Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law, Season 2

Secret Squirrel:
"Never fear, madam, Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here!" [woman screams] "Wait! I didn't even pull it out yet!"

Phil:
[searching for his keys] Let's see. Gum wrapper... pocket lint... lighter... ooo flamethrower... ring of power... don't know what that is... roll of quarters, wait that's not roll of...ah, here they are. [trying to put the key in the keyhole] Okay... all right... here we go... and opening... on one... next time... spatial relationships... okey doke... come to papa... male end, female end... [opens door].

[Dramatic music sting]

Phil:
My office! Burgled, plundered, purloined! Ha ha ha... loins.

Phil:
Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut:
You hid the interns?

Phil:
Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey:
[thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil:
Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey:
[thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil:
Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Reducto:
Don't you know? Every cellular phone, no matter how small. No matter how perfectly tiny and minature. [paranoid music starts] Every month a new one, smaller and smaller but somehow more powerful, crammed with more amazingly clever but needless features that... I'm sorry, I believe I got offpoint.

Reducto:
Every conversation is scanned for key words. Here, give me your phone, I'll show you.

Harvey:
Umm...

Reducto:
Hello. Mail bomb.

Harvey:
Uh, heh... um...

Reducto:
Assassination.

Harvey:
Hey, can I have that back? I just remembered...

Reducto:
Fertilizer.

Harvey:
...I'm almost out of minutes.

Reducto:
Same-sex marriages. Patagonia. Nader for President.

Harvey:
See, nothing happened. Nobody's monitoring these things!

Phil:
[overlooking them] Huh, I always took Reducto for a libertarian.

Phil:
Also, I've noticed a couple of you have slipped back into being able to concentrate on your work and somehow managed to control your bowels, which means I have no choice but to terrify you by ratcheting up the alert level a couple of notches to... BLACKWATCH PLAID! Oh and I'm gonna have to take some more drastic security measures, like uh...I don't know, installing a camera in the ladies room.

Peanut:
Ooh, me likey the oppressive totalitarianism.

Harvey:
My client, a private investigator...

Mentok:
Colloquially known as a...?

Harvey:
Uhhh... a P.I.? Gumshoe?

Inch-High, Private Eye:
He wants you to say, "dick."

Mentok:
Which would make you an...?

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[sighs] Inch-high dick.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[has just been enlarged to a normal-sized human being] Be right back!

[Cut to Inch-High in line at an amusement park with a sign reading, "you must be this tall to ride"]

Inch-High, Private Eye:
Again.

Amusement park worker:
Please step onto the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
I'm sorry, what?

Amusement park worker:
Get on the ride, sir.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
Again.

Inch-High, Private Eye:
[Back in the courthouse with a giant stuffed bunny] As I was saying...

Gigi:
[emerging from under Phil's desk] I found it!

Phil:
You sure did!

Harvey:
Ha, aha...

Phil:
Multiple entendre.

Gigi:
Gotta run. Oh... [kisses Harvey on wing] See you at home, hun!

Harvey:
Do you mind telling me what she was looking for?

Phil:
Your desk lamp. Here.

Potamus:
[emerging from under Phil's desk] Is he gone?

Reducto:
BIRDMAN! That little man... where is he? I must find him. Find him and destroy him! He's so... perfectly miniature. I hate him.

[Birdman starts slapping Reducto]

Reducto:
I love him. [slap] I hate him. [slap] I love him, AND hate him! [falls to Birdman's knees crying, Inch High peeks out of Birdman's pants] Oh, please, Birdman, put it away. I like the little hat, though. Tres chic.

[Inch-High takes off his towel in the sauna]

Phil:
Ha ha, not to scale.

Mentok:
Let's see here, ARBITRATION. [High voice]Thats for people who are too teeny to go to court, teeny wiennie, peenie.

Devlin:
Ever hear of "imitatable acts"?

Harvey:
Oh, great movie! Eszterhas.

Harvey:
[while looking for genitalia on Avenger] Peanut, have you ever seen any 'thingies' on Avenger? Swingy thingies?

Mightor:
Deedleleedlelee.

Harvey:
[after failing to get an injured boy to physically react to certain things] You said you saw him scratch his nose!

Peanut:
Yes! When they were prying him off his little wheelchair, he was all [whines and swats the air like a sissy]

Phil Ken Sebben:
That reminds me, Birdman! You're Fi...Ernie Devlin?

Devlin:
Yo?

Phil Ken Sebben:
It's me, Phil! Ken! Seb...Ben...Phil.

