Frasier, Season 4

Martin is trying to persuade one of his sons to go with him to his platoon reunion

Martin:
Come on, they're great guys: Stinky, Wolfman, Boom-Boom, Jim. Of course, his name's not really Jim; we call him that because he likes to drink Jim Beam. Just like we call Hank "Bud" because he drinks Budweiser. Come on, you'd love these guys!

Niles:
We're sherry drinkers, Dad. Think about it.

[Daphne is pretending to be Niles' wife in order to let her ex-fiancé down easily.]

Clive:
Daphne, I noticed in the phone book, you're still listed as Moon.

Niles:
That must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.

Martin:
[pretending to be a retired astronaut] I remember the first time I drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it right into the Sea of Tranquility!

Bulldog:
Hey, I have no sense of decency. That way, my other senses are enhanced!

It seems that Bulldog is in love

Bulldog:
You know what? I gotta call her. (picks up the phone) No, wait. No, I gotta play hard to get. (slams phone down) But I miss the sound of her voice. I'm calling her. (picks up phone) No, wait. It's too needy. Chicks hate that. (puts phone down) I shouldn't call her. But I want to! (picks up phone before putting it down again) Doc, what should I do?!

Frasier:
Don't ask me. I don't even know who you are!

Niles is relating an episode from that day

Niles:
I hardly need to tell you how the story ends.

Frasier:
Just tell me when the story ends.

Frasier tells his father the truth about his dream

Frasier:
The dream is really about me and a male co-worker, Gil Chesterton.

Martin:
You don't care if I ever sleep again, do you?

Niles notices Roz checking out a man

Niles:
Are you quite finished undressing him with your eyes?

Roz:
Oh, please. I'm already looking for my stockings and trying to remember where I parked my car.

Niles sees an author that he and Frasier idolised

Roz:
Well, why don't you go up and introduce yourself?

Niles:
I can't just walk up to a god like that.

Roz:
Well, then, find a subtler way.

Niles:
In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

While standing in for his brother, Niles finds himself giving useful advice to a listener's cat

Linda:
What did you say to him?

Niles:
Well, I'd like to tell you, but that would violate doctor-cat confidentiality!

Martin and Daphne have just witnessed the results of Niles' handiwork on Reggie McLemore

Martin:
I gotta say: I'm impressed.

Daphne:
Yeah. I'm starting to think maybe I should spend an hour or two on the couch with you. (Niles grins)

Martin:
Are you kidding? With Niles, it'd only take two minutes!

Niles:
(grin fades) Thanks, Dad.

Roz is comforting Daphne after her break-up, in a way only she knows how

Roz:
Now, Daphne, if the jewelery wasn't that good and the sex wasn't that good, what have you really lost here?

Frasier:
Dr. Roz wades in with the Gabor approach to therapy!

Daphne:
Last night, Roz insisted on taking me to this bar she calls "The Sure Thing".

Frasier:
How flattering! They've named a bar after her.

Frasier asks why Lilith hasn't gone with her husband to a volcano site

Niles:
Because if she accidentally fell in, the shockwave from the hottest thing in Nature meeting the coldest would actually crack the Earth in two.

Frasier:
(incredulously) As if a smile from Maris couldn't freeze mercury!

Martin:
Nice neighborhood. I noticed a whole bunch of kids Freddie's age playing in the street.

Lilith:
Yes, he's spent many happy hours at his window observing their play patterns.

Frasier:
[about Maris] By calling her so many times, you give her all the power! You're much better off coming from a position of strength!

Niles:
Don't pour that sherry on your shirt: it will stain.

Frasier:
What?

Niles:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was the portion of the afternoon where we give each other patently obvious advice.

Niles:
[about Maris] She's already flown in a sculptor from Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

Frasier:
Ah, the perfect marriage of subject and medium!

Sherry:
Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!

Niles:
(to Frasier) I guess we're in the placebo group.

Frasier:
[To Niles] I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

Niles has a back injury, and to impress Daphne he claims it was from a daring move in a squash game

Niles:
You know, I should never have even attempted a move like that. It was sort of a cross between a pirouette and a flying scissor kick.

Daphne leaves the room

Martin:
You hurt yourself adjusting the seat in your Mercedes again, didn't you?

Niles:
Quiet!

Frasier decides to phone John's wife and help fix their marriage

Frasier:
(on phone) Mrs Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...

Sound of Niles screaming in pain from the next room

Frasier:
...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I am a friend of your husband's.

Man:
You are our only chance, Dr. Crane, and she must be defeated. She is evil! Heckles in 1704 was two days late with his condo fee and she lowered the water pressure in his shower. Eventually he died.

Frasier:
Of bad water pressure?

Man:
No, I think it was a hunting accident. But he spent his last months on this earth unable to get all the conditioner out of his hair.

Roz advises Frasier against running for condo board president

Roz:
If somebody wants a garbage disposal, they'll bug you day and night, they'll leave kitchen scraps in your mailbox until they get what they want.

Frasier:
Have you served on a condo board?

