Everwood, Season 3

Delia:
Dad?

Andy:
What?

Delia:
Dr. Abbot is outside.

Andy:
Now!? What does he want?

Delia:
I don't know, but he's wearing slippers.

Ephram:
I still can't believe my dad let you pick me up instead of him. How did you swing that?

Amy:
It wasn't that hard actually, we did quite a lot of bonding over the summer.

Ephram:
Wha... you bonded with my father?! Why?

Amy:
Well he's a lot funnier than you give him credit for and he's the one person in town that didn't mind me talking about you 24/7.

Ephram:
This is way too weird to process. I am picturing you and my dad splitting a coke at Mama Joys and it's freaking me out.

Amy:
One coke. Two straws.

Ephram:
Stop it.

Amy:
[after she sees Ephram] Oh my God, he's here how weird is that? It's like we're always in the same place, it's like fate or something.

Rose:
Well, it could be that there's only one Main Street in Everwood but fate is nice too.

Ephram:
Delia was wearing a dress.

Andy:
Yeah, I know. It's weird.

Harold:
Are you implying that I'm wooden?

Andy:
Wooden? You are a 2-by-4!

Amy:
I just quit yearbook.

Ephram:
Damn! I just signed up.

Andy:
Harold! No wait! [The sprinklers turn on, Harold looks at Andy] I was gonna say... go right.

Delia:
What's wrong with you?

Ephram:
Broke up with Amy.

Delia:
Already?!

Ephram:
Shut up Delia.

Ephram:
[to Amy] You turned your schedule into something the president couldn't even handle! Not that that's saying much...

Nina:
[To Andy] Oh please, if I got upset hearing about every guy who cheated on his wife, I'd have to give up my soaps and you know I'd never do that.

Amy:
[After Ephram messes up and stops playing] You know you'd think that since you practice so much you wouldn't suck so bad.

Ephram:
Yeah, well if you didn't study so much you would know that guys don't care if chicks are smart. [Amy hits him and Ephram blocks]

Ephram:
First of all, even if Hannah did have a crush on me... which I don't think she does... she'd be way too terrified to ever do anything about it. [Long pause] Unlike your friend Katie.

Amy:
What did Katie do?

Ephram:
She totally grabbed my ass in gym the other day.

Amy:
She did what?!

Amy:
What do you think about Brian Cummings? Do you think he's cute?

Ephram:
Well, I should make something clear right off the bat - I don't do threesomes.

Amy:
When you like someone, you try not to let them know, but when you hate someone you try to be nice so they don't know. But when you love someone...

Andy:
I've got to go pick up Delia from Brittany's. Apparently, fifth grade sucks. But she's convinced that some hot chocolate syrup and rocky road will help make it better.

Harold:
You'll never guess who I ran into today.

Bright:
Paris Hilton.

Harold:
Who? No.

Delia:
What are you guys talking about?

Andy:
Cheese! Uh--cake. Cheesecake.

Andy:
First of all, her--whosiwhatsit was under her bed.

Mrs. Clark:
Is this a joke to you!?

Nina:
I told you from the start that you should talk to her if she brought it up and instead you said 'cheesecake'!

Andy:
It was a reflex!

Ephram:
My school work doesn't inspire me.

Andy:
Yeah, but if you give it up, I'll kill ya.

Ephram:
I just thought I could have it all.

Andy:
Well, you can't.

Ephram:
You wanna think about that some more before you crush my spirit completely?

Delia:
Nina, if you have all these different clothes, how come you look the same every day?

Nina:
Don't make me cry Delia. I just put on mascara.

Delia:
You're scarring me for life!

Andy:
Welcome to the club!

Andy:
Can I bug you?

Ephram:
Mission accomplished.

Edna:
[to Jake] By the way, next time you're at the dentist, ease off on the bleaching. Hurts my eyes.

Ephram:
[to Andy] I'm not scared of what happens if I fail and don't get into Julliard. I'm scared of what happens if I do. If I go to Julliard, then... that's it. One thing. Piano. I'll be just like you were before she died. It took Mom dying to wake you up. I don't wanna have to lose something to keep myself from turning into you.

