Dirty Sexy Money, Season 1

Juliet:
I want to be a human being!

Tish:
You will be someday.

Juliet:
Oh! When did you get back from Tahiti?

Jeremy:
Uh... Thirty minutes and six double espressos ago.

Nick:
[Voiceover] Money makes everything go wrong.

Jeremy:
[He presents a dollar bill origami sailboat to Nick] Here, give this to Kiki. Tell her I'm sorry I made you late.

Nick:
Where'd you learn how to do that?

Jeremy:
My coke dealer.

Nick:
All right listen, this has been a massive misunderstanding, and I can assure you my client is going to be found innocent of all charges brought against him, so there's no story here. Please excuse us.

Female Reporter:
Is it true you won the Yacht in a poker game, Jeremy?

Male Reporter:
Jeremy, how long have you been smuggling people into the country?

Jeremy:
I don't know...

Nick:
Don't answer that.

Female Reporter:
Is it true you were planning to harvest their organs?

Nick:
You know, that is just dumb. Why say things like that?!

Nick:
Look, he doesn't even know these guys.

Jeremy:
It's true I've never meet those guys before in my life! Right, guys?

Illegal Immigrants:
Okay Captain Jeremy, Captain Jeremy okay!

Nick:
Did you teach 'em how to do that?

Jeremy:
I was just havin' a little fun.

Male Reporter:
Well, the rumor is you can't act at all.

Juliet:
Well, you're poor!

Juliet:
I don't need my twin-tuition to see you googling her ass!

Jeremy:
Don't you mean ogling--

Juliet:
Whatever!

Brian, Sr:
[After scolding his bewildered son about his own lies] But remember, we pay the rent in this house with honesty. Don't make me raise your rent.

Mei Ling:
Do you really believe his name is Gustav?

Brian, Sr:
What choice do I have. Now at some point you have to just put your faith in humanity. Gotta get to bible study.

Nick:
[Referring to the Karen Darling sex tape] Okay... you the guy who bought it?

Courier:
No, but my boss did... for 3 million dollars.

Nick:
Your boss?

Courier:
Simon Elder. Yeah, he's not the man you think he is. And your boss isn't either.

Nick:
[watching the tape] What the hell are they doing?

Daisy:
The Italian Banker.

Nick:
How do you know that?

Rebecca:
Ah... the reverse Italian Banker.

Nick:
They all said no.

Rebecca:
Told ya, Patrick made the sex tape. Patrick's lying. Patrick's going to be the next lying President of the Unites States of lying America.

Tripp:
Just tell me one thing... Our children, are they all mine?

Tish:
Yes! Absolutely!

Tripp:
[Sighs] Ooh... God.

Tish:
What?

Tripp:
The thought that you can be so sure... that such attention was paid to such a prolonged continuous insult that you can say absolutely, as if it were a favor you did me fondly. Ahh, my God Tish it's so sordid.

Nick:
[Sarcastically] Thanks.

Karen:
I'm sorry.

Freddy:
God, you're a bitch sometimes.

Karen:
[Pouting] I know, its a problem.

Tripp:
[While Brian Jr shakes pepper all over his dinner] Take it easy sailor. You're going to overheat your blood.

Brian, Jr:
Sorry.

Tripp:
I haven't seen a child pepper food that vigorously since you were a boy Brian. Bon Appetit.

Jeremy:
Alright Jules, I'm telling you the truth, okay? I'm, I'm Pluto. I'm cold, distant, and alone.

Juliet:
Okay, well speaking of planets.

Jeremy:
Pluto is not a planet anymore.

Juliet:
It will always be a planet to me.

Mei Ling:
What's the matter?

Brian, Jr:
I need to tell you something.

Mei Ling:
Well, whatever it is you can tell me.

Brian, Jr:
I don't want to go to hell.

Mei Ling:
I don't think there are many children in hell Gustav.

Brian, Jr:
Yeah.. about that.. My name's not Gustav.

Mei Ling:
No? What is it?

Brian, Jr:
Brian... Brian Jr.

Mei Ling:
Is my husband your daddy?

[Brian nods]

Brian, Sr:
Did you buy my son a thirty thousand dollar watch?

Juliet:
It was fifteen percent off.

Brian, Sr:
Are you out of your mind?

Juliet:
No!

Brian, Sr:
You're spoiling him rotten! Now all he does is walk around and mouth off and ask for expensive things. You turned a nice, fake, Swedish orphan into your own personal living doll. Now a watch?! He can't even tell time!

Karen:
Freddy and I have been so overwhelmed with wedding planning that we, um, we need you to go down the City Hall and get our marriage license. You know, do some of that lawyer magic?

Nick:
You have to sign the license in person, Karen.

Karen:
They haven't changed that law yet?

