Desperate Housewives, Season 1

Lady:
Listen, it seems to me like you have some anger management issues.

Lynette:
I have four kids under the age of six. I absolutely have anger management issues.

Susan:
Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

Julie:
He did? Cool.

Susan:
But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.

Gabrielle:
So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

Susan:
Yeah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.

Julie:
Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.

Susan:
Shut up.

Julie:
If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

Susan:
I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

Julie:
How's that going?

Susan:
Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

Gabrielle:
I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?

Susan:
I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.

Gabrielle:
Well, you know what you need to do. You need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.

Susan:
That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for five.

Bree:
It's the age old question, isn't it? How much do we really want to know about our neighbors?

Gabrielle:
Do you know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

Edie:
Oh God, look at all these things, all these beautiful things that my ex-husbands worked so hard for, burnt to a crisp.

Rex:
So these tennis lessons we're taking. How are we doing?

Bree:
My back hand is improving immensely, but you're still having problems with your serve.

Rex:
Of course.

Paul:
Can I be frank?

Susan:
Of course.

Paul:
I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed. Maybe she was bored. It doesn't matter. She abandoned her husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her.

Gabrielle:
How was school?

John:
I got an A minus in biology.

Gabrielle:
Show me what you learned.

Susan:
Lynette?

Lynette:
I'm in.

Bree:
I'll make braised lamb shanks.

Lynette:
I'm still in.

Zach:
You didn't put in an obituary?

Paul:
I've been busy.

Zach:
Maybe when you die, I won't put in an obituary.

Susan:
How could we have all forgotten about this?

Lynette:
We didn't exactly forget, it's just usually when the hostess dies the party is off.

Bree:
Lynette!

Lynette:
I'm not being flip, I'm just pointing out a reality.

Karl:
The heart wants what it wants.

Susan:
Well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I can control myself!

Gabrielle:
(to Ashley, about kissing,) And some people kiss their friends, it's like a high-five on the lips!

Bree:
Rex cries after he ejaculates.

Martha:
I was just thinking of that expression, "I'll make mincemeat out of you." Mincemeat used to be made up of little bits of meat chopped up, so the expression was like saying, "I'll chop you up into little pieces!"

Yao Lin:
I hate lying.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, well, I hate your ironing, so there.

Edie (to Mrs. Huber):
I hate Susan Mayer. Everytime I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God I just want to go out and shoot a deer.

Bree:
I love to try out new recipes before the holidays. That way if the cookbook has it wrong, I can fix it.

Bree:
He could've been a sexual predator.

Rex:
And he ended up at Mrs. Frome's? That's a lose-lose situation.

Lynette:
You can tell them how beautifully behaved the twins are.

Bree:
So you want me to lie?

Lynette:
I thought that was understood.

Rex:
Oh come on, I'm staying at a motel, I haven't had a decent meal in weeks.

Bree:
Honey, the marriage counseling may not work out, you need to get used to bad cooking.

Bree:
Rex. The truth is, with the kids gone, I'll be all by myself in this house for the first time in seventeen years.

Rex:
Honey, I know it's hard to hear, but the marriage counseling might not work out. You need to get used to being alone.

Bree:
You're right. That was hard to hear.

Mama Solis:
Excuse my daughter-in-law. She's very fulfilled.

Lynette:
Did you bat your eyes? You know, it doesn't work if you don't bat your eyes.

Susan:
Honey, I batted everything that wasn't nailed down.

Susan:
I hate to bother you while you're um...working, but do you have change for a 5? Preferably in quarters.

Prostitute:
If I got paid in quarters I must be doing something wrong!

Bree (after telling Zach the story of her mother's death.):
I've never told anyone that story before.

Zach:
Well, those are the most interesting ones. The stories that we never tell anyone.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, I've seen who you've been busy with.

John:
Danielle? Come on, I mean, she's just a friend.

Gabrielle:
Well, before you get any friendlier, let me remind you, I can do things to you she can't even pronounce.

Bree:
Is that how you see me? As some sort of prude who just lays there like a cold fish? I love sex.

Dr. Goldfine:
All right.

Bree:
I love everything about it. The sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then, when you add friction. Mmm... The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself - two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean, obviously it has its practical applications, but I'm just not a fan.

Julie:
How am I supposed to blend in with a bunch of messed up teenagers?

Susan:
I don't know, pretend you're bulimic, gag a little.

Bree:
I'm repairing a chipped mug.

Rex:
Why don't you just buy a new one?

Bree:
Because I think it's better to fix what you already have.

Susan:
(about borrowing the car) It's no big deal. It's only for a couple of hours. I let you borrow my eggs for a whole year!

Bree:
How much longer is your mid-life crisis going to last because it's really starting to tick me off!

Lynette:
Next Spring, we're going to do 'Bambi' and his mother is going to take a slug to the heart....and you're gonna like it!

