JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, Part II: Battle Tendency

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
He-llo? Could you say that again? More slowly? In a language I understand? Depending on what you said, I might kick your ass!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
I have a secret weapon for situations such as this.

Smokey Brown:
A secret weapon, really? What kind of weapon?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Why isn't it obvious? Look at his legs Smokey, I basically blew them to smithereens and they still haven't fully healed yet. That's our ticket then.

Smokey Brown:
What does his legs have to do with your weapon?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
My legs are in great shape!

Smokey Brown:
So what are you going to do then?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Run as fast as I can! Make way! Out of the way!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
I've got a plan.

Robert E.O. Speedwagon:
Did I hear you right, JoJo?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Uh-huh. One last all or nothing gambit!

Rudol Von Stroheim:
All or nothing gambit, you say?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Yeah, it's my final move.

Rudol Von Stroheim:
What does it involve?

Smokey Brown:
JoJo, when you say final move, you're not referring to that final move, are you?

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Listen up! This is something you're going to have to do for yourself!

Rudol Von Stroheim:
Just tell me what I have to do, and I'll follow your lead, JoJo!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
(chuckles) Run for your life!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Why didn't you destroy Caesar's bubble of blood, that carried his bandanna and ring, knowing full well that they posed a serious threat to you? Was that pity?

Wamuu:
It was because that man, was a worthy and noble warrior. He deserved to be honored for that. (gasp)

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
What you'll say next is: "JoJo you can't mean?!"

Wamuu:
JoJo you can't mean?!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Yes I do, Wamuu. The honor you showed my friend, Caesar's warrior spirit, earned your respect. So in return, I wanted to find a way to honor YOUR warrior spirit. My blood is a tribute to you.

Wamuu:
(chuckles) You beat me, JoJo. And as a warrior, it appears you stand taller than I do.

Straizo:
That should be-

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
I know what you'll say next:

Both:
About as easy as taking candy from a baby!

Joseph 'JoJo' Joestar:
Next thing you'll say is: "How could he possibly be alive with that hole in his head?!" Am I, right?

Straitzo:
But- but how could he possibly be alive with that hole in his head?! (gasp)

Wamuu:
It's not because of sentiment, I told Caesar this as well, to me, only the strong truly existed. Victory was the single quality to be admired. I existed only according to MY own code of honor. JoJo, please understand, to me immortality was something utterly unimportant and trivial. All that has ever mattered to me was living up to my code.

Wamuu:
I have no regrets. I'm glad I was able to witness your growth as a warrior. Perhaps.... The reason I lived all these thousands of years, was so that I could meet you at the end. Farewell to you, warrior JoJo.

Caesar Zeppeli:
I'm not afraid to die here. But I am a proud member of the Zeppeli family. So you see, it's in my blood. Something like this might mean absolutely nothing to a demented and inhuman monster like you. My father didn't recognize me, but he sacrificed his life to save mine anyway. My grandfather gave his Hamon energy to save JoJo's grandfather, right before he died. It's tradition, I have to do something. I can't let my life's flame, just flatter out to darkness. This the Zeppeli family spirit! Handed down from the past to ensure the family's future! It's the human spirit! JoJo! This is the last of my Hamon! Take it from me!

Wamuu:
I'll let it go. But not because I'm sentimental about him. His talent as a fighter is undeniable. He has my deep respect, as a fellow warrior. I will hold you and the last moments we spent together in my memory, Caesar. A man as splendid and as fleeting as the bubbles he conjured.

Wammu:
Become stronger before you decide to face the mighty Wamuu again, child. That way, you can be worthy of my time as I destroy you with honor.

Kars:
I don't intend on being a warrior like Wamuu, nor am I an idle dreamer. I don't care what method I have to use, victory justifies any means!

"go ahead keep mocking me you're incapable of anything else"

Smokey:
D-Do you have a way to beat a monster like this, JoJo?

Joseph:
Yea, I do.

Smokey:
Really? You do?

Joseph:
Yea, I have one last card up my sleeve.

Smokey:
One last card? W-What is it?

Joseph:
I saved this one for last. Look at his legs. They were blown to smithereens and haven't healed yet. That's our ticket.

Smokey:
A-And your last card?

Joseph:
I'll use my own legs.

Smokey:
Use your legs? How?

Joseph:
NIGERUNDAYO!

Speedwagon:
(After saving Speedwagon from crooks) Why can’t you ever just think things through, JoJo?

