Gavin & Stacey, Series 1

Bryn:
The truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.

Nessa:
Six quid for two slices of pizza. They takes the piss, these Cockneys.

Smithy (talking about Nessa):
This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Gavin:
What's wrong with her?

Smithy:
A, how old is it? B, have you seen the tattoo? And three, look at the size of it!

[Stacey and Nessa return from the bathroom]

Gavin:
Been powdering your nose?

Nessa:
Oh thanks Stace, thanks a lot. Look, let's get one thing straight. I dont touch that shit no more, alright? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it!

[Nessa and Stacey leave]

Smithy:
And to top it all off, she's a drug addict.

Smithy (to Gavin about Nessa):
You got any johnnies? I ain't going in there bareback.

Smithy:
I'm so ravenous I can barely see.

Pamela:
You wanna Pammy's full English?

Smithy:
You read my mind.

Smithy (drunk doing the pub quiz):
Question 30 is, erm... Oh, is, erm... Is erm... Oh! I know the answer. Kriss Akabusi.

Mick:
Unbelievable.

Pam (to Gavin and Stacey):
Just to say, your Dad's out for the count and I'll put me ear plugs in. So let yourselves go. Don't worry about a thing. Night.

[Pete Sutcliffe notices his wife, Dawn, staring as Gavin kisses Stacey at the bar]

Pete:
Stop gawping at them, woman!

Dawn:
Oh, excuse me if I've forgotten what romance looks like, you pathetic lump of shit!

[Stacey has a nasty pimple on her face, and Pam has taken her to the bathroom to sort it out]

Pam:
Okay, darling, this isn't gonna hurt a bit...

[Short pause]

Stacey:
OW!

Stacey:
I need your advice, I do.

Nessa:
Go for it.

Stacey:
Should I tell Gav about the other engagements? Or should I just leave it? Thing is, things are going so lush and if I tell him I might just wreck everything. And it's not that big a deal is it?

Nessa:
That depends. This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband, Clive. I was faced with a dilemma, whether to lie, or not to lie. And I chose to tell the truth.

Stacey:
And what happened?

Nessa:
He died. Firing squad. Terrible way to go Stace and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you. Smugglers we were. If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott I'd still be in that jail right now. So yeah, in answer to your question, I'd say no, don't tell him.

Nessa:
I don't know you from Adam. And he's been barred twice.

Pam:
D'you know I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.

Nessa:
Why.

Pam:
'Cause I don't speak the lingo darling!

Nessa:
No in Welsh, Pam means why... or brick.

Pam (holding shopping bags):
Oh, by the way, this food isn't food food. Oh, God, no. Everyones catered for. Catered for everyone well in advance, no. It's just that this morning, before you arrived, I became a vegetarian. Yeah, veggie, so that's what this is. Out of interest, any one of you vegetarians? I mean, not that it makes any difference to me either way. I mean, we're all adults.

Mick:
Pam!

Pam:
But, I would ask you to respect my views. And all the little animals who've been needlessly murdered in the name of Western Civilised greed.

[After Nessa and Smithy both take the same plate]

Smithy:
No, you're alright, take it.

Nessa:
No, you take it.

Smithy:
I don't want it. It's fine.

Nessa:
But you like taking it.

Smithy:
Right. That's out of order. I've got a girlfriend that this family know so...

Nessa:
Oh, get a life, Smithy.

Mick:
Do you drive Nessa?

Nessa:
I don't Mick, which is a shame, cos I loves a good ride.

Pam (to Gwen):
Oh, give it a rest, you leek-munching sheep-shagger!

Stacey:
You are coming to this wedding fair, aren't you?

Bryn:
I can't wait. I was so excited last night, I couldn't get to sleep till half-past ten!

[In the car playing 'Cruise, Marry, Shag']

Mick:
Say it!

Smithy:
Go on!

Gavin:
Alright, alright, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler wouldn't I? Can we stop now?

Pam:
Do you know, I said to Mick, if we had another son, I'd have loved him to be a homosexual. You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.

Gwen:
Jason's good as gold like that. I miss him terribly, I do. Lights up a room.

Pam:
Aaw! Like a little Will Young.

[Trying on a wedding dress]

Stacey:
I know it's white, right. But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days?

Magician:
I can saw the bride in half. I can saw the groom in half. I can saw the best man in half.

Bryn:
Can you saw me in half?

Magician:
What relationship are you to the bride or groom?

Bryn:
Bride's uncle.

Magician:
No.

