Family Guy, Season 9

Consuela:
[greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.

Stewie:
[to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.

Consuela:
Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.

Stewie:
Oh, my God, seriously.

West:
I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.

[cut to his office where we find out that the Mayor-O-Matic 5000 consists of a tape recorder, a broom, and a paper plate with a face drawn on it]

Mayor-O-Matic:
Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.

Stewie:
[after shooting Diane, who almost shot Lois] If anyone's going to take the bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Lois:
Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.

Brian:
Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean, you...you're not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.

Lois:
You want to know what I think is happening here?

Brian:
Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.

Lois:
I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.

Brian:
Oh, please, you could not be more off base.

Lois:
Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?

Brian:
Horrible. One of the worst movies ever made.

Lois:
Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?

Brian:
Overrated. Just a terrible movie.

Lois:
Cocktail.

Brian:
Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.

Lois:
You make me sick, Brian.

[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]

Brian:
Does this mean I'll never see you again?

Rush:
Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.

Carter:
Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.

Peter:
Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair?! Ewww!

Carter:
No, no, this is my sister!

Peter:
Ewww!

Carter:
No, no, I'm impotent!

Peter:
Ewww!

Carter:
I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself!

Peter:
Ewww!

Carter:
I mean, she's a man!

Peter:
'Ewww!'

[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]

Employee 1:
We need more e's and w's down here now!

Employee 2:
We're trying, we're running out of letters!

Employee 3:
Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!

Employee 2:
You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--

Employee 3:
I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!

[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]

Connie:
[knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!

[she opens the door]

Connie:
You guys!

[she and her friends suddenly react to what they see]

Connie:
Oh... my... God!

[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in their underwear in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]

Meg:
Chris?

Chris:
Meg?

[both scream in shock]

Meg:
OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!

Chris:
Tryin' to grab some boob!

Meg:
FROM YOUR SISTER?!

Chris:
I didn't know it was you!

Meg:
Well, who did you think it was?!

Chris:
Some bitch! Who cares?!

Meg:
[coughs] OH, MY GOD! Oh! WE DID SO MUCH!

Chris:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

Meg:
WE'RE DISGUSTING! WE'RE A DISGRACE TO OUR FAMILY!

Man dressed as Clinton:
[in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!

The Pink Panther:
[sees Brian pink] Hey. How you doin'? First day bein' pink?

Brian:
Yeah.

The Pink Panther:
Welcome to hell. [walks off as the final trumpets of his theme plays]

Tom:
Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Wetherton:
Ah, I think that they are, they are gonna have, they are gonna be fightin' Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be b-better than usually.

Tom:
And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Wetherton:
Well, the match lasts about up until the particular inaccuracy, p-particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, the heart of a champion, margarine hat.

Tom:
Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.

Wetherton:
You're welcome.

Stewie:
Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.

[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]

Penguin:
You wanna get a book published, don't you?

Writer:
Well, yes.

Penguin:
Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.

[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]

Huffington:
I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.

[applause]

Brian:
You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?

[laughter]

Huffington:
What is your problem, Snoopy?

[laughter]

[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece Abby in line to see the mall's Santa]

Brian:
Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?

Quagmire:
[not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.

Brian:
Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! Are you excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.

[her eyes fill with tears]

Quagmire:
That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.

Stewie:
Uh-oh.

Quagmire:
Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?

Brian:
Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.

Quagmire:
Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?

Brian:
Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.

Quagmire:
Who said anything about dying?

Abby:
Uncle Glenn, am I dying?

Quagmire:
[holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, unhappily grinding his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get out of here.

[Brian and Stewie do so]

Stewie:
Should've gone into politics, Bri.

Dan:
Hey, who the hell are you?

Brian:
Uh... Hello.

Dan:
What are you doing in my house?

Stewie:
We're Santa Claus... es.

Dan:
Yeah, you're Santa Claus, that's why you broke in through the window, I'm calling the cops!

Brian:
No, no no no, I-I can explain. We came down the chimney, but we forgot the presents. It's actually-, it's kind of a funny story. [Stewie beats Dan with a baseball bat knocking him unconscious] What the hell did you do?!

Stewie:
He was gonna call the cops, man. You can't call the cops on Santa.

Stewie:
Alright, that's the last of the blood, go check on the other kid.

Brian:
What other kid?

Stewie:
Johnny, the one who's getting the bat.

Brian:
[runs upstairs] Stewie there's only one bedroom up here.

Stewie:
What? Do you have a brother?

[The girl nods her head no]

Stewie:
Well then, who the hell is Joh...? Oh my God, we're in the wrong house.

Ron:
The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all of you people-watching, does anyone wanna buy some pot?

[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]

Drew:
Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. The top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.

[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]

Drew:
Alright. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?

Peter:
Oh, yeah, Drew! I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!

Drew:
[laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.

[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit screaming; the wheel crashes through the wall]

Peter:
Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!

[he laughs uncontrollably]

Stewie:
Good God, does everything have to have a mascot these days? I mean look, there's a lion in overalls on the aluminum foil. Who is that for?[Lois grabs a different brand of aluminum foil] No, Lois! Don't get that one! Get the one with the lion in overalls!

