ICarly, Season 3

Spencer:
Okay, calm down--

Carly:
NEVER TELL A GIRL TO CALM DOWN!

Carly:
And she thought her thumb was missing.

Freddie:
Was it?

Carly:
No!

Carly:
You're in trouble!

Sam:
Who has urine trouble?

Carly:
No! You tweeted about me spitting in Nate's eye!

Sam:
It was a totally tweetworthy event!

Carly:
Maybe, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't tweet about my personal spit!

Carly:
I can't believe you embarrassed me like that in front of the whole web!

Sam:
Well, if you didn't want me to do it, then why didn't you say something?

Carly:
You duct-taped my mouth shut!

Sam:
Come on, you might meet a really cool guy!

Carly:
Or a psychopath with a chainsaw!

Spencer:
Come here, we need to talk.

Carly:
(sits down) What about?

Spencer:
Well... Okay. You're going to a dance tonight. You know... with a new guy.

Carly:
Mmm-hmmm.

Spencer:
So I just think it's time you and I had a little talk about...

Carly:
(interrupts) I'm not having this conversation!

Spencer:
Thank you so much!

Freddie:
Girls who are rude to me don't get a bag of bacon. (holds up bacon)

Sam:
(really fast) Whoa, Freddie, I never realized what a hot handsome hunk of boy you really are.

Spencer:
So, you wanna take Carly to the dance?

Clark:
I'd rather just make out with her.

Spencer:
NEXT!

Austin:
Have you guys ever been to Fresno?

[After Austin changes the subject several times]

Carly:
SHUT UP!

Austin:
What? I was just–

Carly:
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!

Austin:
(Freddie looks at Austin angrily and T-Bo watches Carly's outburst) What's your deal?

Carly:
My deal is you haven't let me finish one sentence all night and I can't take it anymore! It's like you won't even let me–

Austin:
What are you trying to say?

Carly:
GET OUT OF HERE! (he does)

[During the speed date]

T-Bo:
Wanna buy a pepper?

Carly:
NO!

T-Bo:
A buck each.

Carly:
T-BO!

T-Bo':
OH, OK!

Sam:
Dude, it's enormous...

Spencer:
I know!

Freddie:
It's like 10-Feet tall!

Spencer:
Yeah. Its like what you said: 1 10-feet iCarly award.

Carly:
NO! We said 10 1-foot iCarly Awardsssss...

Carly:
You just want to flirt with models in swimsuits.

Spencer:
That is absolutely true!

Spencer:
FREDDIE! FREDDIE!

Freddie:
(arrives from upstairs) What is the problem?

Spencer:
You said HOT EUROPEAN swimsuit models!

Freddie:
Ahhhh, I didn't say they were hot.

Spencer:
Yeah, and you didn't say they were DUDES, either!

Spencer:
BOOM! (gives Gibby two awards)

Gibby:
Two? You're getting faster.

Spencer:
Never underestimate the power of shirtless European men in swimsuits!

Gibby:
...I never do!

Sam:
And now, since I drank five sodas before we started tonight, I must go pee.

Carly:
Sam!

Sam:
You want my bladder to explode live on the internet?

Carly:
Ew, no.

Spencer:
[To the European swimsuit model] Blabvin, you put the hair... on the statue's feet.

Blabvin:
[nods] Yes.

Spencer:
Well, do women in your country have hair on their feet?

Blabvin:
[nods sheepishly] ...Yes...

Spencer:
[to the European swimsuit models] And guys. This is America, so the women's hair goes on their head...

Swimsuit models:
[nodding] Ohhhhh!

Bookshnog:
Guyz! The photographer is here! Turn up the muzic now!

Sam:
You got that on video?

Mr. Howard:
No.

Sam:
Then I didn't do it.

Carly:
Why are we in trouble?!

Mr. Howard:
Stop asking that!

Carly:
No fudge balls were harmed during this web show.

Sam:
Yeah, they were.

Carly:
Oh, right, a man sat on them.

Principal Franklin:
I've been fired.

Sam and Freddie:
What?! Why?!

Sam:
Dude, we gotta stop doing that...

Gibby:
Mr. Howard just gave me detention.

Mr. Howard:
Triple detention!

Gibby:
VOLCANO!!! [vomits in a nearby trash can]

T-Bo:
You wanna buy a donut?

Freddie:
No, we're having a meeting.

Sam:
Why'd you stick the donuts on that way?

T-Bo:
What you saying?

Freddie:
Well, they're donuts, they have a hole right in the middle.

Sam:
But you put the stick through the sides.

T-Bo:
Man. This is embarrassing.

[After Carly, Sam, Freddie, and Principal Franklin finish talking]

T-Bo:
You wanna buy a doughnut? [angrier, to Carly, Sam, and Freddie] I fixed 'em.

Sam:
Ugh, I can't believe school's actually gotten worse.

Carly:
Shh.

Freddie:
Be quiet.

