Family Guy, Season 14

Brian:
[referring to George R. R. Martin] God, he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

Quagmire:
How do you think NBA players get all those chicks? They're all great cooks. Except for Kobe Bryant. His secret is different.

Quagmire:
[referencing an awful Korean Taco] Ugggh! This tastes like Ani DiFranco after a bike ride!

Stewie:
[seductively to a little girl at nap time in school] Hey? Are you up? Guess where I have a crayon...

Bud:
Thanks for the ride along. I liked it when you sentenced those two girls to kiss each other.

Peter:
Yeah, all girls are lesbians when you point a gun at them.

Brian:
Hey, what are you doing home so early?

Stewie:
He's following me, Brian.

Brian:
Who's following you?

Stewie:
Tom Cruise. I spent one afternoon with the guy and it's like I signed an eight-year contract to show up at events with him and let him fake-father a child.

Brian:
Stewie, I think Tom Cruise has better things to do than follow you around.

Stewie:
Oh really, well explain that. [points at Tom Cruise outside]

Brian:
You know, it's times like this where I think, if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

Peter:
You know I'm terrible at waitin' for things.

Announcer:
We'll be right back with more Laverne & Shirley.

Peter:
But I want it NOW! [kicks the TV then trashes the entire living room]

Stewie:
I like to eat a big bowl of berries before I go to sleep.

Stewie:
You're just horrible. You're even worse than those people who take dumps in the shower.

[cut to Meg taking a shower]

Meg:
What? Why are you cutting to me? What did somebody say? Whatever they say I do, I don't do.

[the guys hear a scream and turn to Peter who is holding his smartphone]

Peter:
Sorry, someone e-mailed me a video of a sheep screaming.

Lois:
Oh, my God! Peter, come look at the newspaper! "Jan Itter dead".

Peter:
(gasps) What?! No!

Lois:
Right here, my college roommate, Jan Itter. She passed away yesterday.

Peter:
A-are we seriously doing this? Because I didn't get like, any sleep last night.

Lois:
What are you freaking out about? You didn't even know her.

Peter:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. [leaves the kitchen]

Lois:
You and the guys killed and buried a man?!

Peter:
Aah! I knew you would find out!

Lois:
Find out about what? I just got David Sedaris's new book: "You and the Guys Killed and Buried a Man".

Peter:
Okay, I am seriously on edge, and this thing we're doing, I'm not happy about it, and that's a very odd title for a humorist book!

Lois:
Peter, you're acting weird. Just go to the other room.

Peter:
I don't wanna go to the other room! I wanna stay here and see what you're seeing 'cause you're saying things that are different than what they are!

Lois:
Peter, you're gonna have a heart attack. I won't say anything else. I'll let you relax.

Brian:
It's just when you've read as many books as I have [chuckles] it takes a toll, you know?

Stewie:
Are you sure it's not from watching too much close-up porn on your phone?

Peter:
What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65 and three are many exceptions based on genetics and diet.

Cleveland:
That's stupid. I've never heard of somebody living to 65.

Peter:
I'm very easily influenced by music.

[Brian and Chris return from biking]

Chris:
Apologies for being so tardy.

Peter:
Ah, Chris, you're not tardy. We tested you twice.

Joe:
[demonic voice] I see the six stations of the Lord's order, and they will all burn!

Lois:
And then I said something random that suggested a whole crazy story!

Carter:
I couldn't figure out how to use your oven, so I destroyed it in a blind rage.

Quagmire:
Peter's a good friend. Not like Cleveland.

Peter:
Or you can pull the hose out of the bucket and let the hose run free.

Peter:
There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news.

Lois:
The secret to happiness is burying all your true feelings and living a life of bland compromise.

Peter:
Hey, Meg, look, they're little trees!

Brian:
[trying to pick up Tori] You know, some people are okay with a drive-through car wash. Me, I'm a fan of the hand job.

