Ed, Edd n Eddy, Season 2

Eddy:
What we have here...is a squirt gun.

Edd:
Please. A 'squirt gun'?

Eddy:
Yeah. A-A Canadian squirt gun.

Ed:
Canadians are weird.

Ed:
Plank reminds me of fresh-cut Spring flowers, spewing across a babbling brook with a hint of lemon.

Eddy:
Ed! What are you doing in my bed?

Ed:
I can't sleep, Eddy. I keep thinking; how can my feet smell if they don't have a nose?

Eddy:
Ed? [Ed makes an inquisitive noise] GET OUT OF MY ROOM! [He boots Ed out of bed]

Ed:
Ow! My buttocks hurt. [Ed's attention is drawn to the lava lamp] Why does goo float?

Eddy:
HIT THE ROAD! [Ed eats the lava lamp] Wha? MY LAMP!

Ed:
[picking Eddy up by his foot] Eddy, why don't birds just take a bus south for the winter?

Ed:
Eddy, when you close the fridge door, does the little light stay on?

Eddy:
GO HOME!

Ed:
[continuing to play with the refrigerator door]: Hello light. Hello light. Hello light. Hello light. Hello light.

Ed:
Eddy, carrots are good for your eyes, can it dial a phone?

Eddy:
You're gonna strain your peanut brain think of something more important. Like...'How to get your face on a dollar bill.'

Ed:
Eddy, why is someone in the kitchen with Dinah?

Eddy:
Uh, Double D up yet?

[Eddy sneaks up behind Edd while he's dismantling a radio]

Eddy:
HEY DOUBLE D!

[Edd squeals and leaps into Ed's arms]

Edd:
Eddy, you know I hate that! [notices Ed] Oh, hello, Ed.

Eddy:
[pulling out a bra from an old dresser] Woo hoo! PG-13!

Ed:
That's my mom's, Eddy.

[Eddy gags and drops the bra]

[Eddy somehow passes his hand behind the sun]

Eddy:
Didja see that? Weird. Oh well, can't beat em, eat em. [He bites into the sun and it turns into a crescent moon] Not bad.

Jimmy:
Jumping Jehoshaphat, who turned out the sun?

[Eddy crawls on his fingers down the hall]

Eddy:
Eddy, you're the man with the scam. You're the big... [He realizes too late that he's reached the stairs] Uh...

[Eddy goes tumbling down the stairs. Outside, Ed is talking to Nazz]

Ed:
So if I join you at the party, can I be a tarantula? Or maybe a salamander?

Eddy:
Party? Wait! [He tries to get out of the bucket] Hey! I'm stuck! Ed! Don't forget Cockroach Eddy.

Ed:
OKAY I GIVE UP!! It's no fun being the last human. So can I be a bumblebee?

[Ed and Edd try to pull Eddy out of the bucket he folded himself into]

Rolf:
Are they from this planet?

Kevin:
No. They're from the Land of the Dorks.

[The Eds' rocket car has taken a hairy ride down an obstacle course]

Ed:
I think I swallowed a turtle.

Eddy:
What country are we in?

Edd:
We're home, Eddy. And we've broken everything but a record.

Ed:
Can I wear a dress again?

[Ed crams the kids inside the rocket car with a broom]

Ed:
Room for one more!

Kevin:
Touch me with that broom and I'll tear off your eyebrow.

Rolf:
Hallo. I will be performing my country's traditional Dance of the Hairless Otter-

Eddy:
Next! No budget for subtitles....

Ed:
[holding two coconuts] Can I shave them?

Edd:
Ed, you don't shave coconuts, you eat them.

Ed:
Like report cards?

Ed:
Um, Double D? [holds up coat hanger] What's this do?

Edd:
That's just a coat hanger, Ed.

Ed:
Oh. Mum's the word.

Eddy:
Nice little soiree, huh, Rolfy-boy?

Rolf:
You have an invitation, overdressed Ed-boy?

Eddy:
[conspiratorially] The crow caws at midnight.