Mary Alice (voiceover):
Competition, it means different things to different people. But whether it's a friendly rivalry...or a fight to the death...the end result is the same. There will be winners... and there will be losers. Of course, the trick is to know which battles to fight. You see, no victory comes without a price.

Susan:
Hey Edie!

Edie:
Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.

(Susan is embarassed after having been hit in the face by a mechanical bull)

Susan:
Everybody's staring at me, aren't they?

Mike:
Just the slapstick fans.

Mr. Shaw:
Sometimes, evil drives a minivan.

Edie:
I am not going to apologize for having a healthy sex life!

Martha:
Healthy? I'm going to have to burn every sheet you've touched.

Bree:
This is the most impoverished neighborhood in the city. Trust me, someone will steal the car.

Rex:
How can you be so sure?

Bree:
Because I have faith in the poor.

Father Crowley:
Don't you want to be a good person?

Gabrielle:
What I want is to be happy.

Father Crowley:
That's the answer of a selfish child.

Gabrielle:
I know.

(Doorbell rings)

Lynette:
Go to hell. (doorbell rings 3 times.) Go to hell, go to hell, go to hell.

Susan:
(to Bongo, Mike's dog) If you came in here to judge me, you can just leave. (Bongo turns around) No! Wait! Don't go!

Susan:
(to Bongo) What is wrong with you? Lassie would have had a fire truck here by now! Stupid dog. (Bongo runs out) Good boy Bongo! Go get help! (Bongo brings back a dead bird) Ohh...ew!

Bree:
Were you with a woman? Did you tell that you have a wife, or does that hinder your pick-up style?

Rex:
All right. Even if I was seeing someone, I have every right to. Exploring options is the whole point of being separated!

Bree:
Options! I'm not a mutual fund, Rex.

Maisy:
You're not going to tell a soul. Bree, you may hate me, but you'd hate the humiliation a lot more.

Bree:
Oh, I don't hate you, Maisy. I pity you.

Julie:
Oh, I talked to Dad today, and apparently, he and Brandi might break up.

Susan:
Oh, how awful!

Julie:
Mom, you're smiling.

Susan:
"Am I? Hmm."

Bree:
(whispering) As of this moment, Rex, I am no longer your wife. I am going to go out, and find the most vindictive lawyer I can find, and together, we are going to eviscerate you. I'm going to take away your money, your family, and your dignity. Do you hear me?

Rex:
Bree...

Bree:
And I am so thrilled to know that you still love me. Because I want what's about to happen to you...to hurt as much as humanly possible. I'm so glad you didn't die before I got a chance to tell you that.

Maisy:
Oh, Bree. What a nice surprise. Would you like to come in?

Bree:
Well, that depends. Are you having an affair with my husband?

Bree:
Andrew, Danielle! Daddy's going to fornicate for us!

George:
It was nice talking with you, Dr. Van de Kamp.

Rex:
Please, you're dating my wife! Call me Rex!

Edie:
I just wanted you to know that everyone on Wisteria Lane is praying for your sister's safe return.

Felicia:
Oh, I seriously doubt that.

Edie:
Look, Felicia, it's natural to freak out when a loved one is missing.

Felicia:
Loved one? Oh, Edie, let me be clear about this. I hated Martha. She was a wretched pig of a woman and the day she died, this world became a better place.

Bree:
Do me a favor, Rex. Please don't mistake my anal-retentiveness for actual affection.

Susan:
Mike, guess what? I love you.

Felicia:
Look at them all. Vultures. Pretending to care when all they really want are the sordid details.

Police Chief:
I don't know, I think they just want to show their support.

Felicia:
Please. Human beings feed on misery.

Gabrielle:
You're the man of the house? You can't even leave it.

Gabrielle:
I'm running out of money. In a couple of weeks, I'm gonna be screwed.

Yao Lin:
Why don't you hock some of your jewelry? There's a lot of stuff you never wear, and most of it's ugly.

Gabrielle:
Don't you have a toilet to scrub?

Edie:
Oh Susan, you are such a good person, and I'm such a bitch!

Susan:
I guess I should go take a shower and wash Mrs. Huber off me.

Felicia:
Hello. I want to thank you all for coming out here and expressing your genuine sorrow and disbelief. My sister, Martha, would have been so touched. I know that many of you have questions. I've just spoken with the police who are still putting together the details of what happened. What they do know is, Martha died a violent death. Yes, I know. It's hard to hear. Apparently, there was a struggle. They found scratching and bruising on her body, several broken bones, and traces of dirt in her lungs, which leads us to believe that she was still alive at the time of her burial, and probably in great pain. But the good news is, there are no signs that she had been molested. Now, I think it's time that you return to your homes, to your loved ones. Oh, in lieu of a memorial service, I'll be holding an estate sale the day after tomorrow. Please, no personal checks.