Young Joseph:
I do, in fact, a great deal. Mostly about how best to keep you and Granny Erina safe. You two are the only family that I’ve got.

Speedwagon:
(Narrator) He may have his grandfather’s face, but he’s far from being a gentleman.

Joseph:
(To cops about to arrest Smoky Brown for pick-pocketing him) As I've said, it was a gift. So why don't you let my friend go, please.

Fat Policeman:
(while picking his nose, taking out a large booger) Then why don't you tell me his name? What's the matter, limey? Do you want to spent a night in an American pokey? Here's a present for ya!

Joseph(after the booger is placed on his cheek):
That's curious. Help me understand, why would you do something like that? It's such an unsavory thing to do.

Fat Policeman (while picking his nose again):
There is no reason! I do what I like, whenever I feel like it, ya fool! But, if when someone wipes a booger on ya face, then it probably means that-

[Joseph punches the fat policeman in the face.]

Joseph:
YOU'VE MADE THE WRONG MOVE, YOU STUPID PIG!!

Fat Policeman (with his finger stuck in his nose):
Gyaaaahhh!!! Take it out. Awww! Take it out!!!

Bearded Policeman:
What?! You're resisting arrest!

[The bearded policeman points his gun at Joseph.]

Joseph:
Heh, go ahead and shoot! But you better be prepared for the consequences. The moment you pull that trigger, I'll break your finger like a rotten matchstick!!

Bearded Policeman:
Not from over there! I'll shoot your damned brains out!

[Joseph uses his Hamon to shoot his coke's bottlecap at the bearded policeman, damaging the man's trigger finger while drinking his soda before freaking out.]

Joseph:
Oh!! I've let my temper get the best of me again! OH CRAP! Granny Erina will be furious!

Smokey (thought):
W-What's with this guy?! He beats up cops and then worries about what his granny will say?!

Smokey:
I don't know what's going on, but you said you gave your wallet to me, a thief and a black man- I owe you one. My name is Smokey. I would like to know your name.

Joseph:
Joestar. Joseph Joestar. My friends call me JoJo. I just moved from London with Granny Erina... Nice to meet you.

Taxi Driver:
Get you head outta ya butt! Now get the hell out of the way!

Joseph (grabs the taxi driver):
Hello there! What? I didn't hear all that. You mind repeating what you just said? Depending on what you said, I might have to give you a pounding!

Erina:
JoJo! What are you doing?

Joseph:
Granny Erina!

Erina:
I've asked what are you doing with that man?

Joseph:
Uh... I was just... huh? ...A taxi. So you wouldn't need to walk so far.

Erina:
You are such a thoughtful boy, JoJo.

[at a restaurant, a racist mobster insults Smokey]

Racist Mobster:
(After a waiter explains Smoky is allowed to eat in the restaurant) What you allow beasts to gaze here, heh?

Smokey Brown:
Guess I should be going... (Joseph keeps Smokey from getting up as he gets ready to fight)

Erina:
JoJo!

Joseph:
You heard him. Come on. You’re not going to tell me to stop, are you?

Erina No. People are entitled to their opinions. But this misbegotten oaf has given public insult to our friend! Be mindful of the other guests, now, but teach him a lesson!

Joseph:
I was hoping you'd say that!

Racist Mobster:
Well now boy, looking for a fight?

Mobster:
(After being tricked into damaging his hand on a coat rack) MY GOOODDD!

Joseph:
My brain can predict any move you make! Do you get that now, you simpleton?

Erina:
I don't want you snared by evil from half a century ago.

Joseph:
It will be alright. If this is my fate, I'll accept it fully.

Straizo:
Even if it is in public, I will kill you before you can become a threat!

Joseph:
Or perhaps not. (guns down Straizo) Yes, I was awaiting you, Straizo. That was on behalf of Speedwagon. But I don’t think you’ll go down so easily. Our war has begun!

[After gunning Straizo down with a tommy gun.]

Joseph:
Straizo! I'm going to give you choice on how to die! By sunlight, or by Hamon! Or maybe I should beat your brains in?! How do you feel about that?

Joseph:
But do you think I rely on a gimmick like Hamon?

[Joseph makes a dash towards the window, yanking a grenade he placed on Straizo's scarf]

Straizo:
(knocks the grenade off) Child's play!

Joseph:
(While jumping out of the window) Sure, but I was still able to pull one over on you, wasn't I? And you should take a look at the grenade you just knocked away.