Rolf:
And the cat sours the basil! Rolf would love to talk politics but I must see your invitation!

Eddy:
No problem, stretch... Look! Who's that hairy beast eating all the dip?!

Rolf:
Nana?

Ed:
Oh, cool. This reminds me of the movie, Zombies From The Deep Freeze. A cash cow. This is the part where we'll be torn to pieces, stuffed into ice cube trays, and frozen and used to cool their drinks.

Edd:
Non-alcoholic, I hope.

[The kids have spotted Eddy's fake prize-grabbing machine].

Jimmy:
Did it fall off a truck?

Sarah:
That's how my brother was born.

Kevin:
Prize grabbers are cool.

Eddy:
Whoa; that was fast.

[Ed is holding gift boxes that seemingly appeared out of nowhere.]

Ed:
Jib made you presents.

Kids:
Presents?

Eddy:
I hate Jib.

Eddy:
[to Ed, about Sarah] If she told you to go jump in a lake with a rock tied to your head, and wait for naked photos of you to be developed, so she can hand them out to all the kids in the cul-de-sac, would you?

Ed:
I had socks on, Eddy.

Ed:
My place is the cat's tuxedo. [pets the cow] Right, poochie? [the cow moos]

[Rolf tries to seek refuge in his room, but Edd and Eddy have commandeered his bed]

Eddy:
Turn out that light!

Rolf:
Ah, yes! Sorry, Ed-boy!

Ed:
One plus one equals one on a bun.

Kevin:
What's a trailer doing on my- TRAILER?!

Eddy:
Why don't you Kankers get lost!

Ed:
And forget about any lovey-dovey stuff!

Kankers:
Lovey-dovey!

Eddy:
Ed, you dolt!

Eddy:
[notices a spider on the doorknob] Hit the road. [Plucks the spider off the doorknob and the doorknob fell off. The Eds watch the doorknob as it rolls across the floor, then it falls down into a hole]

Edd:
Tell me that didn't happen.

Ed:
It didn't happen.

Edd:
[repeated line] Sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.

Ed:
[takes out a bottle of mustard from his jacket and squeezes it and a pencil pops up] Alley oop. [hands it to Edd] Here's your mustard, Double D.

Eddy:
He asked for a pen.

Ed:
He asked for mustard. Do you have corn in your ears, mister?

[Sarah and Jimmy enter Sarah's room]

Jimmy:
After you, doctor.

Sarah:
Thank you, Nurse.

[The two catch sight of Edd slumbering on Sarah's bed]

Jimmy:
AAH!

Sarah:
Double D, get out of my room!

Edd:
[drowsy] I'm sleepy, sleepy, sleepy.

[His voice trails off and he falls asleep again]

Jimmy:
Hmm. A severe case of exhaustion, don't you think?

Sarah:
I'm the doctor, and I say he's dead.

[Sarah shakes Edd. Edd rolls over onto his back and sighs contentedly. Jimmy yelps]

Sarah:
He's worser than I thought. Let's operate.

Ed:
Let's drive to the city, fellas.

Edd:
We're too young to drive, Ed.

Ed:
My dad has a shovel.

Eddy:
If we can't get to the city, then let's bring the city to the cul-de-sac.

Edd:
I suppose I'd better find some tape.

Ed:
Not to mention a duck.

Eddy:
Pigeons don't go 'oink', Ed.

Ed:
I'm a gazelle. Oink!

[Jonny's house is destroyed after Ed broke the support beam]

Kevin:
You guys are in so much trouble.

Eddy:
Tell me about it, I lost my money.

Edd:
Let's just do the right thing, Eddy, and work for the rest of our lives to buy Jonny a new home.

Eddy:
Yeah, right. They'll never catch....THE FLYING EDUARDO BROTHERS!

Edd:
You're still wearing that thing?

[The Eds are attempting to make Jonny annoying. Ed laughs as he pulls down a bed. Edd and Eddy look at Jonny, who's wearing a suit]

Edd:
A suit, annoying? I spent two hours counter-balancing chains, and all you can come up with is a suit?

