Dharma & Greg, Season 1 (1997-1998)

Greg:
It's raining. We're not going to sleep in the rain, are we?

Dharma:
No, silly, you don't sleep in the rain. You make love in the rain.

Greg:
Ah. What if there's lightning?

Dharma:
Then you get to be on top.

Dharma:
He acted this way when I wanted to be a Girl Scout.

Larry:
It's a para-military organization with cookies.

Larry:
Next thing you know, she'll get a social security number.

Dharma:
I got one.

Larry:
What? Why?

Dharma:
I opened a checking account.

Larry:
Are you insane? You're on the grid now. They can find you anywhere.

Greg:
Who's "they"?

Larry:
You.

[Before Dharma and Greg's wedding]

Dharma:
Can you see me?

Greg:
Yes.

Dharma:
Oh, I totally misunderstood that groom-can't-see-the-bride-in-her-wedding-dress-thing.

[Kitty comes in]

Kitty:
What are you doing here? You can't see her in her dress!

Dharma:
See, that's what I thought!

Abby:
Larry, did you eat meat?

Larry:
No.

Abby:
You ate meat. I can smell it.

Larry:
That's my tongue. It's made of meat.

Kitty:
Look! Look at these! They're awful!

Edward:
They're just flowers. Nobody cares.

Kitty:
And by "nobody", you mean "you".

Edward:
Yes.

Kitty:
Well, let me tell you something, Edward. Everybody cares. And by "everybody" I mean "me". I care, Edward. That is my job in this family. I care. I care at every Christmas dinner. I care at every business function. I care everytime that maid puts a meal down in front of you. And for some reason or other, you don't seem to notice.

Edward:
All right, all right. Here's the checkbook.

Kitty:
Thank you, Thank you, Edward. I will tuck this away in the gaping void that was once my soul.

Edward:
Don't lose the pen this time.

Kitty:
: Oh, Gregory, darling, every bride thinks she wants to cook a Thanksgiving dinner and it always ends up the same. Someone cries, someone is rushed to the emergency room and a perfectly lovely bird gets wasted. Which, if I don't eat soon, will be me.

Dharma:
Honey.. I love you, but bite me.

Dharma:
What's going on ?

Greg:
Well there is no pretty way to say this but my father picked up a woman who robbed him and left him tied to a bed in a hotel room...

Pete:
Hey buddy, take it easy on him it can be pretty upsetting the first time.

Kitty:
What is it ?

Greg:
It's a duck.

Ed:
That's not a duck, it's a goose.

Dharma:
Yes, but captain, my captain, goose does not rhyme...

Roger:
Dharma do you have anything for a headache ?

Dharma:
Why what's the matter ?

Roger:
I have a headache...

Dharma:
Well Roger that's just a symptom, I mean usually there is an emotional problem that goes along with a physical illness...

Roger:
Yeah, aspirin, ibuprofen...

Dharma:
Loneliness, depression, anger...

Pete:
So it doesn't bother you that your wife is talking to Stuart about his...well you know ?

Greg:
You can say impotence.

Pete:
No you can't ! Cause if you say it, you think it and if you think it you got it !

Larry:
I can not endorse by my actions any system that places one human being in servitude to an other.

[First lines in the series]

Young Dharma:
Leo, Sagittarius, and Aries.

Abby O'Neil:
Very good. Now the water signs.

Young Dharma:
Pisces, Scorpio... Abby, look. Policemen.

Larry Finkelstein:
And what do we say to policemen?

Young Dharma:
I have a Fourth Amendment right prohibiting you from conducting an unreasonable search.

Larry Finkelstein:
[offering her the "down low" hand slap] Yeah. Give me some skin.

Dharma:
Kitty where's the potato masher

Kitty:
I told you I gave her the day off

Kitty:
(Reads Fortune Cookie) True wealth is measured in friendships. Oh nonsense