Desperate Housewives, Season Three

Mary Alice (voiceover):
Every storm brings with it hope that somehow by morning everything will be made clean again, and even the most troubling stains would have disappeared like the doubts over his innocents, or the consequence of his mistake, like the scars of his betrayal or the memory of his kiss. So we wait for the storm to pass, hoping for the best even though we know in our hearts some stains are so indelible nothing can wash them away.

Austin:
"A month?! It was a $10 whiskey!"

Edie:
"Exactly. You weren't even smart enough to steal the good stuff."

Nora (dying):
"I don't have later, you stupid bitch."

Lynette (In her dream, seeing Mary Alice at the last time):
"Let me save you."

Mary Alice:
"You can't."

Lynette:
"Why not?"

Mary Alice:
"Sweety, we can't prevent what we can't predict."

Lynette:
"Isn't there anything I could do?"

Mary Alice:
"Yes. You can enjoy this beautiful day. We get so few of them."

Carolyn (To lynette in the supermarket):
Have you not been listening? My husband cheated on me!

Lynette:
"Who cares?! We all have pain, every one of us has pain but we deal with it; we swallow it and get going with our lives. What we don't do is go around, shooting strangers!"

Carolyn:
"She deserved it!"

Lynette:
"Well maybe you deserved to be cheated on!"

Carlos:
"Okay, so if this guy shows up again, what am I supposed to do, exactly? "

Gabrielle:
"Nothing. Just having you helps."

Carlos:
"Now that's very sweet."

Gabrielle:
"Because when he breaks in and starts hacking you up with his machete, your screams will wake me up, and then I'll be able to escape."

Austin:
"That's your advice?"

Edie:
"Well, I'm sorry. I've never been good at getting people not to have sex."

Edie:
"The responsible thing is to abstain from sex and focus on your studies. There, I said it out loud just in case anybody asks."

Gabrielle:
"Wait, wait, wait. First rule of ransacking: remember where everything goes."

[Takes three pictures with her camera phone.]

Susan:
"You are gonna make a really good mother someday."

(Susan and Gabrielle search for Julie's diary)

Susan:
"Oh, and when you find it, you have to read it, because I promised her that I would always respect her privacy. Now help me flip this mattress."

Susan (to Edie, about Julie):
"Now she's lying and scheming and having casual sex. She's just a boob job away from being you!"

Susan (to Gabrielle):
"Let's not pretend we're above teenagers."

Bree's mother-in-law:
"Hello Bree. May I come in?"

Bree (watering garden):
"What's a garden without a snake"

Lynette:
"I told you I wanted this floor to sparkle like your Mom's. Now does this floor look Bree Hodge clean to you?"

Andrew:
"Uh... no. It looks Andrew Van de Kamp clean. But your disappointment in me is very Bree Hodge."

Lynette:
"Hey, chill out. You're acting like I did when I was six months pregnant."

Tom:
"Uh, excuse me. You were hitting people."

Lynette:
"Only two. And the mailman had the good taste never to bring that up again."

Lynette:
"What do you mean, it's bar mitzvah season? There's no such thing."

Tom:
"I never thought you'd want a fifth kid."

Lynette:
"I don't, but I didn't want the first four, and they're starting to grow on me."

Karen McCluskey:
"At least your husband tries to be romantic. Every anniversary, Gilbert bought me an appliance. On the last one, he gave me a vacuum cleaner. He died two weeks later. I didn't cry."

Lynette:
"Listen to me. I forbid you to die. If you leave me with a mortgage and a restaurant and five kids, I swear I will track you into the deepest pit of hell and make you pay."

Edie (to Carlos, undressing):
"Just stop seeing the person that I've been and start seeing the person I could be. Look at me, not the Edie that I show the world. In fact - let's lose her. Forget the blouse that she wears because she knows it shows off her cleavage. And the skirt that's so short, because she knows that guys love long legs. And the heels, the ones that make her legs look even longer. Forget the bra that holds her breasts a little higher than they are on their own these days. And the panties, the ones that hide the scar from my c-section. This is it. Hi, Carlos. I'm Edie. I might not be the woman that you thought I was under all of that but I'm real, and I'm here. And I'm asking for a chance."

Mary Alice (voiceover):
"Yes, you can learn a lot about women, from what they choose to wear. You can learn even more by what they choose to take off, and who they take it off for."

Lynette:
"That's what we pay you and you seem happy enough."