Sam:
[shrewishly] I don't wanna be quiet! I hate these clothes! Wearing blue and khaki makes me feel like a nub! [to Freddie] No offense to you and all the other nubs in the world.

Carly:
[warns Sam] You shouldn't criticize the dress code out loud.

Sam:
Why? It's not like they're gonna hear me, and how come I gotta--

Ms. Briggs:
Sam Puckett, to the principal's office!

Sam:
Huh? Why?

Ms. Briggs:
I heard you.

[Carly and Freddie look at Sam with an "I TOLD YOU SO" face]

Mr. Howard:
You! Wipe that look off your face!

Freddie:
This isn't a look! It's just my face!

Mr. Howard:
Well, you should get your money back.

Carly:
(grabs Freddie by the shoulder) Okay, we've gotta get Principal Franklin his job back!

Freddie:
Shhhhhh! Don't say that--

Ms. Briggs:
Carly Shay, to the principal's office!

Carly:
Coming! (to Freddie) I'm so scared!

Freddie:
(walks up to Gibby and pats him) Freddie's gotcha...

(after Principal Franklin is given his job back)

Carly:
Okay, you have no idea how psyched we are that you're back.

Principal Franklin:
You are in big trouble, Carly! And so are you two! I was very clear yesterday when I told you that I did not want you-(Carly interrupts him) What, what?

Carly:
He's gone!

Principal Franklin:
(long pause) ...I love you guys. (the four start cheering and hi-fiving each other)

Gibby:
(runs into the hall shirtless) YEAH! YEAH, UH-HUH! (the four look at him oddly, and the episode ends as they continue hi-fiving)

Spencer:
TV remotes?! WHY?!

Chuck:
'Cause my dad grounded me and he won't let me watch TV for a month, and if I can't watch TV, then nobody gets to!

Spencer:
But if you're the thief, why did you join the building watch patrol?

Chuck:
'Cause no one suspects a guy in a vest!

Spencer:
Well, I'm sorry, Chuck, but you dishonored the vest! I'm calling the police!

Chuck:
Then you better tell them you need a new pearphone.

Spencer:
What, this is the new G5. What's wrong it?

(Chuck smashes his new phone, beats up Spencer, and runs away)

Spencer:
(Follows Chuck) COME BACK HERE, CHUCK!

Marta:
You want me out of the picture so you can have Lewbert for yourself!

Carly:
Lewbert for my... the... I'm fifteen!

Marta:
Lewbert, why did you steal TV remotes?

Lewbert:
(sarcastically) Because, I like the way they feel against my skin in the moonlight! Just take me to jail! Away from her!

Lewbert:
How long for slapping a cop?

Sam:
Six months...

Carly:
Who gives haircuts by force?!

Sam:
I don't know, but if this was a real TV show, it'd be more popular than anything on NBC.

Carly:
She is a monstress.

Freddie:
What have we done?

(Sam carries Freddie off)

Carly:
Cupcake sucker!

[while Freddie is removing asparagus from his locker]

Gibby:
Hey, Freddie, guess what they're serving in the cafeteria tomorrow?

Freddie:
[throws the asparagus in the trash can, angrily sarcastic] Oh, is it asparagus? 'Cause that would be so hilarious!

Gibby:
No... it's fish sticks. What's your problem? [walks away]

Freddie:
Hey... hey, I'm sorry.

Gibby:
[mad] No, I'M sorry!

[Carly approaches]

Carly:
Hi, Gibby.

Gibby:
Freddie hurt my feelings. [keeps going]

[after Sam's devised a plan to destroy the Petographers]

Freddie:
You mean we trash their studio?

Sam:
No, Freddie, I mean we rub ourselves with sweet mustard and sing show tunes.

Spencer:
Hey, guess what?

Stuart Butler:
What?

Spencer:
Shut up!

Spencer:
I would go ice skating every night.

Carly:
Except now we can't, because we've been banned from the Frozen Oval.

Sam:
It's not my fault that big guy kept bumping into me.

Carly:
So you had to jack slap him in front of his kids?!

Sam:
T-Bo!

T-Bo:
[drops smoothie; angrily] What?!

Sam:
We want a table that's as far away from them as possible! [indicates Carly and Dave]

T-Bo:
[still angry] Have I ever cared where you sat?!

Sam:
...You dip your french fries in your smoothie?

Fleck:
Yeah, try it.

Sam:
Okay, but...(she does and takes a bite of it) Seems kinda weird, 'cause the french fry's all salty, and the smoothie's all...oh, man, you're a genius.

Fleck:
Yeah.

Dave:
[gets hit with a muffin] Ow!

Carly:
What?

Dave:
He just threw a muffin at me.

Carly:
Well, that is-- [gets hit with a muffin by Sam] Ow! Sam!

Sam:
It slipped!

Dave:
You got a cranberry on your nose.

Carly:
[removes the cranberry, folds her arms, and grabs a muffin and attempts to hit Sam, but it hits an elderly lady]

Elderly Woman:
Ahhhh!

