Freaks and Geeks, Season One

Daniel:
You guys know Lindsay?

Nick:
Yeah, you were in my English class last year. You were the chick that got an A, right?

Lindsay:
Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?

Ken:
I don't know. What are you gonna do?

Lindsay:
Are you guys going to the homecoming dance?

Ken:
Excuse me?

Daniel [to Lindsay] :
That's funny. It's a joke, right?

Lindsay:
My dad's kinda makin' me go.

Nick:
Your dad's makin' you go to the dance? What's that all about?

Ken:
Who's your dad? Hitler?

Neal:
[to Sam] The dance is tomorrow. She's a cheerleader. You've seen "Star Wars" 27 times. You do the math.

Nick:
Check it out man, that's uh 14 mounted toms, 8 floor toms, 4 splashes, 2 gongs, 10 cowbells , 4 rides, 5 snares, a rototom rack, and it's all mounted on my infamous quadruple kick drum system. Six more pieces and I got a bigger set than Neil Peart from Rush, yeah.

Lindsay:
That's great Nick.

Nick:
Teachers want us to work, and I say, "Fine, I'll work. But you've gotta let me do the kind of work that I wanna do." And for me, it's my drum kit, man. This is my passion. This is the essence of who I am now. But before I had this, I was lost, too. You see what I'm saying? You need to find your reason for living. You've gotta find your big, gigantic drum kit.

Kim:
Why don't you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich?

Harold:
I had a friend who used to smoke. Know what he's doing now? He's dead. You think smoking looks cool, let's go dig him up and see how cool he looks now.

[Later at dinner]

Harold:
You know, there was a girl in our school... and she had premarital sex. Know what she did on her graduation day? Died! Of a heroin overdose!

Sam:
Dad? Are any of your friends alive?

Harold:
The smart ones.

Lindsay:
All my new friends think I'm some goody-two-shoes and all my old friends think I'm throwing my life away. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Lindsay:
Well, my house is so boring looking...so I just wanted to make it look more party-like.

Ken:
Well I'll tell you how to make it look more party-like. Point me to the keg.

Nick:
Oh yeah.

Lindsay:
In the corner.

Ken:
Then I am in the corner.

Harold:
I guess you'd prefer we listen to that punk rock music I've been reading about. You know those Sex Pistols? They spit on their audience! Yep, that's what I wanna do. Spend my hard earned money to be spit on. Now that's entertainment...Elvis didn't expectorate on his fans.

Sam:
No. But he died on the toilet.

Harold:
Well, that's paradise compared to where the Sex Pistols are gonna end up.

Sam:
What's non-alcoholic beer?

Bill:
It's beer but without that ingredient that makes you drunk.

Neal:
Alcohol?

Bill:
Yeah.

Sam:
Keg of beer, please.

Liquor Store Clerk:
Don't see that happening.

Neal:
Oh, no, we'd like non-alcoholic beer.

Liquor Store Clerk:
Oh, really? No!

Sam:
Please? We really need it!

Liquor Store Clerk:
What for?

Neal:
We're gonna switch the kegs at his sister's party.

Liquor Store Clerk:
Righteous!

Bill:
I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Hold on, I'm gonna put the phone on my bionic ear. That's--that's better. No, don't talk so loud! Don't forget, I've got bionic hearing.

Daniel:
Knock it off, blondie. You're gonna blow the speakers.

Kim:
Oh, I'm sorry, Grandpa. I'll try not to blow anything of yours from now on.

Bill:
Ma'am, I hope there aren't any peanuts in these peanuts.

Harold:
Last time I had this much fun, I was pinned down in a foxhole by the North Koreans.

Ken:
Would you quit it, you're making me sick!

Daniel:
Why don't you make out with Nicky, and we'll call it a foursome?

Ken:
Yeah, why don't you make out with my butt, and we'll call it love?

Karen:
I guess I'm just gonna have to mark this locker again. This time in geek blood.

Millie:
I heard about what she does in the yearbook darkroom.

Lindsay:
What? She does what? I have no idea what you're talking about.

Millie:
She does it.

Lindsay:
What do you mean, it?

Millie:
She fornicates it!

Bill:
I don't really like jokes. I don't think they're funny.

Sam:
What am I supposed to do with a porno?

Neal:
You watch it. Over and over.

Sam:
Ew, only perverts watch pornos, right?

Neal:
Well, then every guy in America is a pervert.

Harold:
She's hanging with a bad crowd. She's lying and cheating and next thing you know, she's Patty Hearst with a gun to our heads.

