Full House, Season 4

Papouli:
[talks about a traditional wedding from his town] According to Pompadour's tradition, they are married. You give the girl flowers, you walk her around the table and... that's what it's all about.

Danny:
That's not a wedding, that's the Hokey-Pokey.

Joey:
[after someone at the party breaks a plate in celebration] Now it's a Greek party! OPA!!!

[he throws a plate down to the floor, and it breaks]

Everyone else:
OPA!!!

[they all do the same thing]

Michelle:
Can we watch Arsenio?

Danny:
What do you think?

Michelle:
I think it's time for bed.

Danny:
That's right. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

Michelle:
Daddy, am I still your little princess?

Danny:
Oh, you got it, dude.

Danny:
[after reading Dr. Seuss, Michelle refuses to go to sleep] Don't shake your head. Your story's read. It's time for bed. To bed, I said.

Jesse:
Gotta lay off that Seuss, man.

Joey:
[to Mr. Malatesta about Jesse] This man is not a hamburger, and I am not a side of fries, and you, sir, are a... Chicken McNugget!

Jesse:
Joey, are you gonna quit or order a Happy Meal?

[after catching Michelle and Danny dancing to "Shake Your Booty"]

Jesse:
Now I know why disco died.

Jesse:
[reads paper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed... "Jersey Katsopolis"?

Danny:
Jersey Katsopolis. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Danny and Rebecca:
Wake up, San Francisco!

Danny:
Hi. I'm the perky Danny Tanner.

Rebecca:
And I'm the stiff Rebecca Donaldson. And starting next week, you'll be seeing a new and improved "Wake Up, San Francisco."

Danny:
It's warmer.

Rebecca:
It's friendlier.

Danny:
So, let our happy home...

Rebecca:
...be a part of your happy home.

Danny:
Get yourself comfortable.

Rebecca:
Grab yourself a cup of coffee.

Danny:
And a Pop Tart. And join us every morning at 9:00 as we say...

Danny and Rebecca:
Wake Up, San Francisco! [they clink their mugs, but they end up breaking]

Michelle:
Uncle Jesse, Aaron ate my elephant!

Jesse:
That's not fair, go eat his cookie. If somebody does something to you, do it back to him.

Michelle:
Works for me.

Michelle:
Give me your cookie!

Aaron:
That was my camel!

Michelle:
It's in my tummy now. [laughs tauntingly]

Michelle:
I saw lions and tigers and bears.

Danny:
Oh my.

Michelle:
[having heard the big news] Joey's opening a fig newton in Vegas....and the chimps have lice.

Stephanie:
I think you're a little mixed up.

Michelle:
I'm a lot mixed up.

Michelle:
[to a bodybuilder] Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.

Jesse:
I hope you're not offended. But if you are, that's her father over there.

Michelle:
Let's pig out!

Danny:
Now, now, Michelle, you're not being very polite.

Michelle:
I'm sorry. Let's pig out, please.

Jesse:
[about Carrie] Joseph, you should've seen her. She had the most incredible hypnotic eyes, the face of an angel, the most amazing body.

Rusty:
You're okay, Mr. Tanner.

Danny:
Hey. Call me Danny. [hugs Rusty]

Rusty:
You're a real touchy-feely sorta guy, aren't you, Danny?

Danny:
You'll get used to it.

Danny:
[to Rusty] Pranks are one thing, but when you mess with a man's shampoo, you're messing with the man.

Danny:
Okay, guys, listen up. I like Cindy a lot, and she and I really hit it off, so no pressure, but I just want today to be the best day she's ever had.

Jesse:
So let her in.

Cindy:
Hi, Steph. Uh, your dad wants some air freshener.

Stephanie:
In the backyard?

Cindy:
Yeah, he says the backyard doesn't smell woodsy enough.