Carly:
[shocked] I'm so sorry!

Sam:
I accept your apology.

Carly:
It wasn't for you; it was for the lady I muffined!

Carly:
I'm just saying, it might be nice if you showed a tiny bit of appreciation for the work I do to make iCarly happen.

Sam:
MORE appreciation? You already named the show after yourself.

Carly:
Well, if you don't like the name iCARLY, then maybe we should change it to... iSAM, who's too lazy to even show up for rehearsal most of the time.

Freddie:
All friends have fights.

Carly:
Yeah, but this one was different. It wasn't even like a fight. I mean, we didn't yell or anything. We just said stuff, and it was bad.

Freddie:
Come on, you and Sam have been friends forever.

Carly:
I know, but people change.

T-Bo:
Mm-hmm. That's what happened with me and my friend Eddie Robinson. He got hit by a bus. Now he's Deaddie Robinson. Talk about change. (holds up a stick of muffins) Try a muffin. (he gives one to Carly)

Carly:
...He told us about his dead friend and then gave me a muffin.

Carly:
I know you're upset, but hedge clippers are never the answer.

Sam:
Well...

Carly:
Never the answer!

Carly:
I can do iCarly by myself.

Sam:
You can't do iCarly without me!

Freddie:
I MEAN IT! BOTH OF YOU, GET BACK INSIDE, RIGHT NOW!

Sam:
I'm not going back in unless Carly goes first!

Carly:
Well I'm not going back in 'till Dave and I shoot what we need for our video! ...No matter how messy this wind makes my hair!

Dave:
Carly, it’s not worth it! And you guys are friends, you shouldn’t be fighting!

Fleck:
Yeah, friends shouldn’t fight!

Dave:
I just said that!

Fleck:
Well, I thought it before you said it!

Dave:
Liar!

Sam:
Carly! Don't let go!

Carly:
[hanging from the edge of the platform] WHY ON EARTH WOULD I LET GO?!?!

Sam:
[Spencer's rope hits her head, and she falls and nearly slides off the platform] Situation, situation, situation, situation!

Sam:
I have as much of a right to Freddie as you do!

Carly:
No, you don't! Freddie loves me!

[Both look at Freddie]

Freddie:
Hey, look, a freckle on my wrist...

[While Spencer and Gibby were in the boat]:

Gibby:
Sorry, I squeezed the nozzle to hard.

Spencer:
You're supposed to be making a light ocean spray, that felt like a whale peed in my face!

Carly:
Look, we made it.

Sam:
Yeah, and neither one of us cried the whole time.

Carly:
Nope. We're brave.

Sam:
Yeah, we are.

[Both start tearing up. Spencer moves them together and they hug while crying, Fleck and Dave do the same]

Spencer:
[inside Sam's locker] HEEEERE'S SPENCY! [laughs; Sam closes her locker and walks away] I gotta quit saying witty things before I blow.

Spencer:
You bought a taco?

Sam:
Uh-huh.

Spencer:
From the truck that hit Freddie?

Sam:
Well, me starving is not gonna help him!

Freddie:
Mom, I'm not allergic to flowers!

Mrs. Benson:
And you weren't allergic to Mexican food trucks, but look at you now!

Mrs. Benson:
[to Carly, coldly] I'll take these flowers, and I'll soak them in bleach.

Mrs. Benson:
[whispers to Carly, sinister] It should have been you!

Spencer:
Hey, look. his toes sticks out of his cast! This little piggy went to market, and this little piggy got hit by a truck.

Carly:
SPENCER!

Freddie:
My mom thinks I'll choke on pills, so she pounds 'em with a mallet and puts the pill powder in my fruit sauce.

Spencer:
Fruit sauce?

Freddie:
My mom thinks I'll choke on fruits, so she pounds it with a mallet--

Spencer:
It's not my business.

Carly:
What happened to the flowers?

Mrs. Benson:
I soaked them in bleach and pounded them with a mallet.

Gibby:
Ah! Don't! I'm just a Gibby!

Sam:
Use your face and body to protect me.

Gibby:
Ah, like a human shield.

Sam:
I was gonna say bullet monkey, but whatever tickles your peach.

[A Rabbi walks through the school halls]

Gibby:
There's Spencer with a fake beard!

[Sam fires a paint ball at the rabbi]

Rabbi:
OY!

Teacher:
Rabbi Goldman!

Sam:
[to Gibby] That was a real rabbi!

Gibby:
I didn't know! I don't have cable!

Gibby:
How my hair look, Sam?

Sam:
You look good, Gib.

Mrs. Benson(After seeing Carly and Freddie kiss):
What the yuck?!

Freddie:
Carly, don't leave!

Carly:
[referring to Mrs. Benson] SHE'S BEATING ME WITH YOUR UNDERWEAR!

Sam:
Remember two years ago when I dated that guy Eric Moseby–- kid with the big nose?

Freddie:
Sure, Noseby Moseby.