Bright:
[to Amy and parents] They're all great schools if you want to be in Boston or New York. There's also a lot of good piano schools in that area.

Amy:
I'm upset because this whole thing is embarrassing.

Edna:
Farting in a public restroom is embarrassing.

Amy:
I guess it's a good thing I stayed on the pill.

Ephram:
You are? Since when?

Amy:
Last year. For Tommy.

Ephram:
You went on the pill for that creep!?

Harold:
[about stopping Amy and Ephram from having sex] This is over, isn't it?

Andy:
Not necessarily. They're teenagers. There's a chance they may screw up the relationship before they ever get to the sex.

Hannah:
It's stupid. Boy stuff.

Nina:
There is NOTHING stupid about boy stuff.

Andy:
You know what I miss? I miss the subway.

Jake:
Ok... random.

Andy:
It's snowing.

Amanda:
Yep.

Andy:
I'm cold.

Amanda:
Uh huh.

Andy:
My toes are frozen.

Amanda:
You live in the mountains, get used to it.

Amy:
My dad cries every time I beat him at tennis.

Ephram:
Really?

Amy:
No.

Andy:
[To Amanda] Music therapy takes time and patience. But if you think it's not working, just tell me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it.

Amy:
[To Hannah] I'll just find a way to bring (sex) up in a casual way.... Psh I can be casual.

[Next scene]

Amy:
So why haven't you tried to have sex with me yet?

Ephram:
Wha... what do you mean I haven't tried?

Amy:
Well, have you?

Ephram:
No, I mean I haven't done everything I could do, but it's not like you have given me any indication that you wanted me to.

Amy:
How am I supposed to indicate that?

Ephram:
Oh I don't know, maybe not flinching every time my hand grazes your belt buckle.

Amy:
I don't flinch.

Ephram:
Uh, yeah you do.

Amy:
No, I don't!

Ephram:
Heh, yeah you do. Do you want me to show you right now? 'Cause it's actually pretty funny.

Hannah:
Did you and Ephram have a good time at the drive in?

Amy:
Eh, it was...whatever.

Hannah:
How was the movie?

Amy:
I don't know.

Hannah:
Oh right, you guys were probably...

Amy:
No. Not even. We played the how long can we kiss before it gets so unbearably boring that I'd actually rather watch someone get eaten by a giant centipede.

Hannah:
Is that a game?

Amy:
No Hannah, it's my life.

Amy:
So Saturday night? 8:00?

Ephram:
For sex? 8:00, 9:00, 7:30...

Amy:
Good, so you bring the condoms and I'll see if I can score us some of my mom's fried chicken for after.

Amy:
It's all about how men and women are made to feel inadequate about their bodies.

Hannah:
They should have just named this chapter: Hannah.

Rose:
Just remember. We were only two years older than they are now when we first...

Harold:
Yes. Yes. And God punished us with Bright.

Andy:
Ok, you're right, I am in a bad mood.

Harold:
Really? Forgive my undropped jaw.

Amy:
When are you going to accept my Lord?

Ephram:
When you stop persecuting my people.

Hannah:
[To Amy] He loved books. Not the insides, but like the covers, the way they smelled. I just like the insides. He said that that made us a perfect fit.

Nina:
[To Andy] If you talk to me in that crappy I'm a doctor voice one more time I'm gonna knee you in the nuts.

Bright:
They stop because they can't help themselves. It's not like they wanna see a bunch of body parts spewed all over the road, you know. Intellectually speaking they know that would make them hurl. But they stop anyways, because they can, because it's there.

Ephram:
So according to this rationale, seeing Madison's band will make me wanna hurl, so that's a reason to go? Interesting theory.

Ephram:
I seriously wish I was the one in that hospital bed right now.

Andy:
Because bleeding ulcers are so fun?

Andy:
When did you get so smart?

Ephram:
I'm a senior, dad. It's about time.

Andy:
[when he sees Jake doing Yoga] God, please let this be a hallucination from the drugs.