Neal:
What is wrong with them? Why do they think that hitting people with towels is so funny?

Bill:
If it wasn't us, it would be kind of funny.

Sam:
Will girls ever like us?

Neal:
I think our best play is to go for the smart, sexy librarian type.

Bill:
Stop looking up my shorts.

Neal:
Why would we? There's nothing to see.

Sam:
Just keep climbing, Wonder Woman.

Bill:
There is something to see.

Neal:
My mom says women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.

Bill:
But you're not funny.

Neal:
Screw you. I'm hilarious!

Daniel:
Rock 'n roll don't come from your brain. It comes from your crotch.

Jean:
Nobody's home. You wanna have a little sex?

Harold:
Sex?! Well, okay.

Harold:
You can hardly stand to be around us. When you two were kids, you used to run around naked and lay in bed with us all night. We bathed you and we cleaned your butts when you pooped and we loved it. Now, we try to pat you on the head and you run for the hills. Well, I'm fed up. We are going to be close from now on whether you like it or not. We're going to spend quality time together, and we're going to enjoy it, damn it!

Daniel:
I hate astrology. What, everybody born in the same month is gonna have the same life?

Ken:
I just want to be older so I can go to bars. Everything fun in this world happens in bars.

Sam:
So this is what having a girlfriend is gonna be like? She is your best friend, she is beautiful, you can say and do anything in front of her.

Neal:
Well, my dad always says that's what something what women want you to think before you marry them. That's how they suck you in.

Bill:
[after Maureen changed the menu to read "Pan Fried Butts"] How are we not supposed to be in love with her?

Mr. Kowchevksi:
All right, kids, hurry to class. Last one to class, first one on welfare. It's your choice.

Daniel:
Lindsay... I think it's really great that you and Nick are going out.

Lindsay:
Yeah. Me too.

Daniel:
No, I mean it. Nick's a great guy. We give him a hard time, but you know... he's the man. I just think it's really great you guys are going out. He's a really great guy.

Lindsay:
Yeah, I know.

Daniel:
Nick's a stud. You know? I mean, he may not seem like it, but he is.

Ms. Yeats:
Mr. Desario, don't you have something to do?

Daniel:
Right, but I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.

Ms. Yeats:
Oh, be still my beating heart.

Daniel:
[whispers to Lindsay] I like that dress.

Nick:
Hey, man, I heard Kim got an A on her world civ test. That's great. Oh, no, that's right, that was MY girlfriend. Ohhh...

Daniel:
That's really funny.

Nick:
Oh, you know what though? Lindsay got detention for flipping off her gym teacher. Oh no, that's right, that was YOUR girlfriend. Oh ho ho...

Daniel:
I heard Kim punched you in the chest really hard. Oh, whoops, that was me. [Daniel punches Nick.]

Nick:
That was really hard.

Sam:
Cindy is not abnormal.

Bill:
Yeah? She cut the cheese.

Neal:
Oh my God.

Sam:
That's not funny.

Bill:
I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.

Sam:
Well, some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?

Bill:
I don't know. Vinyl?

Sam:
Vinyl chairs always squeak.

Bill:
It wasn't a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.

Nick:
See, Lindsay. Nothing 'bout you and me should ever be rushed. I made that mistake before, but I'm not gonna make it with you. Cause we've got time. We've got all the time in the world. And you know why? [singing] Cause you're my lady of the morning. Love shines in your eyes. Sparkling, clear and lovely. [speaking] You're my lady. See, Lindsay. We were made for each other.

Lindsay:
You wanna make out or something?

Nick:
No. All guys wanna make out. But I just wanna hold you. [holds her] What's better than this?

Daniel:
These jocks think they're such badasses. Like they cured cancer or something.

Cindy:
Remember when I told you I had a crush on Todd?

Sam:
Yeah.

Cindy:
Well I don't.

Sam:
Really?

Cindy:
It's more like an obsession.

Neal:
Being the school mascot has always been my dream.

Bill:
Yeah. Since lunch.

Ken:
[hit by water balloons] That better have been water. That's all I'm sayin'.

Sam:
Think we could be arrested for making prank calls?

Neal:
Yeah, and we'll get sent to telephone prison.

Bill:
Fredericks? You're a turd. A stinky fat turd. Go sniff a jock strap, you poophead. You love patting boys butts. You love patting boys butts, butt. You butt patter. You're a perv, and a loser, and a stinky turd.

Neil:
Smooth move, Alexander Graham Bell.

Mr. Weir:
We are not robots and things do not need to change. I like how things are! I like eating the same things. You know why? Because those are the things I like! I like chicken. And I like pot roast. And, that's how I feel about you Jean.