Sam:
Uh-huh. And remember how he tried to get me to be his girlfriend for like six months and I kept saying, "Get away from me, or I'll kill you"? And then he bought me a subscription to the Bacons of the World Club, and then boom, I thought I was in love with the guy?

Freddie:
I'm listening.

Sam:
I was never in love with him; I was in love with the foreign bacon that kept showing up at my door every month...like a beautiful greasy dream.

Freddie:
I doubt that bacon can make you think you're in love with someone.

Sam:
You ever had Bolivian bacon?

Freddie:
No.

Sam:
It changes you.

Freddie:
You just can't stand the idea of Carly and me as a couple.

Sam:
Very true, it makes me wanna puke up blood.

Spencer:
Do you see a girl in there?

Delivery Guy:
No. Why, did you order one?

Carly:
[to Freddie] Yeah, it's cute and geeky at the same time. It's cukey.

Freddie:
I just said, "Oh."

Carly:
No, you said it like you were at a raffle, and you won a prize, and then you found out that the prize was just a can of soup, so you go, "Oh."

Freddie:
You know I like you way better than most soups.

[Freddie retreats after Carly kisses him]

Carly:
Wow... you seriously don't want to kiss me. Why?

Freddie:
'Cause ... I'm just bacon!

Carly:
You're bacon?

Freddie:
Foreign bacon!

Carly:
Did that taco truck hit you in your brain?!

Carly:
Well, I'm standing here with my lips all glossed up, and you're treating me like I'm your icky cousin Amanda.

Freddie:
Amanda is disgusting.

Note:
This section features quotes exclusive to the uncut version of iSaved Your Life, which features 7 minutes of footage that was removed due to television time constraints.[1] As such, all the quotes in the version edited for broadcast can also be found in this version by going to the iSaved Your Life section above.

iCarly Fan:
Okay, I dare Sam to get arrested.

Carly:
Nope, uh-uh.

Sam:
Been there, done that.

Freddie:
Mom, what are you spraying me with?

Mrs. Benson:
An anti-bacterial body spray for boys.

Freddie:
Where do you find this stuff?

Mrs. Benson:
At sprayyourchildren.com.

Freddie:
Carly and Sam aren't freaks! [Mrs. Benson looks at Freddie in disbelief] Carly's not a freak!

Mrs. Benson:
Posy di, posy doo, I don't want posies in my house!

Female Student:
Is it true you're gonna be Batman in the next movie?

Freddie:
Uh, yeah, sure, spread that rumor around.

Freddie:
My kittys got claws.

Carly:
Rowr.

Freddie:
(as he enters the elevator) What did I do...? (the view cuts to outside the apartment) WHAT DID I DO?!

[while Sam is screaming and punching on the couch because Carly won't enter the beauty pageant]

Spencer:
What happened, did we run out of bacon?

Freddie:
You know you're gonna give in.

Carly:
Not this time. [Sam continues screaming]

Freddie:
In 5, 4, 3, 2…

Carly:
OKAY! I'LL BE IN THE STUPID PAGEANT!

Sam:
YAY! BRING ME MY SOUP! (to Freddie)

[Spencer is screaming because Freddie won't go on a double date with him]

Freddie:
Spencer, I'm not gonna...

Carly:
In 5, 4, 3, 2…

Freddie:
OKAY!

Spencer:
YAY!!

Carly:
(after Sam removes her pageant dress) And thanks for being gentle!

Sam:
I look hot.

Carly:
I feel violated.

Sam:
[as introduction to the audience] My name is Samantha Puckett, I'm from Seattle, and I love fried chicken!

Carly:
[backstage, to a random person] It's true she really does.

Sam:
HEY, I won first place!

Carly:
Can you guys pay a little attention to us?

Spencer:
NO. We have five hours invested in this game!

Freddie:
We are not stopping until we guess what we are!

Sam:
(to Spencer) You're cheese.

Carly:
(to Freddie) You're a big toe.

Freddie:
OH!

Spencer:
DANG IT! (Carly and Sam walk away, as he and Freddie put on new cards)

Freddie:
AM I A SQUIRREL?!

Spencer:
NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Sam:
Holy chiz on a chizzle!

Carly:
What?

Sam:
Spencer Shay of Seattle died of natural causes last Saturday.

Carly:
It doesn't say that! (takes the paper from Sam) ...It says that!

Spencer:
(takes the paper) NICE! First they insult my art, and THEN they call me dead! Which incidentally, I'm not!

Carly:
What's wrong?

Freddie:
Gibby texted me ten times today. (he shows Carly and Sam his PearPhone)

Sam:
What'd he text you?

Carly:
"I'm going to make you bleed."

Sam:
"On Friday."

Carly:
"At 3:02."

Sam:
"I love you, Mom."

Carly:
"Wait, that last text wasn't for you, it was for my mom." ...Well, that's what you get for macking on his girlfriend!

