Justice League, Season Two

Martian Manhunter:
I was just thinking... you, me, Wonder Woman, Superman - we are all of us orphans and exiles.

Hawkgirl:
Maybe we should call ourselves the "Just Us League."

[Darkseid informs Superman that Brainiac is still alive and is now attacking Apokolips]

Darkseid:
You know his pattern, Kal-El. Once he's finished siphoning the memory banks and technology of my planet...

Superman:
He'll annihilate it. Good.

Hawkgirl:
So what are you saying? You'd sacrifice millions of lives just because you don't like this guy?

Superman:
You don't know Darkseid like I do.

Batman:
We know he used you, humiliated you, brainwashed you, wound you up like a tin soldier and turned you loose against Earth. [Gets right up in Superman's face] Cry me a river. On the outside chance that this isn't one of his schemes, we have to take action--so I suggest you get over it.

Martian Manhunter:
Brainiac has already destroyed countless civilizations and now he threatens another. Do you want this to be the legacy of your people?

Wonder Woman:
Who are you?

Forager:
They call me Forager.

Batman:
Do you know someone named Orion?

Forager:
Orion! I am just an unworthy Bug; Orion is a god who is far above us.

Wonder Woman:
You're too modest. You've shown courage, compassion...

Forager :
No, no, you don't understand! All the gods are far above us. (Points up into the sky towards Supertown.)

Batman:
I'm gonna need a longer grapple.

Brainiac:
Welcome, Kal-El. Once I offered you the chance to join me in carrying on the legacy of Krypton. Today, I renew that offer.

Superman:
You must be joking.

Brainiac:
Why do you reject your great heritage? The entire history of your planet, its knowledge and splendor, its awe and mystery are encoded within me.

Hawkgirl:
Superman, don't -

[Superman stops her]

Brainiac:
I am Krypton.

Superman:
You're a perversion, dishonoring the very memory of my father and all my people.

Brainiac:
And this is your final decision?

Superman:
Read my lips: Go. To-- [Brainiac cuts him off]

Brainiac:
Unfortunate - but predictable.

Highfather:
It's hard, isn't it? But we must lovingly tend our garden if we want it to grow strong and tall.

Sera:
I hate this.

Highfather:
What's wrong, child?

Sera:
I've tried, Highfather, really I have, but look! [Gestures to the small rosebush she's laboring over]

Highfather:
Patience, my dear. Everything has a purpose, and a place.

Sera:
Everything? [Flicks a large caterpillar off of a leaf]

Highfather:
Given time.

Batman:
[to Diana] Next time I let Superman take charge, just hit me. Real hard.

Brainiac:
You deceived me, Darkseid. Used me.

Darkseid:
It's what I do.

Darkseid:
[to Superman] You of all people should know that the universe is filled with chaos, confusion and uncertainty. I will tear it down to nothing, and then rebuild it, bringing order and discipline at last. Think of it, Superman - a new universe created in my image.

[Martian Manhunter is using one of Brainiac's bodies as a shield as he uses the body's arm to shoot at the others.]

Batman:
Having fun?

Martian Manhunter:
Yes.

Darkseid:
Have you forgotten that I've already beaten you, humbled you, broken you? What makes this time any different?

Superman:
Because this time, I'm not stopping until you're just a greasy smear on my fist. Let's go.

Wonder Woman:
Wait! Where is Superman?

Batman:
That idiot! [to others] I'll get him. The rest of you take off. Now!

Darkseid:
[Trapped on an exploding asteroid after Batman forces Superman to abandon their fight] Loser.

[Superman watches the destroyed asteroids in the sky. Batman comes to him]

Batman:
Nothing could have survived that. Not even Darkseid.

Superman:
You know something, Bruce? [turns to Batman and walks right up in his face] You're not always right.

Wonder Woman:
Hera help us!

Green Lantern:
She'd better - no one else can.

Amazo:
[upon scanning Batman] You don't have any powers.

Batman:
I have this. [Pulls out piece of kryptonite. Amazo begins to suffer its effects.] It's a package deal. You get our powers, but you get our weaknesses too.

[Amazo jumps off the building into the sewer.]

Hawkgirl:
You always carry a piece of kryptonite with you?

Batman:
Call it insurance.

Hawkgirl:
And they say I'm scary.

[Martian Manhunter lands in front of Amazo]

Luthor:
You know what to do!

Martian Manhunter:
[calmly] Yes. You know.

[Amazo scans J'onn and gains his abilities]

Luthor:
Nothing can stop you now! You have all their powers!

Martian Manhunter:
Use them well.

[Amazo reads Lex's mind, and realizes that he's been lied to.]

Amazo:
So small, all of you. And so meaningless. There's nothing I want from you anymore. None of you has anything to offer me now.

[Amazo flies into space]

Wonder Woman:
Where did he go?

Martian Manhunter:
Where gods belong.

Lex Luthor:
Oh stop. He's just a machine. I don't care how much power he has, he's no god.

