Friends, Season 8

Ross:
Monica's pregnant!

Joey:
Oh, my...! Is that why you guys had to get married?

Monica:
Guys! I'm not pregnant.

Joey:
Ah. [To Chandler] Slow swimmers?

[Chandler and Ross looking for camera's, Ross walks over to table]

Ross:
Did you find them yet?

[Chandler pops out from under the table]

Chandler:
[sarcastically] Yeah, that's why I'm under here, celebrating.

[Rachel and Phoebe are checking out of a hotel.]

Rachel:
Listen - y'know what, sir? For the last time, I don't care what the computer says. We did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!

Joey:
[arriving] Hey!

Phoebe:
Oh! Joey, were you in our room last night?

Joey:
No. [Phoebe gives the bill to Joey. Joey turns to the concierge.] I was told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!

Phoebe:
I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

Ross:
Well, yeah, I think we should get married.

Rachel:
Why? Because that's your answer to everything?

Ross:
Come on, I mean, you don't even like eating alone. How are you gonna raise a baby on your own?

Rachel:
I DO SO eat alone!

Ross:
When?

Rachel:
When certain people leave the table and I am not finished!

Ross:
I don't know why you don't just admit it.

Rachel:
Oh, please! You inhale your food!

Ross:
I grew up with Monica! You didn't eat fast, you didn't eat!

Joey:
[Talking to Monica over the phone because he and Phoebe mistakenly broke down Monica and Chandler's apartment door ] Hey Monica, Phoebe and I smelled gas coming from your apartment.

Monica:
Oh, my...! [looks at Chandler] Joey smells gas

Chandler:
What else is new?

Monica:
[to Joey on the phone] Well, you have to get in there.

Joey:
Yeah, but you took away our keys. Would it be okay if we say, broke your door down?

Monica:
Yes! Yes! Just get in, break the door down, whatever!

Joey:
Okay, we'll do that. [Gives thumbs up sign to Phoebe]

Monica:
[Arriving to the honeymoon hotel with Chandler and seeing that the honeymoon couple who got first class seats on the plane now get the honeymoon suite] No! No! No! You cannot do this to us again!

Man:
Who are you?

Chandler:
We're you 10 seconds later!

Monica:
Everyone gives you special treatment because your on your honeymoon!The first class tickets, the honeymoon suite! No one cares that we're on our honeymoon!

Girl:
Well take the suite if you want. [Hands them the keys] We don't need the stuff.

Man:
We just wanna be together, were in love.

Chandler:
Awwww... Well we need the stuff!

Phoebe:
So, how was the honeymoon?

Monica:
Oh, so much fun. But the best part is we met this incredible couple on the flight back.

Phoebe:
That was the best part? [To Chandler] Good honeymooning, Tiger.

Ross:
I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex wise...

Joey:
Oh. For, like, months ?

Ross:
Five, to be... lying. Six.

Joey:
Six? That's rough.

Ross:
It's not all bad, I'm learning to appreciate the small things like the sound of a bird and like the colour of the sky.

Joey:
The sky's blue, Ross, and I had sex yesterday.

Joey:
How did the date go ?

Ross:
[sarcastically] Great! I'm across the street, having sex right now.

Rachel:
Hey, what do you think is a better excuse for why I'm not drinking on this date tonight: I'm a recovering alcoholic, I'm a Mormon, or I got so hammered last night I'm still a little drunk?

Rachel:
Monica, we need more candy.

Monica:
What? There's only been like 4 kids!

Rachel:
Yeah I know, but one of them just said that she loved me so I just gave her everything.

Phoebe:
No wonder you're pregnant.

Chandler:
Monica, can I talk to you for a second? [approaches Monica] I really appreciate you getting me the costume!

Rachel:
You did this to him?

Monica:
I thought he'd love it! His favourite book was The Velveteen Rabbit.

Chandler:
That rabbit was brown and white!

Monica:
It was a pink bunny or no bunny at all.

Chandler:
No bunny at all! ALWAYS NO BUNNY AT ALL!

Chandler:
Brenda, a bee! Yes! it's flown into your blouse and you'd better undo your buttons lest it sting you!

Phoebe:
No, don't tear out your eye!!

Rachel:
I got TiVo!

Dr. Green:
What's TiVo?