Eddy:
What's with you? It was the most annoying thing I could think of.

Edd:
My father wears a suit.

Eddy:
Exactly.

[Ed squirts some glue under Jonny's sandal, then he sticks a block of wood under it]

Ed:
I glued a block of wood to Jonny's foot.

Edd:
Ed, why did you glue a block of wood to Jonny's foot? And why these chains? And why the suit? Why Jonny?

Eddy:
[to Jonny] Jonny. People really like it when you say WHY ALL THE TIME!

Jonny:
They do? Why? Why? Why?

Ed:
And people really like it when you poke 'em on the head. [poking Eddy's head]

Eddy:
Cut it out, Ed.

Ed:
See? Eddy likes it.

Ed:
Okay. I dare you, Eddy, to sprout the wings of a bat and stomp like a zombie while whistling Row, Row, Row Your Boat through a car wash.

Edd:
Ed, try a more reasonable dare, please.

Ed:
Okay, I dare Eddy to be Double D.

Edd:
Eddy act like me? Why, that's–

Eddy:
Stupid, Ed. You blew your chance to–

Edd:
Y'know, Eddy. It could be quite intriguing. Why, I'd be flattered if you were to mimic me.

Eddy:
Let's see, where do I start? [proceeds to mimic Double D] The wind conditions are absurd. The lean is too steep for the fat.

Ed:
Good Double D, Eddy. [Double D chuckles]

Eddy:
[pretends to strain to budge the bottle, unable to move it an inch] Oh, dear. The unsanitary. My skinny arms cannot bear the weight. Oh oh I know. I'll move it with my brain.

Edd:
[sarcastic] Ha, ha, ha. Very good, Eddy. [spins the bottle] Can we resume playing? [The bottle settles on him.] Oh dear.

Eddy:
Ha! I dare ya to be Ed. Go on, flatter him.

Edd:
Well, I suppose I could, but only if Ed will be Eddy.

Ed:
I can do Eddy, I practiced. [pushes his eyes together] Can it, Double Dweeb!

Eddy:
Whaddya mean you practiced?

Ed:
Shut up, Sockhead!

Eddy:
Please, 'Eddy'. You're invading my personal space. [pushes Ed away. The Eds laugh]

Eddy:
Well?

Ed:
Do me, Double D.

Eddy:
We're waiting.

Edd:
Very well. Uh, let's see now. [manipulates his face so his eyes are spread out across his face] Buttered toast. [The Eds laugh again.]

Rolf:
Hurry, as the raspberries beg to be squashed, Ed-boy.

Ed as Eddy:
Let's sell the squash for cash. Chicken! [hugging it] Pet the chicken, pet the chicken… [sees Edd as Ed] The stupid bird stole my quarter. Flew away with it.

Eddy as Edd:
Excuse me, 'Eddy'. May I fuel inject? Chickens cannot fly, as they are mammals.

Edd as Ed:
I love chickens, Eddy.

[The Eds laugh]

Rolf:
Ed-boy!

Ed as Eddy:
[poking Edd] Wake up, Monobrow.

Edd as Ed:
Oh right. Yes. Ahem. [turning around to face Rolf] I am Ed.

Rolf:
You are not Ed-boy. I must have the large Ed-boy here now. So please, Ed-boy, raspberries to squash. Thank you.

Eddy as Edd:
Rolf said, thank you. Isn't it refurbishing to hear politeness?

Ed as Eddy:
Put a sock in it, sock in it. I got a plan. [pulls Eddy as Edd's sock over him and walks behind Edd as Ed] Hey, burnhead. I will now inflict pain on you.

Edd as Ed:
What? [Ed swings Eddy, knocking Edd into the raspberry silo.] Buttered toast?

Rolf:
No butter, raspberries! Squish the fruit, slowpoke Ed-boy. Rolf needs juice for his great thirst!

Eddy as Edd:
Eddy, I too am thirsty. Quite partial, to be correct.

Edd as Ed:
Parched! The word you're looking for is parched!

