Full House, Season 5

Rebecca:
Jess, we're having twins! Oh, honey!

Jesse:
Twins? I just wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl.

Mr. Lowry:
Stephanie, would you like to introduce us to your guest?

Stephanie:
Uh, not really.

Michelle:
I'm her sister, Michelle.

Mr. Lowry:
Hi. I'm Mr. Lowry.

Michelle:
(to Stephanie) You were right. He is a major babe!

D.J.:
I'll babysit my new cousins anytime, except for Friday and Saturday nights.

Stephanie:
And I'll take Friday and Saturday, until I start dating.

Michelle:
I'll help, too, but no diapers. They make me apprehensive.

Teddy:
[when Michelle talks about how she doesn't have a mommy] You should get one. Mommies use fabric softener on your pajamas.

Michelle:
My daddy does that.

Teddy:
Mommies always have lots of candy in their purse.

Michelle:
My daddy keeps Wet Wipes in his wallet.

Teddy:
Mommies wear makeup and pretty dresses.

Michelle:
You got me there.

Michelle:
Daddy, guess what, guess what, guess what?

Danny:
What, what, what?

Michelle:
Miss Wiltrout says a clean room is a happy room!

Danny:
Sounds like my kind of teacher!

Danny:
[to Michelle] See, what makes a family is people who love each other and take care of one another. You have a very special family: you have a daddy, and an Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, and a Joey.

Michelle:
I bet nobody in school has a Joey!

Michelle:
[walks down the stairs and sees bags of chips on the table] Wow! A million bags of chips and no one's in the room?

Rebecca:
Jess, you're missing the point. It's not about where you go. It's about you guys being there for us. I mean, okay, so maybe we're a little over-emotional, and maybe we do get a little demanding, but that's because our hormones are running wild. I mean we're happy, we're sad, we're all hot, we're cold, we're huge! And all we want are ridgey potato chips and a nice slice of juicy watermelon with a side of Swiss chocolate. Now, is that too much to ask?! I DON'T THINK SO!!

Danny:
What's happening to D.J. and me? We used to be so close. Becky, I feel like I'm losing my little girl.

D.J.:
You see? You don't even knock! You have no respect for my personal space.

Danny:
Don't you dare tell me about respect! You're yelling and slamming doors? What happened to my sweet little girl?

D.J.:
Don't you get it?! I'm not your little girl anymore!

Jesse:
This is my one shot at a record deal.

Michelle:
But you're my partner in the balloon race.

Jesse:
Well, get another partner.

Michelle:
But you promised.

Jesse:
Michelle, I can't.

Michelle:
But you promised.

Jesse:
Michelle, I have to write my song.

Michelle:
But you promised!

Jesse:
Well, then I'm gonna break my promise! I'm not going to the stupid picnic! So leave me alone! [walks out]

Rebecca:
Jess...

Michelle:
Uncle Jesse yelled at me.

Danny:
Oh, Michelle, I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it. Come on, we're still gonna have fun at the family picnic.

Michelle:
Uncle Jesse's not nice anymore.

Michelle:
Something stinks!

Rebecca:
Well, we're in the woods, honey. It's probably a skunk.

'D.J.:
I know that smell. Kimmy, put your shoes back on.

Jesse:
See, I've got twins coming. And I want them to be proud of their old man, you know? I want them to be able to see platinum records on the wall.

Guy in Bar:
Babies don't care about platinum records. They care that someone's there to love them, to hug and kiss them. Shame on you for snapping at your family like that, and over a picnic?

Jesse:
Yeah, well, it's worse than that. I ended up breaking a promise to my 4-year-old niece.

Guy in Bar:
I really wish you hadn't told me that. You want to be a success? Start by being a good husband. A good uncle, a good friend. After that, the rest is just gravy.

Michelle:
Thank you for finding my shoes, Uncle Hermes.

Jesse:
You're welcome. What'd you call me?

Michelle:
Uncle Hermes. That's your name.

Jesse:
Who told you my name was Hermes?

D.J.:
Grandma.

Jesse:
She's lying!

Rebecca:
Jess?

Jesse:
Okay. It's... Hermes.

