Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Season 1

Dr. Quest:
Well, I've got a rather serious problem. You see my longtime partner is challenging me for custody of my boys.

Harvey:
How long has she-

Dr. Quest:
He

[Avenger and Harvey freeze, and their eyes widen.]

Dr. Benton Quest:
He's my traveling companion. We go on adventures together in steamy jungles and the like.

Debbie:
[on intercom] That was the ornithologist. The results were negative.

Harvey:
Thank you.

Judge Mightor:
Order... order in the court room. Uhhhh lord I have had enough of you two! Now Mr. Birdbath... beanbag whatever your name is. SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR HOLE! Now Mr. Vulture... Vulture? Vulturo... opening arguments.

Mightor:
State your first name, your last name, and your occupation.

Lizardman:
Lizardman, Lizardman, and Lizardman.

Harvey Birdman:
Dr. Quest, tell us a little about your relationship with...

Dr. Benton Quest:
Well, Race and I met one night...

Harvey Birdman:
[gritted teeth] With your boys!

Harvey Birdman:
I want you to know that your father loves you both very much.

Jonny Quest:
But he throws like a girl.

Harvey Birdman:
So did Martina Navratilova, but that doesn't mean she wasn't macho in many other important ways.

Mightor:
BOOTYLICIOUS!

Harvey:
Yes your Honor?

Mightor:
Your Witness...

Dr. Quest:
Since I know he'll never do it himself, I'm gonna step right up and toot Mr. Birdman's horn.

[Harvey backs up, uncomfortable]

Dr. Quest:
Way to go, Harvey.

[Bandit barks, and is picked up by a swooping Avenger]

Dr. Quest:
You too Bandit

[Everybody laughs. Dr. Quest pats Harvey's butt and he stops.]

Harvey Birdman:
Avenger, call Doctor Quest.

Avenger:
CAW!

[Apache Chief walks into a Javalux, out of view of the audience]

Apache Chief:
Coffee please

Javalux Employee:
All right. That'll be $1.87. [pause] Sorry, Chief. No credit cards. It seems some idiot ripped our telephone pole out of the ground.

Apache Chief:
Oh, I... I think I have change.

[coffee spills]

Apache Chief:
Ah! My lap!

Apache Chief:
Well I saved the town the other day.. and anyway, I saved the town. And anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a.. a coffee would be nice." But I spilled it on my... lap

Harvey:
Uh-huh.

Apache Chief:
And, wow, it was hot... on my lap.

Harvey:
I'll bet.

Apache Chief:
Hotness. Crotch. Ouch.

Harvey:
Yeah, I... ohhhh! Are you trying to say...?

Apache Chief:
I... can no longer... enlarge.

Harvey:
Ugh!

[crosses his legs and winces a few moments]

Harvey:
Ugh! Let's all go to the mountains! Oh! [composes himself] I'll take the case!... Not even first thing in the morning? You know... little neeneeneeneeneey?

Harvey:
When I say the word "superhero", what names come to mind? Wonder Woman. Aquaman. Superman. Birdman. These are names...

Juror:
Uh, excuse me, I don't think of Birdman.

Harvey:
Not my point...

Reducto:
Back off! I've got a shrink gun. Who touched my ankle? Gun! Do you think I dont see? You dont think I feel your eyes like grubby little fingers, little children's fingers on my body? Back off! I will make you teensy.

[Reducto's opening statement]

Reducto:
What kind of stinking superhero loses his powers to a cup of coffee in the crotch? That's all I have.

Harvey:
Mr Vulcan, tell us about your superpower.

Black Vulcan:
Pure electricity... in my pants.

Harvey:
Tell us, what would life be like without your powers?

Black Vulcan:
Well, you know when the power goes out in your house? It would be like that... but in your pants.

Harvey:
You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?

Zan:
Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.

Harvey:
Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?

Zan:
Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.

Harvey:
How do you happen to know this?

