Everybody Loves Raymond, Season 2

Raymond:
Did I say cinamum on the show?

Debra:
No, that's only to remember for when we go to iHop.

Frank:
I could have eatin a box of alphabits and crapped a better interview!

Debra:
What are you supposed to do Ray, take away her naptime?

Ray:
If she keeps misbehaving, we're taking away something that is important to her! What've you done?

Frank:
Why do you think that is? Why do you think that is, Marie?!

Marie:
I'm sleeping here tonight!

Frank:
Good!

Frank:
I don't care what you say. Just get him out of the house. It's depressing.

Marie:
...and E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through it. {sic} You know that. What's E-G-B-D-F?

Raymond:
Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.

Marie:
I don't like that Raymond. It's Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge.

Raymond:
...or Eric Gunzel Boinked -

Marie:
Oh Raymond!

Raymond:
That's - that's how I remember it. You've got the fudge way.

Debra:
This is what I have to put up with--your mother coming over here and telling me that I should make myself available to you!

Raymond:
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did you just have sex with me because my mother told you to? (Wailing in disgust) Ewwwww! How sick is that?!

Debra:
Very!

Raymond:
I'm thinking of my mother now!

Debra:
(getting grossed-out herself) Ewwwwww!

Raymond:
Ewwwww! Why would you listen to her?

Debra:
Because I love you, Ray! I care about you! I'm not the one running off to play golf to get away from me!

Raymond:
You don't think I care about you? Why do you think I'm confessing? Don't you see, I feel guilty?! Guilt! That means love! I had to come home and confess!

Debra:
Yeah, but you waited until after we had sex.

Raymond:
Well, you're very good-looking!

[after reading an insulting letter from Debra to Marie]

Frank:
Is this a petition? Where do I sign?

[Debra walks in]

Frank:
You're my favorite writer!

[Frank is showing Ray and Robert how to act at a Civil War Re-enactment]

Frank:
Okay, I was just about to show Robert how to act when you get shot.

Ray:
What, like upset?

Frank:
No, it's got to be realistic. Here, let me show you. Robert, make a gunshot noise.

Robert:
What caliber, .22 or .45?

Frank:
Ray.

Ray:
Bang.

[Frank grabs his chest and backs off]

Frank:
[yelling] I'm hit! Keep fighting, men. Kill those rebel bastards!

[Frank backs away some more, in an overly dramatic pose and after a few seconds lies still]

Frank:
Abigail. Dear Abigail, my pretty non-nagging Civil War wife.

[Frank gurgles and then finishes his acting by rolling his eyes. Ray and Robert stare on in disbelief. Frank gets up.]

Frank:
See? Getting shot is fun.

Ray:
Not if you're watching.

Aunt Zarina:
Holy Crap!

Ray:
(sees Debra packing up cooking stuff) So what now, you're running away to cooking school?

Debra:
What I don't get is why you couldn't see my side of this? You're so busy defending your saint of a mother that you made me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase! Well who's the nutcase now Ray!? WHO'S THE NUTCASE NOW!?!?

Ray:
Okay, the meatballs are not exactly like my mother's, but I am saying to you: We have a house...we have a car...our student loans are paid off. You should be able to sleep!

Raymond:
Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)

Andy:
They're turning off your service.

Raymond:
Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.

Andy:
Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?

Raymond:
She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.

Andy:
Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.

Raymond:
(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills) Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.

Andy:
Well, here's why. Your check bounced.

Raymond:
What?

Andy:
Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!

Raymond:
What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!

Andy:
Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.

Raymond:
(still not getting it) But I make more than enough money.

Andy:
Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!

Raymond:
I trusted the bank!

Andy:
(incredulous) You didn't reconcile your checkbook?

Raymond:
(barely keeping track) Huh?

Andy:
(frustrated) You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?

Raymond:
I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.

Andy:
Yeah, that's smart. No money, either. Look at this. Debra had everything under control--

Raymond:
(sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra! I'm sick of this money stuff! Just tell me what I have to do!

Andy:
(handing the checkbook back to Raymond) First, you gotta take last month's ending balance, then you add the interest accrued on the account, then you add all the checks that we know have cleared-- (annoyed that Raymond isn't half-way paying attention) --Ray, what did I just say to you?

Raymond:
Accrued.

Andy:
All right, Ray, you had your fun with Mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her. (He reaches for the checkbook)

Raymond:
(defensive) No! I'm not giving it back to her, 'cause then she's gonna know I couldn't do this!

Andy:
Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.

Raymond:
Look, Andy, how bad can it be? It's only been six weeks.

Andy:
That's what makes it so shocking.

Debra:
Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.

Raymond:
Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)

Debra:
(incredulous) A third checkbook?

Raymond:
Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.

Debra:
What check did you bounce?

Raymond:
I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.

Robert:
Hello, Police Department.

Marie:
(frantic) Robbie, how's Raymond. Is he all right.

Robert:
Ma!

Raymond:
[gets kicked in the groin] Ooh!

Debra:
What?! What's wrong? What happened?

Raymond:
You kicked me!

Debra:
I did?

Raymond:
Oh...right in the garden of good and evil.

Debra:
Honey, I'm sorry. What is--? [pulls the covers to reveal Ally in the bed] Oh. I think we found the kicker.

Raymond:
What is she doing in our bed again? It's every night. [still in pain] Good God, y'all.

Debra:
Is there anything I can do?

Raymond:
You can learn to love half a man.

Debra:
So it was just the once and then you got married?

Frank:
It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!

Marie:
Oh, Frank! No!

Frank:
Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!

Ray:
Dad. Others.

Frank:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, my wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.

Robert:
Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.

Ray:
Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?

Robert:
Not on my watch.

Raymond:
Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.

Frank:
They will if it was used by the pope! Hey you, are you catholic, you like hot soup?!