Superman:
Then why do I have a feeling that if he ever comes back, you're going to be doing a lot of praying?

Martian Manhunter:
Perhaps we'll all be praying.

Police Officer:
Hold it right there, Grundy! This is as far as you go!

[Grundy lifts a dumpster.]

Copperhead:
Are you crazy?!

Grundy:
No, MAD!

Copperhead:
I'm so dead...

Copperhead:
[jumps onto Hawkgirl's back] You're flying me outta here now, lady!

[Hawkgirl flies straight up into the air, then stops]

Copperhead:
Well? Get me outta here!

Hawkgirl:
And what if I don't?

Copperhead:
[flicks his tongue] I give you your last kiss...

Hawkgirl:
And you fall forty stories.

[Copperhead looks down in terror]

Hawkgirl:
[smiles] Didn't really think this through, did you?

[Grundy crashes after a huge fall]

Hawkgirl:
[to Copperhead (who's still clinging to her)] He'll live. You won't.

Copperhead:
I'm not scared!

Green Lantern:
Then maybe this'll help: you do anything to her, and you won't even make it to the ground.

Child:
That was some sweet banter, Uncle Flash, but what's a cur?

Flash:
It's... a bad person! I guess...

Child:
Ok... So why didn't you just say that?

Flash:
Well, I...

Child:
And do people really talk so much when they fight?

Flash:
I, uh... Hey! How'd you like a snack?

[After Flash opens the fridge, finding a huge frog inside]

Child:
Where's my food?

The Flash:
Are you French?

Child:
No.

The Flash:
Then, there's no food.

Child:
You'll do. [Boy bites The Flash's left leg]

Doctor Destiny:
Coming here was the mistake of your life. See, the closer I am to someone, the stronger I get. I'll be able to go in your brain, even if you're wide awake.

Batman:
My brain's not a nice place to be.

Doctor Destiny:
You know, I could let you go. You're a distraction now. And as the others who have the real problems. We're like insects to them. They step on us, ruin our lives. And they don't even realise it. But you're different. You don't have any special powers.

Batman:
Oh, I have one, Johnny: I never give up.

Bruce Wayne:
[offering his hand] May I have this dance?

Wonder Woman:
[seizing the escape] Yes!

[He leads her to the dance floor.]

Wonder Woman:
Thank you, Mr...?

Bruce Wayne:
Wayne. Bruce Wayne.

Wonder Woman:
I appreciate the rescue.

Bruce Wayne:
I'm surprised to see you here. From what I've heard, this isn't really your sort of affair.

Wonder Woman:
I've decided to get out more, have a little fun.

Bruce Wayne:
[twirls her] Enjoying yourself so far?

Wonder Woman:
More than I expected. How about you? What brings you to The City Of Lights?

Bruce Wayne:
I never miss a good party. I may also have to attend to some business while I'm in town.

Princess Audrey:
Stay back! You can't approach without my permission!

Militant Kaznian Dissident:
[points a gun at her] Permission, yes?

Bruce Wayne/Wonder Woman:
[simultaneously] Excuse me.

[Bruce starts to hurry away, loosening his tie, but seeing Diana dive into the fight, he re-adjusts it and meanders through the room, dodging the Kaznians that Wonder Woman throws, nibbling on appetizers.]

Batman:
Who are you working for?

Thief:
[in Kaznian] You can't understand a word I'm saying and I wouldn't tell you anything if you could.

Batman:
[in Kaznian] I can... [advances on him menacingly] ...and you will.

Princess Audrey:
[being hounded by paparazzi] Would you be a dear and pummel them mercilessly?

Wonder Woman:
[lifts her into the air] I don't think that'll be necessary. [flies away]

Princess Audrey:
WHOO-HOO!

Princess Audrey:
Don't worry - I won't tell anyone that our great hero has feet of clay.

Wonder Woman:
You have no idea.

Batman:
You're in my way! [Hits Vandal Savage with a chair]

Wonder Woman:
You know, we never did get to finish our dance.

Batman:
[showing no reaction] I don't know what you're talking about.

Wonder Woman:
If you say so. [takes his arm] But you're still taking me dancing.

Flash:
And what about this Katma Tui?

Kilowog:
I'm not sure what happened to her. She was the Green Lantern who trained John.

Hawkgirl:
They must have been close.

Kilowog:
Very close.

[Flash and Kilowog check John's apartment for his power battery; Flash searches the fridge]

Flash:
Bob & Terry's?

[offers Kilowog ice cream; he eats it, container and all]

Kilowog:
Delicious!

Flash:
Riiight. Stick with me big guy, I'll open up a whole new world for you. [Runs over to TV] Hey, check this out! People's exhibit B; Old Yeller.

[Shows Kilowog the videocassette; he eats it.]

Kilowog:
Delicious!

Despero:
Feel the power of my rage! Feel the power of my hate!

Katma:
So, do you still snore?

John:
I wouldn't know.

Katma:
Well, I'd like to stay and relive old times, but...it's the same drill as before.

John:
Duty calls.

Katma:
Duty calls.