Zan:
I was... I, I was the bathwater.

[flashback]

Zan:
[his face visible in the water as Wonder Woman washes her leg] Form of a washrag!

Reducto:
Do you want to be shrunk? No one wants to be shrunk, that's the point! It's a shrink gun! Back off!

Harvey:
Yeah, I think this whole thing would go away if he somehow felt appreciated.

Reducto:
[paranoid music plays] Hmm, I'm scheming. This is my scheming face. First I raise this eyebrow, and then... BACK OFF!

[Apache Chief grows and fills the courtroom]

Mightor:
[smiling] Chief got his teepee back. Case dismissed.

[Music, laughter]

Shaggy:
[to Scooby] Will you be cool?

Officer:
Turn the music off, please.

Shaggy:
Sure thing officer.

Officer:
Where you headed tonight?

Shaggy:
Like there's this green monster, officer, sneaking around at the old cotton mill, we're headed out there to meet the gang and, like, try to catch it. [Laughs]

Officer:
A green monster?

Shaggy:
[Laughs] Yeah! A real fattie man.

Officer:
Uh, you were driving a little erratic back there.

Scooby:
[Shaggy laughing] reah, rokay.

Officer:
Just step out of the van please.

Shaggy:
Punch it! [starts driving away, officer starts shooting]

[A candidate for the clerk position enters Harvey's office]

Harvey:
Take a seat.

Peanut:
Is that your bird? Can I touch it? [whispering] Does it bite?

Harvey:
How 'bout we start with your name?

Peanut:
Peanut

Harvey:
Uh-huh So your last job was at, um, I don't see anything listed

Peanut:
Um, I used to work at a baltimization plant

Harvey:
Baltimization?

Peanut:
Oh, yeah. You see, the Japanese claim it increases sexual potency tenfold. They call it "paw-paw-paw-zaaaaah".

Harvey:
Really?

Peanut:
Mmm. You know

Harvey:
Mm.. Mhmmm... [writes it down] Well, you quit that job?

Peanut:
Actually, I believe I was fired from that job

Harvey:
Oh?

Peanut:
Well, there was the murder of a supervisor. Nothing proven. I just thought it was better to move on.

Harvey:
So consider that your first lesson in lawyering, clerk. [Peanut stares at him blankly] The job. It's yours. Congratulations

Peanut:
Well gosh, that's great. Do I get a gun?

Harvey:
Sure!

Fred:
We've got a bit of a problem, the gang and I.

Harvey:
[to Peanut] Gang stuff. Listen up. What happened?

Fred:
Last night, we were at this old abandoned cotton mill, and-

Harvey:
I know. One of your homies took one in the bo-bo.

Fred:
No. Actually, Shaggy and Scooby were arrested. It was awful.

Harvey:
Now you see why banging doesn't pay? I'll take the case! But first [Grabs hold of Fred's ascot] you're gonna have to lose the colors.

Velma:
I know the way it looks, Mr. Birdman, but that's just the way they are.

Daphne:
They always act that way

Peanut:
[to Daphne] Oooh. Sprechen ze sexy.

Harvey:
You mean those boys weren't...

Guard:
[to someone offscreen] Hi!

Fred:
Nope, they're just stupid.

[Spyro performing a medieval reenactment of Shaggy and Scooby getting pulled over]

Actor 1:
Good eve sirs. Knowest thou why I've asked thee to tarry?

Actor 2:
My leave sir no. Hath we some wrong... done?

Actor 1:
Step out of thy wagon!

Actor 3:
Shaggy, take flight! Its the devilish apparition!

[Horse rears, and then farts, ending the scene. Audience applauses with a baroque piece playing in the background]

Harvey:
There are two lives that depend on me giving the performance of my life in court tomorrow.

Bartender:
Scotch?

Harvey:
Hell, yeah! Let's get stinko!

