Desperate Housewives, Season 5

Edie Britt:
Mrs. McCluskey, you're still alive! Karen McCluskey: It's nice to see you too, Edie. How long has it been? Five years?

Edie Britt:
This is my husband, Dave Williams.

Karen McCluskey:
[to Dave] So, how did you two meet? You run a free clinic or something?

Dave:
I'm sorry, who are you?

Karen McCluskey:
Karen McCluskey, Edie's best friend on the street.

Mary Alice Young:
[voice-over] It will happen to all of us eventually. The moment will come when we ask ourselves: Where did the time go? How did the children I once cradled grow up so very quickly? How did the life I dreamt of turn into a career I never expected? And how did that woman I saw each day in the mirror become someone I don't even recognize?

Photographer:
No! For God sakes.

Bree Hodge:
What's wrong now?

Photographer:
Once again, the concept is, sweetie, you're taking the pie out of the oven, your face aglow with surprise.

Bree Hodge:
Why am I surprised?

Photographer:
Because it turned out so perfectly.

Bree Hodge:
That's no surprise. My pies are always perfect.

Photographer:
All right. It's your best pie ever. You've topped yourself.

Bree Hodge:
And I know this before I've tasted it?

Photographer:
Sweetie, just make whatever face you want. I just think you'll sell more cookbooks if you don't look like you just made love to an ice cube.

[Porter finds out he's been flirting with his mother online, when she signs a 'Dear John' letter to him 'Love Mom'] [He comes down to where she is at her computer, he has a very sad and betrayed look on his face, and he places a book of poetry in front of her and walks away, leaving her looking ashamed] Lynette Scavo:
[Porter is sitting at the table eating a sandwich] Hi, mind if I join you? [He ignores her] Lynette Scavo: OK, I know what I did was unforgivable and I am not trying to make excuses, but we used to talk all the time, and then one day it just stopped, and it killed me. I felt like I lost you and then I was Sarah J and I had you back and we were talking again and you where telling me things. Porter Scavo: I wasn't telling you anything, I was telling her. Lynette Scavo: Well, for what it's worth, I loved our conversations and I'm going to miss them. [She walks off] Porter Scavo: [Whispers] Me too.

[Porter is listening to music on his headphones, when Lynette walks into his room, he removes them] Lynette Scavo:
Hey, got a sec? Porter Scavo: Not really. Lynette Scavo: So, I assume you know what happened to Jimmy Kimrado? Porter Scavo: I guess. Lynette Scavo: Your friend gets busted for dealing drugs at school and all you have to say is 'I guess'?

Porter Scavo:
He's not my friend.

Lynette Scavo:
What are you talking about? You were on the same little league team.

Porter Scavo:
Yeah, a million years ago, anything else?

Lynette Scavo:
No, not really.

Lynette Scavo:
I'm just talking to Porter on Silverfizz.

Tom Scavo:
Who is Sarah J from MacArthur High School?

Lynette Scavo:
Me! I'm sixteen, cute, I like graphic novels and Tokyo Police Club.

Tom Scavo:
Oh my God! You're pretending to be somebody else!

Lynette Scavo:
Our brooding son has a classmate who got arrested for selling drugs, I really think the ends justify the means.

Tom Scavo:
We'll address you major ethical breach in a moment. What did you find out?

Lynette Scavo:
The good news is he really doesn't hang out with that guy, but I am a little worried about 'Anita47' who told him cherry fruit pops are an aphordesiac.

Tom Scavo:
OK, you got what you came for, you know who he hangs around with, now time to stop.

Lynette Scavo:
You're probably right, it's just, did you know Porter writes poetry? Tom Scavo: Seriously?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, our Porter, the kid who communicates with grunts and shrugs, writes this beautiful, heartwrenching poetry.

Danielle:
(to Bree about Benjamin) You gave him meat and told him to lie?!!

Gabrielle Solis:
Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age? Susan Meyer: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

Gabrielle Solis:
Look at my life, Susan. I've been beaten down. Susan Meyer: Well, I thought I had you beaten today and the next thing I knew, I was eating grass. Gabrielle Solis: Today doesn't count. Today I was mad. Susan Meyer: Maybe you need to get mad more often.

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Andrew] I took the car to the mechanic's who told me the radiator's shot. Andrew Van De Kamp: Oh, that, yeah. It's been giving me trouble for years. Just use the jar. Gabrielle Solis: What jar? Andrew Van De Kamp: It's in the truck. You just keep it full of water and when the radiator reheats, you fill it up. Oh, and try not going uphills and stay in the shade as much as possible. Gabrielle Solis: I can't drive around avoiding gravity and the sun!

Gabrielle Solis:
[to Susan] You attacked my child and then me. Why should I even listen to you? Susan Meyer: I brought booze. Gabrielle Solis: Come on in.

Dave Williams:
[to Lynette] You know what a midlife crisis is?

Lynette Scavo:
I'm married to a 45 year old man who has a red convertible. Yeah, I think I know.