Comet:
[in his mind] Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

Danny:
[to Michelle] First, I'm gonna take you to preschool. And then I'm going to go to work, and then do the marketing, clean the house, send Kathy Santoni a get-well card, and still have time to put a hot dinner on the table. Impossible, you say? For the average father, yes. But not for me, because I am Super Dad!

Danny:
[surprised after seeing Stephanie kiss Rusty wildly] Whoa! Stephanie, where'd you learn to do that? [scene shows DJ kissing Ricky]

Rebecca:
Well, you can't miss the big party down at the station.

Joey:
Why? Is... uh, Danny gonna be "Baby New Year" again?

Danny:
Not after that wicked diaper rash I got last year.

Michelle:
[to Stephanie] May I have that cupcake, please?

Stephanie:
No, you may not.

Michelle:
But I was polite, and I said please.

Stephanie:
I was polite, too. I said, "no, you may not."

Michelle:
[takes off her badge] Guess what? Politeness Week is over! [grabs Stephanie's cupcake and runs off]

Stephanie:
How rude! [chases after Michelle]

Jesse:
Steve... Steve, Steve-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.

Steve:
Oh, well, thank you.

Jesse:
You're welcome. Steve, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool. (starts to slowly bounce) That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go. (starts walking) And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?

Steve:
Very inspiring. (tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sideways on his toes bouncing highly)

Jesse:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.

Steve:
Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should try it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.

Jesse:
Oh, really? Like this? (sticks elbow out)

Steve:
Yeah. (Jesse starts to walk) You're doing fine!

Jesse:
You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.

Steve:
Yeah.

Jesse:
It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?

Steve:
Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share life stories. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And -

Jesse:
Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.

Steve:
Thanks! [enters the kitchen] Oh, ladies?

[he, D.J., and Julie shout inside the kitchen]

DJ:
(getting ready to square dance) I hate to get technical but we formed a triangle.

Rebecca:
It will be much more square when my parents get here.

Jesse:
You ain't kidding.

Rebecca:
What?

Jesse:
Oh, I said... I'll do your bidding.

Rebecca:
That's all I ask.

Jesse:
[as he gets stuck in a tree after skydiving] Help! Help! Becky, I'm coming! Don't marry Joey!!

Rebecca:
[to Joey] You took him skydiving?! Well, where is he? What if something happened to him?!

Joey:
Don't worry. He said if anything happens, I should marry you myself.

Rebecca:
Mom! [cries in her mother's arms]

[in an airplane, we see Jesse and Joey...]

Joey:
Jess, you're totally out of your mind.

Jesse:
I know. I said I'd never get in a plane with you.

Joey:
No, I'm talking about skydiving. It's crazy.

Jesse:
People say it's the ultimate rush. I took all the lessons, but I never jumped because I was too windy. Joseph, I gotta have this one last adventure before I get married.

Joey:
Do you have to do this on your wedding day?

Jesse:
This is the last hour of my life as a single guy. Pretty soon, I'm gonna be married, I'm gonna have a family with all the responsibilities. I mean, what am I gonna do then? Jump out of a station wagon?

Joey:
Well, you could. Your chute might not open in time.

Jesse:
Joey, look. I have to do this one last crazy thing before I give it all up for the woman that I love.

Joey:
Isn't flyng with me crazy enough?

Jesse:
No.

Joey:
How about when I do this?

[Joey makes a looping while Jesse screams]

Jesse:
Don't do that! [he hits Joey] I got this all planned out. I stashed my Harley, I got my tux on. I do the jump, hop on my Harley, cruise to the chapel, and just enough time to re-mousse my hair and say "I do."

Joey:
Great plan. Can I make one little suggestion?

Jesse:
What?

Joey:
Snap out of it!

Jesse:
Joey, this is just something I have to do for myself, alright?

Joey:
Alright. Have a safe trip. Good luck, buddy.

Jesse:
Thanks, pal.

[Jesse goes to the open plane door and puts on his helmet]

Jesse:
Oh, and Joseph? If anything goes wrong... I want you to marry Becky.