Rex:
Hey!

Bree:
I'm not speaking to you.

Rex:
Didn't like the settlement talks, huh?

Bree:
You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.

Rex:
You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!

Bree:
Hardly? How about never!

Rex:
I mean, fine. When I move out, I'm going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. pizza, spare ribs...

Bree:
You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!

Rex:
Isn't divorce fun?

Susan (chuckles):
Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...

Zach:
WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?! DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Susan (harshly):
Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again. And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!

Gabrielle:
John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because me and you? No future!

Rex:
What do you say Bree, do we send the vultures home?

Bree:
I want to keep the club membership. Rex is terrible at tennis and hates buffets.

Gabrielle:
I've tried poor but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!

Bree:
Okay. So what's our control word?

Rex:
Well, lately I've been using Philadelphia. What's wrong?

Bree:
Well it's just that my Aunt Fern lives in Philadelphia and I don't want to be thinking about her while I'm spanking you with a leather strap.

Rex:
Okay. Fine. You pick a control word.

Bree:
Um, how about Boise?

Rex:
Boise?

Bree:
What's the matter with Boise?

Rex:
We're going to be doing psychological role playing here, Bree, and a funny word like Boise would ruin the mood. We need something that sounds serious."

Bree:
Hmm. How about Palestine?

Rex:
Boise will be just fine.

Rex:
For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.

Bree:
What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?

Lynette:
Are you sure you didn't misplace it? No offense, but you're getting up there in the years.

Mrs. McCluskey:
No offense, but you should be sterilised.

Lynette:
Do you know what psychological warfare is?

Porter:
No.

Lynette:
Too bad for you.

Karen McCluskey:
How old are you?

Porter (also referring to his twin brother):
We're 6.

Karen McCluskey:
And how old are you?

Parker:
5.

Karen McCluskey:
Wow, your mother just pops them out, doesn't she?

Porter:
How old are you?

Karen McCluskey:
How old do you think?

Porter:
150.

John:
Mrs. Van De Kamp.

Bree:
Hello, John. I'm sorry to drop by on you, unannounced. Do you have a moment?

John:
Sure. So, what can I do for you?

Bree:
Well, I'll tell you. My daughter is planning on giving you her virginity and I would consider it a personal favor if you wouldn't take it.

Rex:
For God's sake Bree, what do you want me to say? He's a teenage boy, we could cut off his penis and he'd still try to have sex."

Bree:
You're President of the abstinence club!

Danielle:
Well, I wasn't planning on running for a second term.

Susan:
Well, I'm adorable crazy. And he's rampage crazy.

Bree:
We're WASPs, denying the white elephant in the room is what we do best.

Andrew:
Would this have to do with the condom you left in my room? 'Cause that wasn't mine...

Danielle:
You suck, you know that.

Edie:
So, what are we looking for, exactly? An embroidered pillow that says "I killed Martha Huber"?

Edie:
I was just about to give a Maisy Gibbons update.

Lynette:
Guys, we should be ashamed of ourselves for reveling in that woman's misery. That being said, Edie, please continue.

Edie:
My necklace! Oh, you know, I lent this to Martha three months ago, and she said that it went down the drain. Oh, I miss how we used to steal things from one another.

Lynette:
I don't get it. I don't get who would pay Maisy for sex.

Gabrielle:
Obviously someone who is not getting it at home.

Bree:
Ah, what just happened?

Lynette:
The stakes were raised.

Bree:
Yes, yes they were. I fold.

Maisy:
..I've been abandoned. I guess that what happens when you become the town whore.

Bree:
Oh sweetie, they didn't abandon you because you're a whore. They abandoned you because you weren't that nice to begin with.

Gabrielle:
As I see it, good friends avoid each other after being humiliated, but great friends pretend nothing happened in the first place.

Bree:
Good friends offer to help in a crisis; great friends don't take no for an answer.

Susan:
Do you believe in evil, Edie?

Edie:
Of course I believe in evil, I work in real estate!

Rex:
Are they laughing at us?

Bree:
No, I think they're laughing at you. I think they feel sorry for me which is, just as mortifying.

Rex:
What are we gonna do?

Bree:
Oh. We're going to act like nothing is happening, and then, when we finish eating, we're going to walk out of here with all the dignity that we can muster.

Rex:
Please, let's go now...

Bree:
Oh no. I refuse to give them this kind of satisfaction. Open your menu.

Rex:
Everybody's staring, Bree. It's humiliating.

Bree:
Rex, if you walk out of this restaurant, I will scream.

Rex:
Bree...

Bree:
I will scream about your cruelty. Then I will scream about your infidelity. And just to make sure it really hurts, I will scream about your distasteful sexual habits. You want to know what true humiliation is, you just take one step.

Susan:
You lied to me.

