Frasier, Season 10

Gertrude:
Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?

Alice:
Is it because you rode dinosaurs?

Gertrude:
[to Roz] You should talk to your daughter. [exits]

Roz:
[to Alice] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Frasier attempts to reassure Daphne's mother that a civil ceremony does not mean a Godless union

Frasier:
For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?

Gertrude:
No, He lives at the church!

[Niles and Daphne have named their pet lovebirds after themselves]

Niles:
This morning, when Daphne escaped, I just kept thinking, "What if she's hurt, or lost, or eaten by a cat?" Or worse: "What if she meets another bird who's more birdly than Niles but without the substance?"

Frasier:
Trust me: no one is more birdly than Niles.

[An angry driver waiting behind Frasier's car claims that only rich people can afford to behave the way he is doing]

Frasier:
My income, and the style of car which I drive, are irrelevant! Isn't that so, Niles?

Niles:
Yes. [to the driver] I drive a Mercedes, and I would have paid ten minutes ago.

Frasier is not keen for Martin to take presidential decisions without consulting him

Frasier:
We need to reach a little understanding. Now, someone asks you a question, you look at me. If I scratch my nose, it means No. You get it? They both begin with the same two letters: N-O. Now, if I touch my eye, it means Aye as in...Yes.

Martin:
[annoyed] Guess what you're being if I touch my ass.

Niles has arrived at Frasier's apartment to find his wife doing housework for his brother and father

Niles:
Are you proud of yourselves?

Frasier:
We didn't ask her to do anything!

Martin:
She offered!

Niles:
Then why is no one looking me in the eye?

[Frasier, the victim of Bulldog's latest prank, denies having been fooled, then hears a tape of himself]

Frasier:
[wailing] My car! Oh no, my caaaar! What did they do to you?! Oh, my baby...!

[Martin complains that Frasier makes practical jokes seem like work]

Martin:
This is supposed to be fun! Like a day at the beach! Oh, you do this kind of thing all the time.

Frasier:
Like when?

Martin:
Like the last time we went to the beach!

[Jason's parents call round to Niles' apartment to sort things out]

Beverly White:
It seems our children have been feuding. We're very embarrassed.

Niles:
You're embarrassed? Meet our daughter. [gestures to Gertrude]

Noel:
The Seattle Star Trek Convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.

Frasier:
Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?

Noel:
Oh, I would! But William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid! It wasn't even a real phaser.

Frasier:
Star Trek is just a TV show.

Noel:
So was Brideshead Revisited!

Frasier:
You're angry, so I'm going to ignore that!

[Frasier has just finished interviewing another candidate and is walking her to the door]

Frasier:
Of course, we have several other candidates to interview, but I'll be sure to let you know by the twelfth... [closes the door] of never!

[Martin is encouraged to hear that Trish is a fan of the Sonics]

Trish:
I should have guessed everyone and his brother would want to see Vince Carter play.

Martin:
Not everybody. Or his brother.

Martin:
Sure, sure. And there'll be a check in the mail sometime after the first... [closes the door] asteroid hits Earth!

Frasier is arguing with the surgeon about Niles' operation

Dr Schaeffer:
Look, in my expert opinion, I'm doing what's best for this patient.

Frasier:
And my expert opinion says otherwise.

Dr Schaeffer:
[calm, but annoyed] Well, if you're such an expert, maybe you should perform the surgery.

Frasier:
Maybe I will.

Niles:
[whining] Dad...

Martin:
[sternly] Frasier, you're not operating on your brother.

Frasier:
According to my timetable, Niles is probably off the bypass pump now. All the blockages have been bypassed and the myocardium is now receiving normal blood.

Martin:
How come you know all this but you're stumped by an electric barbecue fork?

Frasier:
Because the human body was not designed by some idiot in Japan.

[Roz encourages Frasier to air his grievances about Christmas]

Roz:
Come on, Frasier, talk to me. Use your words.

Frasier:
It's just so egregious!

Roz:
Smaller words.

Niles:
Why do you have to make everything so difficult?

Frasier:
Excuse me, Niles, but I've got news for you: Copernicus called, and you are not the centre of the universe!

Albert:
My ex-wife used to say she could tell when I was nervous because I'd turn off white.

Lilith:
I can empathize. After a long night, I once had to color my under-eye circles with Liquid Paper.

Frasier:
Would we sleep together?

Lilith:
I was thinking we could freeze your sperm.

Frasier:
Is that a "yes" or "no"?

Frasier:
As usual, Frasier has to save the day.

Martin:
As usual, Martin has to hear about it.

[Daphne guards a veiled painting from a curious guest]

Daphne:
You've got two choices: you can either walk away from the painting, or you can limp away from the painting.

Chelsea and Frasier celebrate their mixed doubles win. Frasier cannot resist gloating in front of his brother

Chelsea:
There's no 'i' in team.

Frasier:
Like there is in Niles!

Roz and Julia find a way to be friends:
by insulting each other

Julia:
You know there's a place down the street that's open all night.

Roz:
Just like your mouth?

Julia:
Just like your legs?

[Frasier and Niles are in a bicycle shop]

Frasier:
Is there anything else we need?

Niles:
Hmm, let me see. Oh yes, I know: we need to know how to ride them!

Frasier:
If a child of four can ride one, then so can we.

Niles:
That's what we said when we were six!

Frasier:
Dad, the inability to maintain adult relationships often has its roots in parent-child trauma.

Martin:
What's your generation gonna do when we're all gone and there's no one left to blame?

[Niles learns of Frasier's new patient]

Frasier:
Very challenging case. The man has father issues, any number of neuroses and a phobia or two.