[John discovers he can no longer use his ring properly]

Katma:
Then we start over. I trained you once, I can do it again.

John:
Back to basics? I don't think so.

Katma:
The problem with half the Corps, you included, is that once you learn to use your rings like jackhammers, you forget the subtleties of manipulation and control!

John:
I know, I know - "the mind is the weapon, not the metal."

Katma:
At least you remember that much. It's time to relearn what you've learned.

John:
Now you sound like Yoda.

Katma:
Look, you have two choices: let me help you retune your mental disciplines, or you can live with your emerald impotence.

[Flash walks by at the last word]

Flash:
Impotence?

[John and Katma look at him]

Flash:
Right...I-I was just goin' over there...

[Speeds off]

Hawkgirl:
Are you going to need all those power cells?

John:
If that's what it takes. I can still pull my weight, you know. There's more to me than just a fancy ring.

Hawkgirl:
I've always known that, John.

[The Justice League is attacking the White House, with Luthor in the Oval Office]

Lex Luthor:
[to himself] They couldn't see the beauty! No imagination! They'd rather fight!

[Superman bursts into the office]

Superman:
Even this wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to have it all. Now we're on the brink of a war that could destroy the whole planet!

Lex Luthor:
... Could've been so perfect... paradise...

Superman:
And I let it get this far because of the law. And the will of the people.

Lex Luthor:
[laughing] The people?! This is all their fault! And they're gonna burn for it! Burn!

Superman:
You're nothing but a mad dog now, aren't you?

Lex Luthor:
Ooh, a threat! But this old dog still has a few teeth!

[Pulls out a drawer with a control box, and poises his finger above a red button. There is a pause.]

Superman:
There are at least six different ways I can stop you right now.

Lex Luthor:
But they all involve deadly force, don't they? And you don't do that. [Superman is silent] No. You need me. You wouldn't be much of a hero without a villain, and you do love being a hero, don't you? The cheering children, the swooning women - you love it so much, it's made you my most reliable accomplice!

Superman:
Accomplice?! What're you--

Lex Luthor:
You could have crushed me any time you wanted. And it wasn't the law or the will of the people that stopped you - it was your ego. Being a hero was too important to you. You're as much responsible for this as I am! So go ahead, fix it somehow. Put me on trial, lock me up - but I'll beat it. And then we'll start the whole thing all over again.

Superman:
... I did love being a hero. But if this is where it leads... I'm done with it.

[Superman's eyes begin to glow]

[Wonder Woman and Batman rush into the office; they are confronted by the burnt remains of Luthor's desk and (offscreen) Luthor himself. Superman looks out a nearby window.]

Wonder Woman:
[Shocked] Hera...

Batman:
Well, it had to be done.

Wonder Woman:
[Approaching Superman] Are you okay?

Superman:
[Turning to face her, with a unregretting smile] I'm great.

Lord Green Lantern:
I keep expecting him to come zipping in here any minute.

Lord Hawkgirl:
And then say something really stupid, right?

Lord Green Lantern:
Well, there was that.

Lord Hawkgirl:
But when things got serious, so did he. I miss him too, John.

Lord Hawkgirl:
You're sure you don't want to help us out?

Lord Batman:
Too much to do.

Lord Green Lantern:
C'mon, for old time's sake.

Lord Batman:
I hate old times.

[Green Lantern and Hawkgirl arrive at the college protest]

Lord Green Lantern:
Punks.

Lord Hawkgirl:
Remember when everyone liked us?

Lord Green Lantern:
Since when does that matter to you?

Lord Hawkgirl:
Since I started seeing the fear on everyone's face.

Lord Green Lantern:
You want to talk about fear? When I was a kid, I went to bed every night scared that the whole world was going to blow up. That's the way things were back then, and folks just accepted it. They didn't think there could be a better way, well we found one.

Lord Hawkgirl:
So, do you sleep better now?

Lord Green Lantern:
You know I do.

[Lord Superman eating soup with Lois Lane at her Apartment]

Lord Superman:
Cold.

Lois Lane:
It's Gazpacho, it's supposed to be.

Lord Superman:
I wasn't talking about the soup. You gonna tell me what's wrong?

Lois Lane:
After 2 years, you don't know?

Lord Superman:
Here we go.

Lois Lane:
The world's on permanent lock down, free speech is all but dead, and you don't know what's wrong?

Lord Superman:
Lois, we've been over this a thousand times. Why can't you see the bigger picture?

Lois Lane:
I can see just fine, thank you. You're the one who can't see where this is leading.

Lord Superman:
Lois, we're doing everything we can to-- [Lord Superman's Comlink beeps] Just a sec. Yeah?

Lois Lane:
Go ahead, finish. You're doing everything you can to what, make sure everyone bows down, and worship you? Is that it?

Lord Superman:
That's not what we want! Can't you just listen for a second?!

Lord Batman:
Ah, Love. Sorry to interrupt, but I need to see you and the others.

Lord Superman:
I'm busy.

Lord Batman:
Now.

