Fawlty Towers, Series 1

[Classical music is playing in the background. Basil is putting up a picture. Sybil walks in.]

Sybil:
Don't forget the menu.

Basil:
I beg your pardon?

Sybil:
Don't forget the menu.

Basil:
I thought you said you want- Right! I'll do the menu!

[puts down the picture, walks over to a typewriter and sits down.]

Sybil:
You could have had them both done by now if you hadn't spent the whole morning skulking in there listening to that racket.

Basil:
Racket? That's Brahms! Brahms' Third Racket!

Basil:
Hello, Fawlty Towers. Ah, yes, Mr. O'Reilly. Well, it's quite simple. When I asked you to build me a wall, I was rather thinking that instead of just dumping the bricks down in a pile, you might find time to cement them together one on top of the other in the traditional fashion. [to Melbury] Could you fill it in, please? [to O'Reilly] Oh, splendid! Yes, but when, Mr. O'Reilly? [to Melbury] There. There. [to O'Reilly] Yes, but when? Ah, I see: the flu. [to Melbury] Both names, please. [to O'Reilly] Yes, I should have guessed, Mr. O'Reilly; that and the potato famine, I suppose.

Melbury:
I'm sorry?

Basil:
Could you put both your names please? [to O'Reilly] Well, can you give me a date?

Melbury:
I only use one.

Basil:
You don't have a first name?

Melbury:
No. I am Lord Melbury, so I simply sign "Melbury."

Basil:
(Now realised that Melbury is of high class) [to O'Reilly] Go away. [hangs up] So sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship. I do apologise.

Basil:
Sybil, I forbid you to open that safe. [She does so] Sybil, I forbid you to take that case out! [She does so] Sybil, you cannot open that case! I FORBID it! [She does so]

Basil:
[To Sir Richard and Lady Morris] Where are you going?

Sir Richard:
We're leaving!!

Basil:
Oh, don't! Please stay. You'll like it here.

Sir Richard:
I've never been in such a place in my LIFE!!! [They drive away]

Basil:
You snobs!!! You stupid, Stuck up, Toffee-Nosed, Half-Witted, Upper Class piles of ... PUS!!!

Mr. Waering:
A GIN and ORANGE, a LEMON SQUASH, and a SCOTCH and WATER PLEASE!!!

Sybil:
O'Reilly, I have seen more intelligent creatures than you lying on their backs at the bottoms of ponds. I have seen better organized creatures than you running round farmyards with their heads cut off. Now collect your things and GET OUT!! I never want to see you or any of your men in my hotel again!

Basil:
Ah, hello, Mr. O'Reilly. How are you this morning? Oh, good, good. No rare diseases, or anything? Oh, I do beg your pardon: Basil Fawlty, you remember? The poor sod you do jobs for? Well now, how are things your end? Oh, good. Good, good, good. Well now, how would you like to hear about things my end? Oh, well, up to your usual standard I think I can say. A few holes in the floor, the odd door missing; but nothing you can't be sued for.

Basil:
(down the phone to O'Reilly) ...No, I don't want to debate about it, if you're not over here in twenty minutes with my door I shall come over there and insert a large garden gnome in you.

Sybil:
(Seeing Basil walking down the road with a large garden gnome) Where are you going Basil?

Basil:
Just going to see O'Reilly dear. Then I might go to Canada.

Manuel:
(pretending to talk to someone down the phone) Manuel Towers. How are you? Is nice today. Good! Goodbye.

Tibbs:
Don't do anything we wouldn't do.

Basil:
Just a little breathing, surely?

Basil:
Are you going to take something like that seriously?!

O'Reilly:
Well...well, I thought I might...

Basil:
YOU THOUGHT YOU MIGHT?!?!! What kind of man ARE you!?! Are you going to let her talk to us like that?!

O'Reilly:
She just did!!

Basil:
No, no, no, she only thinks she did. But we'll show her! We're not only going to take that door out and put the other one back, we're going to add that new door and block that one off as well. We're going to to the BEST day's work you've EVER done, O'Reilly!!

[Basil has just tripped over Sybil's garden gnome behind the reception desk]

Basil:
What is this!! What is this doing here?! What is going on here??