[he looks out of the door, into the depth]

Jesse:
Whoa!

[he takes a deep breath and jumps]

Jesse:
Have mercy!

Joey:
Oh my god! He jumped without his... mousse!

Jesse:
Did I forget my mousse?

[we find Jesse still stuck in the tree]

Jesse:
Hey! Help! Help me! [sees a large truck of tomatoes] Hey, you with the tomato truck, stop! I'm up in the tree, up here!

[a red-haired man in overalls named Farmer Bob exits the truck]

Farmer Bob:
Hey, whatcha doin' up there, fella?

Jesse:
Oh, just enjoying the view. What do you think I'm doing? Can you help me down, please?

Farmer Bob:
Well, yeah. Sure. I'll tell you what, I'll go get Old Man Hudson's cherry picker.

Jesse:
Alright. Well, hurry up. I was supposed to be at my wedding ten minutes ago, thanks.

Farmer Bob:
Well, I imagine we'll have you down in two, three hours tops. Now don't you go anywhere.

Jesse:
What?! I can't wait that long! [he tries to shake himself loose. the parachute breaks] Mercy!

[lands in the back of the tomato truck]

Farmer Bob:
What are you doing? Those are my prized tomatoes you just squashed.

[Jesse spits out some seeds from the tomato]

Jesse:
Well, they're not tomatoes anymore, they're ketchup. I just cut out the middleman.

Farmer Bob:
Is that-is that some sort of tomato joke? You better watch your mouth, boy. This here's Tomato Country.

Jesse:
I have nothing but the highest regards for tomatoes and the men and women that do grow them. But I need a ride to San Fransisco right now.

Farmer Bob:
I don't give rides to tomato-squashers.

Jesse:
This is my life we're talking about, okay? Not some dumb vegetable.

Farmer Bob:
It's a fruit.

Jesse:
Fruit, vegetable... Look, the point is, I like you, Red, and-and I like tomatoes, a lot, believe me. And I like your red hair, and you know what? I like your truck. And I'm gonna borrow it, and I'll get it right back to you.

[gets in the truck and closes the door]

Farmer Bob:
Hey, get back here! Open that door! [Jesse starts the engine] Hey, hold it! [a police car drive up to the scene] Cousin Harold. [the officer gets out of the car] Cousin Harold, that boy just smashed every one of my tomatoes!

Officer Harold:
Smashed your tomatoes?

Farmer Bob:
Yeah, he's trespassing on my property, and now he's trying to steal my truck!

Officer Harold:
[walks to the truck with a megaphone] Get out of that truck! Put your hands up! Now!

[Jesse exits the truck]

Jesse:
Hi, guys. Listen, you guys are making a big mistake here. Look, I'm just... I'm late for my wedding. See, look a this, I've got my tux on and everything. See?

Officer Harold:
Well, here's a bracelet to go with it.

[slaps the cuffs on Jesse]

Jesse:
Wait a minute, guys. Guys, you're making a big mistake here.

Officer Harold:
No, you made the mistake.

Farmer Bob:
[megaphone] Do you know where you landed?

Jesse:
Tomato Country?

Stephanie:
The Making of a Wedding, the saga continues. The groom is now 25 minutes late, and here's the man who let him jump out of a plane on his wedding day, Joey Gladstone. Joey, how do you feel right now?

Joey:
Sad, hurt, angry, bitter, scared, used, and I'm pretty hungry. I forgot to eat breakfast.

Stephanie:
Poor Joey, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. And here's Becky with her loving family. Any words for Uncle Jesse?

Rebecca:
Darling, I just hope you're all right. But if you are all right, I'll kill you.

Michelle:
[as the flower girl] Stop the wedding!

Danny:
Michelle, what's wrong?

Michelle:
I ran out of flowers. I'm sorry.

Danny:
Michelle, it's not your fault you ran outta flowers. The problem is the church is much too long.