Nick:
No, not yet.

Karen:
Not even for regular customers?

Parking Valet:
How'd you get it fixed in 30 minutes?

Jeremy:
Bought her a new car and changed the plates. Whens lunch break?

Tish:
[Talking about if Karen slept with her ex husband or not when she went to see him] Tell me you didn't!

Karen:
I didn't. [pause] I didn't!

Tish:
Uh...you are unbelievable!

Karen:
He wasn't going to sign otherwise!

Brian, Sr:
Everybody in this family gets away with everything but me.

Tripp:
[about Simon Elder] I'm not a vengeful person Nick. I have endured massive betrayal, and I have responded with patience, and with love. But I will not suffer this man.

Nick:
What do you want to do?

Tripp:
I want to destroy him. I want that s.o.b. completely and utterly destroyed.

Tripp:
[Drunk] Brian, what a wonderful wedding sermon, so much humanity, so much hope. There really is such a kind person buried deep down inside you. Deep, deep down! Inside you... somewhere!?!

Brian, Sr:
Thanks dad.

Brian:
[to a Judge at the Wedding] Well your Honor, the seven deadly sins are not like the Constitution, they can't be amended. So if I were you yes, I'd be worried!

Freddy:
I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. [Joyfully laughs]

Karen:
[Uncomfortably laughing] Oh, I ah, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you too baby. Forever!?!

Master of Ceremony:
[As the elevator doors open up] Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, Mr and Mrs Freddy Mason.

Karen:
[Whispering to Nick] I want a divorce. Now!

Brian, Sr:
You're an evil person. You abandoned your son!

Andrea:
I didn't abandon him! I left him with his father for two months!

Brian, Sr:
Yeah and because you did, my marriage is probably over! My wife and daughters have been in China for two weeks and I don't know when and if they're coming back! Just a little added bonus to your little selfish Walkabout!

Brian, Sr:
I mean, why'd you even come back here?

Andrea:
To see my son! And you... maybe... a little...

Brian, Sr:
[As he goes in to kiss her] Oh crap.

Tish:
Karen Darling, you are not going out there and announcing your divorce during your wedding.

Karen:
Of course, not. I would never ruin a party.

Nick:
Karen, you've been married for less than an hour. Is it possible...?

Karen:
I can tell when these things won't work out, Nick. I'm a pro.

Tripp:
You look like you could use a drink.

Nick:
It's... 9:30 in the morning.

Patrick:
I have this acquaintance for whom I care a great deal.

Simon:
A mistress?

Patrick:
She ah... use to be a Mr.

Simon:
It's none of my business how you like your eggs.

Lisa:
Five days without Nick George? Won't the Darling dynasty crumble in the dust?

Nick:
I think so...but it would be very expensive dust.

Mr. Mitchell:
Is it true you forced Brian, Jr to lie to your wife and pretend he was a Swedish orphan whose parents died in a car accident?

Brian, Sr:
No.

Mr. Mitchell:
No?

Brian, Sr:
It was a bullet train accident, not a car. Get your facts straight.

Brian, Sr:
[to Andrea] I'll give you one million dollars to get up and walk out of here right now.

Mr. Mitchell:
Excuse me?

Nick:
Hey, that's not what we're here to do, Brian. Let me finish.

Brian, Sr:
Two million.

Andrea:
Are you trying to buy my son?

Brian, Sr:
I'm trying to buy our son.

Nick:
Nobody is buying anybody.

Mr. Mitchell:
This is ridiculous. We're leaving.

Brian, Sr:
Three million! We both know it's all about the money with you anyway.

Andrea:
Now I remember why it didn't work with us. You are not a human being.

Andrea:
Brian, that first day that I met you at church, you sat and talked with me for hours about faith and solace.

Brian, Sr:
Yeah, so what about it.

Andrea:
So you are the one who taught me to bring my problems in life to God. Have you thought about doing that?

Nick:
Go ahead.

Tish:
After I told him about my affair...Tripp blackmailed my OBGYN. He was sure that the twins weren't his.

Nick:
But he was wrong.

Tish:
Yes.

Nick:
And Brian is my brother?

Tish:
Brian is your brother.

Dutch George:
I have to get away from you. From all of you. Before it's too late.

Dutch George:
What's the matter?

Tish:
I've made mistakes too.

Dutch George:
What are you talking about?

Tish:
Nick is not your only child.

Ellen:
Where are you on this pain chart?

Patrick:
A 3. But that's the morphine talking.

Bryan:
That's what the church is for. Dragging the ruined past through the messy present into the perfect future and ruining it together.

Karen:
You really know how to treat a woman.

Simon Elder:
Most people want the same thing. Sugar. Salt. Attention.

[Simon kisses Karen]

Karen:
You are the best kisser!