Bonnie:
[after hearing the news about Lois] Ha! Slut!

Brian:
Ah, good. It's starting.

Peter:
Yeah, that's what YOU say. I can never figure out when the hell the studio logos end and the actual movie begins. [20th Century Fox logo plays] Alright. Let's see what you got, Fox. [map pops out from under the water on the screen] Oh, I bet that's a sea monster. [revealed to be logo for Underwater Map Productions] Oh, that's not the movie. That's... yeah, I think I've heard of them. [Once Upon a Time... shows up on screen] Here we go. Movie! ["STUDIOS" shows up from under the caption] Well, now that seems intentionally misleading. [airplane comes up on screen] Alright, someone's coming to town! [revealed to be logo for Arriving Flight Productions] Oh, for crying out loud! [image of India shown with the caption "India, 1853"] Alright, a period movie. [zooms out to show that it's the logo for Country-and-Date Productions] Oh, not a period movie. [guy on screen runs into a house in a thunderstorm] Oh, this guy's in trouble. Can't wait to hear his story. [flashes and tints into black and white on-screen to show that it's the logo for Panting Man's Wounded Shoulder Films] Oh, COME ON!

Tom:
This man wants to testify!

Peter:
Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!

Tom:
This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians were, he'd say, "Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart". But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?

Ollie:
CHER!

Tom:
He doesn't even like Cher!

Herbert:
[After Franz has been killed by his fall] Say good night, you Nazi bastard...

Meg:
Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?

Joe:
Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.

Meg:
I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.

Joe:
That sounds disgusting.

[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]

Peter:
I think we should go live with Mom...

Stewie:
I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.

[after the fight and breakup]

Brian:
Hey, you okay?

Quagmire:
Yup. Just waiting for my car.

[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]

Brian:
Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.

Quagmire:
No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.

Brian:
It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.

Quagmire:
[admittedly] Yeah, maybe.

Brian:
Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.

Peter:
You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead, I got a broster.

[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]

Broster:
Hey, Peter, you wanna see my vegenis?

Peter:
Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.

West:
Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.

Carol:
What?

West:
Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]

Aide:
Ready to go when you are, sir.

West:
Poor guys. They both have AIDS.

[cut to Robert Loggia in a black background]

Loggia:
NOT OKAY!

Brian:
Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. [leaves] Hey, where the hell's my banana thing?

Stewie:
[appears behind the couch in Brian's banana suit and sings and dances] It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Where he at?

Where he at?

Peter:
[laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, Stewie! That is so funny! I did not see that comin'! [leaves]

Brian:
But that was my thing.

Stewie:
I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing.

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly!

Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

TV Announcer:
And now back to the Disney Channel's exclusive presentation, Aladdin 5: Jafar Answers the Census.

[cut to the television screen; Jafar is in front of his palace with Iago perched on his staff, answering questions from an examiner collecting census data]

Examiner:
Okay, and how many people live in your palace?

Jafar:
Um, does the bird count?

Examiner:
Does the bird live here?

Jafar:
Yes.

Examiner:
Then, yes, the bird counts.

Jafar:
Uh, okay. Two.

Examiner:
Great. What is your primary source of income?

Jafar:
Um, sorcery. And a little from political corruption, but primarily sorcery.

Examiner:
Yeah, I'll just put sorcery. Okay. Um, are you gay, straight or not sure?

Jafar:
Uh, why are you asking me this?

Examiner:
It's just... I-I don't... I don't write the questions.

Jafar:
I know. It just seems a little personal.

Examiner:
Yeah, I-I understand. You're... you're free not to answer it if that's your choice.

Jafar:
No, no, no, it's okay. You can put "not sure."

Peter:
Now, I know some teachers think they're workin' outside the box when they have class on the lawn, but I'm gonna take it a step further. We're gonna do peyote in the desert.

[cut to Monument Valley; an eagle flies through the sky; Peter drives with Chris and Meg through the desert; clouds pass through the sun; Peter, Chris, and Meg walk on the sand; Peter and Chris look at each other, overwhelmed]

Meg:
[dancing] Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad!

Peter:
Soon, Meg. Soon. But first, I must inhale. [inhales] And again. [inhales] And again. [inhales, pause] Let's go to the Hollywood Hills and kill a bunch of people.

[Darth Vader arrives on the second Death Star with a group of passengers]

Vader:
Oh, my God. That was absolute hell! I don't understand why we're in a galaxy far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.

[Roger as Moff Jerjerrod enters]

Moff:
Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home?

Vader:
Wow, it's you? Are we already out of our characters?

Tiaan:
What?

Vader:
How's the construction going?

Tiaan:
Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?

Vader:
Yeah.

Tiaan:
Well, now there's no trench.

Vader:
Great. Is there a hole?

Tiaan:
[pause] Yes.

Vader:
What?

Tiaan:
There is.

Vader:
Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.

Tiaan:
The Emperor is coming here?

Vader:
Yeah, he loves this place. I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.