Homicide: Life on the Street, Season 5

Gaffney:
You know, Al, it's a good thing Russert runs off. Between her and Pembleton, it's like an episode of Nash Bridges around here.

Shift Commander Lieutenant. Alphonse Michael "Gee" Giardello Sr.:
[to Gaffney] Lewis in a dress? This interests you?

Pembleton:
[Holding coffee pot] Who-who finished the last of the...uh...bagel?

Lewis:
Bagel?

Pembleton:
Bagel. Bagel. BAY-GUL! Hot. Brown. Liquid? Bagel.

Lewis:
Oh, sure. Bagel.

Kellerman:
You mean "coffee," Frank.

Pembleton:
Th-that's what I said, isn't it?

Kellerman:
Right, uh, the bagel.

Pembleton:
[yelling] Who finished the last of the bagel, huh?

Lewis:
[quietly] Kellerman.

Pembleton:
[to Kellerman] You-you-you make the next pot, huh?

Pembleton:
It's okay. I know. I talk funny. I walk funny. I'm a little bit slow. But I still know this job. Me and you. We can find this guy.

Bayliss:
Frank, go home.

Pembleton:
You don't think I'm good enough to be your partner, do you?

Bayliss:
That's not true.

Pembleton:
I'm the same man. I'm the same man. You don't think I'm the same man, do you? You think I'm never gonna be the same? You kiss my ass.

Bayliss:
We're gonna find Gerry Uba, and I'm not gonna stop until I put this case down.

Munch:
I forgot about this side of you.

Bayliss:
What side?

Munch:
The obsessive side.

Bayliss:
You know, this isn't easy for me either. Everything's all switched around. I'm not usually the one who's driving, Frank; you are. And I'm not used to looking at the right side of your face, I'm used to looking at the left side.

Pembleton:
[turning to the side] How's this? Now you can look at the back side of my face.

Bayliss:
You know, I'm tough with you, you hate me. I'm nice to you, you hate me.

Pembleton:
I had the stroke; I almost died. I'm supposed to be a different person, huh? I'm supposed to treat people better?

Bayliss:
I'm not people; I'm your partner.

Pembleton:
Oh, you're my partner. I sit at a desk. I am of absolutely no use to you and I'm your partner. I watch my weight. I watch my diet. I watch my blood pressure. Every 8 hours, no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I hafta take a little white pill. If I don't follow the rules, I die. I'm not going to treat you differently. I won't. 'Cause that's not who I am. And who I am is all I have left.

Bayliss:
Have you ever been in prison, Meldrick?

Lewis:
What? You mean as a prisoner?

Bayliss:
Yeah.

Lewis:
No.

Bayliss:
I have.

Lewis:
How come the more I know about you Bayliss, the less I wanna know? So 'fess up. What were you in the pokey for? Drunk driving, date rape, pedophilia?

Bayliss:
No.

Lewis:
So, what?

Bayliss:
I protested human rights violations in El Salvador.

Lewis:
Of course.

Bayliss:
I was 18, 19.

Lewis:
So how much time did you spend in jail for protesting human rights violations in El Salvador?

Bayliss:
I was in the holding cell for two nights.

Lewis:
Two nights? That don't exactly count as hard time.

Bayliss:
They were very long nights.

Lewis:
So why didn't you post bail?

Bayliss:
My dad refused to come get me.

Lewis:
Okay, that's harsh.

Bayliss:
Yeah, my dad had very set ideas about life.

Lewis:
Well at least I hope you stiffed him on Father's Day.

Bayliss:
Every chance I got.

Kellerman:
I just want you to know that I'm here for you. And if you want a hug, I'd be happy to give you one.

Bayliss:
A hug?

Kellerman:
Yeah.

Bayliss:
Do you and Lewis hug?

Kellerman:
Yeah.

Bayliss:
A lot?

Kellerman:
No, not a lot.

Bayliss:
But enough.

Kellerman:
What do you mean?

Bayliss:
Well, do you want Lewis to hug you more?

Kellerman:
Forget I brought this up.

Bayliss:
No, no, no. You brought up the hugging thing.

Giardello:
All we need is a couple of facts. We already know the truth.

Bayliss:
Listen to me, I'm sounding like Pembleton here.

Howard:
It could be worse, you could sound like Munch.

Bayliss:
The law works any way we want it to.

Lewis:
I'm looking for Stivers. I'm gonna smack him.

Stivers:
Take your best shot, pal.

Lewis:
Terri Stivers? You a woman.

Stivers:
You homicide guys, always pickin' up on small details.

Kellerman:
Someone's in the jackpot.

Lewis:
Yeah, well, it ain't me. I ain't done nothing. Lately.

Vernon Troy:
You gonna put my name on a warrant for Luther Mahoney?

Lewis:
Right now, you're all we've got.

Vernon Troy:
Then you ain't got jack; I'm outta here.

Lewis:
Hold on now, hold on. Listen, I got an idea here.

Vernon Troy:
Be quick, man. I'm ill.

Lewis:
Yeah, you ill. You smell funky too.

Bayliss:
You're looking good there, Frank. You're looking sure. Everyday, you're looking a little more sure. Not taking your medicine, are you? I'm a detective, Frank. A keen observer of the human condition. I pick up on the subtlest clues, I react to the slightest suggestion. In short, I deduce.

Pembleton:
Who told you?

Bayliss:
Brodie. You gotta take your medicine, Frank. If you don't take your pills Frank, your head's gonna explode.

Pembleton:
What I gotta do is pass this test. I pass, I'm a detective. I fail, I'm office furniture.

Pandolfi:
You're a funny man, Al. May I call you Al?

Giardello:
No, you may not.

Lewis:
[about Brodie] I'm Lewis, this is Bayliss, and that's the young Jimmy Olsen over there.

Dr. Cox:
Look at her eyes.

Munch:
Did they move?

Dr. Cox:
She's got makeup on.

Munch:
So?

Dr. Cox:
Most women take off their makeup before they go to bed.

Munch:
Not the women I know.

Dr. Cox:
Don't you even wonder why?

Munch:
Why what?

Dr. Cox:
Why he lied?

Munch:
I'm a homicide cop. The only time I wonder why is when they tell me the truth.

Brodie:
Bayliss threw me out. Lewis says I'm wrecking his marriage. Everybody hates me. I'm going to go live in a cardboard box.

Howard:
Just try and get one from a Frigidaire 28ZGE. They're the biggest.

Jude Silvio:
I don't know what to say.

Counselor:
You could start with your name.

Jude Silvio:
Jude Silvio. My mother was a Beatles fan.

Counselor:
I don't follow.

Jude Silvio:
Hey Jude. Don't be afraid. Take a sad song yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah.

Pembleton:
Homicide needs no metaphor... Homicide just is.

Bayliss:
I hear you passed your firearms exam; that is the best news.

Pembleton:
Well, not for you.

Bayliss:
What do you mean?

Pembleton:
The good times are over. The easy times. I'm back; I'm rested. I'm.... meaner than ever.

Lewis:
Not a single murder this week. That's not the Baltimore I know and love.

Lewis:
[to onlookers] Okay. Who here saw what happened and wants to cooperate fully with the detectives on this investigation? [silence] Yep, our work here is done.

Munch:
From the tracks on his arms, the large caliber wound, the proximity to a heroin market -- I'd say it was a heated dispute about the symbolism of red and blue in eighteenth century French romantic poetry.

Pembleton:
Arrested once, hey, you're entitled. Arrested twice -- it's Baltimore, home of the bar brawl. But arrested three times for assault in one year -- maybe it's time for you to start admitting that you have emotional control problems.

Lewis:
[to Luther Mahoney] I remember when I was workin' as a beat cop. Our job was to clear the corner. No big deal. Just tell people to move along and most of the time, the police tell you to move along, that's what you're gonna do, you're gonna move along. But every once in a while, there's gonna be some knucklehead fool, wanna keep standing on your corner talking trash. And he told me, don't you ever, ever, let some knucklehead stand on your corner and shame you. Cause once you've done that, you're done as a beat cop. So what he suggested I do, was that I take out my billy club and smack him upside the head so hard, that everybody who heard it knows who had the last word... Luther, you're on my corner.

Lewis:
[about Kay Howard] Did you hear that? Danvers and I are just friends. That's baloney. Did you see her face?

Kellerman:
Why do you push her buttons every chance you get?

Lewis:
Because it is soooo easy.

Giardello:
Hey, in this unit, Danvers is tu familia, cappice? I want you to take every word out of his mouth seriously. I want you to investigate every single lead, Frank. And if that's a problem with you, I can give this investigation over to Bayliss and he can handle it. Now, down the line, I want to be able to look Danvers in the eye.

Pembleton:
Trust me, you will.

Julius:
What the hell do you want?

Danvers:
What do I want? To kill you. Only unlike you, I don't have a gun, so I'm gonna kill you the only way I know how. With the law. It may take the rest of my life, Julius, but I came here to swear an oath to you. I will live to see you die.

Danvers:
Unless a case was absolutely winnable, I'd take a plea. Can't get first-degree? Lets go for second. Can't get second? How about manslaughter? Maybe we send him away for a year. Maybe when he gets out, he won't sell any more drugs. Maybe he won't rape any more children, rob any more stores. Maybe he won't murder anyone!

Danvers:
I thought that if I won enough cases, filed enough briefs, worked enough hours, I could rid the world of all the Julius Cummings. Somewhere along the way I just forgot the victims' faces.

Bayliss:
[to Brodie] I will never, ever speak to you again as long as I live. I will treat you like Nixon treated Agnew.

Pembleton:
You can't have that in your film.

Brodie:
What?

Pembleton:
That. You can't have us joking about overtime like that.

Brodie:
But you said it.

Pembleton:
Yeah, I know I said it; point is, I don't want anyone to hear me say it.

Lewis:
You know what your problem is, Timmy? You let things haunt you.

Kellerman:
You know, I think you might be a little too sensitive for police work. You just let things nag at you. You're the opposite of a nag. You're a nag-ee.

Bayliss:
A nag-ee?

Kellerman:
Yeah. It's in the dictionary. Look it up.

Bayliss:
Listen, the only thing that's naggin' me around here, Kellerman, is you.

Giardello:
You and Detective Stivers.

Lewis:
Gee, me and Detective Stivers were having a meeting, discussing how to get Luther Mahoney off the street.

Pembleton:
It doesn't look like a business meeting.

Lewis:
There's business meetings and there's business meetings.

Pembleton:
[to Bayliss] We really could have used her statement. Are you going to yell at everybody today?

Giardello:
I don't know if Bayliss should be the primary on this case.

Howard:
You can't take the case away from him, Gee.

Giardello:
He's had a bad history with murdered children and I don't want that interfering with his ability to do his job.

Pembleton:
It won't interfere.

Giardello:
How do you know that?

Pembleton:
I trust my partner. We'll put this case down.

Giardello:
He trusts his partner? The forgiving Frank Pembleton?

Bayliss:
It wouldn't kill you to show some enthusiasm. Smile every once in a while.

Pembleton:
Well, I'm not a smiler, I'm not a hugger, I'm not a sensitive guy. That's you, not me.

Bayliss:
You and me, Frank. We've got all the luck. A dead child. Murdered little girl. Call Pembleton or Bayliss, they've got lots of experience.

Pembleton:
What, you're feeling sorry for yourself cause you lost a case?

Bayliss:
I've spent my life trying not to feel sorry for myself. See, Adena Watson, Janelle Parsons, Tonya Thompson. Every murdered child, every abused child, I understand. Cause all those children are me. Yeah, I know what that's all about. You see, my uncle, my father's brother, I was 5 years old, and he would follow me into the bathroom and he would close the door and he would take my hand in his and he would.... After he was done, he would smile and he would say what a good boy I was and oh, yeah, shhh....And this went on for years, years. My, my parents, they couldn't understand why I cried at every holiday, every family get together. So when I was 8 years old, I told my father, what had been going on, and I remember it was a struggle to get those words out and my father just stared at me and he asked me why I was lying. And he was my father and he was supposed to protect me Frank, but he didn't. See, for him, whatever was happening, it was like an inconvience. See, to him, I wasn't a real person, and he never saw me, he never really looked at me. Ever.

Pembleton:
Tim, I'm sorry.

Bayliss:
I don't want your comfort Frank. That's not why I told you.

Pembleton:
Alright.

Bayliss:
By the way, I don't wanna be partners with you anymore.

Lewis:
Luther, Luther, look both ways before crossing the street, my brother.

Luther Mahoney:
You do the same.

Howard:
I'll go have a conversation with the illustrious Luther Mahoney.

Lewis:
I'm goin' to put a bullet in his brain.

Howard:
Hey, that's a thought.

Kellerman:
We do this job. A job that nobody gives a piss about and what are we? We're garbagemen. There isn't any consideration anymore, they just keep killing each other. They should have to go out and roll a body and see what we see.

Kellerman:
He stands up for us and where are we for him? Have a beer, right? So we can raise a toast to the son of a bitch because he was an idiot, thinking he could make a difference in the world.

Lewis:
He wasn't an idiot.

Kellerman:
No? All he had to do was go along with the program; just let them sell drugs off the corner, just accept things as they are and he'd still be alive. Your old partner Crosetti - he was an idiot too.

Lewis:
What?

Kellerman:
He let it all get to him.

Lewis:
Why you wanna go there, man? Why you wanna drag Crosetti into this?

Kellerman:
I see certificates of merit hanging in the squadroom. For what? So we can remember what a great guy he was, what a great detective? Does him a lot of good that he's remembered. Just a stupid, pathetic moron is what he was.

Lewis:
Why you wanna talk about Crosetti like that? Why you wanna talk about someone you didn't even know?

Kellerman:
There's the door. You don't wanna hear it, get out.

Lewis:
He was a good man and he was a good detective. You don't know the first thing about him so what gives you the right to talk about someone you don't even know?

Kellerman:
What, he's a mystery?! He kills himself. He tossed his drunk, pill-popping ass in the water and he comes up a floater. He should have eaten his gun.

Lewis:
Mike-

Kellerman:
No! No "Mike"! No more partner, no more friend, none of it! This is done between us!

Lewis:
You letting them tell you that you don't matter, but we do matter, Mike. We do. I miss Crosetti. Sometimes I wake up and I think I'm gonna see his big head in the squadroom. But I don't; I just see you. You a better cop than he was. I ain't taking nothing away from him, but you are and I ain't just saying that. This is the job, Mike. This is what we do. I just wanna be a good cop. And if I walk outta here and I let you smoke yourself, am I still a good cop?

Munch:
Ah, provolone and onion. Bland and zing. Soft and crunch. The Yin and Yang of sandwich filling.

Brodie:
Only a man with no woman in his life eats extra onion for lunch.

Lewis:
Nothin's missing, so I guess we can rule out a robbery, huh?

Pembleton:
We don't guess, Meldrick, we hypothesize. We infer. We extrapolate from the evidence. We do not guess.

Lewis:
Go easy on me, would you Frank? It's early in the morning, I haven't had my first donut yet.

Jeff:
Who do you guys think did this?

Lewis:
In my best extrapolation? Professor Plum, in the library, with the candlestick.

Gee:
Do I smell the acrid aroma of squad room discord? The breakdown of the collabrative process? 'Cause I'd hate to think that two of my carefully matched detectives are finding lumps in the honeymoon mattress.

Lewis:
And you know what else, Frank? Love spelled backwards is "evil." E-v-o-l.

Pembleton:
That's not love spelled backwards. That's live spelled backwards.

Lewis:
Cut me some poetic slack, will ya, Frank?

Kellerman:
You sure you want me with you?

Bayliss:
Yeah. Sure, why not?

Kellerman:
I don't know. The last time we worked together, you, uh, were kinda snarky.

Bayliss:
Snarky?

Kellerman:
Yeah. Snarky. You know, from the ancient Greek, meaning butthead.

Dr. Cox:
I just love bombs. They always make the autopsy so easy.

Gene:
Hey, I found an ear.

Bayliss:
Friends, Romans, countrymen....

Kellerman:
Ear today, gone tommorow.

Dr. Cox:
You guys are so sick.