Jesse:
Hermes was not only the Greek God of Swiftness, but it's also my great-grandfather's name. I'll have you know, he saved the whole town from destruction when he raced a river of lava down a mountain barefoot. All right? He went to tell the whole town a volcano erupted. 'Course, no one was left in the town, 'cause who could miss a volcano erupting? But the point I'm tryin' to make here is the name Hermes is equated with strength, courage, and very hot feet. So now, who among you will make fun of a name so bold and so courageous as Hermes? Huh?!

Rebecca:
I'm sorry, honey.

D.J.:
We didn't realize the name meant so much to you.

Jesse:
Good.

Michelle:
Did you want me to call you Uncle Hermes?

Jesse:
[scoffs] No. What am I? Some kinda geek?

Danny:
[to DJ] Did you hear Eddie laughing at the dog show today? He just told you today was the best day he's had in a long time. You know, Deej, you can do a lot for a person just by being with them and caring about them.

Eddie:
We gotta start taking field trips to this house! In one afternoon, I saw a dog show, a forest ranger and a pregnant man!

Nurse:
Eddie. You need a nap.

Jesse:
Come on, Danny, the kid's got a dream. Let her go for it. Heck, if I was that focused on my music in the 70's, who knows what would have happened.

Joey:
Yeah. Maybe that would have been you dancing in the "Macho Man" commercials with that headdress.

Michelle:
Is it almost time for my party?

Becky:
You've got two and a half hours still.

Michelle:
How long is that?

Jesse:
Two "Sesame Streets" and a "Mister Rogers".

Michelle:
I'll never make it.

Danny:
Michelle, you have to know no matter how old you get, you're always gonna be my little princess. Just like Stephanie's always gonna be my little lady bug. And D.J.'s always gonna be my little tennis ball head.

D.J.:
Anybody wanna trade?

Michelle:
Is there something you'd like to say to me?

Jesse:
Michelle, we said Happy Birthday to you at breakfast and everywhere else we say you today.

Michelle:
But I'm 5 years old. This is a very big day.

Jesse and Rebecca:
Happy Birthday, Michelle.

Michelle:
Don't say it if you don't mean it.

Jesse and Rebecca:
Happy Birthday, Michelle!

Michelle:
Why, thank you.

Michelle:
This is Comet, my pet stegosaurus.

Teddy:
That's not a stegosaurus! That's a Golden Retriever.

Michelle:
You got a bad attitude.

Rebecca:
Danny, what is this?

Danny:
Becky, it's your own camera crew. You know Mark and Eppy.

Rebecca:
I know who they are. What are they doing in my room?

Danny:
Don't you remember when you first announced you were pregnant on Wake Up, San Francisco? You promised all of our viewers that we'd get to see the whole thing on tape.

Rebecca:
Yeah. Well, that's when I was thin, my hair was done, and I wasn't sweating.

Danny:
That's not sweat. That's a mother's glow.

Rebecca:
Oh, honey. I'm so glad you made it on time.

Jesse:
In time for what?

Rebecca:
The birth of our babies.

Jesse:
Oh, that's right. You're having my baby. [sings] What a lovely way of saying how much you love me!

Rebecca:
Jess, just hold my hand.

Jesse:
Won't your husband Donny be jealous?

Rebecca:
Jess, you're my husband.

Jesse:
I got a wife and a baby in the same day. Radical!

Danny:
Wake up San Francisco. Hi I'm Danny Tanner and temporarily filling in for my co-host, Rebecca "Hurry back soon" Donaldson. Is Vicky Larson.

Vicky:
Actually it's "Vicky I'm going to be here for four weeks, so get used to it" Larson.

Jesse:
Everybody, we have to be a little sensitive to Becky's feelings. The doctor said she's gonna be a little emotional over the next few days.

Rebecca:
It's not my fault. The doctor said it's very common for new mothers to have mood swings. [pauses] Why are you all staring at me?

Danny:
Because you were just talking to us.

Rebecca:
Oh, well, thank you for listening.

Danny:
Was that a mood swing?

Jesse:
6.2.

Jesse:
[to Nicky and Alex] You're gonna have the perfect lives, because I'm gonna be the perfect dad. I mean, my dad was great and all, but he made a few mistakes. Like, he always used to bug me about my long hair. But let me tell you something, that's not gonna happen to you guys. You know why? Because you're bald.