Carlos Solis:
Why don't we just tell her the truth?

Gabrielle Solis:
What: Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry?

Gabrielle Solis:
Juanita, stop talking to your sister!

Karen McCluskey:
[to Dave] Stop screwing with me!

Karen McCluskey:
You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave Williams: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you. Karen McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful. Dave Williams: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself, Karen. I mean that.

Orson Hodge:
They got him for organ trafficking. Bree Hodge: What?

Katherine Mayfair:
I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart. Bree Hodge: Well if he tries you let me know.

Carlos Solis:
Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you? Gabrielle Solis: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street. Gabrielle Solis: Mmm. I remember that place. Carlos Solis: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks. Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever? Carlos Solis: No. When? Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago. [kisses Carlos] Gabrielle Solis: Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.

Susan Meyer:
[spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.

Lynette Scavo:
So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on? [Cops ring the door bell and arrest Porter.]

Parker Scavo:
Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh?

Lynette Scavo:
Yes, sweetie, we are.

Susan:
I need a man in my life! Lee McDermott: Why? We're so useless.

Susan:
I need a man in my life! Bob Hunter: Why? We're so useless.

Porter Scavo:
Ooh, Dad called a family meeting.

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant.

Lynette Scavo:
Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it.

Preston Scavo:
Is he gonna be okay?

Lynette Scavo:
I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive. Are you with me?

Tom Scavo:
Hey guys, good, you're all here.

Penny Scavo:
I love you, Daddy!

Lynette Scavo:
Not yet.

Tom Scavo:
I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria.

Lynette Scavo:
Just know that we're 100% behind you.

Tom Scavo:
That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff!

Lynette Scavo:
Tom, what the hell are you talking about?

Tom Scavo:
You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends.

'Parker Scavo:
At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo.

Tom Scavo:
Come on, we'll love working together,

Porter Scavo:
Why? We don't even like living together.

Preston Scavo:
You're not even going to pay us?

Penny Scavo:
I'm nine, is that even legal?

Tom Scavo:
I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday!

Parker Scavo:
Mom, please do something. Tom: You said that you were behind me 100 percent.

Lynette:
Really? That does not sound like me. Porter: Just so you know, 30 years from now when you and Dad old and feeble--

Lynette:
You're putting us in the cheapest nursing home you can find. Yeah, I got it.

Preston Scavo:
Those kids go to our school.

Porter Scavo:
And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it.

Tom Scavo:
Fine, don't wear the apron.

Porter Scavo:
No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. [Tom has a tantrum and slams Porter against the wall, and Lynette breaks it up.]

Parker Scavo:
[looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it?

Bree:
No, I'm just sayin you're worth less.

Gabrielle Solis:
Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie meant by it, why don't you just talk to her?

Susan Meyer:
Oh, that would be way too awkward. She's my boss.

Lynette Scavo:
She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her!

Gabrielle Solis:
Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut?

Susan Meyer:
I don't know.

Gabrielle Solis:
Well, how many seconds did the kiss last?

Susan Meyer:
I don't remember.

Gabrielle Solis:
[frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this?

Susan Meyer:
Uh... the second one.

Lynette Scavo:
Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian.

Karl:
(to Susan) You know, this is typical Susan behavior! And you wonder why no man can stay with you!

Susan:
[to a dying Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.

Edie Britt:
Susan Meyer, wrong again!

Gabrielle Solis:
Ladies, start your blenders.

Edie Britt:
[Last Lines] As I looked down on the world, I began to let go of it. I let go of white picket fences, and cars in driveways, coffee cups and vacuum cleaners. I let go of all those things that seemed so ordinary, but when you put them together they make up a life, a life that really was one-of-a-kind. I'll tell you something, it's not hard to die when you know you have lived. And I did. Oh, how I lived.

Immigration Man:
Jackson Braddock?

Immigration Man:
We're with immigration. You're in the country on an expired visa. You're gonna have to come with us.

Susan:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Y-you can't take him now!

Immigration Man:
Ma'am, not now. I need you to step back.

Jackson:
Susan, there's a business card on the dresser with an attorney's number. Could you call him for me, please?

Susan:
Please, can't this wait? We're about to get married!

Immigration Man:
Not today, you're not.

Mike:
"What's goin' on? Who are these guys?"

Katherine:
Uh, immigration agents, and I think they're sending Jackson back to Canada!

[Tom gets into college] Parker Scavo:
I can help you study if you want. Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston Scavo I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin. Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter, aren't you gonna congratulate your father?

Porter Scavo:
Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.

Porter Scavo:
We finished upstairs, Ana!

Preston Scavo:
Anything else you need done?

Ana Solis:
They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet!

Parker Scavo:
[Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet.

Gabrielle Solis:
Okay boys, thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one.

Porter Scavo:
I'm Porter.

Preston Scavo:
I'm Preston.

Parker Scavo:
Oh, you can call me whatever you want!