Phoebe:
It's slang for pregnant.

Phoebe:
 I'm sorry I won't be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I'm really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah. 

Monica:
Just so you know, I'm not gonna make a turkey this year.

Joey:
What?

Monica:
Phoebe doesn't eat turkey.

Joey:
Phoebe!

Phoebe:
Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals!

Joey:
No, they're not! They're ugly and stupid and delicious! Besides, eating them is a tradition. It goes back to the very first Thanksgiving when the Indians sat down with the cowboys!

Rachel :
Oh, right, that's when they had that big rodeo at Plymouth Rock!

Monica:
It's not just Phoebe. Will's still on a diet, Chandler doesn't eat Thanksgiving food and Rachel's having her aversion to poultry!

Joey:
She is?

Rachel:
Yeah! Don't you remember? I had to leave the room the other day when you had that roast chicken?

Joey:
Yeah, but I thought it was just because I put the whole thing on my hand and made it walk across the table!

Monica:
It just doesn't seem worth it to make an entire turkey for just three people, okay? It's a lot of work!

Joey:
But you gotta have turkey on Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with no turkey is like 4th of July with no apple pie! Or Friday with no two pizzas!

Monica:
All right, fine, if it means that much to you! But there's gonna be a ton left over!

Joey:
No, there won't! I promise, I will finish that turkey!

Monica:
Okay, you're telling me that you can eat almost an entire turkey in one sitting?

Joey:
That's right! 'Cause I'm a Tribbiani, and this is what we do! We may be not great thinkers, or world leaders, we don't read a lot, or run very fast... but damn it, we can eat!

[Everyone is watching Joey finish off the turkey.]

Joey:
Well, that's it. I'm done. Whew! [wipes his forehead] There come the meat sweats. [Chandler hands him a towel and he wipes his face.]

Monica:
Well, Joey, we're all... we're all very proud of you.

Chandler:
Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the President any moment now.

Phoebe:
Is there anything we can do for you?

Joey:
No, just nobody press on my stomach.

Rachel:
You can keep those pants, by the way.

[Joey notices that Monica has a pie.]

Joey:
Whoa-hey-wh-wh-what do you got there? What is that? Pie?

Monica:
Yeah. You want some?

Joey:
Ah, just cut me a little sliver.

[Monica prepares to cut a little sliver.]

Joey:
A little bigger.

[Monica prepares to cut a bigger piece.]

Joey:
Little bigger.

[Monica moves the knife again.]

Joey:
What? Are you afraid you're gonna run out? Cut me a real piece!

[Ross baby-talks to Rachel's belly.]

Phoebe:
How can you let him talk to your crotch like that?

Rachel:
He's talking to the baby.

Phoebe:
Oh! Okay! Okay, 'cause when - when he said "I can't wait to hear your first words," I thought, "There's a trick!"

Trudie Styler:
Look, I've just pressed a button triggering a silent alarm. Any minute now, the police will be here.

Phoebe:
The Police, here? A reunion?

Ross:
Mona, I love you.

Mona:
Awwh! And I love spending time with you!

Phoebe:
Ross, How did the conversation go ?

Ross:
Great. I live on the street.

Phoebe:
Where ?

[Phoebe plays Ms. Pacman, her wedding gift to Monica and Chandler.]

Monica:
Oh, my, Phoebe, you are on fire!

Phoebe:
I know!

Chandler:
One more score to go. You can do it! [touches Phoebe's shoulder]

Phoebe:
Don't touch me.

Monica:
[To Chandler] Don't touch her!

Chandler:
All right. Go left, go left, go right, go right!

Phoebe:
I can't, I can't [she loses] NOOOOOOOOOOOO! You son of a bi-!

[Ben comes in with Ross. Epic music swells, drowning out Phoebe's 90-second curse-rant]

Ross:
Phoebe?

Phoebe:
Oh, hi, Ben. No, don't look at the machine!

[The gang is discussing possible names for Rachel's baby]

Phoebe:
OK, for a girl: Phoebe; and for a boy: Phoebo.

Rachel:
How about: for a girl, Rain?

Ross:
Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat."

Phoebe:
I know her!

Joey:
I once saw this movie where there was a door, and nobody knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open, millions and MILLIONS of bugs came POURING out, and they feasted on human flesh! [Looks at door nervously] You know, IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO RESPECT YOUR WIFE'S PRIVACY!