Mrs. Weir:
Oh please. You like me like you like a pot roast?

Mr. Weir:
I love pot roast!

Mr. Weir:
You think I don't appreciate you? Well, I do. Everything I do I do to serve you. I think of you when I'm stocking fishing poles. I think of you when I'm answering questions about cross country ski wax. My whole life is about serving you. And I love you, Jean.

Daniel:
Am I a loser?

Harris:
You're not a loser because you're having sex. But if you weren't having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.

Neal:
Oh my god! I guess Elvis hasn't left the building.

Bill:
It's a Parisian night suit in case you didn't know.

Gordon:
A Parisian! Ooh la la!

Neal:
It's not a Parisian. It's a jumpsuit. My grandfather in Florida wears them all the time because he's too lazy to put on pants.

Kowchevski:
Ladies, this is just for tomorrow's scrimmage. This isn't the last chopper out of Saigon. Can we please just crank down the drama a notch?

Kim:
Check out the pizza-face dork with the trombone! Why doesn't he just pop those things?

Daniel:
I think if he did, he'd die of blood loss.

Sam:
Hey, Neal, I gotta go home. My parents are going to be worried.

Bill:
Yeah, me too. My mom doesn't like to watch Dallas alone.

Neal:
I'm just going to have my coffee now.

Bill:
Is that before or after you shave?

Neal:
Tell you one thing, when I get married, I'm never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.

Bill:
I'd be happy just to get a wife. I don't think I want the kind that's gonna get old and fat.

Sam:
I don't even know how you get one girl. How does anyone get two?

Neal:
So I wake up this morning, and guess what's sitting at the foot of my bed?

Bill:
A turd?

Neal:
Yes Bill, a turd.

Bill:
Eew!

Neal:
An Atari!

Nick:
What do people do when they're not stoned?

Ken:
I dunno. Relate to one another?

Mr. Rosso:
How dumb do I look?

Ken:
Do you really wanna know?

Millie:
You're high!

Lindsay:
How could you tell?

Millie:
I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.

Lindsay:
God! We used to love Mac Davis, remember?

Millie:
Yeah. You used to say you wished you had pillows stuffed with his hair.

Harold:
OK, I'll tell you what Lindsay. I'll listen to this album and you can go to the concert if I don't find anything objectionable.

Lindsay:
Thanks Dad. I'm sure it'll be fine.

Harold:
Oh don't be so sure of yourself; I'll be listening to it backwards too!

Ken:
I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal.

Lindsay:
Are you copying Ken's homework?

Kim:
Trying to. He writes like a mental patient.

Harold:
[to Lindsay, about going to the concert] Alright, fine. Just keep those boys away from your accordion.

Neal:
He's a gym teacher. There's no upward mobility.

Mr. Kowchevski:
Why don't you go pick on someone your own size. There's a bus in the parking lot.

Jenna Zank:
You know what punkers don't do? Call themselves punkers.

Harold:
By the way, that drummer you're listening to...

Nick:
Yeah?

Harold:
He's terrible!

Nick:
What? That's Neil Peart, he's the greatest drummer alive!

Harold:
Well, Neil Peart couldn't drum his way out of a paper bag.

Neal:
Everyone looks cool in turtle necks. That's the point! We can't both wear them; we'll look like the Smothers Brothers!

Nick:
Wow, that dinner smells good. Let me guess, meat?

Harold:
You know what the difference is between you and Nick? You're my daughter. Every second you're out of this house... every second that I can't see you... or know what you're doing... it's... it's absolute torture for me.

Lindsay:
Dad... I can't stay inside all the time...

Harold:
I know...... Why not?

Sam:
It's Cindy. She's kind of boring. It's weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she wants to do is make out and stuff.

Neal:
I'd kill to be that bored.

Harold:
Everyone's a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses!

Daniel:
All right, fine, I'll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.

Bill:
Carlos the dwarf?

Daniel:
Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?

DJ:
Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling "Disco sucks?" What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock 'n' roll" teaches you?

Ken:
No, it teaches me that disco sucks!!

Harold:
You're not lying, are you, Sam?

Sam:
No.

Harold:
'Cause you know what happens to liars in this world, don't you?

Sam:
They end up getting killed in jail.

Harold:
Right.

Lindsay:
I don't know. Rosso's okay. And why would you want to ruin a mailbox?

Ken:
I don't know. We gotta blow up something.

Daniel:
Greetings princess. It is I, Carlos the Dwarf. The dragon has been slain and you are free to rule your kingdom.