Michelle:
My daddy's always leaving me.

Teddy:
How come?

Michelle:
'Cause he's "spatula" of the month.

Teddy:
If you say so.

Danny:
Michelle, why did you do this?

Michelle:
'Cause I never see you anymore.

Teddy:
Is that because you're the "spatula" of the month?

Danny:
Eat your dessert, Teddy.

Danny:
I'm sorry this romantic date didn't turn out quite as I had planned.

Vicky:
Actually, it was fun. I hope you don't mind if I tell the viewers on Monday that you're a terrific dad.

Rebecca:
We're only gonna be gone 2-3 hours.

Jesse:
That's what Gilligan said.

Danny:
Michelle, why would somebody call you a baby?

Michelle:
Cause I still need training wheels.

Danny:
Oh honey, that's alright. Kids take off their training wheels at all different ages. I was even a little older then you.

Joey:
Danny, you still had training wheels when you had your paper route.

Jesse:
Hi, Aunt Ida. Beautiful new do.

Aunt Ida:
I was in the neighborhood. Turn your hat around. You look like a hoodlum.

Manager:
[to Stephanie and Michelle] Now, why in the world would Kimmy Gibbler tell you you're the 1,000,000th customer? We've only been open a week.

Stephanie:
Well, sir, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you've hired a nutcase.

D.J.:
Okay, we're going to the movies. Put on your coats and act adorable.

Michelle:
I cannot leave this house. Dad said.

D.J.:
Well, Dad's not here. I'm in charge. That makes me Dad.

Stephanie:
Until the real Dad comes back and makes you grounded.

[After DJ, Stephanie and Michelle are grounded]

Michelle:
Does this mean no "Little Sea Lion"?

D.J.:
No "Little Sea Lion."

Michelle:
That's the second time I missed them today.

Rebecca:
[about the twins] What if they do something cute? What if they learn to talk?

Jesse:
I'll have them call you.

Stephanie:
Oh, no! I got mustard all over D.J.'s sweater!

Michelle:
She's gonna have a cow.

Stephanie:
Tell me something I don't know.

Michelle:
Yesterday, I dropped your toothbrush in the toilet.

Rebecca:
Jess, I make more than enough money to support this family.

Jesse:
Yeah? Thanks for reminding me.

Rebecca:
What, you have a problem with me making a decent living?

Jesse:
No, I have a problem with me not making a decent living.

Rebecca:
Oh, I get it. This is all about you and your macho pride.

Jesse:
What pride? I don't have any pride! I'm gonna go get some pride. Say good-bye to "Mr. Donaldson!" [leaves the house]

Danny:
Am I the raddest, baddest dad a kid ever had?

DJ:
You were until you said that.

Kimmy:
Where's Tommy Page? Tell him his love slave is ready to fulfill his every wish.

Danny:
D.J., why did you tell Kimmy?

D.J.:
Because I tell Kimmy everything.

Danny:
Okay, then tell her to go home.

D.J.:
You know what I just realized? I am sitting here talking to my little sister about boys and relationships. Steph, you're really growing up.

Stephanie:
I must be, because ever since I turned 10, life got so complicated.

Davey:
Stephanie, I'm sorry. I gotta go home for dinner.

Stephanie:
Hey, if you quit, you forfeit, Chu-meister. Dad, next word, please.

Danny:
This is gonna be the last word. "Sarsaparilla".

Stephanie:
Sarsaparilla. S-A-S-P-A-R-I-L-L-A. Sarsaparilla.

Danny:
I'm sorry, Steph.

Stephanie:
Why?

Davey:
Because it's: Sarsaparilla. S-A-R-S-A-P-A-R-I-L-L-A. Sarsaparilla.

Danny:
(looks it up) Man, that's right. You really are the human dictionary.

Stephanie:
Now, there's a silent "R"? I hate this language!

[Danny teaches Michelle to read using his own method]

Danny:
"A" is for Ajax, "B" is for Brillo, "C" is for Clorox, "D" is for Drano.

Michelle:
There's a monkey at the door!

Danny:
That must be my sister.

Michelle:
Your sister is a monkey?

Joey:
Ginger, get back here!

Danny:
Joey, get back here! [sees the table filled with food] Girls, what are you doing?