Ed as Eddy:
Yeah, right, Lumpy! Parched is a fish! [laughs]

Eddy as Edd:
Intriguing.

Rolf:
You are not Ed. You have cursed my raspberries to the life of salad dressing, impostor with tiny feet!

[Suddenly, the berry juice begins to drain from its container.]

Ed as Eddy:
You know what they say, Double D. [shoves Eddy as Edd's mouth to an opened pipe on the side] If you're thirsty, take a drink. [Eddy as Edd chugs it down and swells up.] Gee, Double D. You really let yourself go. [jumps on Eddy and spits the pipe out] Kids'll pay big money to ride a blimp. You're a genius, Double D.

Edd as Ed:
[popping out of Eddy's sock] You really think I'm a genius?

Eddy as Edd:
Hey, I'm Double D. I'm the genius. [A red-tinted Rolf opens Eddy as Edd's mouth and climbs out.]

Ed as Eddy:
I have caused discomfort 'cause I'm Eddy! [laughs]

[The 'Eds' laugh.]

Rolf:
Rolf has never been so confused.

Edd as Ed:
What in heaven's name is this? A ladle? Oh, my. 'IT'S A TUB OF GRAVY!'

Edd:
Did you know shadow puppetry was one of the oldest forms of entertainment? [made a shadow puppet of a skeleton]

Ed:
Like walnuts?

Ed:
The sound of a babbling brook makes me want to babble, Double D.

Jimmy:
[has fallen through the open manhole] Sarah!

Sarah:
[returning to the manhole] Jimmy! What happened?

Jimmy:
I fell on my tushy, Sarah!

Sarah:
Don't move! I'll save you!

[Sarah pulls out a modified fishing pole and casts it in. She catches Jimmy and hauls him out]

Sarah:
Pee-yew, Jimmy, you stink!

Nazz:
[covering her nostrils] That's putting it mildly.

Eddy:
[from the sewer] Hey! Why don't you let the guy have some fun, huh?

Sarah:
You're in a sewer, idiot. It's dirty, and stinky...

Eddy:
It's called ambiance! It's a swamp ride, get it? What do you girls know about...[A sign is thrown down at him.] No skin off my nose, Sarah. I'm sure Kevin, Rolf, even Jonny will...

Sarah:
They went go-karting.

Eddy:
[popping out of the hole] Go-karting?

Sarah:
And they won't be back till supper. Bye bye. [She throws the manhole cover back on the manhole. As a result, Eddy is hit by the cover and plummets back down into the sludge]

Eddy:
We need to find our more sensitive side.

Ed:
I found my sensitive side, coz it has a rash.

Edd:
Thank you for sharing that with us, Ed.

Ed:
Spending extended time in female company can be mentally disorientating and physically confusing.

Eddy:
What's with you?

Edd:
Ed's trouser-less state seems to have jogged an intellectual moment within the confines of his brain.

Eddy:
Ed? Is that you?

Ed:
......HUG ME!

Eddy:
Well, that didn't last long.

Ed:
HUG!

Eddy:
Ed!

Jimmy:
Pinch me I'm dreaming! Whee! [in the pants] I feel just like Elvis Presley. Jealous? [The golden paint develops cracks] Oh no! [gasped] When will the torment end? [He falls, and the paint on the pants shatters into tiny pieces. He is wearing Ed's pants]

Nazz:
That wasn't gold, fakers!

Sarah:
You gypped us!

Edd:
Exposed.

Eddy:
Busted.

Ed:
Nope. Can't think of a word.

[Nazz snatches the $5 bill from Eddy]

Jimmy:
[a bag over his head] The shame!

Nazz:
Here's your money, Jimmy. [To the Eds] Grow up.

Sarah:
Wait till you get home, Ed.

Jimmy:
Charlatans.

[Ed exposes the scam to the kids]

Edd [tearful]:
Oh, I'm so ashamed... [breaks down, whilst Ed comforts him]

Ed:
There, there, Double D. Santa forgives.

