JAG, Season 3

Lt. Roberts:
Yours is not to reason why, yours is but...to do research.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Harm, Bud's been at it nonstop for 32 hours and 24 minutes.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
How do you do that?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
My mother's Swiss.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
I wouldn't have bet anyone can confine you to a hospital bed for two days.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
I slept the first day. After that the nurse threatened to tie me down if I so much as stuck my nose out the door.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Ooh, kinky.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Yellow light, Major.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Oh, c'mon, Harm. Haven't we reached the point where we can drop the traffic signals?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Absolutely. I ever tell you why a female Marine is like the energizer bunny?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
On second thought, let's not.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
You willing to let all this come out at trial?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
What, that your client is a liar and an adulterer?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
That my client is a victim of selective prosecution. I checked the records, Mac. There were four other male officers at Camp Pendleton guilty of the same infraction as Lt. Gilbert. None of those cases went to court. One officer was transferred to another command, two received reprimands, and the fourth left the service with an honorable discharge. There's a different set of rules for Lt. Gilbert because she is a woman.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Well, how many of them were given a direct order to stop the affair?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
None! That's my point. C'mon, Mac, give her a break.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Harm, I may want to give her a break, but that is not my job. (mimicking Harm's statement from earlier:) 'Lt. Gilbert deserves a full and fair hearing just like everyone else, no matter how the chips fall, no special pleading, and no playing the gender card.'

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
You remember everything I say?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Only the good stuff.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
So, you wanna tell me about Col. Farrow?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
He was CO of Headquarters in Okinawa. I was his admin officer. How'd you know?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Your mouth does a funny little upturn thing when you're hiding something. So what's he like?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Excellent leader, honorable man. Overall, an outstanding officer.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
What else?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
What, what else?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Your mouth's doing that funny thing again.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Col. Farrow is the reason I'm a lawyer. The corps put me through law school based on his recommendation.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
That's it?

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
What are you looking for?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Nothing. I just wanna make sure we're entering this inquiry with an open mind.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
My mind's open. (walks into her office, closes the door, but opens it again sticking her head out) But if the politicians want a scapegoat, I'll be damned if I give them Col. Farrow.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Just as long as you have an open mind.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
You could've told me.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
There was no time.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
You've been running this case without me from the get-go.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
I know you're emotionally involved.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
When have emotions ever stopped me from doing my job?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Well, they certainly didn't stop you today. Nice save on that sidebar.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Thank you.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Maybe I didn't give you benefit of the doubt.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
No, you didn't.

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Well, I know one thing. I'd rather have you on my team than oppose me.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Is that an apology?

Lt. Cmdr. Harmon 'Harm' Rabb:
Consider it more an acknowledgment.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
Acknowledgment accepted.

Admiral A.J. Chegwidden:
First year law student mistake. Never ask a witness a question you don't know the answer to.

Maj. Sarah 'Mac' MacKenzie:
He knew, Sir. He knew.

Harm:
He told me he wouldn't say anything unless I was screwing up, right? Ten minutes into the flight I haven't heard anything. I figure I'm acing it, right? Suddenly he clobbers me on the back of the helmet with his flight stick.

Harm:
How you feeling, Major?

Mac:
Lighter. I apologize for all the flying jokes I ever made.How many G's was that? Twelve million?

Harm:
Seven G's.

Harm:
Ted Lanier deserves to know the truth about the death of his family. I owe him that as a human being, as a representative of my country, and as a man who hopes to one day have a wife and child of his own.

Mac:
Bud, did you get the lab report on the Jelke court martial?

Bud:
Yes, ma'am. It's on your desk.

Mac:
Oh, bad idea, Bud.

Bud:
Why, ma'am?

Mac:
Don't put things on my desk. I'll never find them.

Bud:
Where should I put them?

Mac:
Not on my desk!

Harm:
There was a prisoner-of-war camp there in '70.

Willie:
Now, how would you know that, commander? You'd be barely old enough to tie your shoes.

Harm:
My father's MIA. I've been looking for him since I was old enough to tie my shoes.