Lord Superman:
I gotta go.

Lois Lane:
We're not done with this.

Lord Superman:
I know. Believe me, I know.

Lois Lane:
You can't just write me off, like-like i'm some kind of hysterical-- [Lois follows Lord Superman out the door but is stopped by two Police Officers ]

Police Officer A:
Sorry Ms. Lane, but you know the rules. No leaving the premises, no unauthorized guests, no phone calls.

Lois Lane:
Can't speak my mind, can't think.

Police Officer B:
It's only temporary, ma'am. They gave us their word.

Lois Lane:
Sucker. [Closes the door]

[Luthor prepares a large gun]

Hawkgirl:
What is that?

Batman:
[whips out Batarang] Breakable, I hope.

Batman:
[Referring to the Justice Lords' Martian Manhunter] Have you read his mind yet?

Martian Manhunter:
Martians don't do that to one another.

Batman:
Can't? Or won't?

Martian Manhunter:
Both.

Lord Superman:
What do you want?

Doomsday:
The same as you, I imagine - Power. Control. But I had to see the best this planet had to offer. I'm not impressed.

[Batman is imprisoned; The Flash rapidly pushes buttons on a nearby control panel.]

Batman:
What are you doing?

The Flash:
Trying every possible combination.

Batman:
9-1-9-3-9. [Date that the first Batman comic was published in Detective Comics]

[Flash pauses, then punches it in, opening the door.]

Flash:
How'd you know?

Batman:
They're the same numbers I use. What did you do?

Flash:
I sped up my heart until it looked like it flat-lined.

Batman:
I didn't know you could do that.

Flash:
Neither did I, but I had to come up with something if you weren't going to.

Batman:
I couldn't - not with him anticipating everything I could ever think of. But who could anticipate you?

Lord Batman:
What are you hiding for?

Batman:
I do my best work in the dark.

Lord Batman:
I used to think that, too. But what have you ever accomplished from there, aside from scaring a few punks half to death? Putting a few more in jail?

Batman:
It all adds up.

Lord Batman:
Not fast enough. If you really want to make a difference, want to change the system instead of just patching it, you can't be subtle. You've got to step into the sunlight. Take over, like we did.

Lord Batman:
Think about it - a world where there's no crimes. No victims. No pain.

Batman:
And no choice! Who elected you, anyway?

Lord Batman:
Who elected you? The problem with democracy is, it doesn't keep you very safe.

Batman:
It has other virtues. But you seem to have forgotten that.

Lord Batman:
I didn't forget! I just chose peace and security instead.

Batman:
You grabbed power!

Lord Batman:
And with that power, we've made a world where no eight-year-old boy will ever lose his parents because of w:some punk with a gun!

Batman:
[pauses, then drops his Batarang] You win.

Batman:
They'd love it here, don't you think?

Lord Batman:
Who?

Batman:
Mom and Dad. They'd be so proud of you.

Lord Batman:
Just drive.

Superman:
You fooled them! Even I thought you were him.

Lord Batman:
I am him.

Batman:
They're as strong as we are and just as smart, but they're willing to kill.

Superman:
What are you saying - that we have to be willing to kill too? I won't cross that line.

Batman:
How else can we stop them?

Superman:
You're the smart one. You figure it out.

Batman:
We can't do it. Not unless we cross some kind of line.

Lord Superman:
Everything he does from now on is your fault!

Superman:
It's a high price - but it's better than the alternative.

[Lex Luthor gives an interview after his pardon]

Lex Luthor:
...but I can't take full credit. I never would have been able to reconfigure the Disruptor without Superman's high-speed assistance.

Reporter 1:
Where is it now?

Lex Luthor:
I believe Superman has it. That was part of our arrangement.

Reporter 2:
Where do you go from here? Back to running LexCorp?

Lex Luthor:
Oh, the business-world doesn't seem as challenging as it used to. And there's no poetry in it either. I have been giving some thought to...politics.

Flash:
How can we stop it?

Martian Manhunter:
There is one possibility. To halt the process we would need to create an Einstein-Rosen Bridge to drain off the affecting anti-fusion matter.

Flash:
Create a what? Do what?

Hawkgirl:
Create a wormhole to suck away the bad stuff.

Hawkgirl:
[on audio] Lantern, is he...?

Green Lantern:
He's in one piece. I think he's alright. [to an unconscious Flash] You hear me, buddy? You better be alright!

Flash:
[dreaming] Oh... Swirly lights... fuzzy grilled cheese... [wakes up] Huh? What happened?

Wonder Woman:
Flash, you did it!

Superman:
You saved everyone today.

Wonder Woman:
How are you feeling?

Flash:
Actually, kinda faint! I think I need some mouth-to-mouth.

Hawkgirl:
He's fine.

Hawkgirl:
Standard interrogation technique. I was bad cop.

Superman:
You're always bad cop.

Hawkgirl:
Why play against type?

Solomon Grundy:
Bird-nose help Grundy? But Bird-nose and her friends hate Grundy.