Phil:
: Defend the bear, Birdman. And don't forget, I'll be keeping my eyes on you.

Harvey:
Eye.

Phil:
: I didn't know you were Scottish!

Harvey:
[sitting at desk] Peanut. Give me a psych profile on Boo Boo Bear. [presses button on intercom] Debbie, we're gonna need some law books, with pictures this time. [turns to Avenger] Avenger, start taking depositions. [stands up in a dramatic stance] All right, lets go people

[Avenger and Peanut stare at him blankly]

Harvey:
Everyone turn around. [turns around and begins breathing into a paper bag] I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place. I'm going to my calm place.

Reducto:
: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. This... animal, here, this ursine fellow - UNCLEAN! - He rejected society and retreated to a cave in the woods to plot his vile, [points his shrink-ray at the jurors] NOD! Nod at what I am saying or I will shoot!

Reducto:
: Please tell the court what you're holding.

Dr. Quincy:
: It's the Cookie Bouqueter's Manifesto.

Reducto:
: Did you find anything, unusual about it?

[creepy music plays as the camera closes in on Reducto's face]

Reducto:
: Aside from the fact that it's filled with... paranoid delusions?

Harvey:
So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government.

Reducto:
That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.

Harvey:
What?

Reducto:
I'm not prosecuting

Harvey:
Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?

Reducto:
Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.

Harvey:
Hm. The jukebox?

Reducto:
No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.

[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]

Harvey:
Myron, Myron!

Reducto:
The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency

[The bartender walks over]

Reducto:
[Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!

Harvey:
One currency? [laughs]

Bartender:
Your tab.

Harvey:
Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Harvey:
Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Boo Boo:
Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.

Harvey:
A cute, fuzzy little bear. [smiles at jury] The defense rests.

Manager:
Oi. [subtitle:They stole our song.]

Harvey:
Hmmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.

Phil:
Now close your eyes and fall back.

Harvey:
When I was in junior high school, we did a trust fall at a ropes course and dropped the first girl

Phil:
That's it. Let me cradle you.

Harvey:
She landed flat on her back

Phil:
Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Harvey:
And then everyone started laughing because she was fat.

Phil:
Fall you bastard!

Peanut:
Yo, Bird. Shoyu Weenie.

Harvey:
You know them?

Peanut:
Sure. [sings] "Banaaanas. Ice creaamy. Veg-e-ta-ble. Steam steeaaamy!"

Band member:
[speaks Japanese] [subtitle: Do you think we have a chance?]

Harvey:
[nods] Hakujin. [subtitle: White Guy]

Band Member:
[in japanese] I'm hungry.

Harvey:
Aren't you cute. Here's a football. An American football.

[Hands the band member a football with "Made In China" on the side]

Harvey:
So, you are a musical group correct?

Neptunes:
Sure!

Jabberjaw:
... Nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Mentok:
Oh for God's sakes...you, the shark. No more from you today, okay?

Harvey:
Who writes your music?

Neptunes member:
Someone with something yummy in his tummy?

Mentok:
[to steinographer] Those guys over there, they're gonna lose this one. Pretty sure of it. No, I know it.

Harvey:
And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.

Neptunes member:
Uh, we don't know.

Harvey:
Nothing further.

Harvey:
All's fair in love and bouncey-bouncey!

Reducto:
I missed you last night. At the bar. Where you said you were going to meet me. THAT bar. [starts jumping as if he's grossed out] I touched a public phone to call you. AND YOU WEREN'T THERE!!

Mentok:
We don't borrow, we don't read, we don't rent, we don't lease, we take the minds. So, in conclusion, we are...?

Bailiff:
[deadpan] Takers?

Mentok:
Yes. [musses up the bailiff's hair] Who's the smartest boy in the court today? Who's the smartest boy in the court?

Bailiff:
[deadpan] Me?

Mentok:
[throws a dog treat in front of him]

[to Gail Melody]

Mentok:
Listen, I already know...