Delia:
At least they (boys) have control over their bodies. Stuff doesn't just happen to them without them letting it happen.

Amy:
Well, um, let me put it this way. In a couple years when a boy gets called up to the chalkboard to do a math problem and he brings his textbook with him, just remember this little conversation, okay?

Ephram:
Ya know, this place is so world-renowned, you'd think they'd be able to afford to decorate.

Amy:
Easy there, Queer Eye, it's not a design center.

Bright:
I'm totally going into medicine.

Amy:
You might have to start by going to college first.

Amy:
I've wanted to be a ballerina ever since I was a little girl.

Harold:
Yeah. And you also wanted to be a princess and an astronaut, and, I believe, a carrot at one point.

Nina:
Wow...

Jake:
Yeah?

Nina:
I mean, damn. You can kiss.

Bright:
Truth is, Ephram, there is a silver lining. You just fail to see it. I think that's part of your problem.

Ephram:
Thank you, Dr. Phil.

Bright:
No, seriously. You came here on your first day and you met Amy. Because you're all wiggy in love with her, it takes your mind off what probably would've been a pretty nightmare year.

Ephram:
I was not wiggy.

Amy:
Jealousy is such a pointless emotion, just a complete total waste of energy.

Hannah:
Really. So you never feel jealous of Madison?

Amy:
That's different. She's an ex.

Ephram:
Isn't fraternizing with a coworker, like, illegal?

Bright:
[Laughs] I don't know what you just said, man, but it's not like we're frat brothers.

Ephram:
Well it's a new order of the tracks. If I pick Bach, it says I'm ambitious. If I pick Chopin, it says I'm traditional.

Andy:
Which one says you're OCD?

Ephram:
It's like tragedy's the only thing we have in common. It's practically the reason we're friends.

Bright:
So, you know, at least we all found each other. We are friends.

Ephram:
But the point is, we got screwed. We're like way older than it says on our driver's licenses.

[Bright brings Hannah to the porch]

Hannah:
Are we getting beamed somewhere?

Bright:
How cool would that be!

[Amy comes down to living room]

Amy:
You are such an ass.

Ephram:
[to Bright] One of us is in trouble.

Amy:
You are completely ruining her [Hannnah's] life, did you know that?

Ephram:
Well, that rules me out.

Ephram:
Well, you could be a gigolo.

Bright:
Dude, you're forgetting I'm like, twice your size.

Ephram:
No, seriously, go pro 'man whore.' Combine all your natural talents. Plus, no tie, flexible hours.

Bright:
Maybe I should just join a convent.

Ephram:
That's nuns!

Bright:
I know.

Hannah:
Wow! Sounds like the plot of a bad indie film. Maybe we could get Zach Braff to direct it.

Bright:
[to Amy, walking in with package from Ephram] The guy has been in New York for like 30 minutes and he's already sent you a care package. Will that guy ever run out of ways to be your bitch?

Madison:
E.C.C. was just starting to feel like a stall. Taking classes didn't really matter. People who didn't want to do much with themselves just wasn't my lifestyle anymore.

Ephram:
You outgrew your beer bottle.

Andy:
You have to understand something, honey - that fair doesn't always mean equal. Ephram's older and it's very different. And I promise you that when you become a teenager, you'll get the same exact treatment.

Delia:
So I'll get an ugly car too.

Andy:
Well, you gotta take the bad with the good.

Bright:
Hannah, if you say 'thank you' or 'sorry' one more time, I think I'm gonna have to kill myself.

Hannah:
Sorry.

Bright:
Problems?

Hannah:
Just a little frustrated with God right now. I mean, He talks to Joan of Arcadia, like, five times a week. Tells her to go out for cheerleading. My problem is way bigger, and I can't even get His attention.

Hannah:
And I'll always be happy to take care of your kids for you when you and Ephram need a little nookie time.

Amy:
Hannah!

Hannah:
What? I've heard the stories about your grandparents.

Amy:
OK, you've officially lost your maid of honor status.