Hawkgirl:
Grundy help Bird-nose, Bird-nose help Grundy, okay? Excuse me, Hawkgirl smash.

Icthultu:
Speak to me, child of Thanagar.

Hawkgirl:
Nothing to say. I've got a gesture for you, but my hands are tied.

Icthultu:
How I've missed your people's spirit...

[Shayera is poised to finish off the evil Icthultu.]

Icthultu:
You will not do this thing, child of Thanagar. Icthultu still has faith in you.

Hawkgirl:
So do I.

Solomon Grundy:
Grundy thinks he is going away now...

Hawkgirl:
No! Just hang on!

Solomon Grundy:
Do you think Grundy's soul is waiting for him?

Hawkgirl:
Grundy, I don't believe... yes. Yes, it's waiting for you.

Solomon Grundy:
Then... Grundy gets his reward. [dies]

Hawkgirl:
He was happy at the end. I still don't understand why.

Aquaman:
It's faith, Hawkgirl. You're not supposed to understand it. You just have it.

[Grundy's epitaph]

Solomon Grundy. Born On A Monday.

[during "practice"]

Flash:
[after Batman blows up a robot] Hey! That was my bad guy!

Batman:
[to Green Lantern] Happy? [walking away] Call me when it's important. And not before.

Clayface:
What kind of a guy would lock somebody up and keep him as if he was property?

Killer Frost:
It was sick, honey. But you don't have to worry about him anymore. [Smiles] Nobody has to.

Clayface:
You didn't think I'd come here without reinforcements, didja?

Batman:
Wish I'd thought of that. [door blows in behind him, revealing the rest of the Justice League, Batman smiles] Oh, wait. I did.

Shade's Thug:
[being held upside down off a roof] Who do you think you are, Batman?

Flash:
It's been a long night. Just tell me where Shade is, okay?

Shade's Thug:
Look, buddy, I know Batman. I once ratted out a counterfeiter to Batman. And believe me, you are no Bat- (Flash drops him) -MAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!

Flash:
[standing over "unconscious" Sinestro] Looks like I didn't need you after all, yo. But you can help me tie him up.

Batman:
...Catch. [shoots Flash in the chest with a grapple] The real Flash would've been too fast for that. [shocks him, revealing Clayface]

Clayface:
What gave me away?

Batman:
You overplayed your part, yo.

Giganta:
[to Superman] Wouldn't hit a woman, would you?

Wonder Woman:
I would. [slams her down]

[Wonder Woman blocks a bolt of lightning from the Weather Wizard with her bracelets.]

The Flash:
There are so many reasons why that shouldn't have worked.

Kalibak:
I just flattened Wonder Woman! You really think you can beat me?

Batman:
I'm not trying to beat you. I'm trying to stall you.

Kalibak:
Stall me? For what? [Superman appears behind him] Aw- [gets punched in the face]

Superman:
For what it's worth, I don't think you could've taken Batman, either.

[Superman has been apparently killed; Wonder Woman grabs Toyman.]

Toyman:
What are you going to do to me?

Wonder Woman:
I'm going to punch a hole in your head.

The Flash:
We don't do that to our enemies.

Wonder Woman:
Speak for yourself!

The Flash:
I'm trying to speak for Superman.

The Flash:
I used to be able to goof around so much because I knew Superman had my back. Now all I've got is his example, and that's gonna have to be enough.

[Lex Luthor walks into Superman's funeral.]

Lois Lane:
Luthor! How dare you show your face here!

Luthor:
Lois, I-- [Lois slaps him]

Lois:
You've come to gloat! You've tried to get rid of him for years! Are you happy now? Isn't this what you've always wanted? I hate you! I HATE YOU! ... [breaks down into tears]

Luthor:
[takes her into his arms] Believe it or not, I'm going to miss him, too.

Martian Manhunter:
Though we gather here today, bound together in sorrow and loss, we share a precious gift. We are, all of us, privileged to live a life that has been touched by Superman. The Man of Steel possessed many extraordinary gifts, and he shared them with us freely. None of these gifts were more remarkable than his ability to discern what needed to be done, and his unfailing courage in doing it, whatever the personal cost. Let us all strive to accept his gift, and pass it along, as an ongoing tribute to Kal-El of Krypton, the immigrant from the stars, who taught us all how to be heroes.

Batman:
I've got some things to say. I should've said them when you were here, but... Despite our differences, I have nothing but respect for you. I hope you knew... know that, you showed me that justice doesn't always have to come from the darkness. I'll miss... [something in the distance explodes] What did you always call it, Clark? The never ending battle?

[Villains are terrorizing Metropolis.]

Kalibak:
This looks like a job for Superman! But I don't think he's coming.

Vandal Savage:
The Earth belongs to the cockroaches now... oh, and me.

Superman:
You're insane.

Vandal Savage:
True, but that doesn't mean I'm not good company. Say, you wanna come over to my house?

Superman:
...

Vandal Savage:
Like you've got something better to do.

Superman:
[holding a rock over Vandal Savage's head] I should smash your skull.