Andrew:
"That's because I'm doing the beer delivery guy."

Lynette:
"Ok...My fault for asking."

Tom:
"Surely you can control five little kids."

Karen McCluskey:
"Can I beat them?"

Tom:
"No."

Karen McCluskey:
"Then my hands are tied."

Edie:
"You think you were bored? I've had more thrills leaning up against my dryer."

Carlos:
"Then what was all that moaning?"

Edie:
"I was in pain! You were smashing my breasts!"

Carlos:
"Oh, come on!"

Edie:
"You hunkered down on top of me like you were hiding from the border patrol."

Carlos:
"I was tired. You just laid there while I did all the work. When we were done, I felt like I should deflate you."

Edie:
"Well, sex is like tennis. When you play an inferior opponent, your game suffers."

Carlos:
"Are you challenging me to a rematch?"

Edie:
"I suppose we should tiptoe around like schoolchildren so our parents don't catch us doing it? I feel like I'm 12 again!"

Gabrielle:
"I made you waffles! Eat 'em while they're hot."

Victor:
"Will you marry me?"

Gabrielle:
"They're just toaster waffles."

Russell:
"Well, I see you can't close a sale without opening something else."

Edie:
"Oh, please, I heard about your open house on Holly Drive. They're still disinfecting the jacuzzi."

Susan (to Ian and Mike):
"You two want a decision? Well, here's what I decide: There will be no kissing, and there will be no wedding, and there will be no damn cake!"

[Susan and Mike are about to get married]

Minister:
Are we ready?

Julie Meyer:
Are you kidding? They've been dragging this thing about for three years!

Stella Wingfield:
[Lynette's mother shows up] Geez Lynette, I didn't know you opened a daycare center! Hey kids grandma's here.

Stella Wingfield:
[they all look at her strange] Okay, what'd you tell them about me?

Lynette Scavo:
It's been five years mom, they don't remember you.

Stella Wingfield:
Well they'll remember me this time, I've brought presents. For you.

[hands Parker a book].

Stella Wingfield:
And for you and you.

[hands the twins books].

Parker Scavo:
These are baby toys. We're too old to play with these.

Stella Wingfield:
Well I'm too old to remember what the hell six year olds like to play with.

Porter Scavo:
We're eight.

Stella Wingfield:
What do I care?

Lynette Scavo:
Just say thank you.

[kids say 'thank you'].

Stella Wingfield:
[pointing to Kayla, talking to Parker] Who's the pretty thing? Your girlfriend?

Parker Scavo:
[looks disgusted] No! She's my sister!

Stella Wingfield:
[to Lynette] Oh, is that Toms little B-a-s-t-a...

Tom Scavo:
OK, kids, time to get your toys and let's play upstairs.

Nora:
We stopped off at this bar and I got bitchy with one of the waitresses. Who cares,right? I mean, who cares? It's a bar, and we all do it, right?

Nora:
So he tells me to watch my mouth, and I'm like, whoa, get a load of Mr. Two Strikes tryin' to tell me how to act in public. And then he called me a whore- We done.

Lynette:
Ok, whoa, whoa. Take a deep breath. You don't break up with a guy because in a weak moment he call you a whore.

Nora:
And then on the way out, he threatened to hit me.

Lynette:
Ok, but he didn't, and until he...

Nora:
Oh, jeez, Lynette. Whose side are you on?

Lynette:
I'm on the side of love. You guys seem like such a perfect couple.

Nora:
[crying] I know.

Lynette:
I just.... You don't wanna throw that all away cause of a little fight with no hitting.

Nora:
No. It's over.

Lynette Scavo:
Parker, hey, where's your uniform? You've got your game in an hour. Parker Scavo: No I don't, I quit.

Lynette Scavo:
What?

Parker Scavo:
I hate baseball! Daddy said I don't have to play it anymore.

Lynette Scavo:
Well Daddy should've checked with Mommy so she could have a chance to tell him why he's wrong. Hey, you're playing!

Parker Scavo:
But Mom, I suck! Everybody says so! That's why they made up a fake position for me!

Lynette Scavo:
It's not fake. There's not a team I know that can get along without their back-up far right fielder! OK, come on, let's go practice.

Parker Scavo:
[disgrunteled] Ohh!

Orson:
Will you stop it! Suicide is the worst thing that can happen to a family! I will not have it made light of!

Edie:
Let him work it off. You get a free store stocker for a month.

