Goodness Gracious Me, Series Three

Woman:
If you were an animal, what sort of animal would you be?

Man:
Er, I'd be a tiger. Rrrr!

Woman:
What about me?

Man:
Ah, you'd be a bird of paradise.

Woman:
Aww. Why's that?

Man:
'Cos you've got a hooky nose like a beak, and your voice is all screechy: "Aar! Aar!" And you've got feathery stuff on your lip, and then your feet are like this [makes claw shapes with hands], and then you've got a wobbly fat arse and…[notices his date has gone] cheque, please!

Man:
I'd really, really love it if you'd come back to my place.

Woman:
And what's the magic word?

Man:
Twenty quid! [she gets up to leave] Thirty? Forty? Forty-f…cheque, please!

Man:
I know it's really old-fashioned, but I think it's really important to get to know a girl's family and that when you're starting a relationship.

Woman:
Aww, that's so sweet!

Man:
Yeah. That's why I'm sleeping with your sister, innit!

Woman:
So, what's your idea of the perfect date?

Man:
Ah. Imagine walking hand-in-hand down a deserted tropical beach. The sun is setting in the horizon, and as we sit on the warm sand we let the waves lap over our bare feet.

Woman:
Wow! I can almost feel it.

Man:
Eh? Well, you're not there, innit!

Man:
I just wanna say those three little words: you're too fat!

Guru:
Meditation, meditation. Everybody go: om…om…football's coming om…

Guru:
You see, it is very important for your soul to be clean, for your spirit to be pure, for your chakras to be whiter than white with a meadowy freshness. Use Omo; it's biological! [smells his sleeve] Heavenly! Also Ashram toothpaste: it's transcen-dental! [ting] And finally, Reincarnation pour l'Homme. [sprays a few puffs] "Mmm. I'll be back!" All these products are available on my website: www.gurumaharishi.yogi.om.

St John:
Haven't you read your King James Bible?

Dennis:
Of course, of course. Nearly finished it, but don't tell me what happens in the end!

Vicar:
Hello, there.

Dennis:
Hello, my old chappie. Dennis Cooper. Table for four, please!

Charlotte:
Yes, please. Not too near the band.

Vicar:
Blood of Christ.

St John:
No, no, no. I'm driving.

Charlotte:
Haven't you got any vol-au-vents?

Vicar:
This is not an hors d'œuvre; this is the body of Christ.

Charlotte:
Er, I think I'll wait for the main course then, thanks!

Vanessa:
So, what are you fellows up to?

Dennis:
I'm waiting for my mamaji and papaji…oh, tuhadi!

Charlotte:
He means his mater and pater.

Dennis:
Of course. Maker, paper.

Vanessa:
Well, I must say I'm very surprised to see people like you in the pub.

Charlotte:
What do you mean by "people like us"?

Vanessa:
Well, it is a peculiarly British habit, is it not?

Charlotte:
Yes, and we are peculiarly British.

Dennis:
Uh-huh. We're as peculiar as they come.

Charlotte:
I choose Britannia when I fly.

Vanessa:
Puppies and the Queen Mum make me cry.

St John:
I'm upper class 'cos I'm rich and fair.

Dennis:
And I wear ladies' underwear!

Son:
No, Dad, not the Mona Lisa! She was an Italian noblewoman from the sixteenth century.

Father:
Son, this is Mina Losa, a Gujarati washerwoman from Bhavnagar!

Son:
Why would Leonardo da Vinci go all the way to Bhavnagar to paint someone?

Father:
Because it's quite near where he lived.

Son:
Florence?

Father:
Faridabad!

Father:
Twelve men sitting around a table for dinner. Where are the women? They're in the kitchen!

Father:
You've seen his portraits: a nose here, an ear there. Go to Delhi and look at the beggars; they look exactly the same!

Father:
He is as Indian as they come. He works for His Father – Indian. Parents have children without having sex – Indian. Fed five thousand people with two loaves and five fishes – Indian picnic!

Father:
Moses: the people came unto him with their suffering. He went up the mountain, and came back with two tablets, because he was a pharmacist! Noah: came from a land where it rained for forty days and forty nights – he was Bengali! Walls of Jericho: walk around it seven times, blow a trumpet, the whole thing falls down – Indian builders. And that other fellow, Samson. Huh, big strong man, long hair. Cut his hair, nigh as weak as a child, because he was sikh!

Father:
In six days, He created the Heaven and the Earth and everything upon it, and on the seventh day He rested. What kind of Indian doesn't work Sundays?!

Father:
And was Jerusalem builded here, on Jalandhar's brown, unpleasant land?

Why are we meeting in the pub, man?

'Cos this is it, man. We're finally fifteen:
the age at which you're legally tall enough to order your first underage drink, innit!

Fierce, man!

Well, go on, then.

Er, I'll have a lemonade, man!

Telephone operator:
Our regulations state that all our firefighters must wear a helmet, for their own protection.

Malkit:
This is a black thing, innit?!

Operator:
What?

Malkit:
Turbans were good enough for my forefathers, to protect their countrymen from the marauding Moguls. Why aren't they good enough for firemen, eh?

Operator:
Because they're flammable!

Malkit:
Well, if you think that I'm gonna help you discriminate against my Sikh brothers, then you are sorely mistaken. Sat Sri Akaal! [hangs up, notices smoke creeping under bedroom door, and dials again] Hello? Yeah, I'd like the Punjabi ambulance service, please!

Woman:
My parents are gonna be devastated! I mean, how could you do this to them?

Man:
I know, I know, and I love your Mum and Dad. I mean, they went perfectly with my Rajasthani coffee table.

Ginger:
What about…? [nods towards Asian soldiers]

Captain:
That's a good point, Ginger. Now listen: you chaps will have to be from East Germany. Very East Germany.

Gestapo official:
Wohin fahren Sie?

British Asian soldier:
Stuttgart.

Official:
Danke. [as soldier boards the bus] Good luck!

Soldier:
Shukriya. [realises, then runs]

The Sikhs take days off for Guru Nanak's birthday, Guru Gobind Singh's birthday – fair enough. But Guru Guru Barney McGuru Cuthbert Dibble Grub's birthday is going too far! You Hindus:
how many gods do you have? Krishna, Lakshmi I've heard of, but Bunty? Apache? Which gods are these? The Muslims have put down Eid, twice, and somebody has put down "Christmas Eid" and taken a day off! Ramadan, yes; Rama Lama Ding Dong, no! And you Jews: Yom Kippur, yes; Yam Halibut – what, are you taking the piss?!

If standards do not improve, and soon, you will end up like all the other failed terrorists:
as traffic wardens!

Well, all except one:
God