Harm:
(about his Dad) He was a strong man. Once on a fishing trip, he accidentally fell on a scaling knife. We were miles from any hospital. I watched him sew the wound up with a bass hook. He didn't wanna frighten me, so he told me shaggy dog stories while he was doing it.

Willie:
You and your father must have had some relationship.

Harm:
I didn't know him that long.

Willie:
Well, he sure had a major influence on you.

Harm:
Most parents influence their children. Your father, I take it, was a liar.

Willie:
I grew up in foster homes.

Harm:
Well, that would give you a reason to resent those who came from stable ones.

Harm:
You didn't murder those men, Roscoe. You need to let go of it.

Willie:
I'll tell you what, commander,you stop looking for your father and I'll let go of it. You see, we're the same, both obsessed in different ways. You keep searching for a place that I can never leave. It's supposed to be about starting over, beginning a new circle. Can you do that?

Harm:
You have your closure, Roscoe. I need to find mine.

Harm:
(speaking to Bud while he is eating a doughnut) Doughnut

Bud:
Power Nut

Harm:
Excuse Me?

Bud:
No, not you sir the doughnut

Bud:
The earliest recorded disappearance of a United States vessel inside the Bermuda Triangle goes way back to March, 1918. The USS Cyclops vanished without a trace.

Harm:
Same thing's been known to happen to superstitious lieutenants.

Harm:
He may still be out there somewhere, Mac.

Mac:
Commander Douglas or your father?

Harm:
Commander Douglas. You think I'm obsessing about my dad since I found that list, don't you?

Mac:
No. You were obsessing before you found the list. And you have every right, Harm. Learning the North Vietnamese sent him to Russia only intensified it. I just hope you realize that if we find Commander Douglas, it isn't gonna give you closure with your father.

Harm:
Only finding my dad will do that.

Mac:
Well, you're not alone, Harm. In one way or another, we're all searching for something.

Harm.:
Oh yeah? What are you searching for?

Mac:
What every woman wants. A great career, a good man, and comfortable shoes, lots and lots of them.

Harm:
Is that where Dalton Lowne comes in?

Mac:
Are you kidding? His shoes are way too big. I mean, have you see the size of that man's feet?

Harm:
I just hope you're not gonna do something stupid, Mac.

Mac:
Why, Harm, are you afraid you're gonna lose me?

Harm:
I just...hate having to break in new partners, you know?

Mac:
You know, for a second there, I thought we were gonna have a Hallmark moment.

Harm:
You know when the Admiral first told me he was partnering me with a Marine major I had these visions of a tattooed, jarhead, challenging me to arm wrestle at lunch.

Mac:
Well, I do have a tattoo, I'm a pretty good arm wrestler, and although I don't like the term, I am technically a jarhead.

Harm.:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you have a tattoo? How come I've never seen it? And where would one find this tattoo?

Mac:
[back pedaling fast] I'm afraid that's classified information, my dear.

Harm.:
Oh yeah? You have tattoos!

Bud:
Even when they tell you something, they reserve the right to change their mind at any time. It's that woman's prerogative thing. I mean, what's up with that?

Harm:
I hate that. God, I hate that.

Bud:
Yeah, it's like, I asked Major MacKenzie if she was gonna be leaving JAG, you know, because I've seen the way she looks at Dalton Lowne. And she said no. But she could change her mind at the drop of a hat.

Harm:
She's not going anywhere, Bud.

Bud:
You know, I'm sure Lieutenant Pike and Lieutenant Austin told you the exact same thing before they transferred. I mean, let's face it, commander, you've had lousy luck with women. Partners. The female JAG officers you've been with, in the workplace, sir.

Harm:
Never underestimate the integrity of a Naval aviator.

Seal Motto:
The only easy day was yesterday.

Mac:
Do you want this medal, Rivers?

Rivers:
It's just a trinket.

Mac:
You know, General Patton once said he would sell his soul for the Medal of Honor.

Rivers:
General Patton wasn't a SEAL. We don't do what we do for the ribbons, ma'am. Men die for their buddies. Others die for their country. And some die for no reason at all. But no one, no one I know, ever died for a medal.

Harm:
Well, I would venture a guess, lieutenant, that you have never been married.

Rivers:
If the Navy wanted me to have a wife, they would have issued me one with my dog tags and my seabag.