Parker Scavo:
How long will Daddy be gone?

Lynette Scavo:
Well, that sorta depends on Daddy.

Porter Scavo:
Are you two mad at each other?

Lynette Scavo:
Yeah, a little, but that's okay. We still love each other very much, but like kids, sometimes grown-ups throw tantrums and need a time-out.

Preston Scavo:
Why can't he take a time-out in his room?

Lynette Scavo:
Cause he decided to take it in his pizza place.

Parker Scavo:
No fair, that sounds fun!

Lynette Scavo:
Not this pizza place, it's a rat hole. But once your dad comes to his senses and stops being petulant, he'll come home.

Porter Scavo:
What's petulant?

Lynette Scavo:
It means childish, stubborn, careless with my money and your futures.

Lynette Scavo:
It's a grown-up word, and when daddy comes home, he'll learn a new one: grovel!

Adventure Scout Girl:
[Approaches Gabrielle on the front porch] Hi. What if I told you that there was a way to help children, while reading your favorite magazines at a reduced price? Would you be interested?

Gabrielle:
[as she continues to file her nails] Sure. Knock yourself out.

Adventure Scout Girl:
Wise choice. [Reading from her clipboard] For the lady of the house, there's Redbook, Glamour, Vogue...[Pronounces it "vo-gew"]

Gabrielle:
[Pronouncing it correctly] I believe that's Vogue, Sweetheart.

Adventure Scout Girl:
Really? Are you sure?

Gabrielle:
I should know. I was on the front cover.

Adventure Scout Girl:
[Stunned] No. Way.

Mary Alice:
The annual block party was a winter tradition on Wisteria Lane. It was a way for the residents to spread holiday cheer. Everyone was invited, including Art Shepard, the newest resident of Wisteria Lane. But as the big night drew near, more than holiday cheer was being spread around. By Sunday evening, most of the gossiping had subsided, and the neighborhood was once again consumed by the spirit of the season. Friends laughed over eggnog, lovers kissed under mistletoe, and the mood was jolly. That is, until a certain guest made his appearance. Yes, for the residents of Wisteria Lane, it was the most wonderful time of the year. But for Arthur Shepard and his sister, it had turned out to be a very silent night.

Susan:
"I assume this means they know about me?"

Ian:
"But of course."

Susan:
"And they know about me as in" (in a bad British accent) "Mum, Dad, bloody good news. I've got myself a smashing new girlfriend."

Ian:
"That's adorable. Please don't do it in front of them."

Ian:
"I just assumed that you were lazy."

Susan:
"I wish. My cooking is not good."

Ian:
"Well, my parents won't be expecting a gourmet meal."

Susan:
"Will they be expecting stomach cramps, acid reflux, night sweats?"

Susan:
"Right...like an ambulance."

Gabrielle:
"Yeah, she's a trooper. Let's dump her."

Vern:
"How will I tell her family?"

Gabrielle:
"We'll do it together. We'll be very diplomatic."

Vern:
"Are you sure about this? The poor kid's been through the wringer and—"

Gabrielle:
"Amy! For God sakes, Little Miss Snowflake does not scratch down there!"

Vern:
"Well, then again, her mother died a year ago. How long is she gonna milk it?"

Gloria:
"Home movies."

Bree:
"It's fun looking back at the past, isn't it?"

Gloria:
"Well, it's one way to kill time while you're waiting for death."

Bree:
"We also have cable."

Gloria:
"You'll get over it. I did."

Bree:
"And yet you're cooking?"

Mrs. McCluskey:
"They just arrested Mike for murder."

Mrs. McCluskey:
"They're saying he killed that woman on the news, that Monique person."

Bree:
"Oh, thank God!"

Gabrielle:
"I have no idea where you're going with this."

Vern:
"Well, as Gaby and I discussed, Amy has certain limitations and her odds of winning are slim."

Gabrielle:
"Vern! He is so competitive. I constantly have to remind him they're just kids. When did you lose the joy?"

Vern:
"Oh, I think you know."

Mike:
"No, I didn't pick up on it."

Edie:
"Well, I wanted to tell you this weeks ago, and I wish that I had, because now I know you're gonna think that I'm breaking up with you over this whole blood on the ax thing."

Edie:
"Whatever. But believe me, that's not it. It's just...we are moving too fast."

Mike:
"What are you trying to say?"

Edie:
"Well, maybe we should just take a break. You know, date other people."