Brian:
[to Jake] Pin an ear back now and then. Do a little lipo. . . . You could buy a Lexus just starting with the chicks I saw last night in a bar. They were actually watching wrestling on TV, swear to God!

Hannah:
I just think you and Ephram should start off with more of a bang.

Amy:
Yes, but we're not technically starting. It's more like, we almost got cancelled and then everyone decided that they loved us, so we got picked up for another season.

Amy:
You know what it is? It's that this whole time, you've been thinking about me. Always making sure that I'm okay, no matter what.

Ephram:
Is that…is that wrong?

Amy:
No, no. It's just that I was always thinking about us.

Amy:
[to Hannah] Just enjoy it, okay. Sometimes you forget to appreciate these moments and then suddenly you're back into your normal life trying to remember what it felt like.

Bright:
Boyfriend? Topher's not Hannah's boyfriend.

Ephram:
They've gone on three dates; he took her to prom. What else would you call him?

Bright:
Personally, I'd call him an asshat!

Amy:
May we please order some food? I'm starving and Bright is threatening to cook.

Bright:
You're cooking?

Hannah:
Don't worry, you don't have to eat it if it's bad.

Bright:
No, it's not that...

Hannah:
I had to learn early, you know? I'm just giving you the heads up in case you want to order pizza.

Bright:
No, it's just, you've been doing this for your family for like, ever, it just doesn't seem right that you have to do it for mine too.

Hannah:
It feels right to me.

Jake:
It's going to be okay, all right? [starts breathing in and out]

Nina:
Please don't go all yoga on me right now.

Bright:
[to Amy] I will smother you with my ass cheeks if I have to!

Andy:
[to Nina] That life I want, I can't have it without you.

Doctor Harold:
Good to hear it, by the way?

Ephram:
What is?

Doctor Harold:
Your playing, it is as good as they say. That was an arrangement from Bash motet, wasn't it?

Ephram:
Well it is an attempt, at least. My teacher got me taken down the cording structure. He's evil. I didn't know you knew music, do you play?

Doctor Harold:
I want it too but as with surgeon, I was born with the ear but not the hands. God has a strange sense of humor. I am his favorite channel.

Ephram:
I am working all night on the avocado. Usually it just comes to me but when I get stuck, it can take a while.

Doctor Harold:
You are so much like your father. You just described what it is to be gifted and you don’t even know it. The part that you call effortless that would be the life ambition of the less blessed and the part that is a bit more work that is an act that they won’t even be able to follow.

Ephram:
Well the experts seem to disagree; I have paperwork from very expensive schools to prove it.

Doctor Harold:
Yeah, that’s the technique. But the part that can’t actually be taught, grated or improved. What you have been given is more like the rain, it simply happens nothing can alter its timing or course, you just have to dress for the occasion.

Irv:
[voiceover] People came from far to the mountain towns, I came from the North to find purpose but Doctor came from a city to escape regret. Fate had other plans for both of us. You could argue its better to be neglected by fate than well attended. When it marks you for favor, you can bet your life will change, rarely for the better, though always deeper. The most costly casualty is always the heart; nothing hurts so much as that. Like sacrificing your queen, you can still play, only you can’t help feel that the gain is already lost. But strangely, cruelly, a distraught heart keeps beating no matter how much you wish it would stop. So you take another breath. Another step. You wake again to the unsympathetic sun. You go through the motions, pretending for all the world to be a warm-bloody creature. The doctor and I, we both knew a lot about that, we both came a long way only to find that purpose doesn’t last… And regret can burn a hole through any happiness. And that, just when you think, fate is done kicking you around and maybe its time to hope again. That’s when the real surprises come.

Andy:
I mean, I could wallow in self pity but what would be the point of that?

Nina:
Oh, you don't need a point to wallow, that's the beauty of the wallow.

Amy:
Do you remember saying about him that he loved you of course, that he grow up in Long Island, graduated from Juilliard but didn't like touring so he got into teaching.

Ephram:
Do you remember everything I say, because that's a little scary?

Harrold:
May I come in?

Andy:
I don't know, are you going to hit me?