Roz:
No, but I have a brand new garbage disposal.

Niles:
I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think: what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me? Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln!

Frasier:
"We know for whom the bell tolls."

(A distant bell sounds, from the kitchen)

Martin:
Anybody else hear that?

Niles is finding this new spontaneous attitude to dating quite exhilarating

Frasier:
Feel like a new man?

Niles:
I feel like a new woman, and thank God I remembered to pack one!

Maris phones Niles to tell him he cannot see other people

Niles:
You see what's happening here?

Frasier:
Yes. Your ex-wife is ruining my sex life!

Frasier:
[about Martin's chair] Dad, when are you going to stop blighting the environment with this monstrosity? My God, can't you see that it wants to die? Let it go.

Martin:
You know, I keep having this dream where you're saying the same thing, only I'm in the hospital and you're slipping the nurse a twenty.

Frasier:
Dad, that will never happen.

Martin:
Thank you.

Frasier:
I have medical power of attorney. It won't cost me a thing.

Niles:
[about his new pet bird] She's very exotic. She only eats every other day, and she's so white she's almost blue.

Martin:
Geez, I'm gettin' nervous. That's what he said just before he introduced us to Maris!

Eddie is dancing, and Martin is very proud

Martin:
He's practically doin' a polka.

Frasier:
Oh, good. That should up his price when I sell him to the carnival.

Niles is back from a wedding in the woods. Daphne finds that his shoulder is sticky and wonders why. Frasier asks if he took a date

Niles:
I asked Maris.

Daphne:
Sap.

Frasier:
I think Daphne speaks for us all.

Frederick is returning from a walk with Martin

Frederick:
Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?

Frasier:
No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a SWAT team.

Martin:
They got there later!

Frasier and Niles are at Café Nervosa discussing the impending softball game. Frederick and Daphne arrive from the amusement park

Frasier:
So you see the problem?

Niles:
I certainly do!

Frasier:
No, that's your problem!

Roz:
It's not like she [Bebe] worships the Devil.

Frasier:
She doesn't have to. He worships her!

Frasier:
Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!

Frasier:
(in a spooky voice) Nightmare Inn.

Martin:
Oh, don't tell me, I know. A bunch of people get caught in a storm and everyone's wondering who's gonna be the first one murdered.

Frasier:
Exactly. And I'm going to direct.

Niles:
So we can stop wondering.

[Roz and Frasier are acting in a live performance of a radio drama.]

Roz:
"There's someone outside that window!"

Frasier:
"Why, yes, Ms. Thorndyke, it appears to be"...[cues organ music, but calliope music plays instead]... the ice cream truck!

Niles:
Her lips said "No," but her eyes said "Read my lips."

Frasier is very proud after being asked out by two women; Niles is bitter because no one will look twice at him

Frasier:
My God, I've never had a night like this in my entire life! I'm a babe magnet, I'm catnip!

Niles:
I think I feel a furball coming up.

Daphne:
[about Sherry] She says I'm too rigid.

Niles:
Nonsense!

Daphne:
And that I'm too picky.

Niles:
Poppycock!

Daphne:
And that I'd be much happier if I just went out and had sex with someone...

Niles:
Just to play devil's advocate...

Roz and Bulldog are fighting in the studio, and Frasier is in no state to put up with them

Frasier:
As we speak, hordes of viral Visigoths are hurling themselves over the battlements of my immune system, laying waste to my…Oh, dear God, you see how weak I am? I can't even finish a simple Visigoth metaphor.

Frasier disapproves of modern society's tendency to hug all the time

Roz:
Well, I think hugging is very healthy. I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.

Frasier:
Well, in that case you should outlive Styrofoam!

Niles has had a panic attack and rushed into the toilet. After a sound resembling a gunshot, he emerges covered head to foot in shaving foam

Daphne:
Dr. Crane! Are you all right?

Niles:
(shaken) I'm fine. Just a little hot…and foamy…

Martin:
You know what must've happened? My Hot & Foamy must have exploded!

Daphne:
He was a detective, you know(!)

Niles is keeping Frasier waiting for their squash game, by having a doting phone conversation with Maris. Frasier takes action

Niles:
Oh, now, Maris. (phone beeps) Wait, hold on a second, it's my other line. (switches lines) Hello?

Frasier:
(using his landline) Get the hell off the phone!

Pressing Frasier for an answer to his question, Niles poses a hypothetical situation for him, in which his brother is God

Niles:
Let's say you are the supreme ruler of Heaven and Earth. What would you do?

Frasier:
(glances at Eddie) Well, for starters I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species!

Daphne:
I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death.

Niles:
Well, we all have to die of something.

Frasier:
I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.

Niles:
Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Niles:
It's my first Thanksgiving without Maris.

Martin:
Oh yeah. I know son, it's hard.

Niles:
Do you remember the year I plopped that big wedge of pumpkin pie in front of her, and we all laughed? (they all chuckle) Then I put a big scoop of whipped cream on top of it and we laughed some more! (they chuckle again) Then her eyes welled up with tears and we all knew it was time to stop.