[Stewie observes Brian on a leash held by a strange man]

Stewie:
Brian? What are you doing on a leash? And who's that?

Brian:
[quietly] Shhh, be cool. This is the guy whose wife I'm banging.

Stewie:
Oh, what a romantic way to put it.

Brian:
Yeah, it's great. I just pretend to be their dog, and then when he leaves for work, I get to go to the "pound" if you know what I mean.

Cleveland:
You want the media to go away? Just mention black-on-black crime.

Brian:
I'm just saying. It's no surprise that justice isn't colorblind.

Brian:
I don't think it's lost on any of us that the laws are written on white paper.

Lawyer:
Don't worry, Mr. Griffin. You're every bit as sympathetic as this chubby-cheeked coco angel.

Joe:
Public opinion has shifted, and the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.

Peter:
Who the hell are the boys upstairs?

Peter:
Lois, I am an unelected vigilante and take my job very seriously.

[the guys watch Quagmire's Korean soap opera]

Peter:
Wow, that girl's hot.

Quagmire:
That's a guy.

Peter:
That other guy's handsome.

Quagmire:
That's a girl.

Peter:
That cat is cute.

Quagmire:
That's a dog.

Peter:
WHAT IS EVERYTHING?!

Quagmire:
Wow, this is even more pussy than I can handle!

Cleveland:
[thinking] Is he gonna say "Giggity"? Should I say "Giggity"? Are other people allowed to say "Giggity"? [talking] Giggity.

Peter:
What?

Cleveland:
[mumbles] Nothing, it's stupid.

[Peter leads the family in prayer]

Peter:
Dear God, it's the Griffins. Again, we're very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death, but we still want a snowmobile. Today though, please let there be money in our bank account. Amen.

Family:
Amen.

Peter:
Hey, Lois, check out what I found with my metal detector.

[empties a bag full of Purple Hearts]

Lois:
Are those...are those Purple Hearts?

Peter:
Yeah, some idiot buried like 100 of them in this big lawn underneath bone cages.

Lois:
Peter! I think you desecrated a military graveyard!

Brian:
Hey, guys, there are four jeeps outside our house.

[Peter and Carter are having a boring time at the Griffin home]

Carter:
Now what do you want to do?

Peter:
Well, we could watch porn. Have you heard of porn? Is that something you're aware of?

Carter:
[excited] You have postcards from France?

Carter:
Tear it all down, now! Or I'm canceling Kwanzaa!

Thug:
What is "Kwanzaa"?

Carter:
Ha! I knew it wasn't real!

[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]

Cleveland:
Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.

[Cleveland samples the song]

Cleveland:
It says "Around the World", by Daft Punk."

Quagmire:
Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.

Peter:
Hey, Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?

Joe:
I am not an idiot.

Cleveland:
I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.

Peter:
Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?

Cleveland:
I don't know. Be my guest.

[Peter farts into it]

Peter:
It says "Lana Del Rey."

Lois:
What are you doing?

Peter:
Well, I just found out about these things called Apps, so that's kind of all I do now.

Lois:
Out!

Stewie:
What?

Referee:
Your ball was long.

Stewie:
[angry] Are you shitting me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalize us because you're a blind, fucking, blue jacket piece of shit?!

Brian:
Stewie, calm down!

Stewie:
I will drop you to your knees and shove my racket so far down your throat, you'll be shitting my grip for a week!

Referee:
Warning, Mr. Griffin.

Stewie:
Oh, you're warning me? I'm warning you! I'm gonna go to your house and fuck your wife!

Stewie:
You proud of yourself? Tennis Club security guard? Your kids look up to you? Big man, throwing out a baby and a dog. Tough guy. Maybe I'll see you later when you don't have that name tag on.

Security Guard:
I thought your shot was in.

Stewie:
[happy] Oh, hey! Pound it, dude!

Tricia:
Joyce, I'm standing here on the streets of Quahog, where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law.

R.J.:
I was going to bone my girlfriend, but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved, there was no way.

Peter:
[whistling after Brian] Come here, boy! Come on!

Brian:
[happily wags his tail] Hey, what's up? Are we going for a ride in the car?

Peter:
No, I had a question for you.

Brian:
Don't EVER do that unless you have a car ride to offer!

Stewie:
I want you to come inside me while I'm asleep.

Brian:
No, don't. Don't say it like that.

Stewie:
And once you're in my dream, your job is to stop these nightmares by finding that monster and killing him! This isn't a job for the meek, Brian. When you get in there, you've got to be hard.

Brian:
Okay, but that felt intentional.

[inside Stewie's dream, Brian and Stewie happen upon a jumbo-sized Tom Tucker at Channel 5 News]

Tom:
Adult stuff. Adult stuff. Adult stuff. The world is scary. Adult stuff. Adult stuff. Scary people yelling in another part of the world. Adult stuff.

Stewie:
[screams] I wish Mom wouldn't watch the news in front of me! [he and Brian flee]

Tom:
Coming up, a map with a hurricane on it, and you don't know your states yet!

Joe:
Peter, I'm going crazy up here.

Cleveland:
We all are. You gotta talk to Lois.

Peter:
Damn it, you're right. Lois, let us out of here!

Lois:
No way! You like it so much?! Then you can rot up there with your buddies!

Peter:
Lois, so help me God, if you don't let us out right this second, I'm gonna take a dump on your wedding dress!

Lois:
You wouldn't dare!

Peter:
Don't test me. I'll do it! We'll all do it! Quagmire, pull down your pants!

Quagmire:
What I'm not doing with that?!

Lois:
You leave my dress alone, Peter!

Cleveland:
If we'll don't get us out of here, I'll make a doodie on it.

Quagmire:
What are you nuts?!

Cleveland:
I've been crowning for 6 hours!

Peter:
Cleveland's pants are off, Lois! Here come mine! This is happening!

Quagmire:
Lois, they're not bluffing! Open the door!

Joe:
I miss Bonnie!

Lois:
Damn it, Peter, you hold that in! I know you can you did it on the ferry to Block Island!

Quagmire:
Oh my God, I'm gonna puke!

Peter:
That's good! Puke on the dress! Puke on the dress!

Lois:
[angry sighs] Dammit! [she comes into the bathroom to grab a towel holder off]

Man (over headphones):
Not all snake bites are lethal.

Lois:
[she caves in and pries the door open, dumping them on the floor] There! You happy!?

Cleveland:
You were too late. We pooed on the gown.

Joe:
Ripped a big hole in your ceiling, too.

Quagmire:
I barfed on Peter's ass. I-I don't know if it got on the dress or not, Lois, but I-I am...I am so sorry.

Peter:
Yeah, this was all a huge disaster.

Lois:
[inhales] Let's just agree that we both went a bit too far, hmm?

Quagmire:
I might need 2 weeks off from this friendship...

Stewie:
[Sarcastic] Oh, I sure hope the dog approves of who I am. I'm outta here, weirdo. There's a wedding dress out here covered in shit.

[Peter discovers that Brian kissed Bonnie]

Peter:
What?!

Brian:
I know, I know. It was a huge mistake. Let's just do two or three high-fives and forget it ever happened.

Principal Shepherd:
Good morning, children. It's that time of the year again to fulfill your community service requirements by signing up for volunteer work.

Meg:
Do we get to choose our jobs?

Principal Shepherd:
No, no no no. The jobs will be assigned randomly, but the cooler and prettier students have the better jobs. For instance, the blond chick in the third row will wash my car this afternoon. While Little Miss Frumpkin with all the questions will work in the old folks' home.

Meg:
Is Frumpkin good?

Principal Shepherd:
[chuckles] NO. No.

Peter:
Before you read that, you need to know one thing. I'm the one who's been throwing out your beige bras. Guys don't like beige bras.

Peter:
Gretchen? Wow. You look great.

Gretchen:
Yeah. I didn't have kids, so...

Stewie:
Hey, it's Stewie. All I know about cars is what my mom does.

Cleveland:
Grab that letter opener over there. I'm going to show you why you should never mail cash.

Peter:
Is that the one where they make him dress in little shorts and hats like the guy from AC/DC?

Brian:
Yeah. Why does he wear that outfit?

Peter:
'Cuz he rocks!

Cleveland:
I'd be happy to get you an interview. And as a white woman, you'd be the minority here. Unless you're an alcoholic.

Peter:
I know I'm a nerd, but I have a thing for rich guys.

Stewie:
I ate a dime once. It became a manhole cover for like three days, then pow!

Lois:
I've never seen a bulge in the front of a man's pants before.

Lois:
Why don't you ask my index and middle finger?

Peter:
You know, Brian, this wouldn't have happened if you were just honest with women and had an ounce of integrity!

Brian:
Don't pull rank on me! You ate a ring, you worthless tub of crap!

Chris:
Yeah? Well, who's gonna fish through a tub of crap soon, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie:
Whoa, whoa! Let's calm down, guys!

Chris:
SHUT UP, you unemployed butt-munch!

Stewie:
Okay, he found a burn he likes.

Stewie:
Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.

Brian:
Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?

Stewie:
[loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.

Lois:
They have security guards in the bathroom. We live in such a culture of fear now.

Stewie:
Shut up, hat, that's my brother. They're not gonna mess with him. He's the man. He's got real Griffin beef in his trousers.

Peter:
Cleveland, you didn't tell us you had plans with Jerome.

Cleveland:
Some things are my business. You don't tell me when you play with yourself.

Peter:
If you checked my Twitter feed, I wouldn't have to.

Quagmire:
You know, this is great, guys. Drinking and eating garbage. I'm glad we all took a mental health day.

Lois:
Well, Chris, looks like another day of nobody joining us for lunch.

Chris:
Yeah, we never should have let that blind girl touch our faces.

[Brian is talking about his broken computer to Pam over the phone]

Pam:
So, what seems to be the problem?

Brian:
Well, one problem I have is that I have too much money.

Pam:
Then why don't you just buy a new computer?

Brian:
What? ... Uh, ... I ...

Pam:
Oh, I am just bursting your balls.

Brian:
People in love can overcome anything.

Stewie:
I guess you're right. I mean look at Jeb Bush and his wife.

[cutaway to Jeb Bush and his wife]

Jeb:
Honey, do you think I'll ever become president?

[screen pans out, revealing Consuela to be portraying the role of Columba]

Consuela:
No ... no ... no.

[back to Brian and Stewie]

Brian:
[angry] Stewie!

Stewie:
What? It's just a joke.

Brian:
Yeah, but come on!

Stewie:
Look it up, man. Google her!

Brian:
[admittedly] I know what she looks like.

Stewie:
I can't believe we're in India. Oh, look over there. Those cute little kids are playing Cowboys and Indians and Indians.

[three kids are seen pretending to be a cowboy, a Native American Indian, and an Indian]

Kid #1:
I'm gonna shoot you with my six-gun.

Kid #2:
I'm gonna shoot you with my bow and arrow.

Kid #3:
I'm just going to stand here, wearing a shirt that appears to be a jacket.

[Brian and Padma meet in person for the first time]

Pam:
Brian?

Brian:
Pam

Pam:
Why are you here?

Brian:
Because I was having technical difficulties with my heart.

Stewie:
Ugh, 16 hours on a plane and that's what you came up with?

[Stewie makes a pun about New Delhi]

Stewie:
Let's go get sandwiches at that "new deli" I keep hearing about. [Ganesha performs a rimshot] Thanks, Ganesha.