Vandal Savage:
Go ahead, we both know it wouldn't work.

[Superman pauses and drops the rock. They both stand up.]

Superman:
What now...?

Vandal Savage:
Lunch?

[Superman picks up a copy of "Life Strategies:
Coping With Yourself"]

Superman:
Self-help books? You don't seem the type.

Vandal Savage:
I read whatever I can find. Anyway, I've got issues, what with my destroying the Earth and all.

Vandal Savage:
Don't worry about me. Go back to your friends. Do what you do best. What you were born to do - save the world.

[Everyone is marveling at Superman's return]

Martian Manhunter:
You were greatly missed, my friend... by all of us.

[All eyes turn to Batman, who is standing apart with arms crossed, emotionless]

Wonder Woman:
Don't let him fool you. Your death hit him as hard as it did any of us.

Superman:
Really?

Batman:
No. I never believed you were dead in the first place.

Superman:
I guess that's sort of a compliment.

Lobo:
[angry about Superman kicking him out of the Justice League] Next time you lollipops need help, don't bother asking the Main Man!

Martian Manhunter:
... We didn't ask you this time!

Joker:
Ah, ah, ah! Don't touch that remote. I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite shows preempted, but look what you're getting instead: me! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage, everything that makes TV great! So stay tuned - you won't believe your eyes.

Joker:
Here's how we do this little tango: I've tucked away a great, big time bomb somewhere on the Vegas strip. Only the Justice League can defuse it, 'cause if anyone else tries, (shows audience a switch) I press this, and kablooie! No waiting! Now, I know you want to see the big bomb hunt from the best point of view, so I've set up hundreds of cameras all over town! The League won't be able to burp without us looking in! And since every good suspense show has to have a ticking clock, here's mine! (a display appears on screen, counting down from 23 minutes - the average length of an episode without commercials) Oh, what were you expecting from me? A round number?

Joker:
[watching Batman's jet land and Batman step out] I see one of our stars approaching the red carpet! And he's in black - always chic. [Javelin lands and the rest of the Justice League step out] But here come the fashion disasters. I'm surprised their mummies let them out of the house looking like that.

Joker:
While they stumble around trying to find my bomb, let's see how the local economy's doing.

[A slot machine area is deserted.]

Joker:
Oh, it looks a little slow. [An old woman is shown at one of the slots] Ma'am? Ma'am? Aren't you scared?

Old Lady:
[not looking up] Of what? This thing's gotta pay up sooner or later.

Joker:
Man, I LOVE this town!

[The Royal Flush Gang is fleeing the scene]

Joker:
Oh, you're breaking an old man's heart, kids! Stand up to them like I would! If I were there... and if I had superpowers and... Oh, for Pete's sake, go back there and beat on them!

Joker:
[after telling the origin story of his minions] The government said it was protecting them. But what it really wanted was to turn them into human weapons. And they would have gotten away with it too, if not for me meddling with the kids!

Joker:
[about Ten] Ten feels no pain - literally! And he's just as strong as Stupidman!

Joker:
[about Batman] Him again, it's always him!

Joker:
The suspense is killing me! Of course, it's going to be the explosions that kill them.

Joker:
[after Green Lantern reveals a false bomb located at the bottom of a river] Aww, I was hoping someone would drown trying to disarm that. C'est la vie.

Flash:
[After locating a bomb but not knowing how to disarm it, talking to Batman via comlink] Batman, I've got a problem!

Batman:
[Being strangled in a battle with Jack, and attempting to fight] You... don't... SAY!

Flash:
I found a bomb. You've got to talk me through disarming it.

Batman:
[throwing exploding batarangs at Jack] Okay. Remove the lid...

Flash:
Already done.

Batman:
Don't jump ahead! Do exactly as I say!

Flash:
I opened it before I called! [sound of blow landing] Batman, you okay?

Batman:
[evading Jack's punches] Grasp the red metal collar with both hands, pull it straight up. It's magnetized, don't touch the sides, or it'll blow up the whole block.

Flash:
Done.

Batman:
Disconnect the following wires in- [Jack hits him] AH! -in precisely this order: blue, yellow-and-black striped, red, then black.

Flash:
[does so] Okay, what next?

Batman:
You're done. Find another one!

Flash:
I'm on it!

Joker:
Will Green Lantern ever admit to his feelings? Will Hawkgirl ever stop sublimating her passions with that big honkin' mace? Will true love conquer all? Not on my show! [punches button that detonates the bomb early.]

Superman:
Give it up, kid. There's no way you can beat me.

Ten:
I don't have to beat you. I just have to slow you down until the bomb blows!

Superman:
Hold that thought! [Punches Ten high into the sky, and defuses the bomb. Ten falls back down] Now, where were we?

Joker:
[After Superman defeats Ten and defusses a bomb] A person could really learn to hate that guy. Let's go back to watching Green Lantern croak - that should cheer me up.

Batman:
Harley! Where's Joker?

Harley Quinn:
After all these years, you still think I'd give up Mister J?