Devlin:
Is it hot in here... or was I just engulfed in flames? And broads?

Harvey:
So sorry we couldn't help you, but again, making your will after you're dead is pretty much frowned-upon. It's a legal thing.

Funky Phantom:
That's not what the Founding Fathers intended. I know, I was there! You lawyers are screwing up this whole country!

Harvey:
[laughs] We're trying.

Funky Phantom:
And how do ya think they'd react to pornography? Or naked pictures even?

Peanut:
Well, I'm guessin' George Washington would've had more wood than just his teeth.

Phil:
[regarding Avenger's replacement: a finch] What do you mean, he's not a good typist?

Harvey:
Well, for one, he's too light, he can't push the keys down.

Phil:
You know what he needs? A mate. Finches are sad without mates; they won't type without them.

Harvey:
Plus, I don't think he understands English.

Phil:
Maybe I got a European Goldfinch by mistake. Crap!

Harvey:
[now has a white stain on his shoulder]

Phil:
Nope! I think he understands plenty!

Reducto:
[to Avenger at his going-away party] So. Twenty years, huh?

Avenger:
Caw.

[long silence]

Potamus:
This blows! Who's up for a Hooter's run?

Bear:
*grunt*

Potamus:
What? Hooter's? For the bird? It's an owl reference!

Reducto:
Big bosoms make me nauseous.

Funky Phantom:
(rapping) My name is Funky! But if you funk with me, you'll take a one-way ride in my SUV!

Yo Yo Yo, old Betsy Ross, when she grabs Old Glory, and she takes it off!

Run me up a flagpole then my snake salutes, but don't tread on me with your hobnail boots!

Don't think I'm funky? Republipunk-ass bitch! You say I'm old ghost white? Well, you can suck... my...

Debbie (over intercom):
A, ah, [clears throat] Mr. Ding-a-ling here to see you.

[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh.]

Harvey:
[Greeting Ding-a-ling] Mr. Ding-a-ling!

Mightor:
[On a golf course, waving a club] Ha-ha-ha, deedle-deedle-dee.

Ding-a-ling:
Gee whizzes, Mr. Birdman, something awful's happened. I went to register my name, because I wanna do a web site for all my fans...

[Harvey, Peanut, and Avenger laugh again.]

Ding-a-ling:
...and this is what came up. It's pictures, dirty pictures!

Peanut:
You think you got it bad? You should see what Tweetypie-dot-org looks like. Hee hee, yeah, "I tawt I taw a puddy... tat."

Harvey:
The man's good name. When all is said and done, isn't that all he has? My client, Dingaling...

[pause]

Mentok:
What?... oh. Oh! you were expecting a joke there. Too easy! Now, if he'd been Peter Peckapickle von Peenie, née Peter Peenie Peckerpickle; Waldo Lang Schnitzeldong; or Sarah Plain-and-Tall - any of those - then we got something! Ha ha ha! Oooooo Weeeee Oooooooooo Weeeeeee-nie.

Harvey:
Your name was hijacked by a website as well?

Hi Riser:
Yes. Yes, it was.

Harvey:
Tell us the name of that site.

Hi Riser:
Hi Riser dot com.

Harvey:
And, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, there are more. Many more. I give you: Big Duke, Bigger Duke, Kwicky, Schnooker, The Magic Rabbit, Fluid Man...

Peanut:
[aside] That would be eww...

Harvey:
...Dirty Dawg, Mother Load, and Galtar.

[The Gallery looks confused]

Harvey:
...and his Golden Lance.

[The Gallery gasps]

Peanut:
Bling-bling. Who's there? Oh, it's Peanut's money!

Harvey:
It didn't last as long this time.

Peanut:
Yeah, Harvey. We're gonna have to move you up to the good stuff...the French Stuff.

Harvey:
Gimme the French Stuff.

Peanut:
Oh, you gotta pay more for the stuff en francais, playa!

Harvey:
OK OK OK! How much?

Peanut:
You know Harv, I've always admired the view from your apartment.

Harvey:
[tosses Peanut his apartment keys] Enjoy!

Peanut:
And lunch money.

Harvey:
But I'm out of money! Avenger wanted a cheeseburger, and....

Peanut:
You know, I know this 39-year-old bodybuilder. Still amateur. He's got a powerful taste for the French Stuff. I could give him a call.

Harvey:
Money. Money. I'll get the money!

[Harvey is now posing as a prostitute in drag. A "potential client" pulls up. After seeing Harvey, the man drives off]

Harvey:
Keep driving, slick! Keep driving!