Stephanie:
Trying to keep the curse from falling on this house.

Danny:
Well, keep trying. It's not working.

Stephanie:
Kimmy, you're so dumb you don't even know how dumb you are.

Kimmy:
You're the one who's dumb. Capital D-U-M!

D.J.:
Kimmy, there's a "B".

Kimmy:
Where?!

[After Danny finds out that Michelle ran away to Teddy's house]

Jesse:
What?

Rebecca:
What? Why would she do that?

Jesse:
Well, she was mad at me. She called me Uncle Tattletale.

Danny:
Well, I'm gonna seek to her she never runs away again.

Rebecca:
What are you gonna do?

Danny:
First, I'm gonna hug her, then I'm gonna kiss her, then I'm gonna ground her for life.

Teddy's Dad:
Does your dad know you're here?

Michelle:
No. When you run away, you don't tell.

Teddy's Mom:
Why did you run away, sweetheart?

Michelle:
[referring to Jesse] To teach Uncle Tattletale a lesson!

Teddy's Sister:
She's really cute. Can we keep her?

Michelle:
I'm a fun girl!

Teddy's Dad:
Well, until we get this straightened out, you're welcome to stay here.

Michelle:
Thanks, New Dad!

Jesse:
It's just a car....uhhh [gets upset]

D.J.:
Dad, I have to learn to drive with music, like a normal person.

Danny:
I don't want you driving like a normal person. I want you driving like me.

Jesse:
[about the twins] Come on, Becky, don't you think you're babying them a little bit?

Rebecca:
Well, Jess, they are babies.

Joey:
Grab your Brillo and your broom.

Everyone:
Grab your Brillo and your broom.

Joey:
Danny is a Looney Toon.

Everyone:
Danny is a Looney Toon.

Kimmy:
What's wrong with you people? How can you get this house any cleaner? It's already the cleanest house in America.

Danny:
How did I get so messed up? Guess it goes back to my mom. On my fifth birthday, she gave me my own set of vacuum cleaner attachments. She used to call me her special helper. Oh, my God. That's exactly what I'm doing to Michelle. She's probably gonna grow up and write one of those tell-all books, "Daddy Cleanest". I gotta make some changes in my life.

Danny:
Jesse, what's your take on this Pete guy?

Jesse:
He's a good kid.

Danny:
Good. D.J. just went out with him.

Jesse:
What? You let her go out with that animal?

Danny:
You just said he was a good kid.

Jesse:
He's in a band. All he thinks about is girls. He's exactly like I was when I was seventeen.

Danny:
Oh, my God.

Danny:
D.J., you can't keep giving us the silent treatment.

D.J.:
Okay, you wanna talk? Fine. I am totally humiliated! When this gets out at school, I'll never be asked out again! But that's what you wanted, isn't it? [storms upstairs]

Jesse:
I think we were doing better with the silent treatment.

Aaron:
Let's play superhero.

Teddy:
I'll be Batman!

Aaron:
I'll be Superman!

Michelle:
I'll be the Little Mermaid.

Aaron:
That's not a superhero. That's a fish.

Rebecca:
How about if Michelle is Wonder Woman?

Aaron:
That's impossible. She doesn't have black hair.

Rebecca:
What was I thinking?

Teddy:
You can be Superman's mother.

Michelle:
What does Superman's mother do?

Teddy:
She lays out Superman's pajamas.

Danny:
[to Michelle] You are one terrific person. You're funny, you're sweet, you're kind...

Michelle:
Keep going.

Danny:
I could go on for hours.

Michelle:
You always do!

[Mike Love and Bruce Johnston of The Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying]

Jesse:
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!

Mike:
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!

Jesse:
Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh... (aside to Becky, annoyed) Thanks for the warning.

Rebecca:
Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dyeing your hair. Why are you dyeing your hair?

Jesse:
Because I'm worth it.

Kimmy:
Please, Deej. I can't conjugate any more Spanish. It's after midnight. Can't we go to sleep?

D.J.:
En Espanol.

Kimmy:
El sleepo, beggo, pleaso.

Rebecca:
Oh, Steph, you can't hang out in here. Uncle Jesse's gonna get his first dance lesson.

Stephanie:
I know. I got a front row seat.