Batman:
Why not? He gave you up.

Harley Quinn:
That was a long time ago! He's changed! We've been to couple's counseling!

Batman:
I'm talking about right now. Or haven't you been watching the show? You've seen the way he touches her hair, the way he rubs her shoulders.

Harley Quinn:
You mean Ace? She's just a kid!

Batman:
Really? Then why is she with him while you're out here in the cold?

[Harley pauses, then punches Batman in the face.]

Joker:
Have to admit, didn't see that one coming...

Joker:
Even you can't disarm one of my bombs in time!

Flash:
Shut up!

Joker:
What kind of retort is that? You're not even trying!

Superman:
That was quite a stunt you just pulled off.

Flash:
I know. Can't wait to catch the rerun.

Joker:
She can send out thought waves that can alter perception... but enough with the jargon, she can drive you crazy just by looking at you - either in person, or on TV. Even as I speak, millions of you slack-jawed couch potatoes are slowly losing your grip on reality - which in my opinion is highly overrated anyway. But you can't look away, even though you know something is terribly wrong. And the best part is, I'm immune to all of this because I'm ALREADY crazy.

Joker:
We can't let everything we have be ruined by a silly misunderstanding!

Harley Quinn:
And just what is it that I'm not understanding?!

Joker:
That we're two of a kind. That you'll always come back to me.

Harley Quinn:
Yeah, I guess I do, don't I...?

[Joker sings to the tune of "London Bridge"]

Joker:
(punches Batman) Big old Bats in falling down. (punches him again) on the ground. (again) Mind unsound. (again) Big old Bats is falling down (again) I'm so happy.

(Batman has pulled the mind-control headband out of Jokers pocket, Ace is furious)

Joker:
Just... Just a souvenir, that's all! Give me that! (Tries to take it back)

Ace:
(stands up and advances on Joker) I'm not afraid of you.

Joker:
(scared) Wait ... puh-please ...! (backs away)

Ace:
I know what it's like to frighten other people. That's why I'm not afraid of you. I'm the only one!

Joker:
Don't do this! (cowers in fear and closes his eyes, obviously terrified)

Ace:
(petting Joker's head) Do what?

Joker:
(Looks up) That's my little Acey! Everything's going to be... AAAAAARRGH!

(Ace uses her powers on Joker to plunge him into a catatonic state)

Green Lantern:
You know how we feel about each other.

Shayera:
John...

Green Lantern:
And I know you feel the same way.

Shayera:
It's not that simple. John, this can't go any further.

Green Lantern:
Why not?

Shayera:
Well... we work together.

Green Lantern:
So? Gives us something in common.

Shayera:
We can't be worrying about each other when we're fighting the bad guys.

Green Lantern:
Too late for that. What else you got?

Shayera:
Ugh... It's crazy, I mean, look at us. Just look at us.

Green Lantern:
I see a man, and a woman.

[Green Lantern removes Shayera's helmet. They slowly get closer and kiss]

The Flash:
Wow. Someone sure did a number on this place.

Ultra-Humanite:
Actually, I hadn't even started... Do you believe the horrendous amount of public funding spent on this so-called art? It's garbage! An affront to any decent human aesthetic!

The Flash:
Oh-kay, I'll just take you back to prison, where you won't have to look at the ugly old sculptures anymore.

Ultra-Humanite:
You'll be happy to know, Flash, that your words - jejeune though they were - did not fall on deaf ears. I appreciate the sentiment behind them, and therefore call a truce in honor of the season.

The Flash:
Seriously?

Ultra-Humanite:
You'll have the toy to give to your young friends. I'm improving it, too.

The Flash:
[suspicious] It's not gonna blow up or anything?

Ultra-Humanite:
[incredulous] Flash. It is Christmas.

The Flash:
Okay, but why did you hit me?

Ultra-Humanite:
You hit me first. Hand me that screwdriver, will you?

The Flash:
Hey, kids, Santa Flash is back! [the children cheer] Along with my special helper, Freaky The Snowman! [the children grow silent]

Ultra-Humanite:
Just give them the toy and take me to jail.

The Flash:
Are you sure it won't, y'know...? [makes exploding noise]

Ultra-Humanite:
Oh, for Heaven's sake!

DJ Rubba' Ducky:
[in Ultra-Humanite's voice] Hello, children. Come close and I'll tell you a story.

Child 1:
Is that DJ Rubba' Ducky?

Child 2:
He sounds weird.

DJ Rubba' Ducky:
[in Ultra-Humanite's voice] Little Clara had just received a beautiful toy nutcracker from her godfather, the mysterious Herr Drosselmeyer.

Ultra-Humanite:
Well? An improvement, wouldn't you say?

The Flash:
I kinda liked it when he made the poopy noise...

[In spite of this, the children keep hearing the toy telling the story of The Nutcracker until they start sleeping.]

The Flash:
...but this is good, too.

[Green Lantern has just found out about the relationship between Hawkgirl and Hro Talak]

Batman:
The most mysterious creatures in the universe.

