwork lamppost and the inflatable knitting needle. A peaceful city, a city where, for once, there are no crimes, no adventures and no villains. Where nothing disturbs the cheery rustle of litter, the nimble dance of the pickpockets' fingers, and the soft swish of a shark's fin cutting through the tarmac. One of my better days. In fact, w--SHARK'S FIN? No, look, I was promised! They said there wouldn't be any--oh, DRAT. Not the blessed pillarbox! Not the world's greatest secret agent again! Oh really, this is too ridiculous! They said I could do poetry, I want to do poetry...!

Danger Mouse:
Good heavens, Penfold. I never knew you could run like that!

Danger Mouse:
By the way, Penfold, your library books are overdue!

Danger Mouse:
Ah, that'll be Colonel K. Let's see what he wants, Penfold.

Penfold:
There's loyalty and loyalty, you know.

Penfold:
(as Blue Flash) Ha, ha! Now you have no need to fear! Your hero, the Blue Flash is here! Fruit drops!

Penfold:
(as Blue Flash) Cor! Superhero is how I'm feeling! Hope the chief's not cross about his ceiling, but now the real me has been unfurled, and I'm the greatest in the world! Fruit drops!

Colonel K.:
Ah, DM! Good show!

Grovel:
Oh, dear. So sorry about this, especially with us being two or three of a kind, but you know how it is!

[Danger Mouse crashes through a brick wall]

Penfold:
Oh, doesn't that hurt, Chief?

Danger Mouse:
No, didn't feel a thing! [he faints]

[Danger Mouse and Penfold are standing below the wall of Greenback's castle]

Danger Mouse:
Um, hello? Excuse me? Can we have our ball back, please? I...

[a fizzing bomb is dropped into his hand]

Danger Mouse:
Oh, thanks very much!

Penfold:
D.M! Look out! It's a bomb!

Danger Mouse:
Hmm? Oh yes, I know it's a buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh, a b-, a b-, a bomb!

[BOOM!]

[Danger Mouse is being dangled over the snapping jaws of a crocodile]

Penfold:
We could have had a weekend in Brighton!

Danger Mouse:
I do not wish to know that, Penfold!

[Penfold answers the intercom]

Penfold:
Hello?

Stilleto's voice:
Delivery for Mr. Mouse.

Penfold:
Just pop it in the lift, will you?

Stilleto's voice:
Okay! [snickers]

Danger Mouse:
What is it, Penfold?

Penfold:
Well, they're sort of... they're too... [shrieks and flees as snapper robots enter the room]

DM:
Sort of what, Penfold?

Penfold:
Sort of unfriendly-like!

DM:
Good heavens, Penfold! I never knew you could run like that! Now just keep calm!

[Penfold screams]

DM:
And lead them over here, will you? By the way, Penfold...your library books are overdue.

Penfold:
Uh, sorry, sir...sorry! [screams]

DM:
The things that lad reads! "Jake Thunder, Superspy"! [crushes robots with books] Why, it's absolute rubbish!

Danger Mouse:
[Looking at sign on door that reads C.H.M.F.F.G.] Look, Penfold... look what it says on that door.

Penfold:
Oh, yes..."Chi-muff-guh".

DM:
"Chi-mu--" No, Penfold, it stands for 'Car Holding Magnetic Force Field Generator'.

Penfold:
'Cor...how'd you figure that?

DM:
Mm. [confidentially] I read the script.

Penfold:
Ooh, naughty Danger Mouse.

Colonel K:
Good show, DM. Real Dying.

Penfold:
Real Dying?

Colonel K:
Oh drat I mean well done.

DM:
You must stop this, Master Lobsnit.

Lobsnit:
Never, Never, Never!! Or perhaps onto the 2nd floor.

Stiletto:
Fancy you, I was just looking for...

Penfold:
House of [laughs]

Danger Mouse:
Don't take it easy, Penfold. This is no real person, this is the Baron's henchman!

Penfold:
Not Stiletto!

Stiletto:
Yeah, Signora Mafiosa to you. Pleasant. So sorry I can't wait to talk. Ulamanergick!

Baron Greenback:
So, they think my little snippersnappers will lead them to my hideout. Well, I have news for them, eh, Nero?

[Nero giggles]

[The snapper robots explode]

Penfold:
Crumbs! I didn't touch anything! It wasn't me, sir!

Danger Mouse:
It's all right, Penfold. It self-destructed.

Penfold:
Self-destructed?

DM:
Yes. You know, that echo sounded just like you! Anyways, yes. That must mean we're close to its base. We'd better split up!

Penfold:
Right, sir. Uh, can I split up and come with you?

DM:
No, Penfold!

Colonel K.:
Ah, DM, good show!

Danger Mouse:
Yes, Colonel?

Colonel K.:
Our spotters have spied a spaceship!

DM:
Spied a spaceship?

Colonel K.:
Precisely! Now I want you two to go out and investigate before this alien, whoever he is, starts trouble!

Penfold:
Trouble, Colonel?

Colonel:
Right, interfering with our radio transmission...

[signal interference, J.J. Quark appears on screen]

Quark:
Right, you lot! Stop your blubbering!

DM:
You lot?

Quark:
My name is Quark. J.J. Quark.

DM:
Oh, really?

Quark:
I'm from a planet far beyond your kin, you kin! And I'm the owner of planet Earth!

DM:
You're what?!

Quark:
This is a cosmic charter, giving Earth to my great-great-great-great grandfather! Anyway, I'm on my way to take over! And if there's any argument from anyone, I'll paralyze his particles, you kin!

[signal interference, Colonel K. returns]

Colonel K.:
I say, did you chaps get an alien chappie on your screen just now?

Penfold:
Aye! Uh, yes, Colonel!

Colonel K.:
Talk in a foreign language?

DM:
More or less, Colonel. Says he's going to take over planet Earth!

Colonel K.:
Great Scot! Better get after them! Stop them right now!

DM:
Right, sir! Come on, Penfold!

Count Duckula:
He who sheds his blood with me shall be my supper!