Chandler:
Why have I seen this thing three times?!

Rachel:
Will you guys stop? Giving birth is one of the most..[Sees the video and screams]... Oh my... why is that child torturing that lady???

Joey:
I... I think I'm falling in love with you.

Rachel:
[After a moment] Who you talking to?

Monica:
[Browsing through their CD's] Honey, the Miami Vice Soundtrack, really?

Chandler:
They were just giving those away at the store... in exchange for money.

Chandler:
Honey, we are so meant to be. Look, we both have copies of the Annie soundtrack!

Monica:
Honey? Both yours.

Parker:
To quote Ross, "I better be going!"

Phoebe:
Don't let the best door in the world hit you in the ass on the way out!

Phoebe:
Well, if you're gonna get to know him then you'd better do it now.

Joey:
Why?

Phoebe:
Because I'm gonna kill him.

Joey:
What? Why?

Phoebe:
You guys were right, Parker's too excited about everything. I mean I'm all for living, but come on, this is the Geller's 35th wedding anniversary, let's call a spade a spade, this party stinks!

Joey:
I know, I'm having the worst time. There was a 15-minute line for the buffet, then when I finally got up to the plates, I slipped on a giant booger!

Phoebe:
Really? Are you sure it wasn't an oyster?

Joey:
I dunno, I guess it could've been. I didn't really look at it. I just wiped it on Chandler's coat and got the hell outta there.

Chandler:
[About Parker] Somewhere there is someone with a tranquilizer gun and a huge butterfly net looking for that man.

Parker:
My God, I don't want to forget this moment! It's like I want to take a mental picture of you all. Click!

Chandler:
I don't think the flash went off.

Parker:
Is something wrong?

Phoebe:
Wrong? Really, you know the word wrong? Everything isn't perfect? Everything isn't magical and aglow with the light of a million fairies? They were just brake lights, Parker!

Parker:
Well, excuse me for trying to put a positive spin on a traffic jam!

Parker:
I'm a positive person!

Phoebe:
No. I'm a positive person. You are like Santa Claus...on Prozac...in Disneyland...getting laid!

[Joey is reluctant to do another Soap Opera Digest interview because the previous one got him fired.]

Joey:
Who knows what I might say this time?

Chandler:
If only there was something in your head to control the things you say!

Joey:
Fine, all right, I'll do it. But, hey! You guys have to be at the next table so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid!

Ross:
Just then, or - or all the time, 'cause... we have jobs, you know.

Joey:
In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind. And I'm also a mento for kids.

Interviewer:
A "mento"?

Joey:
You know, a mento. A role model.

Interviewer:
A men-to.

Joey:
Right.

Interviewer:
Like the candy?

Joey:
As a matter of fact, I do.

Phoebe:
Ross, why are you all hot and sweaty?

Ross:
I just Bamboozled Chandler!

[Monica looks confused.]

Ross:
Which isn't a sexual thing.

Ross:
Look, I have a son. And his mother and I didn't live together, and whenever he was with me I took care of him all the time, by myself.

Mrs. Green:
That's true. You do have another child.

Ross:
Yeah.

Mrs. Green:
With another woman. Have you no control Ross?

Monica:
Hey Joey, come taste this.

Joey:
What is it?

Monica:
Remember that guy that gave me a bad review? Well… [Feeds him a spoonful of what she's cooking] I'm getting my revenge!

Joey:
You cooked him?

Phoebe:
Well, the interview…

Chandler:
What about it?

Phoebe:
Y'know! You don't make a very good first impression.

Chandler:
[shocked] What?!

Phoebe:
Oh you don't know.

Chandler:
Are you serious?!

Phoebe:
Yes, when I first met you, you were like, "Blah, blah, blah." I was like, shhh!

Chandler:
What is it that I do?

Phoebe:
Well it's just like you're trying too hard. Always making jokes, y'know, you just-You come off a little needy.

Chandler:
[To Rachel] Did you like me when we first met?

Rachel:
Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to ya, but I am gonna run away from you. [Gets up and hurries out]

Joey:
Well I had a great time! Learned how to bake, ate great food, that's the first A I've gotten since seventh grade, and I didn't have to sleep with the teacher this time.