Green Lantern:
Sorry?

Batman:
Women. Don't be too hard on yourself. You didn't know she was spoken for.

Green Lantern:
How did you...?

Batman:
It wasn't hard to figure out. The point is these things happen. You just have to accept it and move on.

Green Lantern:
I'll keep that in mind.

[He starts to walk off but J'onn J'onnz (Martian Manhunter) stops him]

Martian Manhunter:
Believe me, I know the pain when two people who are involved...

[The Flash speeds up to them]

Flash:
Who's involved?

[He looks at Green Lantern]

Flash:
You and Hawkgirl?! Get out.

[Green Lantern glares at Flash]

Flash:
Really?

[The League is on the run from the Thanagarians, hiding in a department store]

Martian Manhunter:
They'll have the whole city covered by now.

Flash:
Who knows? Maybe they'll get tired and go home.

[Everyone looks at him]

Flash:
...Yeah, I know. But a little optimism at a time like this couldn't hurt.

[To avoid the Thanagarians, the League must remove their costumes and disguise themselves.]

Flash:
Hold on a second here. What about the whole secret identity thing? I mean, I trust you guys, but I'm not sure I'm ready to...

Batman:
[points at Flash] Wally West, [points at Superman] Clark Kent,... [removes own mask] ...Bruce Wayne.

Flash:
[stares, wide-eyed] ...Showoff. [shrugs and removes his cowl]

Wonder Woman:
[ruffles his hair] Red hair. It suits you.

Flash:
You think? [gets hit in the head by a shirt]

Batman:
[stalks past, looking disgruntled] Change. Now.

[in order to hide from pursuing Thanagarians, Diana and Bruce take refuge in a diner and, when the Thanagarians enter, Diana pulls Bruce into a kiss. They separate after the soldiers leave]

Diana:
Sorry.

Bruce:
[with a grin] Don't be.

[Flash and Green Lantern arrive at Wayne Manor; Alfred answers the door]

Flash:
Uh, hi. We're looking for Bruce Wayne? We're friends.

Alfred:
Of course, Master Bruce is expecting you. This way, please.

Flash:
So, Jeeves, do you come with the place, or does "Master Bruce" just rent you out for parties?

Alfred:
I've been in service here since the master was in diapers.

Flash:
[turns to Green Lantern] Now, there's a picture.

Alfred:
Your guests have arrived, sir.

Batman:
You're late.

Green Lantern:
Nice to see you too.

Flash:
[seeing Batman's trophy T-rex] Hey! That's a giant dinosaur!

Alfred:
And I thought Batman was the detective.

[Examining data on Thanagarian plans]

Batman:
Ingenious.

Superman:
Yeah, I'm impressed. Let's go wreck it.

[Batman throws batarangs at oncoming Thanagarians. At first nothing happens.]

Thanagarian soldier:
Your weapons are pitiful!

Batman:
Wait for it...

[Swarm of bats attack the Thanagarians]

Batman:
Well?

Martian Manhunter:
I have no idea how to fly this vehicle.

Flash:
What's this do? [pushes random button that causes the ship to fire at Wayne Manor, narrowly missing Alfred]

Batman:
[through clenched teeth] That's-not-helping.

Alfred:
(finding a bound Thanagarian) I've asked Master Bruce to refrain from leaving trash on the lawn.

[Batman helps J'onn and the Flash load the unconscious Thanagarians into an escape pod, then closes the door and launches the pod, leaving himself behind.]

Martian Manhunter:
What are you doing?

Batman:
I can't risk having the Watchtower burn up on re-entry. I'll have to guide it in, manually. Gentlemen... it's been an honor.

[Flash slumps on the floor of the pod as it disengages and maneuvers away from the Watchtower.]

Hro Talak:
Any last words?

Green Lantern:
Yeah - you can kiss my ax!

Batman:
[over radio-link] We're cutting it a little close! Have you shut off the force-field?

Superman:
Not yet. Where are you?

Batman:
Aboard the Watchtower, guiding it to target.

Superman:
[shocked] That's insane! Get out of there!

Batman:
Negative! I'm staying until... [static over radio]

Superman:
Batman! [abandons fight]

[Batman loses consciousness just before Superman arrives. Superman rips up the seat he's buckled into, and flies him away from the Watchtower before impact.]

Superman:
[As they pick themselves up from the rubble] Always have to be the hero, don't you?

Batman:
Right back at ya.

Alfred:
(to Shayera) If I may be so bold? I'm neither a superhero, nor a soldier, so I'm hardly qualified to judge your actions by those standards. But I do know this: without the great sacrifices you've made, we wouldn't be here to share this nice pot of tea.

Green Lantern:
Where are you gonna go?

Shayera:
I don't know. Someplace where the fate of the world wasn't in my hands. Someplace where there's no more secrets, no more lies.

Green Lantern:
Was it all a lie?

Shayera:
I love you, John. I never lied about that. [flies away]

Green Lantern:
[tears falling off his face] I love you, too.