Giardello:
[to Frank, about Bayliss] Whatever problems you two are having, just remember one thing... 'all we are is dust in the wind.'

Pembleton:
I had no idea you were a Kansas fan.

Pembleton:
[to Giardello] What we do down here is important. We speak for those that can...no longer speak for themselves.

Munch:
The only thing I have in common with Judaism is we both don't like to work on Saturdays.

Munch:
Come on, do it for me just one more time, please, and I won't ask you again.

Kellerman:
Would you give it a rest?

Munch:
Just once more, please?

Kellerman:
Oy vey iz mir, I'm so meshugenah I could plotz.

Munch:
Do it again.

Kellerman:
No.

Munch:
You remember when you were young and the most exciting thing that you thought of was that girl in your French class. You hoped she'd talk to you, let you walk her home, maybe even let you hold her hand.

Kellerman:
Every time you looked at her you got embarrassed.

Munch:
You couldn't imagine sleeping with her. All you could think about was reaching down for her hand, weaving your fingers together, have her palm touch your palm. We forget what that was like. We have sex, get married, fight, get divorced. Somewhere along the line we forgot how wonderful it is to hold another human being's hand. What happens to us that we take things like that for granted?

Kellerman:
I don't know. We get older, I guess.

Munch:
We get older, forget who we used to be, what we used to believe in. Love, peace, the Colts would always be in Baltimore. Here's to all the Helen Rosenthals of the world.

Pembleton:
Okay, we got multiple chest wounds, an open door, and a weapon halfway across the living room.

Dr. Cox:
It's going to be hell writing this one up as a suicide, I'll tell you that much.

Bayliss:
Well, now I've seen it all. Frank Pembleton, public defender?

Pembleton:
The sin is not your own.

Bayliss:
Where do I put my hate?

Dr. Cox:
You depress me, Munch. Don't you ever think of anything positive to say?

Munch:
Hey, if he's not murdered, it's not my problem.

Stivers:
Luther Mahoney. What do you say? You in?

Lewis:
You mention Luther Mahoney, we'll follow you to the ends of the earth.

Parking Attendant:
Could you please bring some identification to the front desk?

Lewis:
No problem. [drives through gate]

Lewis:
[after beating up Luther] I'm a good cop, Luther. I'm an honest cop. That means I got standards.

Luther Mahoney:
I'm not armed.

Lewis:
Never beat on a man half your size. People won't think it's a fair fight.

Luther Mahoney:
I'm surrendering.

Lewis:
Never put an ass-whooping on a man unless you're damn sure he got it coming to him. I'm going to be beating on you for a little while.

Luther:
You're crazy, Lewis.

Lewis:
I've been a cop for a long time. And drugs out there, we're never gonna win that. There's a hundred open-air drug markets in this city and 50,000 drug fiends out there. And we are taking on human desires with lawyers and jailhouses and lockups and you and I both know human desire is kicking us in the ass. So what I need to know, Luther, is why you couldn't be happy with just the package. If you were just slinging drugs maybe you and I wouldn't be here. But the bodies. What about the bodies? What is up with that?

Kellerman:
[to Luther] You have the right to remain silent.

[He shoots Luther]

Munch [shocked at finding a cooperative murder witness in West Baltimore] Tell me, Mr. Joseph, are there anymore like you at home?

Dr. Cox:
Personally, I feel that if anyone gets killed after 2 AM, they have no right to a quality death investigation.

Munch:
We have an expression in Homicide: Our day begins when yours ends.

Howard:
Bastards killed him in his own bathroom.

Pembleton:
They murdered him. Beau believed there was a distinction between murder and killing.

Howard:
We don't close this case, it's on me. I should've known it wasn't a suicide. I let the case get cold because I believed the worst of Beau. I believed he was capable of killing himself and ughhh, I hated him for that. For his being weak, selfish, everything I hated about him when we were partners. But with Beau, it was always when hating him the most, that he would turn around and do something incredibly, stupidly, sweet. Just got to hate him all the more... Don't tell anyone I cried.

Lewis:
So, Cox and Kellerman, Julia and Mikey, Bones and the Badge.

Munch:
[to Gharty & Falsone] Girls, girls, you're both pretty.

Gharty:
What is it then?