Mike:
"You're telling me this on the day I'm put in a men's prison?"

Edie:
"Well, I said the timing was bad. I am sorry. I, I really am. I just can't do this."

Mike:
"I doubt it. She dumped me today."

Mike:
"Well, I was arrested for murder."

Susan:
"Still. It's tacky."

Susan:
"Don't worry. Dinner's all taken care of. We're having blanquette de veau and a grand marnier soufflé."

Ian:
"Well, that's very ambitious of you, and, uh, when will Bree be done making it?"

Susan:
"Five-thirty. But I am rewarming it all by myself."

Lynette:
Hey, why don't we start that girl talk?"

Gabrielle:
"I'll get the ball rolling. Anybody have a yeast infection?"

Bree:
"They found Monique's blood on the wrench that Mike was trying to dispose of. I mean, that hardly screams innocence."

Susan:
"Her teeth were pulled. You don't think that's worth telling the cops she was messing around with a dentist?"

Bree:
"At his office. And what did you think you'd find there anyway?"

Susan:
"I don't know. A blackmail letter, a necklace made of teeth?"

Bree:
"Well, needless to say, I won't be cooking dinner for Ian's parents."

Susan:
"Fine. I'll cook myself."

Bree:
"Good. Let me know if there are any survivors."

Susan:
"And if you take Orson back, you do the same."

Mrs. McCluskey:
"Say "molester." It sounds scarier."

Sherri:
"What if she doesn't?"

Gabrielle:
"Well, friends come and go, but a crown is forever."

Ian:
"What a perfectly asinine question. How could he not?"

Tom:
"This is all your fault. You should've listened to me."

Lynette:
"I know. But be fair. There is no way I could've anticipated this."

Tom:
"You tell people Frankenstein's on the loose, then you're surprised to see the torch-wielding villagers?"

Bree:
"Oh, we've rented you a condo in a lovely retirement community. It's our Christmas gift to you."

Gloria:
"So you're exiling me? Cutting me off from my new grandchildren?"

Bree:
"That's our gift to them."

Lynette:
"What do you mean?"

Art:
"I think you know. See, I always knew that I had to take care of Rebecca, so I could never let myself...slip and do something that would hurt her. But now...I'm free...and all because of you."

Lynette:
"You can't stay here."

Art:
"Oh, don't worry. I'm already packed."

Lynette:
"Where are you going?"

Art:
"Why, you gonna write? Well, good-bye, Lynette. You take care of that beautiful family of yours."

Lynette Scavo:
Kayla, where are you going?

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, sweety we don't watch TV during dinner.

Kayla:
But my show is on.

Lynette Scavo:
Well, I'm sorry those are the rules.

Kayla:
My mommy let me.

Lynette Scavo:
Just this once.

Lynette Scavo:
[the twins give Lynette 'What gives?' looks, Parker crosses his arms] Ok, ok, I know what you're thinking, but Kayla's going through a hard time right now, come and sit down. Letting her watch TV is like me letting you eat ice cream when you're sick.

Porter Scavo:
But she's not sick.

Lynette Scavo:
That's true, but she's sad. Parker Scavo: [cute or funny] I'm sad, I can't watch TV!

Lynette Scavo:
Eat your tacos.

Lynette Scavo:
[Kids give each other looks of agreement and get up to go over to the TV] Wow, wow, wow, sit your buts down.

Preston Scavo:
It's not fair.

Lynette Scavo:
I don't care, we have rules.

Porter Scavo:
Well she gets to!

Lynette Scavo:
She's special, now sit down! Come on.

Porter Scavo:
Does she get dessert too?

Kayla:
Of course I do.

Lynette Scavo:
[Tom pulls up in the van bringing Kayla to live with them] Ok, they're here, now listen, [to Parker]

Lynette Scavo:
stand up. Kayla has been through a lot so when she walks through the door I want you to make her feel welcome, ok, give her a hug and be really nice.

Parker Scavo:
I'm giving her my room, how much nicer do I have to be?

Lynette Scavo:
Well nicer than that or she's gonna get all your toys too!

[Bree has found Alma and a passed out Orson in bed together, along with sleeping pills and Viagra] Bree Van De Kamp:
You raped my husband! Alma Hodge: We made love. And when our baby is born, he's going to come back to me. Bree Van De Kamp: Baby? Alma Hodge: It's true. I could be expecting right now. Bree Van De Kamp: Were you expecting this? [Bree decks Alma before she calls her house] Bree Van De Kamp: Andrew, I need you to come over right away. And, um... [pause] Bree Van De Kamp: ...bring the wheelbarrow.