Freddie:
Gibby, this thing has gotten way outta- [Gibby smacks the coffee out of Freddie's hand] That was a Chai latte.

Gibby:
Well, I'm gonna make you a DIE latte. [Freddie looks confused] Yeah. I said it!

Freddie:
Nothing happened between me and Tasha! We were just talking and she--

Gibby:
And you lost control and tried to kiss her up! I'm gonna break you.

Carly:
(while Veronica sees that Spencer is still alive) Why am I enjoying this?

[After Freddie shows Gibby the video of Tasha tripping and falling on him.]

Gibby:
I'm sorry I acted so turdy. [Holds out his hand] Bros?

Freddie:
[Shakes Gibby's hand] Bros.

(after Gibby and Tasha leave)

Freddie:
HOW... does HE get HER?

Sam:
There's gotta be something wrong with that chick.

Carly:
Oh, come on. Gibby's sweet, and cute, and fun, and-- there's gotta be something wrong with that chick!

Carly:
AND NOW!

Sam:
We take our buckets...

Carly:
And do THIS! (she and Sam both drop their foamy water on a laptop) And that's the PROPER way...

Sam:
To clean your parents' laptop!

Spencer:
Hey, have you ever tried Oystamato?

Carly:
No.

Spencer:
WORST DRINK EVER! It's a blend of tomato juice and oyster juice.

Carly:
You hate tomatoes AND oysters.

Spencer:
I know.

Carly:
So, what made you think you'd like a blend of their juices?

Spencer:
I didn't think it through.

Carly:
You never told him that you dropped out of law school?

Spencer:
Daddy's very busy!

Carly:
I smashed a window and fled from our space pod.

Spencer:
Aw.

Carly:
Blanton said if I did that up in outer space, my eyes would've been sucked out of my head and that'd be bad for his business.

Spencer:
He has a point.

Director:
Ginger, what are you doing?

Ginger:
[with blue cheese dressing] Washin' my hair.

Director:
That's not even shampoo. That's blue cheese dressing.

Ginger:
Get out of my bathroom!

Sam:
That chick's a disaster.

Freddie:
So where are the groceries?

Sam:
You left them at the donut shop.

Spencer:
No... (starts to leave)

Freddie:
Where 'ya going?

Spencer:
To the donut shop...

Carly:
I'm so mean. Do you see what pressure does to me? It brings out my mean.

Freddie:
Alright, let's think. We have a talentless woman who can't sing, can't dance, and looks terrible.

Carly:
Ooooh, this thinking's fun.

Director:
Where's Ginger?

Dancer:
She's back there using the bathroom.

Director:
There's a bathroom back there?

Dancer:
[shakes head] No.

Carly:
Here we go.

Freddie:
Cross your fingers.

Sam:
Can I get a sandwich?

Carly:
Ginger Fox has no talent!

Freddie:
She can't do anything!

Sam:
Maybe it's best they don't know.

Spencer:
I feel like I kissed Gibby.

Employee:
Hey, Miranda. Cucumber or brick?

Miranda:
...Brick.

Employee:
We're going with the brick.

???:
Miranda likes the brick!

Nathan:
Well I thought you might want a snack, so I took some raisin bread, put a little butter and toast on it, then...I put a little butter and toast on it, then cinnamoned it. (Victoria laughs)

Nathan:
I don't bluff! ...Okay, I was bluffing when I say I don't bluff, but I'm...serious about quitting! (laughs and points at the camera) That was it!

Jennette:
Gibby turns me down! Like I'm not good enough for that shirtless potato! (stopwatch goes off) Just...shoot! (laughs)

Jennette:
Why does he have two bullet holes in his eyes?

Miranda:
Those are his eyes?

Jennette:
That was...not right.

Jerry:
You know as well as I do, that when you're making a TV show, sometimes things just don't happen the way they're supposed to.

Miranda:
That's probably what's in this clip package. See? "Things That Didn't Happen The Way They Were Supposed To." Should I click it?

Jerry:
I think you have to.

Jerry:
You know what really wastes time on set?

Miranda:
What?

Jerry:
Everyone acting all silly, and being goofy, and laughing, and just being unprofessional!

Miranda:
I think you're exaggerating.

Jerry:
No...here, let's watch this clip, labeled "Everyone Acting All Silly, And Being Goofy, And Laughing, And Just Being Unprofessional."

Jerry:
Dan sent me some directions via text message. (his phone rings) Let me clear this message here...I will act better.

Victoria:
(after kicking Jerry to the floor) I'm sorry! (laughs)

Jerry:
She kicked me and she started talking to people!

Noah:
"If Spencer tries to be lazy, throw coffee in his face to perk him up." No, sorry.

Jerry:
Really? She said that? Coffee?

Noah:
"Throw water in his face to perk him up."

Noah:
Check out what it says if I play every fourth word.

Ethan:
Happy birthday!

Noah:
(laughs) What...

Reed:
THIS IS A MOCKERY! EAT POPCORN! (laughs) Oh, no, don't eat popcorn!