Polly:
Your wife ordered it. Call O'Reilly.

Basil:
That golfing puff-adder?! What does she want a stupid...

Polly:
CALL O'REILLY!

Basil:
WHAT!?!

Polly:
Shall I call him?

Basil:
No no I'll do it! I'll call him, you go and see if the roof's still on!

Basil:
Did you ever see that film, "How To Murder Your Wife"?

Major Gowen:
"How To Murder Your Wife"?

Basil:
Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

Basil:
Always reminds me of somebody machine-gunning a seal.

Major Gowen:
The heat?

Basil:
No, no. My wife's laugh.

Basil:
[about Sybil's laughter] Please don't alarm yourself, it's only my wife laughing. I'm afraid her local finishing school was bombed.

Mrs. Peignoir:
[shocked] Oh dear!

Basil:
No, no, not really. Just a thought. Well now, what can I get you?

Mrs. Peignoir:
Do you have any Ricard?

Basil:
[confused] I'm sorry?

Mrs. Peignoir:
Any Ricard?

Basil:
[unsure what Ricard is, he pretends to check the bar] uh, we're just out of it, I think...

Mr. Hutchinson:
OH NO NO, come on now, this is quite absurd, I'm sorry, I do not want the omelet!

Manuel:
Is nice!

Mr. Hutchinson:
I don't WANT the bloody thing, I've already sent it back!

Basil:
Here, give it to me.

Mr. Hutchinson:
I fail to see how this sort of thing can happen!

Basil:
There, I've torn it up. You'll never see it again.

Sybil:
Don't shout at me. I've had a difficult morning.

Basil:
Oh, dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmmm... or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Basil:
I would find it a little easier to cope with some of the cretins we get in here, my little nest of vipers, if I got smidgen of co-operation from you.

Sybil:
Co-operation? That's a laugh. The day you co-operate, you'll be in a wooden box. I've never heard such rudeness.

Basil:
Spoons, eh?

Mr. Hutchinson:
Sorry?

Basil:
SP-THTHTHTHTH-OONS!

Mr. Hutchinson:
I beg your pardon?

Basil:
I understand you're in the spoon trade.

Mr. Hutchinson:
Oh, yes. Yes.

Basil:
Fascinating. How very absorbing for you.

Mr. Hutchinson:
Well...

Basil:
So much more interesting than being a HOTEL INSPECTOR!!

Mr. Hutchinson:
Y'What...?

Mr. Hutchinson:
There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about Squawking Bird, the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the late 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour.

Basil:
I'm sorry, are you talking to me?

Mr. Hutchinson:
Indeed I am, yes. Now is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast?

Basil:
Why don't you talk properly?

Mr. Hutchinson:
I beg your pardon?

Basil:
No it isn't.

Mr. Hutchinson:
What?

Basil:
It is not possible to reserve the BBC2 channel from the commencement of this televisual feast until the moment of the termination of its ending, thank you so much.

Basil:
He's drunk!

Sybil:
Drunk?

Basil:
Drunk! Soused! Potted! Inebriated! Got it?!

Sybil:
I don't believe it!

Basil:
Neither do I. Perhaps it's a dream. [pounds his head on the desk several times, sits up, looks around.] Nope, it's not a dream. We're stuck with it.

Basil:
[yelling at his car] Come on! Come on! Start! Start, you vicious bastard! Come on! Oh, my God! I'm warning you! If you don't start... I'll count to three! 1, 2, 3! Right! That's it! [leaving the car, he starts yelling at it] I've had enough! You've tried it on just once too often! Right! Well, don't say I haven't warned you! I've laid it on the line for you time and time again! Right! Well, this is it! I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing! [he leaves the frame, returns holding a branch and starts thrashing the car over the bonnet]

Basil:
Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads.

Basil:
Is there something wrong?

Elder Herr:
Will you stop talking about the war?

Basil:
Me! You started it!

Elder Herr:
We did not start it!

Basil:
Yes you did - you invaded Poland.

[Basil is in hospital and a nurse is tending to his injuries]

Basil:
Don't touch me! I don't know where you've been!

Sister:
Yes, yes. We must have our little jokes, mustn't we?