Michelle:
[to Jesse] I'm gonna miss you.

Jesse:
I'm gonna miss you too, pal. But we have to put on our bravest faces now. So let me see your brave face. Can you smile for me? [Michelle forces a small smile] That a girl. All right, now that we've got this whole bravery thing down, I want you to give me the biggest, most gigantic, most greatest hug you ever gave me in the whole entire world. Ready? Go! Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug, hug! [they hug and kiss, Jesse settles Michelle on his lap) That a girl.

Michelle:
This is a good-bye present.

Jesse:
Michelle, it's your pig. Are you sure?

Michelle:
Yes, I'm sure.

Jesse:
Well, in that case, here. I want you to have this. This is my pink bunny. I want you to put it up on the wall, and whenever you look at it, you can think of me, okay?

Michelle:
You got it, dude.

Jesse:
[kisses Michelle and sets her down on the bed; gets up to leave and looks back at her] Good-bye, Michelle.

Michelle:
Good-bye, Uncle Jesse.

[He leaves Michelle's room; they both cry silently]

Jesse:
[to Michelle] All right! We're spending the night! Did you hear that, buddy?

Michelle:
We could have a pajama party.

Joey:
Great. Should I wear my Ninjas or my California Raisins?

Joey:
You know, Jess, I could handle a lot more responsibility. Even Pat lets Vanna spin the wheel once in awhile.

Michelle:
Uncle Jesse locked me out.

Joey:
Now, why would Uncle Jesse do something like that?

Michelle:
I don't know. I'm a fun girl.

Joey:
Well, I'm just guessing, Michelle, but I think Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky just want some privacy.

Michelle:
What is privacy?

Joey:
Well, privacy means that they just wanna spend some time together. Just the two of them.

Michelle:
What are they doing in there?

Joey:
Well, they're um... They're doing their taxes.

Michelle:
Are they gonna do their taxes every night?

Joey:
For the first couple of months.

Rusty:
[when Stephanie throws a baseball] Whoa! This babe's got an arm!

Danny:
Hey! My daughter is not a babe. She does have an arm.

Danny:
Now, what are we gonna call that pitch of yours?

Rusty:
The Tanner Twister. This Saturday, we're gonna kill the Cubs!

Stephanie:
Yeah! We're gonna destroy 'em! We're gonna cream 'em! We are going to make the Cubs eat dust! I love being a jock.

Joey:
Once again, a reminder: family members are prohibited from coming onto the field and embarrassing themselves and their loved ones.

Michelle:
Excuse me. Are you Annette "Funny-Cello?"

Annette Funicello:
Something like that.

Danny:
Becky, do you know something I don't?

Rebecca:
Yes, I do. The gestation period of an elephant is 22 months.

Danny:
Actually, I knew that.

[As Danny and Kirsten get ready to go out on their date]

Joey:
[imitates Walter Brennan] Ah, well, you kids run along now, and, by gosh, have fun. And, by golly, don't stay out too late.

Kirsten:
Hey! Great Ronald Reagan.

Danny:
That's Walter Brennan.

[Rebecca is trying to break the news of her pregnancy to Jesse via "Win, Lose, or Draw" by drawing a picture of a baby in a blanket]

Jesse:
She's having... a hot dog!

Rebecca:
No!

Jesse:
Well, what? It's clearly a bun with a weenie sticking out with a happy face.

Rebecca:
No, Jess. It's not "She's having a hot dog", it's "She's having a baby", and the "she" is me! I'm having a baby!!

Jesse:
Michelle, what are you doing up?

Michelle:
I didn't get to say good night to Big Bird.

Rebecca:
Big Bird?

Jesse:
That's our baby.

Rebecca:
You named our baby "Big Bird"?

Jesse:
Yeah, just until we find out if it is a girl or a boy or a nine-foot yellow Muppet.

Danny:
What about becky? Jesse: She was okay.