Hogan's Heroes, Season 6

General Burkhalter:
Klink is a fine actor. Look how well he's played the part of a German officer all these years.

Major Hochstetter:
Kommandant Klink: a man who could have been great, except he wasn't very good.

Colonel Klink:
I have been appointed Haufman's defense council.

Corporal Newkirk:
How did it happen?

Colonel Klink:
I'm told I volunteered.

Colonel Hogan:
What's your defense?

Colonel Klink:
Since Colonel Houfman has served his country gallantly in the past, I will try for a smaller firing squad.

Colonel Klink:
I don't think I'll have any trouble getting him off with the death penalty.

General Burkhalter:
"And, effective immediately, all military establishments on the home front will give senior non-commissioned officers command training, with full responsibility and authority." There it is.

Colonel Klink:
I can't believe it. This order is insane, absolutely insane!

General Burkhalter:
It is signed "Adolf Hitler".

Colonel Klink:
Insane, yet, sane.

General Burkhalter:
Klink, single-handed you cut the Thousand-Year Reich down to a bare six months! In fact, we may not last until Christmas!

Klink:
May I ask what the dynamite is for?

Hochstetter:
You may not.

Klink:
Then I won't.

Newkirk:
Good evening, Schimmell's Bakery!

Klink:
Schimmell's Bakery?

Newkirk:
Hello? Who is this? Is that you, you no good Heinie Bellheim?!

Carter:
[In a girl's voice] Is it for me, Papa?

Newkirk:
Never mind! No! You cannot speak to Helga now, she's busy making strudel!

Carter:
Oh, Papa!

Newkirk:
And you listen to me, Heinie! You stop calling here, do you understand? Don't bother her, she's a good girl! And go away! Do something! Join the Army!

Hogan:
Herr Strasser? Mayerink, Intelligence.

Strasser:
Finally! That stupid Colonel.

Hogan:
I know, my apologies. He will be punished.

Strasser:
Are your people ready at the hotel?

Hogan:
This is too big for them. You will make your report direct to Berlin. Come, we have a truck waiting.

Strasser:
A truck? Wouldn't a plane be quicker?

Hogan:
Yes, but we wouldn't want the Luftwaffe in on this. That Goering and his big mouth. He'd take credit for everything.

Schultz:
Raus, everybody, raus, raus, raus, raus!

Hogan:
What's happening, Schultz?

Schultz:
The Kommandant has an important announcement to make!

Newkirk:
Bout what?

Schultz:
I know-

Hogan, Newkirk, Baker, LeBeau, Carter:
Nothing, nothing!

General Burkhalter:
What she needs right now is consolation, Klink.

Klink:
I understand, sir.

General Burkhalter:
And you are the man to help her in this difficult time.

Klink:
Me? I can hardly console myself!

General Burkhalter:
I have arranged a nice, quiet table for the two of you at the Hauserhof tonight. Be kind to her. She respects you. THAT'S AN ORDER!

Klink:
Hogan, I was wondering if you were aware of the fact that this is a prison camp.

Hogan:
[Laughing] Well, if it isn't, you're wasting a lotta guards and barbed wire fences!

Klink:
[Visibly annoyed] That's very amusing. Ha ha ha!

Hogan:
Nothing like a good laugh, is there, sir?

Major Pruhst:
So that is Colonel Hogan?

Klink:
You've heard of him?

Major Pruhst:
Yes. I know all about him. Born in Ohio, graduated from the Aviation Cadets- third in his class!

Klink:
[Uncomfortably] Well, their standards are much lower than ours.

Schultz:
[entering Klink's office] Herr Kommandant, Major Pruhst here to see you.

Klink:
Major Pruhst? I've never heard of him.

General Burkhalter:
If I'm not discussing this with Colonel Hogan, why are you?

Klink:
I don't know.

General Burkhalter:
Then stop talking to him!

Klink:
Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that I do not wish to discuss it with him.

Schultz:
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink does not wish to discuss it with you.

Hogan:
Tell Colonel Klink he's gonna be in as much trouble as General Burkhalter!

General Burkhalter:
Klink! Tell Schultz to tell Hogan I'm in no trouble.

Klink:
Schultz! Tell Colonel Hogan that General Burkhalter is in no trouble.

Schultz:
Colonel Hogan, Colonel Klink says that-

Hogan:
They're both gonna be in trouble if they don't get rid of that rocket launcher!

General Burkhalter:
Klink! Tell him he can't threaten me!

Klink:
Schultz! Tell him he can't threaten him!

Schultz:
General Burkhalter told Colonel Kli-

Hogan:
This is my last warning!

General Burkhalter:
I don't take warnings from prisoners!

Klink:
Neither do I!

Hogan:
You will this time!

[Hogan, Klink and Burkhalter all start arguing.]

Schultz:
PLEASE! Wait for me!

General Burkhalter:
Klink, stop agreeing with me; you are undermining my confidence.

[With General Burkhalter watching, Colonel Klink triggers the launch. The rocket lifts off but starts heading in the wrong direction.]

General Burkhalter:
KLINK! England is [Points] that way!

Klink:
General Burkhalter, I-I can't understand what happened!

Hogan:
What's that way?

General Burkhalter:
My house, for one thing!

[The rocket descends and explodes when it hits the ground.]

Hogan:
Frankly, General, I always thought it was a lousy neighborhood anyway.

[An escaped prisoner has stolen a German truck]

LeBeau:
Hey, this is a late model! How much can we get for it on the black market?

Schultz:
How are you going to get him out of the camp?

[Hogan is about to say something]

Schultz:
(Very quickly in an anguished voice) Please don't tell me.

Colonel Hogan:
Why not? We don't have to be enemies just because we're... enemies!

Carter:
Colonel... are you sure that's a good plan?

Colonel Hogan:
You got a better one?

[Pause]

Carter:
Good plan.