Eds:
[singing at Rolf's front door] We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas– [Rolf opens the door wearing festive native clothing. Confused, Eddy and Double D stop singing, while Ed continues]

Ed:
[singing] ...We wish you a merry Christmas, so give us some cash! [Wilfred oinks]

Rolf:
No cash. A fine strip of bacon, yes? [puts a strip of bacon into the Eds' cash jar]

Jimmy:
Murphy's law, do your stuff! [The clothespin gently taps his foot] Ouch! [He clutches his leg] My foot! It's broken! Owie!

Sarah:
Jimmy?

Jonny:
That clothespin went right for him, Plank!

Sarah:
You okay, Jimmy? [The kids congregate around him]

Jimmy:
Did someone get the number of that launderade?

Nazz:
Poor Jimmy!

[Eddy comes down in a kiddie pool standing on his tongue as his grand finale]

Eddy:
Ta-da! [He sees all the kids leaving]

Jonny:
Plank says clothespins are known to attack at the blink of an eye!

[Jimmy is sprawled on a lawn chair, whimpering. Sarah comes up to him with a glass of water]

Sarah:
Here Jimmy. Drink some water. [Jimmy sips from the glass]

Nazz:
Is there anything we can do for you?

Rolf:
Let Rolf nurture you with a bowl of Nano's pre-chewed seven-course dinner?

Jimmy:
My tummy, Sarah. Pitiless is the tempest sea. [He faints]

Rolf:
Emergency! We must implement the boat procedures.

Eddy:
It was horrible!

Ed:
[Dramatically] Horrible it was. A giant Swedish meatball with a bloodcurdling scream grabbed Eddy in its drooling grasp!

Edd:
[Rolling his eyes] Please.

Rolf:
Rolf has seen this meatball! It stalks Wilfred in the dead of night!

Sarah:
[setting Jimmy on the lawn chair] You stay put here, Jimmy. I'll get some kids to help me carry you to your room. And don't forget to drink, you need to keep your fluids up.

Jimmy:
You forgot the straw, Sarah. [An acorn falls into his drink] An acorn. [He looks up] Hello, Mister Squirrel. You're cute.

Nazz:
You're so brave, Eddy. Is there anything we can do for you?

Eddy:
The fact that I'm surrounded by all my friends is all I need. [He suddenly sees Sarah]

Sarah:
You're just a big faker. Jimmy is the one who's really hurt.

Eddy:
[in a dry voice] Come closer, my child. [He grabs Sarah's shirt and pulls her to him] You tell Jimmy he's out of his league.

Jimmy:
Sarah! Owie! [In the backyard, he has been crushed by a tree]

Nazz:
Not again!

Sarah:
It's Jimmy! Jimmy's in trouble! [Sarah leaves but because Eddy still has a hold on her, she pulls him out of the wheelbarrow onto the ground, much to Kevin's amusement]

Nazz:
[leading the charge back] C'mon, guys!

[Kevin laughs]

Eddy:
Hey, wait! Where ya goin'? Where's my attention?

Jonny:
[running after his friends] Wait up, guys!

[In midair, Eddy runs into Jimmy]

Eddy:
Hit the road, Bubbleboy. What the... [He begins to fall]

Rolf:
Rolf's eyes fool the brain of Rolf.

Kevin:
What are you talking about, man?

Rolf:
Rolf's eyes fool the brain of Rolf. Must I spell it? We have guests.

[Eddy crash-lands on Rolf and Kevin]

Eddy:
It worked! I'm safe! I'm better than Jimmy!

Jonny:
Did 'ya see that, Plank? Great crash, Eddy!

Nazz:
Need any help, dude?

Jimmy:
[floating down] Greetings, earthlings! Oh, you too, Mr. Doggie. You're cute.

[A low growl is heard, and then the bubble suit starts deflating]

Jimmy:
I'm safe! No problem! [his suit tears, and air gushes out] Not safe! Not safe! Help me! [He flies through the Cul-de-sac]

Sarah:
I'm coming, Jimmy!

Nazz:
Wait up, guys!