Miranda:
"Carly's a chicken, Carly's lame, Carly's...Carly." Sorry. (laughs) I forgot my name.

Jennette:
(turns to camera) I'm Carly.. I'm not Carly. (turns back)

Miranda:
His last words were, "Why, Miles, why?"

Jennette:
His name's Oliver. (Miranda laughs)

Spencer:
She's a very sophisticated woman. I can't have her thinking I spend my time hanging with teenagers doing goofy stuff!

Carly:
That's like, all you do!

Spencer:
Yeah, but I can't have her thinking that! She wears pantyhose!

[As Gibby, who is sitting on a chair, puts on his sock, Carly picks up a bean bag chair and throws it aside. She picks up two water bottles.]

Gibby:
Hey, Carly.

Carly:
Yeah?

Gibby:
Um– [Points on his foot] –is it weird if a guy grows hair between his toes?

Carly:
Why? Do you?

Gibby:
No.

Freddie:
[Runs in] Carly! Did you see Sam's email?

Carly:
No, what email?

Freddie:
She's in jail!

[Gibby stands up.]

Carly:
What? What happened?

Freddie:
[Shows Carly something on his phone] She was at the jiffy mart, buying a snack, and a guy cut in front of her. So she shoved a hot chili dog down his pants, and it turns out the guy was an ambassador from Mexico.

Carly:
[Groans angrily] Sam! So then what happened?

Freddie:
He yelled– [Speaks in Spanish] "Los frijoles calientes quema mis pantalones! Ohhhhh!"

Carly:
No! I mean, with Sam!

Freddie:
[Speaks in English] Oh. Uh, the cops showed up and took her down to juvie.

[Carly groans angrily.]

Freddie:
Her mom's on her way there, but Sam says there's no way she's getting out till tomorrow.

Gibby:
So you're canceling iCarly?

Freddie:
Well, I don't see how we're gonna be able to do the show–

Carly:
No, we're not canceling iCarly. We've never canceled the show, and my dad's watching it live tonight for the first time.

Gibby:
[Confused] I thought Spencer was your dad.

Carly:
[Annoyed] Gibby!

Freddie:
Well, how are we gonna do the show without Sam?

Carly:
[Gets an idea] Spencer!

[As Carly and Freddie run out of the studio, Gibby picks up scissors, sits down on the chair, and takes off his sock.]

Gibby:
Normal, here I come. [Starts cutting hair between his toes]

Carly:
(talking very fast) Freddie says "In 5, 4, 3, 2…", then points at us, then we introduce the show. Then after that we go to that wheel over there and do a bit called "Put that in your man purse", which you don't know about but just play along and you'll figure it out as we go.

Spencer:
Why doesn't Freddie say "in five, four, three, two, one"?

Carly:
No one knows!

Freddie:
I know.

Carly:
No one cares! Now hurry, take your jacket and glasses off!

Spencer:
But I look so sophisticated.

Carly:
This is iCarly! We don't do sophisticated! (slaps Spencer lightly)

[Gibby comes downstairs. He walks over to the sink, turns on the water, and starts washing his mouth out as Candace, who is sitting at the table, watches on. Gibby picks up the nozzle and uses it to wash his mouth. He puts down the nozzle and turns off the water. Gibby picks up the cloth and uses it to wipe his mouth. He puts down the cloth, then takes off his shirt and throws it down.]

Gibby:
[Notices Candace] 'Sup?

Candace:
Hi.

[As Gibby goes upstairs, Candace sits looking confused.]

[Spencer runs out of the studio. He passes by Gibby, who is buttoning his new shirt while walking into the studio.]

Carly:
Okay, after the wet hair thing, play a couple more clips while I set up for "Hey, what am I licking?"

Freddie:
'Kay.

Gibby:
Who's gonna be the licker?

Carly:
You. [Pulls Gibby away]

Gibby:
[Excited] Awesome!

Ms. Briggs:
So...YOU took my bullhorn!

Freddie:
No...no! See, Sam was the one who-

Ms. Briggs:
(grabs Freddie, drags him and yells into her bullhorn) COME WITH ME!

Freddie:
LOUD!

Freddie:
Do you see anything?

Carly:
Just trees. And some bushes... and two squirrels wrestling!

Freddie:
... Carly...

Carly:
Yeah?

Freddie:
They're not wrestling...

Carly:
... Oh...

Spencer:
Hey, did you see those squirrels?

Carly:
(very quickly) Don't talk about it!

Spencer:
I don't think a 7-foot beastman is gonna be afraid of a 160-pound spazzy artist.

Spencer:
At least the fall made the water come out off my ear... and some blood.

Sam:
Ohhhhhhh, it hurts!

Carly:
What?

Sam:
The sound of Freddie talking!

Sam:
*pulls off Dr. Van Gurbin's Bigfoot mask*

Dr. Van Gurbin:
Hey!

Carly:
Dr. Van Gurbin?