[Mentok's theme music starts up]

Mentok:
BECAUSE I KNOW EVERYTHING! I'M MENTOK, THE MI--

[music abruptly runs down]

Mentok:
...that you're not doing anything tonight, but... What are you doing tonight?

Harvey & Reducto:
OBJECTION!

Phil Ken Sebben:
Do you know what this means to the firm?! The billable hours?! I can finally build that lake house, and I'll run around naked all day. Ha ha... dangly parts.

Mentok:
Sorry I'm late all but I just got the phone call to come over... I mean, I was just summoned by the spheres! [Imitates Theremin] anyway they said go to 101, we can't find the other guy. When your Broca's a broka? My god, man, get a writer!

[a bird with a strangely shaped beak testifies against Fred Flintstone]

Can Opener:
The guy's a pig; a Neanderthal.

Fred:
You're dead to me, can opener!

Evelyn Spyro Throckmorton:
[Spoken word parody of Flinstones' theme song] Flinstones. Meet, the Flinstones. They're the mobbish, stone-age family. From the, villa, of Bedrock, they're a page right out of Godfather III. When we, try, Fred Flinstone, yes he's gonna do hard time, oh yeah, he'll do time, a lot of jaaaaiiil time.

Harvey Birdman:
Who are you

Fred Flintstone:
I told ya I'm Frond Fernstone, Botanist and....

[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]

Harvey Birdman:
Who are you?

Fred Flintstone:
Bird Flintmock, rodeo rider....

[Peanut hits Fred with a large mallet]

Fred Flintstone:
I'm Anne Heche.

[Peanut hits Fred with twice a large mallet]

Fred Flintstone:
Wilma, Honey what's going on?

Pebbles:
Dada! Dada!

Fred Flintstone:
Marone! Will you clean this child [Pebbles]. She smells like dinosaur doodoo!

Harvey:
[After being kissed by Thundarr the Barbarian] Wow, that's a man kiss.

Falcón:
Gracias.

Phil:
Ha ha... sissy European lisp thingy.

Phil:
[Looking at Falcón]: I think I can safely say that Blue brings something to the firm we didn't have before. [Looks at Harvey Birdman]. Not this. This is something here before NOT we have.

Harvey:
Step off, Holmes!

Peanut:
Oh, I was trying, just trying to talk about your tattoo.

Harvey:
You wouldn't last two minutes in my world!

Harvey:
12 Jurors. 1 Judge. 1/2 a chance

Phil:
I need your...uh, help.

Harvey:
Really.

Phil:
On my way to work I hit a guy...

Harvey:
Oh, that doesn't seem so bad.

Phil:
...every day this week.

Harvey:
Oh... any witnesses?

Phil:
: Some kids.

Harvey:
Nobody believes kids!

Phil:
And a nun.

Harvey:
Nobody believes nuns!

Phil:
Someone's suing Phil Ken Sebben, dammit!

Harvey:
I'll take the case.

Phil:
And if we lose it's you and me, Birdman, against the world.

Harvey:
YES!

Phil:
Two heavily armed men in a bunker fighting extradition.

Harvey:
Oh.

X, The Eliminator:
Birdman! Prepare to meet thy fate!

Harvey:
Thy?

Debbie:
Your lunch appointment is here... for tomorrow.

[Harvey looks at his watch that says 9:
00]

[awkward silence]

X and Harvey at the same time:
Coffee!

X, The Eliminator:
Yes, it is I; X, the Eliminator, and only I can rid you of this scourge; Birdman.

FEAR Member 1:
What is your price?

X, The Eliminator:
One million dollars

FEAR Member:
It is agreed; we will give you the money, and in exchange you will bring us the crest of Birdman

X, The Eliminator:
....thats it? for that amount of money I thought I'd have to.. well, y'know; kill him.

FEAR Member 1:
Oh, God no.

FEAR Member 2:
What are you? Crazy?