Pembleton:
I'm on the street. I'm working. I need to know that if push comes to shove, my partner will fight for me. I don't wanna go through a door or down some alley and then find out nobody's got my back.

Gharty:
So, that's it.

Pembleton:
How am I supposed to trust someone who won't go through the same doors as me? Howard, Lewis, Bayliss, every cop on this shift will fight. Every cop will fight. I know that. I depend upon it.

Lewis:
I can't believe it. You lost a witness. How tall are you Mike?

Kellerman:
How tall am I?

Lewis:
Yeah, what, about 6'1, 6'2?

Kellerman:
6'1. Why are you asking how tall I am?

Lewis:
I didn't know they could pile crap that high.

Giardello:
[at Beauragard Donald 'Beau' Felton's memorial ceremony] Bodies still fall. The phone still rings. We still fill out our daily run sheets and argue about overtime. The board still collects names... in red & black. But long after the cases blur, and fade entirely from our memory... we still remember our own.

Brodie:
The rights of the suspect. Give me your thoughts.

Pembleton:
You are a citizen of a free nation. Having lived your adult life in a land of guaranteed civil liberties, you commit a crime of violence, whereupon you are jacked up, dragged down to Police Headquarters and deposited in a claustrophobic anteroom containing three chairs, a table, and cold brick walls. Have a seat, please. And there you sit for a half hour or more until a homicide detective, a man who can in no way be mistaken for a friend, enters the room. He offers you a cigarette, not your brand, and begins an uninterrupted monologue which wanders back and forth for a half hour or so, eventually coming to rest in a familiar place: you have the right to remain silent.

Bayliss:
You have got the absolute right to remain silent!

Pembleton:
Of course you do. You're a criminal. Criminals always have the right to remain silent.

Lewis:
We're talking about sacred freedoms here, notably your Fifth Amendment protection against self-incrimination. Hey, if it was good enough for Ollie North and Mark Fuhrman, who the hell are you to incriminate yourself at the first opportunity?

Munch:
Get it straight, a police detective paid government money to put you in prison is explaining your absolute right to shut up before you say anything stupid.

Howard:
The detective wants you to know, and we've been doing this a lot longer than you have, so you can take our word for it. Your rights to counsel... aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Pembleton:
Once you actually up and call for that lawyer, son, there ain't a damn thing we can do for you. No, sir, your good friends in the Homicide Unit are gonna have to lock you all alone in this room. And the next authority figure to scan your case will be a no-nonsense prosecutor from the Violent Crimes Unit, with the official title "Assistant State's Attorney for the City of Baltimore."

Munch:
And God help you then, 'cause a ruthless blood-sucker like that'll have an O'Donnell Heights motorhead like yourself halfway to the gas chamber before you get three words out.

Kellerman:
Your best bet is to speak up. Speak up now.

Pembleton:
You're history. And if I wasn't so busy writing up your statement, I'd probably tell you so. I'd say, "Son, you are ignorance personified, and you just put yourself in for the murder of a human being." I might even admit to you that after all my years working murders, I'm still a little amazed that anyone utters a word in this room. Think about it, son. When you came through those doors, what did the sign say? Homicide Unit, that's right. Who lives in a homicide unit? And what do homicide detectives do for a living? You got it, bunk. And tonight you took somebody's life. So when you opened your mouth, what in God's name were you thinking?

Lewis:
The longer I do this job, the more I realize that everything is about your relationship with your mother.

Bayliss:
Now, you want to call that first bullet self-defense, fine. First one's on the house. Second bullet, you want to say that that was shot in fear, that's great, that's no problem because, you know, we're going to give her a two bullet handicap. But the third shot, Frank, the one where he's down on the floor, and he's of no threat to anyone at all, Frank, come on...

Pembleton:
This man was a bastard.

Bayliss:
Yeah, he was.

Pembleton:
He got what he deserved.

Bayliss:
Yes, he did.

Pembleton:
Manslaughter, 5 years suspended.

Bayliss:
What are you talking about? It doesn't work that way!

Pembleton:
[laughs] It doesn't?

Bayliss:
No! No, you can't just go through this world giving every bastard what he deserves!