Monica:
Oh, look! Acting for Beginners! Want to feel good about yourself?

Joey:
What the hell!

Monica:
Okay.

[They enter]

The Acting Teacher:
All right, let's start with some basics. Can anybody tell me what the difference between frontstage and backstage is?

[No one can and Monica looks at Joey expectantly]

Joey:
Yeah, this was a stupid idea. [Exits]

Rachel:
Seriously, Ross, breathe louder, that's great.

Ross:
Y'know, We should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half-human, half-pure evil!

Rachel:
How may centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?

Dr. Long:
Three.

Ross:
Just three? I'm dilated three!

Rachel:
Stupid metric system!

[Rachel is giving birth]

Monica:
I can't believe this is taking so long. How're you doing?

Rachel:
Not bad. You know that feeling where you try to blow a St. Bernard out your ass?

Ross:
And soon someone will call her "Mom."

[Rachel is giving birth]

Ross:
Let's go - one more time - one final push. Ready? 1... 2... 3!

[Rachel pushes really hard and jerks her head forward hitting Ross in the head. He falls down]

Ross:
Keep pushing!

Rachel:
Are you okay?

Ross:
[Slowly getting up] You have no idea how much this hurts!

[Rachel and Dr. Long stare at him]

Ross:
Keep going! Keep going!

Ross:
[upon finding out Chandler's middle name] Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

Chandler:
I know you don't like to relinquish control.

Monica:
Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose.

Rachel:
I can't live with Joey once the baby comes. I don't want my child's first words to be, "How you doin'?"

Ross:
Well it turns out that Ben and Sting's son do not get along.

Phoebe:
How come?!

Ross:
Apparently, Sting's son made fun of the fact that Ben's moms are "lesbinims."

Joey:
Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross if you had to, who would you punch?

Rachel:
No one, they are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.

Joey:
Chandler?

Rachel:
Yeah, but I don't know why.

Chandler:
[laying in the bathtub thinking] All right, this isn't so bad. I like the flowery smell! Which is okay, because I've got my boat. I can actually feel my tension just melting melting away. I could fall asleep in here. I could drown in here. Mmm... drowning.

Monica:
[entering] So?

Chandler:
Oh my God.

Monica:
I told you you were a bath person. Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.

Chandler:
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.

Joey:
Do you have a bobby pin?

Chandler:
Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a 9-year-old girl.

Joey:
Then why do you throw like one?

[Rachel leaves the doctor's office after having Braxton Hicks contractions]

Ross:
Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women don't even feel them.

Rachel:
Okay, no uterus, no opinion.

Ross:
What do you got behind your back?

Monica:
Nothing. Just something I wanna get Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.

Ross:
You don't want my opinion?

Monica:
Not really.

Ross:
Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.

Monica:
[showing him two lingerie dresses] Oh, okay, big brother, um... Which one of these do you think would make your little sister look hotter so your friend would wanna do her?

Ross:
[turns away, then says quietly without looking at her] The red one...

Rachel:
I had to get away from all the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.

Monica:
Poor Ross. (Monica and Chandler run over to the window to spy on Ross)

Chandler:
Great. We have to watch him doing yoga in his underwear, but for this he closes the drapes.

Monica:
Joey isn't even thinking about going after Rachel. All he is thinking about is how you are taking this. I mean it's completely freaking him out. He's talking about moving to Vermont.

Ross:
Why?

Monica:
He says he wants to leave the country.

Rachel:
What's the final head count on my baby shower?

Phoebe:
About twenty. A couple of people from work had something else to do.

Monica:
Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it.

Rachel:
What? You mean they're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking!

Ross:
This is insane! I'm not gonna make love to you just so you'll go into labor!

Rachel:
Make love? What are you, a girl?

Ross:
A great way to get into a man's pants.

Judy Geller:
[pressuring Ross to marry Rachel] This isn't just some girl you picked up in a bar and... humped. A child should have a family.

Ross:
Mom, you know what? I can't deal with this right now. I'm sorry...

Judy:
Just think about it. If you don't, I'll talk more about humping.

[Rachel is holding her baby girl in awe. Ross attempts to kiss her on the forehead but she looks up before he can do so. They look at each other and kiss.]

Rachel:
Hello, baby girl.