Freddie:
Well, this is a Scooby Doo moment.

Dr. Van Gurbin:
I'm so sorry. See, my book wasn't selling well, and my dad always told me I would be a failure.

Sam:
Your dad was right.

Freddie:
So you dressed up like Bigfoot just to create hype?

Dr. Van Gurbin:
Yes. So people would buy my new book. [takes out his book] Bigfoot.

[Sam smacks the book out off his hands]

Dr. Van Gurbin:
I had that coming.

[Spencer is making a sandwich.]

Spencer:
[Spreads mayo on the sandwich] Little mayyyyyo. [Squeezes mustard on the sandwich] Some mustarrrrrd. [Puts turkey breast on the sandwich] Some turkey breastess. [Swats away a fly, then puts a slice of tomato on the sandwich] Slice of tomato. [Swats away the fly, then takes out a piece of lettuce] A little iceberg– [Uses the piece of lettuce to swat at the fly] –off the port bow. [Puts the piece of lettuce on the sandwich, then swats at the fly] Back off, jerk! [To Carly, who is upstairs] Carly! Where's the fly swatter?

Carly:
[From upstairs] I threw it away.

Spencer:
Why?

Carly:
[From upstairs] 'Cause it's not nice to kill things.

Spencer:
[To Carly] Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. [To the fly] I'm gonna kill you so hard. [Accidentally sweeps the food off the table]

Carly:
[From upstairs] What are you doing?

Spencer:
[To Carly] Nothing! Just reading the Bible! This pharaoh guy's really giving Moses a hard time.

[The fly lands on the counter top.]

Spencer:
Oh. You wanna rest there for a minute, Mr. Fly? Okay, that's cool. [Takes an umbrella] It's a comfy counter top, isn't it? [Raises the umbrella] Don't mind me. I'm not gonna kill you with an umbrella or anything. It's just that today's weather forecast calls for DEATH!!! [Accidentally breaks off a piece of the counter top with the umbrella] Aw! Dang it! [Picks up the piece] You made me break the counter top!

Spencer:
I was reading this Bible.

Carly:
This is a Mexican cookbook.

Spencer:
We can still learn from it.

Sam:
[Notices the broken piece of the counter top] How'd the counter get broken?

Spencer:
Some lady came and–

Carly:
[Takes the umbrella, realizes] You were trying to kill the fly!

Spencer:
Flies like to die.

[Carly grunts at Spencer. Spencer takes the umbrella from Carly and grunts back at her.]

Freddie:
It's a natural pose.

Sam:
Of course it is. I do this all the time, don't you, Carls?

Carly:
Yeah, I find it both natural and not stupid-looking.

Nora (Danielle Morrow):
I don't think you guys will watch this cuz you probably get a bajillion emails a day, but if you are...iCarly is my life.

Sam:
(sing-songy) I see a girlfriend for Freddie!

Sam:
I don't wanna go to Nora Dirshlitt's lame birthday party!

Carly:
That girl has a sad life!

Sam:
So does Freddie! We can't fix the world!

Carly:
When do we go to the bathroom?

Freddie:
That is up to your bladder.

Spencer:
Do girls have bladders?

Carly:
No, we store pee in our feet.

[Gibby knocks on the door.]

Spencer:
[Opens the door] Just a moment! [Opens the door to see that Gibby has arrived holding his sleeping bag] Gibster, what up, little weirdo?

Gibby:
Not much. [Makes his way inside] Carly here?

Spencer:
Nah, she just left with Freddie and Sam for Webicon. You can catch 'em if you hurry down–

Gibby:
No, I don't need to catch 'em. Just wanted to return this sleeping bag. I don't need it anymore. [Throws Spencer the sleeping bag. Spencer catches it] You should probably wash that.

[Spencer throws the sleeping bag on the chair.]

Spencer:
Don't you need that for camp?

Gibby:
Nah, I just found out I'm too old for camp.

Spencer:
Too old?

Gibby:
Yeah, once you turn 15, they won't let you go anymore.

Spencer:
Aw. Well, I know how you feel. I remember when they said I wasn't allowed to go to camp anymore.

Gibby:
'Cause you were too old?

Spencer:
No.

[Beat]

Spencer:
So if you can't go to camp, what are you gonna do?

Gibby:
I don't know. [Sits down on the couch] Sit home, take a bath, watch reruns of Diff'rent Strokes.

Spencer:
Hey. [Closes the door] How would you like to go to camp right here in this apartment?

Gibby:
[Surprised] What you talking about, Spencer?

Spencer:
[Takes a phone] I'm gonna call your mom and tell her you can come to Camp Spencer right here for the next few days.

[Gibby stands up.]

Spencer:
What do you say to that? [Starts to make a call]

Gibby:
[Excited] I say "Dy-no-mite!"

Spencer:
You watch a lot of classic TV?

Gibby:
[Confused] What do you mean?

[Spencer resumes making a call.]

Carly:
Yay, a clown!

Nora:
Yeah, he's 87 years old and his name's Cramps!