Mike:
When? When did I lie to you?

Susan:
The police showed me your rap sheet. You killed a man.

Mike:
You can't believe I'm some cold-blood killer.

Susan:
No, of course I don't believe that, but I also didn't believe that Karl was going to cheat on me, and I didn't believe that Mary Alice was gonna kill herself. I mean, let's face it, Mike. Blind faith is not my friend.

Mike:
I was gonna tell you. There just wasn't a right moment.

Susan:
See? Now that's a lie, too, because there were plenty of right moments.

Mike:
Susan...

Susan:
Every time we went out for pizza, you could have said, 'oh, by the way, I once killed a man.' Or when you said, 'hey, let's go jogging', you could have said, 'well, by the way, I once killed a man.' Every time we went to the movies and the hero shot the bad guy, you could have turned to me and said, "oh, by the way, I did that once" You didn't.

Edie:
Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.

Susan:
He just wants to buy me a burrito.

Bree:
Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen.

Bree:
Porter, what did I tell you?

Porter:
But I'm hungry.

Bree:
Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.

Porter:
Ew, barf.

Bree:
Don't be common, young man.

Gabrielle:
Because, one day, when the time is right, we're gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms, and that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.

Tom:
Lynette, the kids are getting older, and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us, and then...

Lynette:
We're screwed.

Tom:
Exactly.

Lynette:
Hi. (to Bree) My babysitter cancelled.

Bree:
I've got millions of errands to run so...

Lynette:
Please hear me out. This is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours. They're actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress. I have make-up on.

Bree:
If it were any other day.

Lynette:
Oh, for Gods sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.

Rex:
Bree, why aren't you dressed?

Bree:
I wanted to wear Andrew's favorite color, but I just realized I don't know what it is.

Rex:
Bree, I'm sure that you came to see him will be all he needs.

Bree:
(ignoring him) A good mother is supposed to know her kids inside and out, but I don't know that.

Rex:
Bree...

Bree:
Yours is blue, and Danielle loves pink. But I...I can't remember Andrew's. Should I wear the brown, or the green...

Rex:
Bree, you are a wonderful mother. And when you are ready, I'll be in the car.

Bree:
(quietly, to herself) I'll wear green; everyone likes green.

Felicia (referring to Mrs. Huber's house):
This is the place where good taste goes to die.

Andrew:
"You know what my mom said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?"

Reverend Sikes:
"I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins."

Andrew:
"When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm,I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise."

John:
"What about me? Can't I be your plan B?"

Gabrielle:
"Damn it, John. What is our new rule?"

John:
"Stop pretending we have a future."

Gabrielle:
"Thank you."

Gabrielle:
"If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you."

Carlos:
"If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you."

Gabrielle:
"Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?"

Gabrielle:
"I feel trapped."

John:
"You want me to open a window?"

Gabrielle:
"No, I'm talking about my life."

John:
"Oh. Are we done making out?"

Andrew:
(referring to the wine) You don't suppose I can get some of that?

Rex:
Nope. I'm gonna need every drop.

Gabrielle:
"Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all of all possible worlds."

John:
"Why dont you return the shoes and get the money back?"

Gabrielle:
"Return the shoes!?! I can't talk to you when you're being hysterical!"

Bree:
"Your father is into S&M. He makes me beat him with a riding crop. No wonder you're perverted. Look who your parents are."

Edie:
"When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in. I make her my best friend."

Lynette:
"I thought you said you didn't have any female friends."

Edie:
"I don't. And I've never felt threatened by another woman, either."

Martha (about Mary Alice):
"Are you saying she stole the baby?"

Felicia:
"Don't look shocked, Martha. It makes your face look fat. The biological mother was a drug addict. If Angela is your neighbor, which I doubt, then that child was very lucky."

Bree:
"Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?"

Rex:
"Haha. No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years."

Bree:
"Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie."

Father Crowley:
"Gabrielle, what brings you down here? (she looks concerned) Oh, sweet mother of God what have you done this time?"

Tom:
"...It seems like you're not going to be happy until you drive me out of this marriage just to prove yourself right (Pause)...You know what, forget I said that."

Lynette:
"It's too late."

Tom:
"Well, then just consider it something husbands say to their wives."

Carlos:
"Where are you going?"

Gabrielle:
"I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits."

Carlos:
"Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry."

Gabrielle:
"That bitch! I can't believe her."

Carlos:
"I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling."

Gabrielle:
"Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she's good!"

Felicia:
"I hid the originals in a safe place. It seemed like a reasonable precaution seeing as you murdered Martha and all. Would you like a cookie?"

(Paul Young refuses)

Felicia:
"Suit yourself."

Edie:
(to Bree) You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.

John:
(to Carlos) "Just so you know, you beat up the wrong guy. Didn't you think it was strange that your lawn was the only one that needed to be mowed three times a week?"