Bryn:
But, hang on! Her father, my brother, he's dead! See?

Magician:
Oh right. Yeah, well, that does change things.

Pam:
You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat!

Mick:
How?

Pam:
Put it in your pocket.

Mick:
Chilli con carne in my pocket? Are you insane?

[When Gavin's phone starts ringing]

Gavin:
Oh, it's Gareth Gates. I'll take it outside. He'll be ages.

Nessa:
Oh! Stace. Don't get me wrong, but to be honest, at the end of the day, when all said and done...d'you know what I mean?

Everyone:
Yeah.

Nessa:
Simple as.

Bryn:
On HTV Wales this morning, they said Cardiff town had been literally decimated by a group of unruly school girls. Joking I am! It wasn't on the news. Although, on the news, there was a story about a group of school girls who actually stabbed a teacher, which I think is disgusting.

Smithy:
I can't eat this.

Fingers:
I know, it's nasty in it.

Smithy:
No, it's beautiful, it's just I can't believe it.

Gavin:
What?

Smithy:
Shut up.

Gavin:
Eh?!

Smithy:
How dare you, pathetic.

Chinese Alan:
Smithy!

Budgie:
Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.

Gavin:
What's wrong?

Smithy:
I've had enough. You've gone, you're someone else's.

Dirtbox:
Ignore him, he's pissed!

Smithy:
Best man. Best mates since we was four. And now it's over!

Gavin:
You're just drunk, we'll always be mates, you know that.

Smithy:
My dad ain't seen his best man for 7 years. When him and my mum got divorced, he sent an e-mail. Degrading. He ain't been round our house since 1991.

Dirtbox:
Who, your uncle Keith?

Smithy:
That's the one.

Jesus:
But he emigrated to Canada...

Smithy:
Look who's opened his mouth. You're always first with the advice aren't you Jesus? You know what? No-one even wanted you here tonight, I had to make that t-shirt last minute!

Everyone:
*That's not true!*

Smithy:
It is true! I can't stand ya! And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, he can shove it up his arse.

Jesus:
What've I done?

Smithy:
I'm going home. I made a fool of myself.

Gavin:
Smithy, come on.

Smithy:
Shut up.

[Smithy picks up kebab]:

Gavin:
What you doing with that?

Smithy:
I'll have it tomorrow.

[Smithy leaves with kebab]:

Dirtbox:
Nice one Jesus!

Jesus:
What did I do?!

Dirtbox:
Shut up!

Jesus:
What did I do?!

Dirtbox:
Shut up!

Jesus:
He's clearly in a mood!

Dirtbox:
Shut up! Tit.

Bryn (to Gavin):
I am picking you up at seven. We're going straight down the Dolphin for a right good knees-up. Me cockney sparr-ah!

Gavin (Talking about Jason):
If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him.

Smithy:
Yeah, me too.

Gavin:
You? Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight.

Smithy:
Why?

Gavin:
Well, fat gays are like outcasts.

Smithy:
No, they're not.

Gavin:
Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael. Who's not in their gang? Russel Grant.

Smithy:
Russel Grant's not gay.

Gavin:
He is fat though.

Mick:
You got those maps?

Smithy:
Shit!

Mick:
Oh, you're kidding me!

Smithy:
I left them at Lucy's. She was colouring them in. I can't believe this!

Nessa:
How it's going, all right?

Smithy:
Ok, I'm glad you brought it up. Cos, I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...

Nessa:
Where to's she now then?

Smithy:
What?

Nessa:
Where to's she now?

Smithy:
Right, either speak English or learn Welsh. Cos that 'Where to's she...?' Do you mean where is she now?

Nessa:
Yeah.

Smithy:
Say that, then.

Nessa:
Where is she now?

Smithy:
Sixth-formers' netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it. She's wing attack.

Doris:
Mr and Mrs Shipman? That's bad luck by anyones standards.

Griff:
What now?

Doris:
Well she lives for the day she change her name from West, what with all the connotations and what have you, and what does she become? A Shipman.

Griff:
Ah, that's very unfortunate. I don't know which is worse.

Doris:
Surely Shipman?

Griff:
Well, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.

Doris:
It was more than half a dozen, Griff. It was in the hundreds.

Bryn (messing with his new digital camera):
I've got night mode. Black and white. Use that later, probably, for effect. Er... Sepia, see-pia. I don't know how you say it. Got a feeling it's faulty. Just makes everything go brown.

Nessa (talking about Smithy):
I just can't believe this, Stace. Of all the people I've slept with, it's him that gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.