[The man takes Magilla Gorilla, also a prostitute in drag]

Jane:
Hard day at the button, dear?.

George:
Oh, it was brutal...brutal! I had to push the button on and off five times. That Spacely's a slavedriver.

Phil:
[slaps Orbity] YOU HUSSY! YOU CHEATING COB!

[Orbity whimpers]

Priest:
[in the year 4063 A.P., everyone is worshiping potamus] I got that THING, he sent me!

Phil:
They came to anally probe me!! HA HA! Third kind.

Harvey:
Pleased to meet your Mr. ...

[Laugh-O-Lympics committee member grabs Harvey's stapler, putting it in his pocket]

Harvey:
My stapler seems to have fallen into your...

Phil:
Ixnay on the aplerstay, okay... ay? This is the big time, Laugh-O-Lympics, Birdman.

Doctor:
[With tranquilizer dart in his neck.] It says here that the father of Gigi's baby is... GRAPE APE!!!

Peanut:
Hey, don't you need a blood test to [Gets a tranquilizer dart in his neck.]

[Harvey and M!!!Butu sit down; M!!!Butu has a blow dart gun.]

Harvey:
Thank you.

Doctor:
It also says that the team who won the finals is...IT'S DALLAS!!!

[Phil with two monk like men.]

Phil:
CANNIBALS!!

Potamus:
GiGi! You look absolutely...[GiGi turns around and Potamus notices she's pregnant] Gotta run.

Reducto:
I've met the un-shrinkable!

Phil:
I'd like to welcome you all to the bi-annual... Ha ha ha! Bi! Sebben & Sebben Board of Director's meeting.

Phil:
[opens the door for Doggy Daddy]

Doggy Daddy:
Just tell me what you want me to do.

Phil:
[stands there silently]

Doggy Daddy:
[tries to go through the door, and Phil slams it on his muzzle.]

Phil:
[humping Doggy Daddy] I'm the alpha male! I AM THE ALPHA MALE!

Phil:
Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert.

Harvey:
Interesting name. Norweg...?

Dvd:
Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time.

Phil:
Brllnt!

[Klaxons sound as Harvey tries to obtain more bathroom tissue]

Phil:
[over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey:
One sheet?!

Phil:
Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus:
[appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Mentok:
Mr. Birdman, you clearly have something on your mind, know how I know tha-

Harvey:
Yeah yeah, Mind-taking

Mentok:
WATCH YOUR TONE WITH ME MR. MAN... BIRD... THING!

Phil:
Hey, Dvd, What if we just combine the urinal and the water fountain? [unzips his pants, causing the guy drinking from the fountain to spit out water]

Phil:
Harvey, it's come to my attention that you're not using both sides of the toilet paper. You're wasting a ply!

Phil:
If it's yellow, leave it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down... maybe.

Phil:
Wait a minute! VP's don't piddle with the piffle. You're an executive!

Black Vulcan:
In your pants?

Phil:
To the executive pissoir!

[Harvey and Phil enter a toilet that looks like a palace.]

Harvey:
Wow.

Phil:
Ha ha ha! V..pee. Backrub.

[Lady appears and starts rubbing Phil's shoulders.]

Harvey:
Am I supposed to... err... um... in this?

Phil:
Nothing like gold on gold

Harvey:
You know Phil, I've wanted this a long time: the money, the attention, the...

Phil:
Backrub.

Harvey:
Backrub?

[Man appears and starts rubbing Harveys shoulders.]

Harvey:
Oh... But somehow, it doesn't feel right

Phil:
You know it didn't feel right to me at first either.

Harvey:
It didn't?

Phil:
Nope, but now I can't go wee without a little rub.

Phil:
Ha ha ha, Noses on dowels.

Blue Falcon:
Senior, have faith if you could do me a favor.

Birdman:
Sure.

Blue Falcon:
Before you enter, could you expectorate on me.

Birdman:
Sorry?

Blue Falcon:
Expectorate, como se dice? Spitting?

Quickdraw:
"The right of the people to keep and bear arms," Mr. Birdman, "shall not be infringed."

Harvey:
Wait, I've heard that.

Quickdraw:
Second Amendment.

Harvey:
Oh, yeah.

Harvey:
Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Reducto:
Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

[Addressing the gallery front row, containing the Founding Fathers, Antonin Scalia, Funky Phantom, and Edgar Winter]

Reducto:
Don't look at me!

[Starts crawling underneath the gallery seats]

Reducto:
And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]

Phil:
I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.

Narrator:
Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.

Phil:
[Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.

Narrator:
Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.