[Spencer is looking at the broken countertop when he hears a knock on the door.]

Spencer:
Come in!

Gibby:
[Comes into the apartment wearing a backpack and a lanyard and holding two pillows] Hello, fellow camper!

Spencer:
Hey, Gib. Where's your mom?

Gibby:
She dropped me off. [Closes the door]

Spencer:
Aw. She didn't wanna come up and see me?

Gibby:
Nope.

Spencer:
Okay. [Sees the lanyard on Gibby's neck] Whoa! Nice lanyard. [Takes a look at the lanyard]

Gibby:
Thanks. Made it at camp last year.

Spencer:
Shut up!

Gibby:
True chiz!

Spencer:
Awesome!

Gibby:
[Takes off his backpack and puts it down on the couch] So what's our first camp activity?

Spencer:
Uh– I was gonna plan some stuff, but then I got stuck working on this countertop all day– [Picks up the piece of the countertop and shows it to Gibby] –and it's still not fixed.

Gibby:
No problem. Let's fix the countertop together, then start camp.

Spencer:
[Puts down the piece] Who's awesome?

Gibby:
Gibby!

Spencer:
Yeah!

[Spencer and Gibby high five.]

Carly:
I'm really sorry your clown had an aneurysm.

Sam:
I'm sorry he had an aneurysm while I was dancin' with him.

Carly:
If you just heard a large crack, that was my heart breaking.

[Gibby sits on a chair backwards sipping from a bottle while Spencer paints glue on the piece of the countertop.]

Gibby:
[Puts down the bottle] Spence. I don't mean to be rude, but– [Angrily] –I've been sittin' here for two hours doing NOTHING!

Spencer:
I know, I'm sorry.

Gibby:
[Stands up] You said this would be like camp. How long is it gonna take you to fix that countertop?

Spencer:
[Finishes painting glue on the piece of the countertop] It's done. [Puts the paintbrush on top of the bucket]

Gibby:
It is?

Spencer:
I just applied the lacquer. [Puts down the cloth] Now, I test it– [Picks up the bottle] –by setting this bottle right here on the previously broken corner. [Puts down the bottle on the piece of the countertop]

Gibby:
Nice work!

Spencer:
Thanks!

Gibby:
Time for camp?

Spencer:
Yep. [Picks up the bottle, but the glue has glued the piece of the countertop to the bottom of the bottle] I was thinkin' we could start with– [Realizes that the glue has glued the piece of the countertop to the bottom of the bottle and gets exasperated]

Gibby:
Maybe you should've waited longer for it to dry.

Spencer:
Really? [Shrugs]

[Spencer is drilling under the bottom of the countertop while Gibby eats a banana while swinging his lanyard.]

Gibby:
[Angrily] You really gotta take the whole countertop off?

Spencer:
Yeah, I told you, I need to set it on its side so I can epoxy the corner back on and secure it with clamps 'till the epoxy dries.

Gibby:
And then, we get to do camp stuff?

Spencer:
I promise. Now come on and help me lift the counter off.

[Gibby puts down his lanyard and banana on the table.]

Spencer:
On lift.

[Spencer and Gibby grab both sides of the countertop.]

Nora:
Can I help you?

Gibby:
[Too shocked to see Nora face to face] Uh, yeah. My name is Gibby.

Nora:
Oh yes. I recognize you from your appearances on ICarly.

Gibby:
Thanks, The show's a lot of fun. Anyway, I was wondering do you have Carly, Sam and Freddie trapped here?

Nora:
[Lying under suspicion] No. Good day.

Gibby:
Wait! are you sure they're not here?

Nora:
[irate and impatient] Yes, there is no one in my basement.

Gibby:
[in a suspicious tone] I didn't say anything about your basement.

Nora:
[pauses for a moment and became fearful] NO ONE SEES THE WIZARD! [she then slams the door]

Gibby:
Okay. No problem. I'll just– GO AWAAAAY! [crashes through Nora's front door]

Nora:
[screams in pure fright and rage] GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!

Gibby:
WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?!

Carly:
What are you doing?

Freddie:
She's either cooling herself, or eating your frozen pizzas. Probably both.

Carly:
[she walks up to the freezer, turns Sam to her and sees a slice of frozen pizza in her mouth] Oh, my God! You are eating my frozen pizza!

Spencer:
It is a 15-kilowatt liquid propane generator with a 990 cc Pro-Guard 35 horsepower V-V twin engine, yeah I said all that.

Mrs. Benson:
When the temperature gets too high, the elderly will start to die!

Spencer:
Wow, that's a creepy rhyme.

Sam:
So what is it I'm supposed to do, which we all know I'm not gonna?

Sam:
Carly, come rub my neck.

Carly:
I have to go work on my project.

Sam:
Freddie, come rub my neck.

Freddie:
Yeah, that'll happen.

Carly:
(after Sabrina accidentally destroys her Utopian society) ...And now, I have angina!