Straizo (finds a multitude of grenades on his cape):
You son of a- (blown to bits)

Joseph:
(After evading the explosion) That was a close one.

Joseph (mortally wounding Straizo):
Give my regards to Speedwagon...IN HELL! [Knocks Straizo over the bridge] Granny should be able to sleep well tonight, finally.

Straizo:
Joseph! You are fated to meet "him" soon. You will understand "his" identity and the true meaning of evolution! Your destiny has already been written...

[Straizo's body begins to crack as the Hamon contained is released]

Straizo:
There is nothing I regret, Joseph. All this time I planned on entering Hell while still vibrant and filled with energy, not as some withered, desiccated corpse. I cannot tell you the ecstasy I have felt in being young again.

Joseph:
Straizo, wait. Not yet! I need to know more!

Straizo:
Farewell to you, JoJo!

Rudol von Stroheim:
GERMAN SCIENCE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD! DON'T YOU THINK? WE CAN DO ANYTHING!

Rudol von Stroheim (laughing hysterically from Santana tripping himself):
"Ultimate lifeform?" More like "Ultimate idiot."

Santana:
Major...Rudol...Rudol von Stroheim.

Joseph (poorly disguised as a woman):
"All I got under my skirt is more tequila, big boy."

Joseph:
You're it!

Speedwagon:
Destroy him.

Joseph:
Happy! Joy! Nice to meetcha! How you pose for me? Show me happy. Show me silly. Now how about you show those pearly whites?

Santana:
You are playing games with me primitive? I do not want to play.

Joseph:
(After Santana attacks him) Now I'm in the mood! One Hamon knuckle sandwich coming up!

Rudol von Stroheim:
(Ordering Joseph to chop his leg off to expose Santana to sunlight) I'm a proud servant of the German Army! I am prepared to do my duty! I would proudly give a few legs for the sake of the Fatherland! Do it now, Joestar!

Rudol von Stroheim:
(Detonates a grenade to force Santana out of his body) Farewell, you annoying English man!

[Stroheim blows himself up to expose Santana to the sunlight]

Joseph:
Damn that crazy German and his honor! (sees Santana) SANTANA!

Santana (Charges JoJo):
YOU ANNOY ME, PRIMITIVE! I WILL DESTROY YOU!

[Knocks Joseph over the well]

Santana:
WHY DO YOU RESIST!

Joseph:
Next you will say, "I've seen right through you, Joestar."

Santana:
I'VE SEEN RIGHT THROUGH YOU, JOESTAR! Wha?

Joseph:
Santana's a statue again, and we finally got that smile.

Caesar:
We Italians value family above all others.

Caesar:
(While playing cards) I saw that, JoJo. Deal the cards right. Only cowards cheat.

Joseph:
Huh? Whatever do you -- [Caesar grabs his wrist]

Caesar:
Deal the cards properly, Joestar, or play elsewhere! [Caesar shakes Joseph's wrist, causing about a dozen cards to start spilling out of his sleeve]

Joseph:
Huh... fancy that. Well, that didn't work!

Caesar:
Pathetic. You should be ashamed that you have to resort to cheating and gimmicks to beat me!

Joseph:
You really are serious about cleanliness... [he pulls Caesar's leg onto the table, where we can see something placed on top of his shoe] This mirror is spotless!

Caesar:
STOP PROVOKING ME, JOESTAR!

Joseph:
OH, I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED!

Wamuu:
I see much has changed since I've slumbered. But your illuminations will not stop me.

[kills the guards before approaching Kars and Esidisi.]

Wamuu:
Now, the time has come! Awaken, my masters!

Joseph (sing song):
I've been working on my Hamon. All the live-long day.

Caesar:
He is insane!

Joseph (while beating Wamuu with his clackers):
This for killing Caesar's friend! This for not taking me seriously! AND THIS IS ME NOT LIKING YOUR UGLY FACE!

Wamuu:
(turning around to see Joseph, crawling away behind the Pillar Man's back, pretending to be dead) I must be imagining things...

Esidisi:
Well, that was fun.

Kars:
Let us keep moving. Apparently the human race has regressed rather than evolved.

Wamuu:
Quite an understatement.

[After the Pillar men take their leave.]

Joseph What the hell! Two poisoned wedding rings. One on my heart and the other on my wind pipe. Do they think I'm some sort of bigamist or- (faints)

Joseph:
OH MY GOD! What was I thinking a month. I should have asked for a year.

Caesar:
Jojo, a bit of advice: Stop screwing around and grow up!

Joseph:
OH NO! The two phrases I hate the most are "hard work" and "work hard!"

Lisa Lisa:
If you are willing to learn Hamon within a month, you must be willing to die for it!

Esidisi:
What a piercing gaze you've developed! But when somebody gives me a challenging look, they're asking for death.

Joseph:
"Victory is assured before the battle is even fought."

Esidici:
You speak of Sun Tzu? I know him personally, having studied him two thousand years ago. "All war is deception. Hence, when we are able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must appear inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near."

Esidisi:
Wamuu's Divine Sandstorm allows him manipulation over the wind, I have power over the inferno.

Esidisi:
Joseph, the next line you'll say is, "I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face!" Watch.

Joseph:
I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face! Wha? Wait a second, you can't do that! That's my trick!

Esidisi:
You said, "Victory is assured before the battle is even fought." Well, it's true..True..TRUE!

[Joseph starts laughing.]

Esidisi:
Are you really laughing as I'm about to deal you an excruciating death? Have you been driven completely insane by the fear?

Joseph:
Well, let's see here. You'll notice my arms are folded and my eyes are closed, so this laugh would be one of victory, Esidisi. You're the loser here today because for the last 2000 years, you have been asleep at the wheel.

Esidisi:
I lost?! What do you mean by that?!

Joseph:
Oh, really? You don't get it? You can't read me as clearly as you thought you could? Let me help you understand just how badly you've underestimated me. You said that your plans went deep, well, they didn't go nearly as deep as mine. While you were snoozing for the past 2000 years, humans have progressed. During the 18th and 19th centuries, Legerdemain, or sleight of hand became a very popular form of entertainment. I'm a really big fan of myself. Illusion is my thing!

Esidisi:
But... I cut all those strings! I cut them! It can't be!

Joseph:
I'd say the rope magic worked. I laid my trap carefully, so that even if the string was cut, it would still function. A simple trick. What you’re going to say next is: “My veins will move faster than your pathetic Hamon can possibly go!” Now!

Esidisi:
My veins will move faster than your pathetic Hamon can possibly go!

Joseph:
Now feel the beat of my Hamon Overdrive!

Esidisi:
I can't... I can't... You're only a human. I am the evolved one, the highest life form! I will not be beaten! Now that you've pushed me too far!

[As Esidisi's body explodes.]

Joseph:
Esidisi's body is shooting some kind of strange energy. That must come from living for Millennia. Die already! Die with the power of life you stole from thousands of innocent human beings! My instructor, I thank you for torturing me. Mille Grazie to you, Loggins.

Joseph:
Hey, Suzie Q.

[Suzie Q screams.]

Joseph:
What the hell!?

Suzie Q:
There's a stranger on the island!

Joseph:
It's me, Jojo!

Joseph:
So, what you think?

Suzie Q:
Weird lips.

Joseph:
Well, if we fall madly in love with each other, you can kiss these lips as much as you want.

Suzie Q:
In your dreams!

Joseph:
Well, if I'm gonna be sitting around for 30 minutes, I choose to do it here.

[sits next to Lisa Lisa's door]

Joseph:
Would it to be wrong of me should my eyes happen to gaze through the keyhole?

[looks through and sees a naked Lisa Lisa]

Joseph:
Hoh hoh hoh hooooooooohhh!! NIIIIIIICE!"

Stroholm (to Kars):
YOU UTTER FOOL! GERMAN SCIENCE IS THE GREATEST IN THE WORLD!!!

Kars (to JoJo):
I'll kill you in a moment.

Joseph:
I've changed my mind. If you're going into that derelict hell, I'm coming too.

Wamuu:
You are the bubble user named Caesar Zeppeli. I see from your eyes that you have grown stronger from your ordeals. Very well. I deem you worthy of death, bubble user.

Caesar:
We'll see who dies!

Caesar:
I see you took off your coat and prepared yourself, Wammu.

Caesar:
*While using his Bubble Cutter on Wamuu* Running?

Wamuu:
I will not run nor hide from you!

Wamuu:
The memory of you and our last moments together will be engraved on me forever, Caesar Zeppelli. A man as splendid and fleeting as the bubbles he made.

Joseph:
I swear to avenge your death, Caesar! Your spirit is with me! (seeing blood leaking from the cross-shaped stone that crushed Caesar minutes before they entered the hotel) Blood. His blood. This is...where he fell. Caesar...

