Fleabag, Season 2

Godmother:
You know the most fascinating thing about Father here, is that his mother was originally a lesbian!

Claire:
Positive energy takes work. In the last six months, I've excelled. I take all the negative emotions and just bottle them and bury them and they never come out. I've basically never been better.

Claire:
Putting pine nuts on your salad doesn't make you a grown-up.

Fleabag:
[aside] Fucking does!

Claire:
No! Just get your hands off my miscarriage! It's mine! It's mine!

Counsellor:
So, why do you think your father suggested you come for counselling?

Fleabag:
I think because my mother died and he can't talk about it and my sister and I didn't speak for a year because she thinks I tried to sleep with her husband and because I spent most of my adult life using sex to deflect from the screaming void inside my empty heart. [aside] I'm good at this!

Counsellor:
Do you really want to fuck the priest, or do you want to fuck God?

Fleabag:
Can you fuck God?

Counsellor:
Oh yes.

Fleabag:
Look, just please tell me how to not fuck a priest. Before I get arrested.

Belinda:
Women are born with pain built in. It's our physical destiny. Period pains, sore boobs, childbirth, you know. We carry it within ourselves throughout our lives. Men don't. They have to seek it out. They invent all these gods and demons and things just so they can feel guilty about things, which is something we also do very well on our own. And then they create wars, so they can feel things and touch each other, and when there aren't any wars they can play rugby. And we have it all going on in here, inside. We have pain on a cycle for years and years and years and then, just when you feel you are making peace with it all, what happens? The menopause comes. The fucking menopause comes and it is the most most wonderful fucking thing in the world! And, yes, your entire pelvic floor crumbles and you get fucking hot and no-one cares, but then you're free. No longer a slave, no longer a machine, with parts. You're just a person in business.

Fleabag:
Oh. I was told it was horrendous.

Belinda:
It is horrendous, but then it's magnificent.

Claire:
You'll always be fine. You'll always be interesting, with your quirky cafe and your dead best friend. You just make me feel like I've failed.

Fleabag:
Claire...

Claire:
If you mention the size of my office, I will scream.

Fleabag:
It's huge!

Fleabag:
Do you think I should become a Catholic?

The Priest:
No, don't do that. I like that you believe in a meaningless existence.

The Priest:
Celibacy is a lot less complicated than romantic relationships.

Fleabag:
What if you meet someone you like?

The Priest:
I talk and drink and laugh and give them Bibles, and hope they eventually leave me alone.

The Priest:
I'd really like to be your friend, though.

Fleabag:
I'd like to be your friend, too. [aside] We'll last a week.

The Priest:
[spooked] What was THAT!?

Fleabag:
What?

The Priest:
Where did... where did you just go?

Fleabag:
What?

The Priest:
You just went somewhere.

[Fleabag glances aside to camera]

The Priest:
There! There! Where did you just go?

Fleabag:
Nowhere.

The Priest:
Why would you believe in something awful when you could believe in something wonderful?

Fleabag:
Don't make me an optimist, you will ruin my life.

Fleabag:
Quaker meeting. You're not allowed to speak. If the Spirit moves you to speak, you have to stand up and share it with everyone. It's very intense. It's very quiet. It's very, very erotic.

[Fleabag is talking about her late mother.]

Fleabag:
I don't know what to do with it.

Boo:
With what?

Fleabag:
With all the love I have for her. I don't know where to put it now.

Boo:
I'll take it.

[Fleabag laughs]

Boo:
No, I'm serious. It sounds lovely. I'll have it.

Fleabag:
I know exactly what I want right now.

The Priest:
What's that?

Fleabag:
It's bad.

The Priest:
It's okay.

Fleabag:
I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning.

The Priest:
Okay, well, I think there are people who can...

Fleabag:
No, I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I've been getting it wrong. And I know that's why people want people like you in their lives. Because you just tell them how to do it. You just tell them what to do, and what they'll get out of the end of it. Even though I don't believe your bullshit, and I know that scientifically nothing I do makes any difference in the end anyway, I'm still scared! Why am I still scared?! So just tell me what to do. Just fucking tell me what to do, Father!

Fleabag:
Hair is everything. We wish it wasn't, so we could actually think about something else occasionally, but it is. It's the difference between a good day and a bad day. We're meant to think that it's a symbol of power. That it's a symbol of fertility. Some people are exploited for it and it pays your fucking bills! Hair is everything, Anthony.

Martin:
Is that a bassoon in your hand or are you just pleased to see me?

Fleabag:
Would you say that to your son?

Martin:
When he has his bassoon, sure. But he's never pleased to see me, so...

Fleabag:
It doesn't even make sense. Why would a bassoon in my hand...

Martin:
Like a dick in your hand.

Fleabag:
Oh, right. So if I was walking towards you with an amputated dick in my hand you'd think I was horny.

Martin:
Well, I'd assume that you had been.

Fleabag:
My priest is here and he really needs some guidance.

Hot Misogynist:
What? Is he okay?

Fleabag:
No, I'm hoping he's having an emotional crisis.

Fleabag:
Priests have sex, you know. A lot of them actually do. They don't burst into flames. I Googled it.

The Priest:
I can't have sex with you, because I'll fall in love with you. And if I fall in love with you, I won't burst into flames, but my life will be fucked.

Martin:
I am not a bad guy! I just have a bad personality, it's not my fault. Some people are born with fucked personalities.

Claire:
[to Fleabag] The only person I'd run through an airport for is you.

The Priest:
[wedding homily] Love is awful! It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. Makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself. Distance yourself from the other people in your life. Make you selfish. Makes you creepy! Makes you obsessed with your hair. Makes you cruel! Makes you say and do things you never thought you would do! It's all any of us want and it's hell when we get there! So, no wonder it's something we don't want to do on our own. I was taught if we're born with love, then life is about choosing the right place to put it. People talk about that a lot. It "feeling right". When it feels right it's easy. But I'm not sure that's true. It takes strength to know what's right. And love isn't something that weak people do. Being a romantic takes a hell of a lot of hope. I think what they mean is when you find somebody that you love it feels like hope.

Fleabag:
Let's just leave that out there just for a second on its own: I love you.

The Priest:
It'll pass.