Harm:
You know, I would have... I would have thought you were a cigar man.

Rivers:
I would be if they didn't taste like goat patties.

Harm:
I like them. Goat patties.

Barrett:
You have a reputation of being quite the pit bull when you want something.

Harm:
Well, I like to think of myself...

Barrett:
I like pit bulls, commander. What I don't like is a bunch of Washington pencil-necks coming into my backyard and dumping into my sandbox.

Mac:
Do you know what the admiral has me doing? Freedom of Information Act request, student loan recovery, delinquent car loans. And Admiral Drake's wife wants clearance to hold a bingo game at Bethesda.

Harm:
A fundraiser?

Mac:
Yep. Why am I doing this? Do you have any idea why Admiral Chegwidden is so mad at me?

Harm:
The same reason we all are, Mac.

Adm. Elgin:
You want to cross swords with me, Chegwidden? Cause if we get into this, you might just find yourself fighting to keep the bars on your sleeve.

Adm. Chegwidden:
Well, I never meet a Seal yet who didn't like a good bar fight, sir.

Harm:
I may not like it, but I'm happy for you. And, hell, it's not like you're going to Afghanistan. I mean, you're taking a job in Washington, right? We'll probably be fighting each other in court again next week.

Mac:
I'd like that.

Harm:
That's because you're a masochist. Hey, don't start crying. If people see the Marines crying, give the Corps a bad name.

Mac:
Permission to hug the commander?

Harm:
Sure. Permission granted.

Mac:
I'm gonna miss you, Harm.

Harm:
I'm gonna miss you too, Sarah. Your ride's here. Nice car.

Mac:
Yeah, but it's no Tomcat.

Harriet:
Did you ever try to make love to a man wearing armour, Major?

Mac:
Does football equipment count?

Harriet:
That was a rhetorical question, I didn't mean...

Mac:
I'm kidding, Harriet.

Harm's lawyer:
Do you think Harm is capable of murder?

Mac:
Under the right circumstances, we're all capable of murder.

Bud:
What do you want me to do, sir?

Harm:
Go home. Forget you saw me.

Bud:
No, seriously, what can I do to help?

Harm:
I'm being serious, Bud. If Admiral Chegwidden found out you were here, you'd be shoveling snow in Yakutsk for three years. Go on.

Bud:
Wait, wait. Don't do this.

Harm:
What?

Bud:
Well, a guy believes in you, trusts you and offers you help, and you just diss him? You can't do that.

Harm:
Take it easy, Bud.

Bud:
I'm your friend. Right now you can use all the friends that you can get. So don't tell me to "Take it easy, Bud,"... sir.

Harm:
Bud, it's because you're my friend that I don't want you to be involved in this.

Bud:
Sir, I've already aided and abetted. I don't know how much more involved I can get.

Harm:
Webb, I don't know whether to thank you or ram your teeth down your throat.

Mac:
My request for resignation?

Adm. Chegwidden:
Got too busy to process it.

Mac:
Thank you, sir. It's good to be back.

Adm. Chegwidden:
That remains to be seen, major.

Harm:
(referring to the Ensign) I'm going to have a psychological evaluation done.

Mac:
Since when does a woman have to be crazy to shoot a man?

Mac:
(explaining why "women's intuition" is a valid defense) Sir, when we leave this building tonight we'll do it in very different ways. You'll get in your car and drive off.I'll walk out and pay attention to shadows and dark corners. The keys will be in my hand for quick access to my car, and in case I need them for a weapon. I don't give it a second thought because it's standard operating procedure every time I leave every building. Women's intuition isn't a joke, it's a matter of survival!

Mac:
(after the Admiral ignores her again) You know, this sucks!

Bud:
Ma'am?

Mac:
I feel like I'm fifteen years old again, getting grounded for stealing cars and drinking! If that's the sort of thing one might get grounded for as a teenager.

Bud:
Hey, the movie's just about to start.

Harriet:
Okay.

(They settle on the bed, and Bud puts the movie on. Their faces go from happy, to shocked and squeamish.)

Harriet:
That's not Free Willy.