Lisa Lisa:
*breaks down in tears* Caesar...

Joseph:
CAAAAEESAAAAARRRRRR!

Narrator:
They were deep in enemy territory. Kars and Wamuu were very nearby, but the two simply couldn't help themselves. JoJo called out Caesar's name. Lisa Lisa's tears flowed freely. But their heartbroken cries of grief were answered only by a cold silence. Caesar...was gone. As they mourned him, they took solace in one simple fact: Though his body had died, his soul would live on through them. Rest in peace... Caesar Zeppeli.

Lisa Lisa (after infecting Wire with Hamon):
Jojo, let's go.

Wired Beck:
Where are you going? (to Joseph) Don't you think females deserve to be punished?

Joseph:
You're the one who's about to be punished. And your time is up. Hamon is coursing through you.

Wired Beck:
Don't be ridiculous, I'm not-- (His body starts to dissolve) AAARGH! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Joseph (Getting on the vampire horse-drawn chariot):
Let's ride!

Joseph:
(Over the vampires cheering Wamuu on): Why do the bad guys get all the fans?

Joseph:
Next, you're going to say, "Don't dishonor our battle, JoJo."

Wamuu:
Don't dishonor our battle, JoJo! Huh!?

Kars:
I am the only one left, because the world and everything on it belong to me.

Kars (to his vampires):
Kill Jojo!

Joseph:
KARS! KARS! KARS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS! (starts fighting vampires.)

Kars:
*making guitar noises while playing with Lisa Lisa's legs*

Joseph:
You utter bastard!

Joseph (After being forced to leave himself open to attack to keep Lisa Lisa alive):
KARS! THERE'S A PLACE FOR YOU IN HELL!

Joseph:
Kars! You lived too long! Your soul has decayed. It's like a pumpkin left to rot in the field. Even the flies avoid it!

Joseph:
You may have lived for thousands of years, Kars. But against the likes of me, you need another decade! YOU'RE THROUGH! HAMON! OOOVEEERDRIIIVEEE!

Stroheim:
He has become the ubermensch!

Kars:
Alpha. Omega. I am now both.

Joseph:
One all-or-nothing gambit!

Stroheim:
All-or-nothing gambit, you say!?

Joseph:
Yeah! It's my final move!

Stroheim:
What does it involve?

Smokey:
JoJo, when you say 'final move', you're not referring to THAT, are you?

Joseph:
Listen up! This is something you've got to do for yourselves!

Stroheim:
Just tell me what to do and I'll follow your lead, JoJo!

Joseph:
Hmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmm... (Grabs the Super Aja while running off) RUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIVEEEESSS!!!!

Smokey (running after Joseph):
AWWWW MAN, I knew you're gonna do thaaaat!!

Kars (turning his arms into wings):
Hamon users are beneath me now. But to avenge Wamuu and Esidisi, I will kill you Joseph Joestar!

Joseph:
You're not the only one who can fly! I'm comin' for you!

Joseph:
Carpe diem as they say.

Kars (while in the magma):
I am still alive!

Kars:
I have conquered the sun. Did you think Hamon was beyond me?

Kars:
Did you plan this too, JoJo?! Tell me!

Joseph (Out loud):
Why are you even asking!? I set a trap and you walked right into it! All of this went down like clockwork! (Monologue) I just got lucky, but thinking I outsmarted him will drive Kars nuts!

Kars:
No! The Earth! No! Don't panic! Just find the Earth. I'll use air to change my trajectory. Once I'm back on solid ground, I will tear that boy apart! (starts to freeze and groan in pain) No! It's not working! I'm freezing! The air is freezing around me! The moment it comes out of the jets, it turns to ice! (Spouts wings, but they freeze while he drifts further as his body freezes over) I can't change my path! I can't move!

Narrator:
So ended Kars, last and greatest of the Pillar Men. His body turned hard as rock and he floated through space for the rest of time, never to return. He wished for death, but there was nothing out there to kill him. The spark of thought within him went dim...and then...silent.

Joseph (After crashing his own funeral and learning his wife failed to alert their friends of his survival):
Suzie Q, what the hell?! You had one job, woman! ONE JOB!

Old man Joseph (kicked a Japanese man in the stomach after learning his nationality while they bumped into each other):
Her son doesn't even see his grandfather. And that's why I'll never forgive the Japanese! (takes out a cassette player) They do make nifty gadgets, though.