Basil:
Yes, we must, mustn't we? My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Mind boggling!

[The nurse is shocked by Basil's comments]

Sybil:
Basil?!

Sister:
I-I'll get the Doctor.

Basil:
You need a plastic surgeon, dear, not a doctor.

elderly sister":
Mr Fawlty, we're concerned about your health.

"Basil":
Well I'll live longer than you.

Manuel:
[hidden behind front desk, with moose head in plain sight] How are YOU, sir? I can speak English. I learn it from a book.

Basil:
[to Melbury] Well, how are you, Lord Melbury? 'Ow are yer then? All right, mate? 'Ow's me' old mucker? [He gently slaps Lord Melbury on the cheeks and pulls his ears] Any valuables to deposit, Sir Richard? Any bricks? [Lord Melbury panics and runs away] [to Richard] I do apologise...[to Melbury] You bastard!

Delivery man:
Where's the boss?

Manuel:
¿Que?

Delivery man:
The, the... the generalissimo!

Manuel:
[looks at him incredulously] In Madrid!

Sybil:
André thinks Thursdays are a good idea.

Basil:
Thursday?

Andre:
Hmm, I think so.

Basil:
Good! Then on all other days we'll serve up a great big trough of baked beans and garnish it with a couple of dead dogs.

Ronald:
I don't like the chips...They're the wrong shape, and they're just awful. Haven't you got any properly-shaped chips?

Basil:
[with characteristically-surreptitious menace] Well, what shape are you accustomed to? Mickey-Mouse shape? Smartarse shape? Amphibious-landing-craft shape? Jackhammer-in-the-testicles shape?

Polly:
He's potted the shrimps.

Basil:
What?

Polly:
He's potted the shrimps!

Basil:
Shrimps? Not having shrimps tonight, Polly. Now... [starts to walk away with the guests]

Polly:
He's soused! [beat] The herrings.

Basil:
What are you on about?

Polly:
[slowly] He's pickled the onions and he's smashed the eggs in his pot [crosses eyes] under the table.

Basil:
[to the guests] Excuse me. [to Polly] Have you been drinking?

Polly:
No, not me!

Basil:
Then will you behave yourself!

Major:
Oh, Fawlty. How's, erm...

Basil:
My wife?

Major:
Er, that's it.

Basil:
Fine. Absolutely fine. They're taking it out tomorrow morning.

Major:
Is she? Good.

Basil:
No, not her, the nail. They're taking it out tomorrow.

Major:
What?

Basil:
The nail! They're taking it out tomorrow.

Major:
H-How did she get a nail in her?

Basil:
No, I thought I told you, Major. She's having her toenail taken out.

Major:
What, just the one of them?

Basil:
It's an ingrowing one, Major.

Major:
If it's causing you pain, you have it out!

[LAST LINES:
the moose-head has landed on Manuel, after falling and knocking out Basil]

Manuel:
He hit me on the head!

Major:
No; you hit him on the head, you NAUGHTY MOOSE!!

[All four Germans look on]

Elder Herr:
How ever did they win?

Major:
Germans, coming here?

Basil:
Oh just for a couple of days.

Major:
I don't care much for Germans.

Basil:
I suppose I see what you mean-

Major:
Bunch of Krauts, that's what they are! All of them! Bad eggs!

Basil:
Well forgive and forget, Major. God knows how, the bastards. Still...

Basil:
[calling up the stairs, with Manuel holding onto him] Right, ladies and gentlemen, sorry to disturb you. Could I have everyone down here, in the lobby. There is something I think I ought to mention.

[The guests all gather in the lobby]

Miss Gatsby:
What is it?

Basil:
The point is, can I put it this way... [high voice] Fire.

Miss Gatsby:
Fire?

Basil:
Fire. Fa-fa-fa-fa-fa-fire!

Major Gowen:
Fire?

Basil:
Fire! Out there. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

[All the guests leave the hotel]

Ms Tibbs:
We don't think you're well, Mr Fawlty.

Basil:
Well perhaps not but I'll live longer than you.

Ms Gatsby:
You must have hurt yourself!

Basil:
My dear woman, a blow on the head like that... is worth two in the bush.