Bud:
Yeah. It's 10 o'clock. (Reaches for the movie guide. Hands it to Harriet without looking.) Free Willy.

Harriet:
(Reading the guide.) No, Bud, that's Free the Willy.

Bud:
Huh?

Harm:
Admiral, upon further reflection, I wonder if I might talk to you about what's going on between you and Major MacKenzie.

AJ Chegwidden:
Are you out of your mind?

Harm:
Apparently.

Annie:
(when Harm says he's not dating anyone) Well, I always thought you and Mac would...

Harm:
Mac has a boyfriend.

Annie:
Oh, so you're secretly in love with her.

Annie:
So, what did you two find to talk about?

Josh:
The admiral was a SEAL. He knows three ways to kill someone with his bare hands.

Annie:
Well, that certainly sounds useful.

Webb:
Rabb, why did I have to hear about this from the Baltimore Police? Why didn't you just come to me first?

Harm:
Now, how would I know you had a hand in this, Webb?

Webb:
I have a hand in everything.

Harm:
Do you know what scares me? You know more about computers at your age than I ever will. You know, when I was 10, all I had was a newspaper route, a model airplane and an unbroken string of the X- Men starting at issue one.

Josh:
You still got those?

Harm:
No, when I went to Annapolis, my mom gave them to the kid next door.

Josh:
Bummer.

Harm:
Yeah, total bummer. I'd kill to have them back now. Did I ever tell you about my step-dad?

Josh:
I bet you really hated him.

Harm:
Well, it wasn't quite that bad, you know. But I never gave him a chance.

Josh:
Because he wasn't your dad, right?

Harm:
Yeah. He was a businessman.

Josh:
Ultimate bummer.

Harm:
Yeah, I thought so. But you know what, Josh? He deserved a chance. You saw me kissing your mom, didn't you?

Josh:
I guess.

Harm:
Are you okay with it?

Josh:
You're okay. You're a pilot.

Harm:
Here's what you need to understand, Josh. No matter what happens, your mom will always love you first, best and the most.

Adm. Chegwidden:
You know, major, I think your talents may be wasted in administrative law.

Mac:
I wholeheartedly agree, sir.

Adm. Chegwidden:
Well, shall we start fresh?

Mac:
I'd like that. You know, there's something I've always wanted to do.

Adm. Chegwidden:
What's that? (she kisses him on the cheek) You're not gonna do that a lot, are you, major?

Mac:
No, sir.

Mac:
Wish us luck, sir.

AJ Chegwidden:
Break somebody's legs.

(Harm walks into the kitchen, where AJ and Mac are drinking coffee.)

Harm:
Hey, I gave up cigars last night. (Mac and AJ stay silent.) Any words of encouragement?

AJ Chegwidden:
Don't get fat.

Bud:
Excuse me, gentlemen, ma'am.

AJ Chegwidden:
What is it lieutenant?

Bud:
Is this a bad time, sir?

AJ Chegwidden:
What?

Bud:
We were hoping that you could settle a disagreement that we're having. As you know, we're having a full military wedding.

Harriet:
And he wants me to wear my uniform instead of my dress.

AJ Chegwidden:
Good God, Roberts. Let the woman wear a dress to her own wedding.

Bud:
Yes, sir. And while we're at it, might we get your position on the bunny hop, sir?

AJ Chegwidden:
No.

(Mac arrives at a jail to bail out Bud and Harm.)

Mac:
How does the other guy look, Lieutenant?

Bud:
(Getting to his feet.) Major!

Harm:
(Getting up as well.) She doesn't look as bad as he does.

Mac:
She?

Bud:
It's a long story, ma'am.

Mac:
Well, it better be a good one. And what's your excuse?

Harm:
Well, you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Mac:
Bud, you're getting married in a few hours.

Bud:
I really appreciate you coming down here, Major. I owe you one.

Mac:
One? You two owe me a million. Do you have any idea what the admiral's gonna say when he hears about this?

AJ Chegwidden:
(Walking to the front of the cell.) Oh, I think he'll understand.

Harm:
(speaking to Bud while he is eating a doughnut) Doughnut?

Bud:
Power-nut.

Harm:
Excuse me?

Bud:
Not you, sir. The doughnut.