Bree:
[to Alma] You... RAPED my husband!

Zack Young:
You said I could kiss you! Gabrielle Solis: Yes, my lips not my oesophagus!

Mary Alice Opening:
"It was late on a Tuesday night when the power went out all over Fairview. For most of the residents, it was a minor inconvenience, but for those with secrets, the darkness proved quite useful, indeed. Millie Russell was able to indulge in another night of midnight binging. Timmy Cooper was able to sneak another peak at his father's adult magazines. Marilyn Quinn was able to steal a few more puffs of her forbidden tobacco. But these secrets paled compared to the one a certain old woman was hiding in her basement. Yes, as a rule, darkness helps us keep our secrets safely hidden. But every rule ... has its exceptions."

Mary Alice:
"When the lights went out on Wisteria Lane, Karen McCluskey wasn't the only resident left in the dark. Everyone else felt the pain of going without power, as well."

Parker Scavo:
Nothing.

Lynette Scavo:
You seem a little mopey lately, is everything okay?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah. Can we go see Mrs. McClusky?

Karen McCluskey:
[at the hospital] You guys didn't have to come here, no matter what that CAT scan says, I'm breakin' out tomorrow.

Lynette Scavo:
Well Parker really wanted to come see you.

Karen McCluskey:
[pats him on the head] Don't tell your brothers, you where always my favorite.

Parker Scavo:
[quietly] I saw the man in your freezer.

Karen McCluskey:
[Smile fades from her face] Lynette could you run down to the snack bar and get me some green jello?

Lynette Scavo:
Oh, sure.

Karen McCluskey:
OK, time for a little grown-up talk.

Karen McCluskey:
So can you understand now why I had to do what I did? [he nods]

Karen McCluskey:
And you know you can never tell anyone, not even you mom?

[he nods again) Lynette Scavo:
They didn't have jello, so I hope pudding is okay.

Karen McCluskey:
Ya know, lets give it to Parker, good boy like him deserves a treat. [he smiles at her]

Mary Alice Opening:
"The night of her engagement party, Gabrielle Solis was injured. But she wasn't hurt by the chauffeur who almost slammed a door on her fingers ... or the stranger who almost stepped on her hand ... or the waiter who almost dropped a knife on her wrist. No, Gabrielle's injury came about in a more unexpected fashion ... and was caused by someone Gabrielle thought was her friend. ... And this is how Gabrielle Solis came to be injured the night of her engagement party. And though she seemed to laugh it off, Gabrielle had been cut much, much deeper than anyone could see."

Mary Alice:
"Gossip. For most housewives, it's just a harmless form of recreation. An exchange of semi-interesting titbits concerning the semi-interesting lives of people they know. But the time comes in every neighborhood when something very interesting happens. And that's when gossip stops being recreation, and becomes obsession."

Lynette:
"Yeah, I'm more terrified of Gaby."

Parker Scavo:
Because she's not a witch!

Freddy:
How do you know?

Parker Scavo:
Cause she isn't! Don't be a jerk! [the kids start making fun of him] Parker Scavo: Shut up!

Karen McCluskey:
[Parker rings Mrs. McCluskey's doorbell] Waould ya stop ringing that damn... I'm sorry Parker, I thought you where one of those little pissheads that keeps ringing the doorbell and running away. What's on your mind?

Parker Scavo:
I want you to come back and babysit us, the new sitter stinks!

Karen McCluskey:
Your folks hired a new sitter?

Parker Scavo:
Yeah, and she thinks carrots are snacks!

Karen McCluskey:
Well that's rough. But life's like that sometimes.

Parker Scavo:
It doesn't have to be. If you just told people what happened with your husband, everything could go back to the way it was.

Karen McCluskey:
Parker, see those women over there. Nothing I could say could stop those tongues from wagging. I'm sorry kid but I just have to wait this one out

Orson Hodge:
Thank you, Mother, for colluding in my rape!...

Carlos Solis:
[after Gaby told Carlos she assumed she had sex with Zach] I can't believe you bagged another neighbourhood kid! Gabrielle Solis: [Carlos walks away] Where are you going? Carlos Solis: To warn the Scavo boys!

Danielle Van De Kamp:
[shouting to Andrew] I liked you better when you were a psychopath!