Niles:
Sounds to me like you've hit the crackpot!

[Frasier tries to think of a solution to the shortage of caviar.]

Frasier:
What was the name of the boat...?

Niles:
HMS Bounty!

Frasier:
This isn't Trivial Pursuit. Let me finish!

[Martin, still frustrated at the amount of red tape he faces at the bank, takes a phone call in Frasier's absence]

Martin:
No, I'm sorry. Frasier isn't here. Sure you can place an order. Here, let me transfer you to that department! [hangs up]

Frasier:
In elementary school, I made an ashtray for my dad. It caught fire.

Martin:
Hey Fras', how was your trip to the accountant?

Frasier:
Fine, er, fine... why are all these lights on?

Evelyn takes a phone call from her children's nanny, then hangs up.]

Evelyn:
Sorry about that. Susie got stuck in the laundry chute again.

Daphne:
Aww, poor thing. How old is she?

Evelyn:
What's the difference? After tomorrow, she's not our nanny any more.

Frasier has confided in Niles of how Bebe is trying to lure him back

Niles:
I think I've figured it out. Bebe wants to have sex with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.

Frasier:
I almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless woman suffering from an unslakeable thirst…

Frasier & Niles:
[unison] …for Crane.

[Niles and Daphne are discussing names for a baby]

Niles:
How about Desmond?

Daphne:
Hmm. "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sentenced to..." No, I don't like it. What about Jack?

Niles:
'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same sound that begins the last name, so you either end up running them together - Jackrane - or you face the dreaded glottal stop. Jack-Crane. Jack-Crane. It's unpleasant for the throat.

Daphne:
This conversation's unpleasant for the throat.

[Frasier, Niles, and Leland are singing the Major-General's song. Martin tries to fit in.]

Leland:
About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot o' news, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

All:
With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse, with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse-

Martin:
With many awful facts about the scary hippopotamus!

Frasier joins Daphne in a very busy Nervosa

Frasier:
I've never seen this place so crowded. What's the occasion?

Daphne:
It's Mum's day off. Apparently, there was a mass e-mail.

Martin has gone to the shooting range with Niles

Frasier:
He asked me to take him, but then I suggested that, when it comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of...(pause for effect) Niles's calibre. (chuckles to himself) I'm in rare form today.

Daphne:
(smiles, unamused) You should see this place when they know you're not coming.

[Worn out by Alice's energetic games, Niles and Daphne place her in front of the TV.]

Niles:
Should we really be popping her in front of the tube?

Daphne:
It's an educational tape. Did you want to read her more Jung for Youngsters?

[Frasier is talking about one of his favourite films, Noch einen Stuhl.]

Frasier:
It's the story of a nineteenth-century Austrian family, from the point of view of an old fireside armchair.

Roz:
I'm sorry, I dozed off. What were you saying?

[Gil Chesterton is toasting Roz at her going-away party thrown by her KACL coworkers.]

Gil:
Hello, all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A wonderful coworker, and a good friend.

All:
[Sounds of concurrence and chants of Hear, hear!]

Gil:
Of course I, too, noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL corral. [with obvious fervor] She made us want to paw the ground and rise up on our powerful haunches, fetlocks glistening. Smokey, Misty, Storm, away! [Gil downs his glass of wine in one long swig.]

Frasier:
Well, it certainly wasn't my finest hour. I got in, realized I made a mistake and then tried like hell to get out. There was a lot of shouting and then a line started to form behind me. You'd be surprised how long 20 minutes can be when you're watching the clock. Fortunately, my brother was there to serve as moral support, and, let's face it, someone to talk to. At least, in the end, I got out of there without paying the four dollars!

Frasier:
(about Roz's cousin) She told me that my show was bourgeois. I then argued that anything that has mass appeal could be called bourgeois. She then said that my argument was bourgeois...which I happened to find jejune.

Niles is determined to find out what lies beyond the "Platinum" door at the day spa

Attendant:
I'm sorry. Sir? You're not allowed through there. Please remain in the relaxation grotto.

As the attendent leaves, Fraiser becomes peevish

Frasier:
Please remain... in the relaxation grotto?

Niles appears distraught

Frasier:
Have crueler words ever been spoken?

Fraiser carries Niles to the the "Platinum" door

Frasier:
Niles! Healing warmth and light! It must be a magnificent solarium!

Niles:
Goodbye sweet and edible facials, hello radiant life-giving sun!

Frasier carries Niles through the "Platinum" door which then closes behind them. Beside them is a dumpster and piles of trash

Niles:
It's beautiful, it's beautiful!

Frasier:
Yes! This is where we belong!

Martin:
Well, I'm proud of you two. Squash may not be the toughest sport, but it's still technically a sport.

Chelsea:
What? Squash can be pretty tough! (Martin scoffs) Oh, no, no, no, no. I once saw a guy break his leg in a mid-court collision. The bone was poking through his skin, and he still finished the point.

Martin:
(surprised) That's the game you guys play?

Niles:
(fighting nausea) Hell, yeah!

Frasier:
(reading a note in Chelsea's office) Please excuse my daughter Ruby from P.E. She has a... "delibitating" disease. Nice try, Ruby.

Fraiser and Niles are try to act knowledgeable about bikes as another customer passes by

Niles:
Call me crazy, but I like a bouncy tire.

Fraiser:
Two bouncy tires and a taut chain. That's good ridin'

The customer walks away

Niles Where did you learn all of that? That was really good!

Fraiser:
It's all a matter of confidence, Niles.

Describing his parking experience while all others believe he is referring to sleeping with Roz: